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Old 11-29-2014, 08:13 AM   #91
Frank Gannucci
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"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I am making a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only realxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that that has a key for opening the door at Bellevue."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I am going to sue the landlord? Where is he?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"Expectant Father":

(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant. Ralph thinks that Alice is pregannt. They all act real nice around their wives.)

Trixie: "What is going on here?"

Ed: "That is for you to know and for me to find out."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

"Mr. Mosby": "This cottage has features Mr. Kramden that compare favorably to your home in the city."

Ed: "If it has a door on the knob, it's way ahead."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "We are in a foregin country and in a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "Ralph, in Brooklyn I live like a native."

"We Spy":

(Ed just said to Ralph that he was a Naval Intelligence in the Navy.)

Ed: "Where is the sun?"

Ralph: "Right up there, naval intelligence."

"Corse of The Kramdens":

Man (to Ralph & Ed): "I don't usually drink."

Bartender (to the man): "What do you want?"

Man: "The usual."
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Old 11-30-2014, 04:32 PM   #92
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"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "Do you realize that you Raccoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that we have more emergencies than the U.N."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "I am the master of this house and you are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph & Ed are playing poker with a bunch of people.)

Ralph: "Why are you raising everyone if you are going out for?"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "That is a peephole. When someone knocks on your door, you look through that just in case it is a person that you don't want to let in like a deliver boy."

Ed: "The only thing you can deliver through there is a salami."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Ralph (to Emily): "He has a sickness."

Ed (as Count Marco): "I am allergic to sphagetti."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You think that I am Shorty."

Doctor: "Mr. Kramden, who is Shorty?"

Ralph: "How should I know? I never met him."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Here is another bottle. 'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT IS OLIVE OIL."
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Old 12-01-2014, 01:37 PM   #93
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"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces The Fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio The Nut."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus The Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man but it's the same old bull."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I have fractured myself driving a bus, just to take care of her. All ofa sudden today, I see her coming out of a restuarant and go into a cab with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Somebody down at the bus depot had an idead for a plaque to put on Ralph's bus that says: 'You are now driving with the World's Safest Bus Driver: Ralph Kramden.'"

Alice: "Oh, a plaque like that. I like that. Ed, you can tell me, who thought of the idea?"

Ed: "Ralph."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "You got to talk Trixie into taking that dress off."

Ed: "I am too young to die."

"You're In The Picture":

(Alice seeing a photo of a woman kissing Ralph, jumps to the conclusion that Ralph is seeing another woman. Ralph tries to tell her that the woman is a blackmailer and much to Ralph's chagrin, she forced herself on him, but to no avail. A policeman comes and explains that the woman in the picture is a blackmailer and reveals the fact that what Ralph said was true.)

Alice: "Forgive me Ralph."

Ralph: "Not yet, I want to enjoy this for a while."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden."

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to him."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."

(Alice slams the bedroom door.)

Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."
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Old 12-02-2014, 08:15 AM   #94
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"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "Now listen Ralph, as long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Ralph, I told my boss that I am not married and that I live with my brother. So, when he gets here tonight, you are my brother."

(Ralph walks into the bedroom.)

Ralph (coming out, yells): "WHAT?"

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got
hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over
to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you
cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and
will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted
Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ralph accidently pours Ed's beer into the mixture that they are making to make the bair-growing formula.)

Ed: "I was looking for my beer."

Ralph: "You stupid stupe! You made me poor the beer into the mixture."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"
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Old 12-03-2014, 08:38 AM   #95
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"Follow The Boys":

(Ed is doing a crossword puzzle outside.)

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one: House. H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They don't present a challenge."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph thinks that Ed & Alice are lovers. Ed is in Ralph's home.)

Alice: "Excuse me sweetheart."

Ralph: "Who are you calling 'sweetheart.'"

Alice: "Norton. Who else?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Norton Moves In" & "Battle of The Sexes":

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. When ever your mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11p."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "No one is going to put you in a straightjacket Ralph."

Ralph: "Thank you."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"
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Old 12-04-2014, 07:59 AM   #96
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"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "Hey, what kind of peanut butter is that? Is that the crunchy kind?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ed: "Some people will think that just because I have a sewer job, I have a glamorous job."

Ralph: "What job are you applying for?"

Ed: "Sewer inspector."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I can say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now, what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"Move Uptown":

Ed: "I want to drink you a farewell toast."

Ralph: "You know that is awafully nice of you Norton. I would like to have a toast with you."

Ed: "Good. Got any wine around the house?"

"What's The Name" & "What's Her Name":

Ralph: "Name the stars we saw in that picture tonight."

Ed: "Gary Coleman, Lana Turner..."

Ralph: "Keep going."

Ed: "You keep going. I am still thinking of Lana."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Mr. Marshall's daughter is getting married.)

Ralph: "When he realizes who idea it was to make the collection to get a gift, who do you think is going to get the promotion?"

Ed: "The guy who she is marrying, who else?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!"

Ralph: "Crow! Crow! Crow!"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at that Fun & Sun Capital of the World."

Ed: "What is he doing down at Perth Amboy?"
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Old 12-05-2014, 08:02 AM   #97
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"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ralph invites Alice to come along so he can get money for the convention. Alice was going to give him the money anyway. The men are upset that they know that Alice, and subsequently Trixie are coming along.)

Ed: "Can I ask you a question? How do you get us in these fixes?"

Ralph: "Very simple. Very simple Norton." (yells): "I HAVE A BIIIIIIG MOUTH!"

"TV or Not TV":

Ed: "Me and Ralph tossed a coin to see who would get the TV set. He said: 'Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.' It was tails, so I lost."

Ralph (to Alice): "Don't look at me like that. I learned that trick from you. That's how we got married."

"Principle of The Thing":

(Ralph shows Alice the ugly wallpaper.)

Ralph: "What do you think?"

(Alice wraps up the wallpaper and gives it to Ralph along with his hat and opens the door.)

Alice: "And I don't want to see you back in this house again until the man gives you your money back."

Ralph: "Don't hint Alice."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man but it's the same old bull."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

(Ralph hits his knee with a hammer.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "You have holes in your gloves. Fix the silverware."

Ralph: "How would you like some fingers up your nose?"

"The Main Event":

Dynamie: "I need a manager. SOmeone who will get me boxing matches."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you knocked out in 12 seconds?"

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in their uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform is too tight.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yes, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph walks through the doorway.)

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "Hello. How did you know it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I could feel the floor sag."
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Old 12-06-2014, 07:58 AM   #98
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"Norton Moves In" (Color):

(The Nortons come down and ask if they can spend the night since they can't stand the smell of the new paint in their house. Alice okays it. They leave. Ralph is still asleep.)

Ralph: "3am? Why did you wake me up at this time for?"

Alice: "Because the Nortons had their apartment painted today."

Ralph: "Did that newsflash just come across the radio?"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "You are a doer and I'm a thinker."

Ed: "You certainly are."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."
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Old 12-07-2014, 12:57 PM   #99
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"Checkup":

Ed: "Have you wanted to look inside something to see what was inside?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "You're supposed to waddle like a duck."

Ralph: "How can I do that?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "I have an itch on your back."

Alice: "Scratch it yourself."

Ralph: "I can't reach it."

Alice: "Well, you are Taurus the Bull, swipe at it with your tail."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "You can't fit a sqaure into a round hole."

Ralph: "Why not? You put your head into your hat."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "No one is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ralph is about to play the horn.)

Alice: "Stand back Ed. This is liable to be messy."

Ralph: "You are about to be messy in about five seconds from now."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job. Trained in the same fashion as each other. There's always one man in the group that stands far in front of the others."

Ed: "Yeah, I guess you are right there Ralph. If you stood any more out in front, you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"The Hypnotist Part 2":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."
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Old 12-08-2014, 08:06 AM   #100
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"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "We have something more valuable than all of that put together."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "Our love. Now shut up."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "i couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Operation: Protset":

(Clifford makes the peace sign to Ralph.)

Cliff: "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one of the fingers): "Alice, grab the other one and make a wish."
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Old 12-09-2014, 09:11 AM   #101
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"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "I am not the type that eats-and-runs."

Alice: "Eats-and-runs? With the way you eat, you are lucky that you can walk."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember, you can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arm around you."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ed: "I can you a job with me down in the sewer. All you have to do is pass the test."

Ralph: "What test?"

Ed: "Can you float?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You are willing to shell out money from your life insurance for this carzy idea. That settles it Ralph. You got rocks in your head."

Ralph (yells): "I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I
GOT NOTHING IN MY HEAD!"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph just discovered a love letter that he thinks someone wrote to
Alice.)

Ralph: "Everyone in the neighborhood knows about this. I am probably
the laughingstock of the whole neighborhood. Am I the neigherborhood's laughingstock?"

Ed: "Yeah, and they don't even know about this yet."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Alice: "The only thing that is overstuffed around here is YOU."

Ralph: "That is the same line that your mother used when I threw her out bodily."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "When you save the money, you can't take it with you."

Alice: "You are right. I never go anyplace."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Ralph: "Alice, I hope that you are satisfied. You are the first woman in history to interupt that Raccoon song."

Alice: "Well Scottie-Wattie-Do-Dah-Day!"
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Old 12-10-2014, 07:57 AM   #102
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"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Alice: "We have to get rid of Happy. He's too big for this apartment."

Ralph: "He's too big for a zoo."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed: "What are you yelling at me for? You got rid of the hic-koffs, didn't you?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "You got no sense of humor."

Alice: "Oh yes I do. I married you, didn't I?"

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailer."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in the lemon of a cottage.)

Ed: "This cottage isn't so bad."

Trixie: "Maybe not for a guy who spends most of his life in the sewer."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Look at the stomach."

Ralph: "That is not my stomach."

Alice: "What is it?"

Ralph: "It happens to be a very low chest."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph just found out that it was Ed who wrote the note.)

Mrs. Patterson: "Notice the open o's."

Ralph: "Open O's? I will open his head."

"The Deciding Vote":

Alice: "Ralph, what are you going to do?"

Ralph: "I will give that bum (Ed) a reference." (reading): "'How long have you known the applicant?' Too long." (reading): "'Is the applicant trustworthy?' Don't make me laugh." (reading): "'In your opinion, is the applicant a good character?' The applicant is a bum!"
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Old 12-11-2014, 07:58 AM   #103
Frank Gannucci
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"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Oh, is that all that they are going to do? They're just gonna take it out of my refund? It just so happens Alice that I was planning on that refund - IN ITS ENTIRETY! I need all of the refund - all 42 dollars! I can't afford to let any of the 42 go! I got to go down to Fred's Landings - I need 42dollars! What am I gonna do if I haven't got enough money?"

Alice: "We'll just have to cut down, Ralph. Just ask for a cheaper tent with a smaller snake."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(The Kramdens and Nortons run into "Mr. Mosby" in hopes of getting a cottage. The one that they are in costs $2,000.)

"Mr. Mosby": "I'm going to do for you what I did for my mother."

Ed: "You are going to buy a cottage for us?"

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "I have always been lucky at contests. Remember last year at Harry's Grove when I won the clam eating contest?"

Alice (from bedroom): "Yeah?"

Ralph: "I got $5 from that. $5."

Alice (coming out of the bedroom): "You sure did and you spent $7 on Alka-Seltzer."

"Jellybeans":

(Ed takes some of the jellybeans and eats them. Ralph spots him.)

Ralph (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ARE YOU EATING THOSE JELLYBEANS
FOR?"

Ed: "What's the matter? What are they, poisoned?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back.)

Ralph: "How does this look? Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Yeah, like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Mike Case is about to hypnotize Alice to get her to tell Ralph where the money is so he can use it on the convention.)

Ralph (to Mike Case): "You might think that this is a little underhanded, but all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Did you see Dynamite wallop that cigarette machine?"

Ed: "Good thing it wasn't a Pepsi-Cola machine or we would all drown."
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Old 12-12-2014, 08:17 PM   #104
Frank Gannucci
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Posts: 5,842
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"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb: "What is your wife's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Are you sure you can type faster than me?"

Ed: "With boxing gloves on."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I fractured myself just to take care of her. Now, I just saw Alice coming out of an Italian restuarant with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "If you don't give me the money, I am going to walk out the door. Are you going to give me the money?"

Alice: "No."

Ralph: "This is the last chance Alice. Are you going to give mt the money?"

Alice: "No."

Ralph: "The last time. Are you going to give me the money?"

Alice: "No."

(Ralph motions that he is going to leave, but comes back.)

Ralph: "You gotta give me the money."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

Ralph: "How would you like to be the wife of a rich, brilliant, highly-respected business man?"

Ed: "I think she would rather stay with you Ralph."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(The makeup lady put lipstick on Ralph's lips.)

Makeup Lady: "Go like this."

(She makes kissing noises with her lips. So does Ralph.)

Ed: "Don't just sit there Ralph. Kiss me."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ralph is in the makeup chair. He has his eyes closed while the lady is putting eye shadow on.)

Ralph: "What is she doing Norton?"

Ed (stifiling laughter): "Nothing."

Ralph: "Then why are you laughing?"

Makeup Lady: "I am just putting blue eye shadow on."

Ralph: "Oh, that's good." (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "Do you know what a fool I am Norton going out in the middle of the night while I have a beautiful wife at home?"

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."
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Old 12-13-2014, 09:28 AM   #105
Frank Gannucci
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"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future. The key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that it has a key for opening the door at Bellevue?"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph: "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What are you, counting?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph and Ed arrive in the Kramdens apartment. Ralph thinks that Alice is asleep in the bedroom.)

Ralph (whispering): "Shhh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What's that Ralph?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep.'"
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