Sitcoms Online - Main Page / Message Boards - Main Page / Photo Galleries / DVD Reviews / News Blog / Buy TV Shows on DVD

View Today's Active Threads / View New Posts / Mark All Boards Read / Chit Chat Board

The Honeymooners (Sitcoms Online) / The Honeymooners links and theme songs at Sitcoms Online / The Honeymooners Photo Gallery


The Honeymooners - Classic 39 Episodes (Blu-ray)
Buy The Honeymooners - Classic 39 Episodes on Blu-ray
The Honeymooners - Classic 39 Episodes
Buy The Honeymooners - Classic 39 Episodes on DVD
The Honeymooners: Lost Episodes 1951-1957 (The Complete Restored Series)
Buy The Honeymooners: Lost Episodes 1951-1957 (The Complete Restored Series) on DVD
The Color Honeymooners - Collection 1
Buy The Color Honeymooners - Collection 1 on DVD
The Color Honeymooners - Collection 2
Buy The Color Honeymooners - Collection 2 on DVD
The Color Honeymooners - Collection 3
Buy The Color Honeymooners - Collection 3 on DVD
The Color Honeymooners - Collection 4
Buy The Color Honeymooners - Collection 4 on DVD

Buy The Very Best of The Honeymooners / The Best of The Honeymooners - The Lost Episodes / The Honeymooners Christmas Special
The Honeymooners Valentine Special / The Honeymooners - Second Honeymoon / Fan Favorites: The Best of The Honeymooners

Sitcoms Online Message Boards - Forums  

Go Back   Sitcoms Online Message Boards - Forums > 1950s Sitcoms > The Honeymooners
User Name
Password


Welcome to the Sitcoms Online Message Boards - Forums.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, search, view attachments, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, upload content and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

SitcomsOnline.com News Blog Headlines Twitter Facebook Instagram RSS

New Comedy for Sundance Now Service from Peep Show Stars; Showtime's SMILF Gets Set for Premiere
Sitcom Stars on Talk Shows; This Week in Sitcoms (Week of October 16, 2017)
SitcomsOnline Digest: Television Academy Hall of Fame Inductees Announced; Roswell Ready for Reboot
Fri-Yay: The Middle on The Top; Hulu Snags Futurama
Hallmark's Holly Robinson Peete Series Coming in February; Remembering Sitcom Writer Bob Schiller
Disney Picks Up 2nd Season of Raven Sitcom; Family Matters Cast Reunites
ION Television Gets Festive for Holidays; USA Schedules Psych: The Movie


New on DVD/Blu-ray (October)

2 Broke Girls - The Complete Series The Good Place - The Complete First Season Green Acres - The Complete Series Rhoda - The Final (Fifth) Season The Jamie Foxx Show - The Complete Fourth Season

10/03 - 2 Broke Girls - The Complete Sixth Season
10/03 - 2 Broke Girls - The Complete Series
10/03 - Rules of Engagement - Seasons 1-4 Collection
10/10 - The Brady Bunch - A Very Brady Christmas
10/10 - Everybody Hates Chris - The Complete Series
10/10 - Frasier - Christmas Episodes
10/10 - The Honeymooners - Christmas Laughter
10/10 - Sabrina, the Teenage Witch - The Christmas Episodes
10/17 - The Good Place - The Complete First Season
10/17 - Green Acres - The Complete Series
10/17 - Rhoda - The Final (Fifth) Season
10/24 - The Jamie Foxx Show - The Complete Fourth Season
More TV DVD Releases / DVD Reviews Archive / SitcomsOnline Digest


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-29-2014, 02:06 PM   #121
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a bus company?"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN. YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2014, 12:34 PM   #122
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wive's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is deprived of water for several days. He comes in looking sick.)

Ralph: "Is there anything I can get you?"

Ed (sounding completly healthy): "Yes. Water! Water! I want water!"

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ralph & Ed are at the bank.)

Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desperate need of a transfusion."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think that the wallpaper is pretty. She thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at the wallpaper.)

E: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

Ed: "La Cucaracha Shop. Is that the name of the boss?"

Swifty Jenkins: "No, it means The Cockroach Shop."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

(Ralph puts on a Mexican Sombrero.)

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Ed: "I put SWAK on the back of the letter."

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed with a Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2014, 07:58 AM   #123
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default New Year's Eve Quotes:

First three from "New Year's Eve":

#1

(Ed doesn't want to go out for New Year's Eve and Trixie wants to. They had an aarguement.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, have you got some mercurochrome?"

Ralph: "Why? What happened?"

(Ed takes off his hat to reveal a band-aid.)

Ed: "Trixie won, we are going out New Year's Eve."

#2:

(Alice wants to go out on New Year's Eve, but Ralph doesn't want to take her.)

Ralph: "Are you calling me cheap?"

Alice: "All right. You are cheap Ralph. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap."

#3:

Ed: "Trixie, that sweater you gave me came in handy for me down in the sewer."

Trixie: "Was it cold down there today?"

Ed: "What?"

Trixie: "Was it cold down there today?"

Ed: "No, there was a leak in one of the pipes. I used the sweater to plug up the leak."

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: You know what her short visits are? Like the time she came for Christmas and New Year's. the only trouble is that she came for New year's and stayed until Christmas. I also don't like when she says: 'Poor Alice doesn't have a washing machine. 'Poor Alice doesn't have an electric stove.' You go and tell her that she can't come."

Alice: "I can't. Poor Alice doesn't have a phone either."

"The Man From Space":

(Ralph is in his "Man From Space" costume.)

Ralph: "Can you see the faces on them, down there when I walk in with this? Well, what do you think?"

(Alice stands.)

Alice: "You want to know what I think? I think that you're nuts."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "I know how to win the costume contest."

Ed: "So do I."

Ralph: "How?"

Ed: "By having the best costume."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "All I know is that when I got married, I had a more modern stove than that."

Ralph: "When you got married, fire wasn't even invented."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Because of Ed, I had to go to work without my bath."

Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take you bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."

"We Spy":

(At the party, Ed and subsequently Ralph just revealed the "new" Russian Holiday of Thanksgiving. The Russian party thrower wants everyone to roast the goat in honor of Thanksgiving because that is what Ralph said is one of the traditions of Thanksgiving.)

Russian: "Holiday weekend."

Ralph (angerly to Ed) : "Holiday weekend."

Ed: "It's a good thing it is'nt New Year's Eve. Can you imagine all the finks on the road from Minsk to Finsk."

Happy New Year!
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-01-2015, 07:56 AM   #124
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default New Year's Day Quotes:

"New Year's Eve Party":

(Ralph & Ed are in the Statler Hotel.)

Ralph: "What would this place be without all of this great stuff?"

Ed: "Your apartment."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Where's my mandolin?"

Alice: "Did you forget what happened on New Year's Eve?"

Ralph: "Well, where's the pieces? Maybe I can fix it."

"New Year's Eve Party":

Ralph: "I have pain."

Mr. Marshall: "Is it a steady or shooting pain?"

Ralph: "What's the difference?"

Mr. Marshall: "Shooting pain is more painful."

Ralph: "It's a shooting pain."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed just said that he saw Mike Douglas down in the sewer to present an award.)

Alice: "Does Mike Douglas look as good as he does on TV?"

Ed: "I couldn't tell. He had a mask on."

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color version):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"The Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "How would you like to be the wife of a rich, brilliant highly respected business man?"

Ed: "I think Alice wants to stay with you Ralph."

All from "Man From Space":

#1:

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I am not up on the latest developments? Who is it that let out your pants the other day?"

#2:

Alice: "Why don't you make your own costume?"

Ralph: "Because I want to win the costume contest. That's why."

#3:

(Alice is in her 12-year old costume.)

Alice: "What do you think Ralph?"

Ralph: "Where's the rest of the costume?"

Happy New Year!
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2015, 09:30 AM   #125
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on the people who were dropping bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just went 1...2...3 and I threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Look me all over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build, I would say you have very well-developed muscles. Got good bone structure. Very good bone structure. Fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For my height, I am four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Get in that kitchen and start cleaning up."

Alice: "Only if I use you for a mop."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This (Ed) is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set on the movie ticket that Ralph got.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2015, 08:04 AM   #126
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default

"Two-Family Car":

Ralph: "All right. You will have the car Monday-Friday. I will have the car on the weekends."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I work those days. You take the car five days and let me take the car two days."

Ralph: "Okay, your days are Wednesday and Thursday."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ralph has been playing the cornete badly.)

Ralph: "Norton, would you mind taking these clothes upstairs to put on the clothesline?"

Ed: "Are you going to play the cornette?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Ed (taking the clothes): "I will be very happy too."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to get out.)

Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. Testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."

Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"Six Months To Live" (Color):

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, I must be nuts to go out every night when I have a darling wife at home."

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if he eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

“Without Reservations”:

Ralph: "Your brother Stanley isn't coming. Stanley is a moocher, a chisler, and a bum!"

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that he is a bum. Capital B-capital-u-capital-um. Bum."
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-04-2015, 08:11 AM   #127
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "We have something more valuable than all of that put together."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "Our love. Now shut up."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "i couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Operation: Protset":

(Clifford makes the peace sign to Ralph.)

Cliff: "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one of the fingers): "Alice, grab the other one and make a wish."
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-05-2015, 07:55 AM   #128
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default

"This Is Your Life Part One":

(Ralph is trying to catch people in the poolroom in hoping of finding who's seeing Alice. He already interviewed one person.)

Ralph: "Hey you."

Fat Man: "You talking to me?"

Ralph: "Never mind."

Ed: "Well, that's three down."

Ralph: "Three down?"

Ed: "He counts for two, doesn't he?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish from his basket.)

Alice: "This is what you had the big tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

"Nephew of The Bride":

Alice: "Ralph, it's 2am in the morining and Aunt Ethel isn't home yet."

Ralph: "She better get home early if she has to wake me up at 6am."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed (reading another one of the bottles): "'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil.'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "When did you get those glasses?"

Ed: "About four months ago. The doctor told me that I have to wear them when I read."

Ralph: "Do they help?"

Ed: "I don't know. This is the first time I have tried them out."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "There's an honor with being Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler that is a benefit for both of us. If I'm elected Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, we have the priviledge of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetery? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed of going out west."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Ralph trains for his fight with Harvey with Ed.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover up your face! Cover up your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells in pain): "ARGGGGGGGGGGH!...ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH!...WAAAAAAAAAAAA...OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWW!" (to Ed): "Why did you hit me in the stomach for when you told me to cover up my face?"

Ed: "That should be a lesson. You should never trust anybody in the boxing ring."
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-06-2015, 09:30 AM   #129
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there ain't no other side."

"The Babysitter":

(Ralph & Ed are at a barber shop. Ed uses some of the barber's tools.)

Ralph: "Don't you realize that this is man's place of business? How would you like it if some person went to where you work and helped himself to whatever he could find?"

Ed: "Help himself to what?"

"Finders Keepers":

(Ed just beat Ralph at pinball. Because of that, Ed won the box of Italina Creams.)

Ed: "Ralph, we have been friends too long to let a box of Italian Creams to come between us. So, what I am going to do is take this home, Trixie will have the bottom half, Alice will have the top layer, and the box, which is suitable for framming, is yours."

Ralph: "Why don't you shut up?"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

(Ralph is making Ed write a letter saying how Flakey Wakey has made him thin.)

Ralph: "'Before I started eating Flakey Wakey, I weighed 250 pounds. I now weigh...'"

Ed: "'260 pounds.'"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in New York City that is strong enough to do that."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Talk is cheap."

Alice: "It must be or you would have never opened your mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "At last, I have a bathtub that I can be comfy in."

Alice: "What did you order, a round one?"

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "The Nortons had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-07-2015, 07:44 AM   #130
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "Cream-chipped beef again?"

Alice: "Yeah, but I fixed it a new way, Ralph. I got the recipe out of a movie magazine. Its Ricardo Cortez's favorite."

Ralph: "Well, I hope when Ricardo gets here tonight he enjoys it!"

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Now why do you think I would put my weight down on my income
tax report?"

Ed: "How should I know? You are the one that is being investigated."

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Why don't you take advantage of the time you have now and go to sleep."

Ralph: "You're right. Sorry I yelled at you. Good night."

(Ralph goes to the bedroom. The alarm clock rings. It's 5am. Time to go to work for Ralph. Ralph brings the alarm clock out and has a weird look on his face while Audrey tries her best not to laugh.)

Ralph (yells): "IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK. IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK."

"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "He (Mr. Kramden) was a a great end in football."

Ed: "Great? Probably the biggest end in the business."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Are you sure that that suitcase can hold $40,000,000? Why don't you cut pieces of paper into the sizes of dollar bills and find out."

(Ed opens the suitcase to reveal that he did just that.)

Ed: "Small details."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ed puts his cigarette in Alice's sink that is full of balloons.)

Ralph: "What kind of mind must a man have to put a lit cigarette in a sink loaded with balloons?"

Ed: "What kind of mind must you have to have a sink full of balloons?"

"In Twenty-Five Words or Less":

Alice: "You finally won one of those contests. The prize is in the bedroom."

Ralph (going into the bedroom): "Oh boy! Oh boy!"

(Ralph sees the big dog called Happy.)

Ralph (coming out of the bedroom, yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know that I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you get out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Good thing that I have a brain to figure these things out for us."

Ed: "You sure do Ralph. You can think of smart things to get yourself out of the dumb things that you get yourself into."
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2015, 07:58 AM   #131
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He's in the library."

Ed: "The library? He ought to get here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Opportuinty Knocks, But":

(Ralph is upset that Ed is now his supervisor.)

Alice: "It's a blow to your pride."

Ralph: "It's not my pride Alice. It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Face it Alice. The day Ed becomes my boss, I will quit."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I have got my pride."

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I do. You can't bowl without one."

"People's Choice" (Color):

(Ed brakes a paper bag behind Ralph's back. Ralph thought that he was shot.)

Alice: "What was that noise?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph lost the $200 that the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $8."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's engagement ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $8?"

"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "'One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face.'"

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to call the act 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-09-2015, 03:47 PM   #132
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there AIN'T no other side."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back. He looks terrible.)

Ralph: "Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For your information, I am four pound underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-10-2015, 07:50 AM   #133
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default

"The Golfer":

(Ralph picks up the cotton ball.)

Ralph (yells): "OW! IT HAS PINS IN IT."

Ed: "What did you expect. chicken noddles?"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "it's a good thing that you weren't married to Alex Graham Bell or he would have never invented the phone."

Alice: "It makes no difference to me. We don't have one."

Ralph: "With your voice, we don't need one."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will sell hamburgers, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ed: "Are you sick?"

Ralph: "Yeah, I'm sick."

(Ralph winks to say to Ed that he isn't. Ed doesn't buy it.)

Ed: "You ain't kidding. You even got a twitch in your eye."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ed: "Here's a good theme for the dance. How about the Vikings Discovering America?"

Ralph: "You want to do that theme in the Sons of Italy Hall?"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam! And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Did you just see how Dynamite walloped that machine?"

Ed: "Good thing it wasn't a Pepsi-Cola machine or we would all drown."
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2015, 08:04 AM   #134
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default

"A Promotion Part 1":

(Ralph has just told Alice not to tell the Nortons about his promotion, but unbeknownst to Ralph, she did.)

Ralph: "I have been promoted. I am now an executive."

Ed: "What a surprise."

(Ed tries to act like he's surprised.)

Ralph (to Alice): "So you told him, huh?"

"Two-Family Car":

(Alice cleans the fire escape and the mop fell off the rod. It landed on Ralph.)

Alice: "I see that you found my mop."

Ralph: "What this? This one of those new Italian haircuts."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

(Ralph is ready to paint the Norton's apartment.)

Ed: "I want the walls to be brown. Not as dark as a hazel-nut brown. Not as brown as morbid milk brown. There's a certain way that the sun at Coney Island has a way of striking the a hot dog's mustard which reflects off the hot dog through the sauerkraut. That's the kind of brown that I want."

Ralph: "What about the moldings and window frames?"

Ed: "I sort of visualize them as a misty gray. Did you see that technicolor movie with Ricardo Cortez? I want the grey from his eyes. Not the iris part of his eyes, but the cornea."

Ralph: "That kind of grey huh? What about the door?"

Ed: "The door I haven't really thought to much about."

Ralph: "I think it should be something neutral so it doesn't clash with anything."

Ed: "Good thinking. It should be a delicate badge. Not a harsh badge, just a neutral delicate badge."

Ralph: "Let me see if I got all this right. You want the walls to be a brown like the sun striking through the mustard and saurkraut on a hot dog. You want the moldings and window frames to be the gray of Robert Cortez's eyes. Not the iris, but the cornea and you want the door to be a nice delicate badge."

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph: "I'm painting the whole joint green."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Pardon me sir. On the Jackie Gleason Show, who's funnier, Jackie Gleason or Art Carney?"

Man: "I can't say. I watch Flipper."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough in here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ralph: "Why did he say: 'Hey, get a load of fatso there.'?"

Ed: "I don't know. Maybe the phrase just fits."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): "AT 89 CENTS A POUND."
(normally): "Would you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah about 300 lbs. of it."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 08:06 AM   #135
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,840
Default

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type who would bend over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I'm going to learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

(Ralph is about to give the Raccoon Treasury report.)

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For my height, I am five pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been reading a chart for a hippo."

"Ralph's Diet":

Ralph: "I don't need the diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny Alice that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to name it 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"The Main Event":

(Dynamite Moran is punching in the air.)

Ed: "Boy, look at him Ralph. He (Dynamite) is like a panther. He reminds me of the greatest street fighter I ever saw."

Ralph: "Who is that?"

Ed: "Trixie's mother."

"The Main Event":

(Ralph mentions to Alice his plan about becoming Dynamite Moran's manager. Dynamite is a boxer.)

Ralph: "This is a fullproof plan."

Alice: "Yeah and you are just the fool that can prove it."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

(Ralph & Ed are at the poolroom.)

Ralph: "I have just sunk in eighteen balls to tie the house record. I am now going to break the house record and I don't want to hear a sound from you."

Ed (accidently causing Ralph to miss his shot): "You won't even know that I am here."
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:59 PM.


Although the administrators and moderators of the Sitcoms Online Message Boards will attempt to keep all objectionable messages off this forum, it is impossible for us to review all messages. All messages express the views of the author, and neither the owners of the Sitcoms Online Message Boards, nor Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd. (developers of vBulletin) will be held responsible for the content of any message. The owners of the Sitcoms Online Message Boards reserve the right to remove, edit, move or close any thread for any reason.

Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.5.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.