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Old 02-10-2017, 06:55 PM   #1
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Default For Those of You Without Children. . .

...does this ever make it difficult to find topics to talk about with friends who DO have kids?

Most people on the planet at one time or another have kids, of course. I haven't, and won't be at any point. Almost all of my friends from high school, college, work, etc. have kids and that's great. I am good with kids and completely respect people wanting to have children. I just never really did, so it does at times tend to make conversation a bit hard when my friends pretty much talk nearly exclusively about their kids, and I have nothing to reply with but "Oh, that's great!" or some such.

Again, there's no villain here. I just wondered if anyone else has this issue. You also can run into trouble by saying you don't want kids, because then people look at you like you're a mutant, or worse, think that you are saying there is something WRONG with having kids. There isn't; they just aren't for me, for several reasons.

Anybody have this issue?
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Old 02-10-2017, 07:44 PM   #2
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I do not have any kids. People ask me why, especially other women. I never really wanted kids. I do love them, but I have never felt that mother instinct I guess. I do feel that I don't have any thing in common with the women either. But I'm okay with that. Kids do seem to like me, I guess because I don't mind playing with them.
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Old 02-10-2017, 07:50 PM   #3
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Not really but I surround myself with childless/childfree people. I like kids but was always ambivalent about being a mother. I think part of it was I saw my mother (RIP) give up so much, including a good career because it was expected and she was bitter. I knew I could only have kids if my husband was really wanting to be a dad and did his share (which would be at least half if not more)but these men are hard to find. instead all I could find were men who expected me to cater to them and would expect my career to come second. I am an introvert and need time alone. I find though there are two types of moms I can handle: women with careers along with kids and women with grown kids. I generally don't get along with stay at home moms because so many have been mean and judgmental toward me (which resulted in me not getting along with them). The reason I've had problems with them is they think because I don't have kids there's something wrong with me. Speaking though, yeah many people are judgmental towards me and it angers me. The biggest issue that makes people mad about me are because I don't have kids. I didn't have kids, why should I play stepmother? I've dated single dads and we have a different lifestyle and it doesn't work. I'm not nasty but they get nasty towards me.
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Old 02-10-2017, 11:01 PM   #4
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I don't have kids. My brother and his wife have 5 kids. My sister says she wants 5. She doesn't have any yet. She's only 24. At 38, I don't feel that need to have kids. I've never been in a relationship because of childhood trauma. I wouldn't want to go through the process needed to have kids. Plus, my sister was born on my 14th birthday. I had to help take care of her. If that wasn't birth control, I don't know what is. She was not a typical child. She had problems and still does.

I don't have many friends. People used to ask me if I wanted kids or when would I meet a guy and get married. It's hard when you're put on the spot. People can be judgmental. I had a friend years ago who would say that if a woman is inn't in a relationship by age 35, she must not be straight. What a lie. People go through things. There are different reasons people are single. I like guys, but I'm not able to handle a 'physical' relationship. That would be a deal breaker for a guy, if there was ever a guy who found me attractive.
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Old 02-10-2017, 11:22 PM   #5
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My girlfriend, who also does not want children (luckily for me) has actually had people say to her "well, what are you going to do when you get old?", as if your child should be "old age insurance" to be sure someone is around to take care of you. What a horrible reason to have kids! If you want kids and can bring love and security and stability to a child, that's wonderful, but to have them so you won't be alone when you are older strikes me as selfish. You should have kids for what YOU can bring to THEM, not what THEY will be obligated to do for you when you are older. You're making a person, not an indentured servant.

I just never saw myself in a position to have a child; financially, I could never have done it, and I just never had that desire that is so natural to most people. I never saw myself as the authority figure; I was always a kid myself!

Add to that that I never really had a relationship until after I was forty.

By then, I was at the age where it didn't matter if I wanted kids or not (I still didn't), I was just too old. It's really rough raising a kid after you are older; you are very set in your ways and it's hard to make that huge life change.

Btw, Jenny, I love your avatar...very nice and very appropriate.
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Old 02-10-2017, 11:37 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Family Ties Forever!
I like guys, but I'm not able to handle a 'physical' relationship. That would be a deal breaker for a guy, if there was ever a guy who found me attractive.

I'm kinda in the same boat, I like women but I'm unable to have a physical relationship with one.
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Old 02-11-2017, 12:30 AM   #7
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Do you mean physically? I ask because I have a problem where certain physical acts are almost impossible. It was rough when dating because guys wanted it and it was so painful.
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Old 02-11-2017, 10:27 AM   #8
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I am not married or have children. If I could go back in time and change a few things, I would have liked a loving husband and children. I do think it can make your life a bit fuller. But then again, in this day and age, you hear and see so much sorrow.
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Old 02-11-2017, 11:25 AM   #9
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Oh No

I don't even have a love life. I wish my brother could help me now with finding someone, but the way things are going...I'm gonna have a family when the Cleveland Browns are in the Super Bowl!

There's no woman for me!
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Old 02-11-2017, 03:17 PM   #10
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we can't have kids but almost all of our friends and family do - its not really awkward for me because I'm involved in most of their kids' lives so I'm usually aware of what's going on with whatever they are talking about. I don't mind not having kids, I just try to be a good uncle and spend as much time as I can with my nieces and nephews.
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Old 02-11-2017, 05:00 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by robyrob
I don't mind not having kids, I just try to be a good uncle and spend as much time as I can with my nieces and nephews.

I have nieces and nephews as well and love all of them dearly. However, it's not the same because at the end of the day I'm only an uncle and I can't accept that. We've considered other alternatives such as adoption or foster children, but my girlfriend's mother whom we live with will want to start bossing and telling us how to do this & that. Her help would be welcome if needed, but she'll want us to do things her way and that's not happening.
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Old 02-24-2017, 07:45 PM   #12
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I dont have kids.
Since I was a kid I knew it was not my destination or anything I would want to do.
I have no regrets.
I have not run into any severe hostility from others about it because I don't live a very social life and I don't interact much with others including relatives.

Of course it is obvious that the majority of the world is into the culture of eventually becoming parents. Like another one of you said here, I have heard it said in one way or other that kids are an emotional investment as well as being "indentured servants."
People tend to say things such as " if you think you dont want kids when you are young you will regret it when you are old," and once I read a small article in which a young female said that she wants to have kids early in her life because she wants her kids to know their grandmother, meaning that it is a race against time so that her grandmother does not die before her granddaughter has kids. This is a tough situation. It can be said to be good that the granddaughter has a good relationship with her grandma and loves her, but then to have kids at a young age so as to please a grandparent and have kids who knew their grandparent(s) sounds like something that can go wrong and then what?
What if grandma gets Alzheimer's by the time her granddaughter's kids are old enough to "know" their grandma but then grandma is not some wonderful soul who has interesting stories to tell but is demented and hostile and does not recognize her family? The kids will grow up feeling that it is better that if grandma passes away.
What if the granddaughter dies giving birth or unexpectedly develops a terminal illness after having kids and grandma is alone taking care of kids when she already thought she was done doing such a thing?

Years ago when the fertility treatments of today were new and so was "Surrogate motherhood" (I think the early to mid 1980s) , there was a case in which a woman made a deal with an infertile couple to be a surrogate mother and got the medical procedures done , but the surrogate mom had sex with her husband and then after she gave birth, the child was born developmentally handicapped, and the couple who paid the surrogate mother knew that it was not their child because they knew that the child would be born healthy. The surrogate mother argued that the child belonged to the couple who paid her, and it took a court case and court ordered DNA tests to prove who the child really biologically belonged to, and it turned out that the surrogate mother bore a child that was the result of her having sex with her husband, not because of having an fertilized egg placed in her.
This was an ultimate disastrous case in which a planned child turned out to be unwanted by everyone involved.
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Old 02-24-2017, 09:48 PM   #13
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I've never had a love life or a date or a girlfriend. Like this topic about having kids, I guess I get along with women but I wouldn't want kids. Between helping taking care of my grandparents and taking care of my mom, at 34 years old, I couldn't take taking care of a child. My whole life has been that.

But I don't interact that much people except for Facebook. I know people have lives and kids and other things. I just feel like I'd be in the way.
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Old 02-24-2017, 10:05 PM   #14
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At 52 I'm quite a bit older than those in this thread. I made the mistake way back in my 20s that I would make my money first, then pursue relationships and family. (Also, I once had a dream that I got divorced right after a marriage, and that scared me.) Female co-workers were dropping a lot of hints, but I'd decided stupidly that I wasn't ready.

By the time I got into my 30s, family illnesses came on strong, and before I knew it I was past 40 and no longer quite as desirable from an appearance standpoint. Trust me, the time-going-by accelerates as you become older. No marriage for me and no children, so I do get asked at times why not. I think my decisions as a much younger man did me in. But I don't have the opportunity to socialize much, so conversation is not happening anyway.
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Old 02-25-2017, 04:49 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoneboy
I have nieces and nephews as well and love all of them dearly. However, it's not the same because at the end of the day I'm only an uncle and I can't accept that. We've considered other alternatives such as adoption or foster children, but my girlfriend's mother whom we live with will want to start bossing and telling us how to do this & that. Her help would be welcome if needed, but she'll want us to do things her way and that's not happening.


"Only an uncle" ?
The right kind of uncle is better than the wrong kind of father ( or mother).
A great many people are raised by relatives because in this day and age, mothers and fathers raising their own kids is not as common as it used to be decades ago at least not in the same context. There are people who feel closer to their uncles or aunts who brought them up than to either parent because their parents were not there for them. A lot of fathers and/or mothers are in jail, or they had kids too young and could not raise them and also go to school, so they gave the kids to grandparents, or to older brothers or sisters.
If you feel like less of a loving and responsible family member to a child because that child is not directly yours then that somehow could also mean that you don't feel that the child could be as important to you as your own son or daughter.

I recently was temporarily working in a small medical office and I overheard a conversation between the receptionist and some person who came in the office and he apparently knew the receptionist and he was talking about his new marriage and his step children. He said that he does not actually like the word "step children" though, because it seems to mean that the children are considered a step down from being your own real children and to be considered less than your real children.

I liked hearing that.

Usually I hear more negative conversations about step children. I was once in a waiting room and overheard some people talking about dating or marrying someone who already has children. They were talking about it from a man's point of view and said that the first words that comes out of the kid's mouth is "You are not my father." And they were talking about how horrible step kids can be to a step father.

Heck. My father was the one who said to his stepson "You are not my son."
My dad always told me in some way or other that my mother's son from a different relationship was not part of the family.
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