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|07-01-2017, 11:11 AM||#1|
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
A Honeymooners July 4th:
(Ralph & Ed are packing the car.)
Ed: "Boy Ralph, this was a pretty smart idea of yours. Us getting a cottage in Gloucester, Massachusetts for the July 4th holiday."
Ralph: "Of course. I got some real great fireworks for us to launch. We will be like kids."
Ed: "Ralph, where did you get them? Are they legal?"
Ralph: "Of course they are legal. I got them real cheap from a street vendor. All the street vendors in Brooklyn would NEVER sell illegal fireworks."
(The girls come down.)
Alice: "Boys, are you all ready?"
Ralph: "Are we ready? Of course, we are."
Ed: "There is one bad thing about this trip."
Ralph: "What's that?"
Ed: "Ralph, you can't enter the Nathan's hot dog eating contest. With a body like yours, you will be starving. It will be rough on the farmers."
Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT NORTON. YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT."
(They all get in the car.)
Ralph: "And away we go."
(They arrive in the house in Gloucester, Massachusetts.)
Ralph: "Finally, we are here. We would have been here hours ago if a certain someone had the EZ Pass. Isn't that right Norton?"
Ed: "You are right Ralph. It's MY fault that YOU forgot the EZ Pass."
Trixie: "You two have been bickering like little babies all the way up here."
Alice: "That is true. I hope you don't embarrass us by doing what you did the last time you were up here Ralph, which is get drunk and expose yourself outside.:
Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP NORTON!"
Alice: "Ralph, I see that you got fireworks Ralph. I hope that they are legal."
Ralph: "Alice, how many times do I have to tell you? These fireworks are legal."
Alice: "All right. By the way Ralph, my folks are coming by and my Cousin Leo is coming by."
Ralph (yells): "WHAT?"
(Alice's parents arrive.)
Alice's Mom: "Hi Sonny Boy!"
(Ralph stamps his feet all the way up the stairs like a little kid.)
(On the night of July 4th.)
Alice's Mom: "I am sure glad that you didn't stuff yourself with hot dogs Ralph. You got the perfect body for them,"
(Ralph has got a mean look on his face.)
Ralph: "Okay people, I got the fireworks ready."
Alice: "Ralph, I am looking at these fireworks. I think that these fireworks are ILLEGAL."
Ralph (yells): "ALICE, I AM TELLING YOU THAT THESE FIREWORKS ARE LEGAL."
Alice (yells): "RALPH, HOW CAN YOU BE SURE? I KNOW ABOUT FIREWORKS. I AM 99.9% SURE THAT THESE FIREWORKS ARE ILLEGAL."
Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE WRONG LIKE ALWAYS. I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU. STAND BACK."
Alice (yells): "RALPH, DON'T."
Ralph (yells): "I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME ABOUT FIREWORKS. I KNOW ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ABOUT THEM."
(Ralph fires some of the fireworks. A cop sees them. The fireworks misfire and hit the Kramdens and Nortons car which causes it to explode. The cop comes by. So does Cousin Leo.)
Cop: "Hello people."
(The cop sees the fireworks.)
Cop: "Sir these fireworks are illegal. Who bought them?"
Alice's Mother: "He did."
Ralph (to Alice's mother, yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"
Cop: "You are under arrest sir."
Alice: "Ralph, you will pay for the damages to the car."
Ralph (to Alice, yells): "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"
Cousin Leo: "Happy July 4th! Am I too late for the eats?"
Alice's Mom: "You may be too late for the eats but not too late to see my big, fat lousy son-in-law make a fool of himself again."
Ralph (to Alice's Mom, yells as he is being hauled off to jail): "YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU ARE A BLABBERMOUTH. A BLAB-BER-MOUTH."
(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: "Thank you. I just want to wish everyone a happy July 4th."
Jackie: "Let's introduce every one of the cast. First: Jean Kean."
(Audience cheers as Jean comes on stage and shakes Jack's hand.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(Audience cheers as Audrey comes on stage and kisses Jack.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(Audience cheers as Art comes on stage and shakes Jack's hand.)
Jackie: “Ethel Owen!”
(Crowd cheers as Ethel comes on stage and shakes Jack's hand.)
Jackie: “Also, Howard St. John. The guy who plays Alice’s Dad.”
(Crowd cheers as Howard comes on stage and shakes Jack's hand.)
Jackie: "As usual, the Miami Beach July 4th's are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"
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