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Old 12-14-2014, 08:04 AM   #106
Frank Gannucci
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"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Alice: "We have to get rid of Happy. He's too big for this apartment."

Ralph: "He's too big for a zoo."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed: "What are you yelling at me for? You got rid of the hic-koffs, didn't you?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "You got no sense of humor."

Alice: "Oh yes I do. I married you, didn't I?"

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailer."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in the lemon of a cottage.)

Ed: "This cottage isn't so bad."

Trixie: "Maybe not for a guy who spends most of his life in the sewer."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Look at the stomach."

Ralph: "That is not my stomach."

Alice: "What is it?"

Ralph: "It happens to be a very low chest."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph just found out that it was Ed who wrote the note.)

Mrs. Patterson: "Notice the open o's."

Ralph: "Open O's? I will open his head."

"The Deciding Vote":

Alice: "Ralph, what are you going to do?"

Ralph: "I will give that bum (Ed) a reference." (reading): "'How long have you known the applicant?' Too long." (reading): "'Is the applicant trustworthy?' Don't make me laugh." (reading): "'In your opinion, is the applicant a good character?' The applicant is a bum!"
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Old 12-15-2014, 07:58 AM   #107
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"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Two men come into Ralph's apartment to offer him a job as insurance executive.)

Man: "Our operators have sent us a stack of reports about you that are a mile high."

Ralph: "Did you hear the story yesterday about me helping out an old lady with her bags."

Man: "Did I? She was one of our operators."

"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph is protesting a rent increase and wants Alice to back him.)

Ralph: "Why can't you get behind me?"

Alice: "It's not that I don't want to Ralph, it's just that, there's not much room back there."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish that he claimed that he had a big tug-of-war with.)

Alice: "This is the fish you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidently causes Ralph to miss his shot in pool. Ralph is angry. He hits Ed's foot with his pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with his pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OW!"

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Ed said for all the sewer workers to come formal to the party."

Alice: "Formal?"

Trixie: "White ties and black boots."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Hot Tips" (Color):

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are waering at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. Not the people."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "I'm trying to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that could do it."
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Old 12-16-2014, 07:55 AM   #108
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"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph "I have been driving a bus for the Gotham Bus Company."

Bud: "Well, they do say that travel broadens one."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "I have problems."

Ed: "You are telling me. You kept me awake all last night."

Ralph: "You hear about it?"

Ed: "Did I hear about it? The top floor is betting 8-5 that you go to the wedding."

"Stand-In For Murder Part One":

Ralph: "I was just upset that Alice thinks that there is no one stupid to offer me a job like that."

Ed: "This guy sound stupid enough."

"Two For The Money":

(Ed & Ralph dance to music that is coming from Dehnny's Bar's jukebox at 3am. The owner unplugs it.)

Restaurant Owner: "Do you want me to lose my license?"

Ed: "Don't worry. We will drive you home."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

George: "My pal Harvey is bigger than me."

Ralph: "I got a friend Shirley who is bigger than you."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He is in the library."

Ed: "The library?"

(Ed looks at his watch.)

Ed: "He should be here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Without Reservations":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"

"Without Reservations":

(All of them are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that. I think that they are holding up the wall."

Last edited by Frank Gannucci : 11-25-2016 at 08:11 AM.
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Old 12-17-2014, 08:02 AM   #109
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"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): "AT 89 CENTS A POUND?" (normally): "Will you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 lbs. of it."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind. Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store Dream'
we will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Alice (yells): "RALPH?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Alice (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"

Alice (yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "OKAY."

Alice (yells): "WAHT'S OKAY?"

Ralph (from bedroom, yells): "BACON, EGGS AND SAUSAGE."

"Flushing Ho":

Alice: "You use the bathroom first one morning. The next morning, Ed will use the bathroom first."

Ralph: "There's the solution to all my problems. Now, I will only be late every OTHER day."
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Old 12-18-2014, 07:53 AM   #110
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"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This (Ed) is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Can I use this hankerchef?"

Ralph: "It is one of my new ones. Just remember, it's for showin', not blowin'."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat as much in order to stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, how can I lose a few inches in a few hours?"

Ed: "Maybe all that food made you shorter."

"Hero Part 1":

Herman Gruber: "I remember our class picture Ralph. You were in the first row."

Ed: "In the first row? He must have BEEN the first row."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set on the movie ticket that Ralph got.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"
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Old 12-19-2014, 09:47 PM   #111
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"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the
car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(The men are playing poker.)

Ralph: "Why did you raise everybody and then say: 'I'm out.'"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."
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Old 12-20-2014, 07:53 AM   #112
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"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Mr. Marshall, can I have a raise?"

Mr. Marshall: "No."

Ralph: "But, it's 11:30p."

Mr. Marshall: "I don't care if it's 2:07."

Ralph: "Neither do I. But, it's 11:30p."

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "As long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "You remember the joke that your mom said at our wedding?"

Alice: "What joke?"

Ralph: "You remember the joke. She said: 'I'm not losing a daughter. I'm gaining a ton.'"

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):

Ed: "I went to a fortune teller and she said that I would marry a brunette. The next day, I met Trixie."

Alice: "She is no brunette."

Ed: "She was then."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "Have you told Trixie about the change in vacation plans. I know that she wanted to go to Atlantic City."

Ed: "Trixie will go where I want to go."

Ralph: "Atta boy pal! Put your foot down."

Alice: "What are you going to do if she puts up a squawk?"

Ed: "Very simple. I will tell her that Atlantic City is closed for the summer."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job. Trained in the same fashion as each other. There's always one man in the group that stands out far from the others."

Ed: "Yeah, I guess you're right there Ralph. If you stood out any more in front, you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Now what we have to do is wait for Mr. Gleason to show up."

Ed: "That could be kind of tough. With the way that he's built, it's hard to tell if he's coming or going."
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Old 12-21-2014, 01:43 PM   #113
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"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "We have something more valuable than all of that put together."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "Our love. Now shut up."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "i couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Operation: Protset":

(Clifford makes the peace sign to Ralph.)

Cliff: "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one of the fingers): "Alice, grab the other one and make a wish."
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Old 12-22-2014, 10:31 PM   #114
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"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."
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Old 12-23-2014, 09:44 AM   #115
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"This Is Your Life Part One":

(Ralph is trying to catch people in the poolroom in hoping of finding who's seeing Alice. He already interviewed one person.)

Ralph: "Hey you."

Fat Man: "You talking to me?"

Ralph: "Never mind."

Ed: "Well, that's three down."

Ralph: "Three down?"

Ed: "He counts for two, doesn't he?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish from his basket.)

Alice: "This is what you had the big tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

"Nephew of The Bride":

Alice: "Ralph, it's 2am in the morining and Aunt Ethel isn't home yet."

Ralph: "She better get home early if she has to wake me up at 6am."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed (reading another one of the bottles): "'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil.'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "When did you get those glasses?"

Ed: "About four months ago. The doctor told me that I have to wear them when I read."

Ralph: "Do they help?"

Ed: "I don't know. This is the first time I have tried them out."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "There's an honor with being Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler that is a benefit for both of us. If I'm elected Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, we have the priviledge of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetery? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed of going out west."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Ralph trains for his fight with Harvey with Ed.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover up your face! Cover up your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells in pain): "ARGGGGGGGGGGH!...ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH!...WAAAAAAAAAAAA...OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWW!" (to Ed): "Why did you hit me in the stomach for when you told me to cover up my face?"

Ed: "That should be a lesson. You should never trust anybody in the boxing ring."
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Old 12-24-2014, 06:37 AM   #116
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Default XMas Eve Quotes:

"Honeymooners Christmas Party" ('53 version):

Ed: "Tomorrow my relatives are coming. They will be looking at the tree."

Trixie: "If I know your relatives, they will be sitting in the tree."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party" ('52 version):

(Alice finishes decorating the tree. Ralph notices.)

Alice: "You certainly were no help."

Ralph: "What do you mean? I picked out tree, didn't I?"

Alice: "But I carried it home, didn't I?"

"Santa & The Bookies" ('53):

Ralph: "I can get my friend to help me but I want to tell you. He's not as smart as I am."

"Mr. Smith #1": He's not as smart as you?"

Ralph: "Yes."

"Mr. Smith #2": "He's hired."

All from "Run, Santa, Run":

#1:

Ralph: "It's a woman priviledge to tell her man that she's pregnant. I can't let her know that I know that she's pregnant."

Ed: "If it was the other way around, you would tell her."

#2:

(Ralph thinks that Alice is pregnant. Alice doesn't know.)

Alice: "You deserve a hot supper."

Ralph: "When should we expect it?"

#3:

Ralph: "That kid is going to high school, college, medical school. Eery cent I have is going to that kid's education."

Ed: "How much do you have?"

Ralph: "$12."

“Honeymooners X-Mas Special”:

#1

Alice’s Mom: “Where is Alice? The person that I said: ’30 years ago, you will marry that bum Ralph Kramden over my dead body.”

Ralph: “That is another promise that you didn’t keep.”

#2

Alice’s Mom: “Are you forgetting that my husband was in show business?”

Ralph: “Selling candy in a burlesque theater isn’t show business.”

#3

Alice’s Mom: “Don’t forget to hand Alice that check.”

Ralph: “What do you want me to do, tie a string around my finger?”

Alice’s Mom: “I got a better idea. Tie one around your neck.”

“Honeymooners Christmas Carol”:

#1

(Ralph tries to open the cot. He accidentally hurts his finger.)

Ralph (yells as he is holding his finger and going through some mannerisms): “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!....OWWWWWWWW!...AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

(Ralph puts his hurt finger in a bowl of water.)

Alice: “Did you hurt yourself Ralph?”

Ralph: “What made you think that?”

Alice: “I got a hint from the…” (imitating Ralph’s mannerisms when he hurt his finger): “Owwwwwww!”

#2

Ralph: “The Cratchett’s are very poor. Their furniture is shabby. There is paint peeling off the ceiling and the walls. They got an old stove.”

Alice: “Wait a minute. Is the name Cratchett or Kramden?”

#3

(Ralph has Ed write down the fact that he swears that he will take Alice on vacation.)

Ralph: “’I Ralph Kramden being of sound mind…”

Alice: “Oh wait a minute. It’s 3am, you are standing here, you have Ed writing down what you are saying and you have the gall to say that you are a sound mind?”

Ed: “You are right Alice. He is nuts.”

All from "'Twas The Night Before Christmas":

#1:

Ralph: "Merry Christmas Norton. Anyway, I know it came from your heart."

Ed: "No, it didn't. It came from the Fat Man's Shop."

#2:

Ralph: "When they made me, they threw away the mold."

Ed: "They had to. You probably broke it."

#3

(Ralph puts Alice's present under the ice box.)

Alice: "Ralph, I put your present under there (under the ice box.)"

Ralph: "Here we are like a couple of kids. What did you get me?"

#4

Ralph (to Alice): "You know something sweetheart? Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up - red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home - you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place your going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

(Audience claps. Ralph stops the curtain from closing.)

Jackie (as himself): "Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, we usually don't step out of character, but tonight I think that it's proper that Mr. and Mrs. Kramden and Mr. Mrs. Norton wish everybody a Merry Christmas. Would you come in here Nortons?"

(The Nortons come out.)

Jackie: "There they are."

(Everyone bows to the crowd's applause.)

Credit goes to Yahoo! Groups You're A Riot!

Merry Christmas to all!
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Old 12-25-2014, 10:19 AM   #117
Frank Gannucci
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Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,853
Default XMas Quotes:

All from "Run, Santa, Run":

#1

(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant.)

Ed: "Trixie, are you with elf?"

Trixie: "No, I'm with nincompoop."

#2

(Ralph thinks that Alice is going to be pregnant.)

Ralph: "When can we expect the happy occasion?"

Alice: "After I go to the buther's and get you two lamb chops."

Ralph (to Ed): "Did you hear that? It's going to be twins."

#3

Ralph: "I'm going to be Santa Claus."

Ed: "Why can't I be Santa Claus?"

(Ed looks at how fat Ralph is.)

Ed: "On second thought, you should be Santa Claus."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party" ('53) & "'Twas The Night Before
Christmas":

Trixie: "Would you like to hear what Ed gave me?"

Alice: "You mean he gave you your present?"

Trixie: "He couldn't wait to give it to me. Do you know what he gave me?"

Alice: "What?"

Trixie: "An orange juice squeezer."

Alice: "An orange juice squeezer?"

Trixie: "It's no ordinary orange juice squeezer. You squeeze the orange on top of Napolean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party" ('53) & "'Twas The Night Before Christmas":

(In the last few minutes of the episodes, Alice unwraps her present.)

Alice: "Ralph, it's beautiful."

Ralph: "You like it?"

Alice: "Yes."

Ralph: "Good and it's practical too. You squeeze the orange on top of Napolean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party" ('53):

Joe The Bartender (played by Jackie Gleason): "Is this your wrap?"

Francis Langford (as herself): "Yes."

Joe (putting her coat around her): "Well, here let me wrap you."

All from "Honeymooners Christmas Carol":

#1

Ed: "These two parts that I am playing. What is my motivation? What is my feel?"

Ralph: "What is your motivation? What is your feel?" (making a fist): "This is your motivation. Do you want to feel it?"

Ed: "Ralph you wouldn't hit a 10-year-old who is also an 80-year-old, would you?"

#2

(Ralph has an assgot on which looks like a very big tie.)

Ralph: "A man with my broad talent has to work with amateurs."

Alice: "The only thing broad about you Ralph is your assgot."

#3

Alice: "You got Ed playing an 80-year-old man and a 10-year-old at the same time? What did you say the name of this play was?"

Ralph: "'A Christmas Carol.'"

Alice: "Are you sure it isn't' Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?'"

All from "Honeymooners Christmas Special":

#1

(Ralph comes home to find out that Trixie, Alice & Alice's Mom are there and they are all angry at him for taking their money as well as not depositing Alice's Dad's social security check.)

Ralph: "You are all right. I took all your money. I cashed in my own paycheck and I borrowed off my life-insurance and I even took my Raccoon Pension Plan. I put all that money into one lump sum and I invested in the greatest idea I ever had."

Alice: "What is that?"

Ralph: "Stand back."

(Ralph gets a small paper bag.)

Ralph: "It is in this bag?"

(Ralph opens it. A bunch of pieces of paper out.)

Ralph: "Lottery tickets."

Ed: "And you thought that Ralph was crazy."

Trixie: "I will vouch for that."

Ed: "He is as sane as I am."

#2

Ralph: "What is your mother doing in the bathroom? She has been in there for and hour and a half."

Alice: "She is doing what every woman does when they go to bed. She is putting on her beauty cream."

Ralph: "Let her put some vanishing cream on and disappear."

#3

Ralph: "You (Alice's Mom) have convinced Alice to leave me you old bat."

Alice's Mom: "I take that from whence it comes."

Ralph (making a fist): "Take this from whence it comes."

All from "'Twas The Night Before Christmas":

#1:

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "ALICE! ALICE!"

(Alice opens the window.)

Alice (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT TRIXIE?"

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "DO YOU HAVE ANY ORANGES?"

Alice (yells): "YES. I WILL GIVE THEM TO YOU."

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "THANK YOU."

Ralph: "What does she think this is, a grocery store?"

#2:

Alice: "I'll tell you where I hid your gift. It's on the top shelf of the closet. I'm going up to see Trixie."

Ralph: "It makes no difference to me where you hid my gift."

(Alice leaves and Ralph goes to get his gift. His hand gets caught in a mousetrap.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

#3:

(Ralph shows Ed what he got Alice by going under the ice box. His hand gets caught in the mousetrap that is under there.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Ed (thinking that the trap is the gift): "That is beautiful Ralph."

#4

Ralph (to Alice): "You know something sweetheart? Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up - red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home - you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place your going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

(Audience claps. Jackie stops the curtain from closing.)

Jackie (as himself): "Hold up. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, we usually don't step out of character, but tonight I think that it's proper that Mr. and Mrs. Kramden and Mr. Mrs. Norton wish everybody a Merry Christmas. Would you come in here Nortons?"

(The Nortons come out.)

Jackie: "There they are."

(Everyone bows to the crowd's applause.)

Merry Christmas to all!
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Old 12-26-2014, 03:03 PM   #118
Frank Gannucci
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Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,853
Default

"The Golfer":

(Ralph picks up the cotton ball.)

Ralph (yells): "OW! IT HAS PINS IN IT."

Ed: "What did you expect. chicken noddles?"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "it's a good thing that you weren't married to Alex Graham Bell or he would have never invented the phone."

Alice: "It makes no difference to me. We don't have one."

Ralph: "With your voice, we don't need one."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will sell hamburgers, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ed: "Are you sick?"

Ralph: "Yeah, I'm sick."

(Ralph winks to say to Ed that he isn't. Ed doesn't buy it.)

Ed: "You ain't kidding. You even got a twitch in your eye."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ed: "Here's a good theme for the dance. How about the Vikings Discovering America?"

Ralph: "You want to do that theme in the Sons of Italy Hall?"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam! And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. For one of a battle, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"
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Old 12-27-2014, 09:11 AM   #119
Frank Gannucci
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Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,853
Default

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

(At the Raccoon lodge, Ed goes in the "Out" door to go to the kitchen. He bumps into Ralph. Ralph & Ed have an argument about which door [the ones being marked "In" or "Out"] Ed should use to enter the Raccoon kitchen at the lodge.)

Ralph: "You are supposed to go in the door marked 'In.'"

Ed: "I wasn't going in that room. I was coming out of this room."

Ralph: "You were not going out of this room. You were going in that room."

Ed: "How could I go into that room without coming out of this room?"

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum."

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum."

Alice: "My brother is just as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He's still a bum."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "Fourteen years, I fractured myself just to take care of Alice. Now, I see here coming out of a restaurant and get into a cab with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"The Main Event":

(Ralph just became Dynamite's manager.)

Ralph: "This is a historical spot. Right here they are going to have a sign. Do you know what it is going to say?"

Ed: "Yeah: 'Cigarette machine is out of order.'"

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "What are you doing with all of that material? Making a bedspread?"

Alice: "No, I'm taking your pants out again."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face."

Ed: "Never mind that. Just give me some water. I know how to wash."

"Lawsuit":

Ralph: "I am trying to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that could do it."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Reluctantly, Ralph let the stage manager put lipstick on him so that it will make him look better on the Mike Douglas Show. While the Kramdens & Nortons are on the show, Ralph and Alice tell everyone that they love each other DEARLY. Ralph kisses Alice.)

Alice: "Ralph, are you wearing lipstick?"

Ralph: "Shut up!"
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Old 12-28-2014, 04:37 PM   #120
Frank Gannucci
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Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 5,853
Default

"Hot Dog Stand" & "Principle of The Thing":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute necessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ed hands a man a hot dog to eat.)

Ralph: "By the way I look, you wouldn't know that I was driving a bus
yesterday."

Man: "Oh."

Ed: "I was working in the sewer."

(The man stops himself from eating.)

Man: "Funny. I'm not hungry anymore."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Ralph, I think I got a splinter from sitting on this bench."

Ralph: "Stay there."

"A Dog's Life":

Ed: "How about we call the food: 'Kramden's Delicious Marshall'?"

Ralph: "Marshall? WHat kind of stuff is Marshall?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face."

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am just like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exasctly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ed: "Lately Trixie's Mom has been hounding me. 'Why don't you buy Trixie a new stove?' 'Why don't you get Trixie new clothes?' So, when I get my half of that $200, I will be happy."

Ralph: "You are going to use that money to get Trixie all that stuff?"

Ed: "No. I am going to use it to go to Miami Beach and get away from Trixie's old lady."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice accidentally throws her pool cue.)

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, wasn't I?"

Ralph: "Not if we are playing pool, but if we are javelin throwing we are."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

(The Nortons arrive at the poolroom.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I could tell them where to look."

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this food is. We might as well call it Marshall."
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