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Old 09-12-2014, 07:44 AM   #16
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"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Alice: "We have to get rid of Happy. He's too big for this apartment."

Ralph: "He's too big for a zoo."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed: "What are you yelling at me for? You got rid of the hic-koffs, didn't you?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "You got no sense of humor."

Alice: "Oh yes I do. I married you, didn't I?"

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailer."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in the lemon of a cottage.)

Ed: "This cottage isn't so bad."

Trixie: "Maybe not for a guy who spends most of his life in the sewer."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Look at the stomach."

Ralph: "That is not my stomach."

Alice: "What is it?"

Ralph: "It happens to be a very low chest."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph just found out that it was Ed who wrote the note.)

Mrs. Patterson: "Notice the open o's."

Ralph: "Open O's? I will open his head."

"The Deciding Vote":

Alice: "Ralph, what are you going to do?"

Ralph: "I will give that bum (Ed) a reference." (reading): "'How long have you known the applicant?' Too long." (reading): "'Is the applicant trustworthy?' Don't make me laugh." (reading): "'In your opinion, is the applicant a good character?' The applicant is a bum!"
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Old 09-13-2014, 07:13 AM   #17
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"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Convention when the police were cracking down on the people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just filled up my bags with water and threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type of person that would bend way over to pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I wish that Trixie would make frosting that tastes as good as this."

Alice: "Icing? Ed, that's starch."

Ed: "It is?"

(Ed tastes it again.)

Ed: "I still wish that Trixie would make frosting that tastes as good as this."

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidentally makes Ralph miss his shot while playing pool. Ralph walks up to Ed and hits Ed's foot with a pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with the pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWW!"

"The Cold":

(Alice is taking the plaster off of Ralph's back.)

Alice: "I suppose you can't take off the top of your pajamas?"

Ralph: "You want to turn the cold into ammonia."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. ‘Dear Mr. Marshall:'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "I'm the boss. You're nothing."

Alice: "Big deal. You are the boss over nothing."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum."

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum. Capital B-capital u-capital um. Bum."

Alice: "My brother is just as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He's still a bum."
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Old 09-14-2014, 07:32 AM   #18
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"The Golfer":

(Ralph grabs the pin cushion.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWW! THERE IS PINS IN IT."

Ed: "What did you expect, chicken noodles?"

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "How about a donut?"

Ralph: "You know that I am on a diet. Besides, after this game we can get a pizza."

"The $99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "I am not going to Fred's Landing."

Ralph: "Don't go."

Alice: "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "I just hope one thing. That when we get to Fred's Landing, that you fall in love with the place. That way, when I get my vacation next year, I will leave you home."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"To Whomever It May Concern":

(Ed wrote SWAK on the back of Ralph's letter.)

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed With A Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."

"The Mexian Hat Trick":

(Ralph is disguised as El Diablo and Ed is disguised as El Norto at the El Bar-Ocho Cafe. Banging is heard as a Mexican is thrown out of the kitchen and falls onto a table thereby breaking it. You can tell that the table was fake.)

Ralph: "What was that all about?"

Bartender: "He wanted to join El Lobo's gang."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, why don't we just mail in our application?"

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

Ralph (to Charlie): "I'm on a diet. I've gone from 220."

Ed: "That's his room number. He actually gone from 280."
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Old 09-15-2014, 07:27 AM   #19
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"Catch A Star":

Alice: "Ralph, if you think that you are going to get Jackie Gleason to come to this dance of yours, you are out of your mind."

Ralph: "There she (Alice) is: Happy Mildred!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(Ralph is at the psychiatrist's office.)

Doctor (to Ralph): "You are going to like this. This is fun. This is an aptitude test."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and me."

Ed: "This poolroom isn't big enough for you and anybody."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "You're not stopping me. I am loaded with ideas."

Alice: "Anybody who hears those ideas will sure think that you are loaded."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Another tail may be hanging from this Raccoon cap. Then another and another. Pretty soon, I can become a thirteen-tail man. Do you know what that is like Alice, to be a thirteen-tail man?"

Alice: "It must be pretty special since a monkey only has one."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried saying "Boomph" to get out, like he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There isn't a key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Follow The Boys":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."
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Old 09-16-2014, 07:15 AM   #20
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"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

(At the Raccoon lodge, Ed goes in the "Out" door to go to the kitchen. He bumps into Ralph. Ralph & Ed have an argument about which door [the ones being marked "In" or "Out"] Ed should use to enter the Raccoon kitchen at the lodge.)

Ralph: "You are supposed to go in the door marked "In."

Ed: "I wasn't going in that room. I was coming out of this room."

Ralph: "You were not going out of this room. You were going in that room."

Ed: "How could I go into that room without coming out of this room?"

"A Weighty Problem Part One":

Ralph: "For my height, I am four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippotomus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "How was the anchovy pizza that I made for you Mr. Gleason?"

Jackie: "I don't know. I ate it so fast, I didn't taste it."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ralph & Alice are in the poolroom. The Nortons answer.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed (reading the astrology book): "'Taurus the Bull seldom loses his temper, shows great wisdow in all financial matters and is extremely attractive to the opposite sex.'"

Ralph: "That is me all right."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Junk? Junk Junk? Just watch yourself Alice. This furniture was a wedding present from my grandfather."

Alice: "Yeah to your grandmother."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "The government is investigating me."

Alice: "You are not the first person to be investigated by the government."

Ed: "Yeah, the jails are full of them."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "I'm going to make a fortune and I'm going to let you in on the deal."

Ed: "Here we go again."

Ralph: "What kind of crack is that?"

Ed: "I'll tell you what kind of crack that was. You come to me before with things like this before. I can't stand to make a fortune again. I'm going broke."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph walks in as Alice and Trixie are rehearsing their act for the talent show.)

Alice: "We are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, The Bellevue Follies?"
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Old 09-17-2014, 07:20 AM   #21
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"In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Flakey Wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "But take away from your fat little waist."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How much time would it take a man if he went about selling these things (Handy Housewife Helpers) if he went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed comes in wearing shorts.)

Ed: "It's the latest thing. It's about time that we men broke the chains of convention. We have been prisoners long enough."

Ralph: "You keep wearing that and you will be in prison all over again."

"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed is wearing one of Trixie's dresses.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smoke that cigar?"

Ed: "Please. It's the only link left to the old me."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio the nut."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."
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Old 09-18-2014, 09:41 AM   #22
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"One Big Happy Family":

Ralph: "That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you ate more, you wouldn't be able to fit in a bus."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "From now on, you are to address me ina civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I have become Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man bu it's the same old bull."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Trixie: "This set is Ed's legally."

Ralph: "Oh, so it's legally his. It's legally his. What law school did you go to? I was unaware that they had a law school at Minsky's."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Tell Ralph that he's a low-down skunk."

Alice: "Ed says that you are a low-down skunk."

Ralph: "Tell him that he's a miserable bum."

Alice: "He says that you are a miserable bum. So, Low-Down Skunk meet Miserable Bum."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."
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Old 09-19-2014, 07:19 AM   #23
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"Petticoat Jungle":

Ed: "What is this?"

Ralph: "That is a medicine ball."

Ed: "You must have to drink a whole lot of water to swallow something
like this."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(The salesman shows the Kramdens and Nortons a very small box.)

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that there is one bathing suit in there?"

Man: "One? There are six of them in here."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing I ever got into."

Alice: "That would be your pants."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "Can I use your phone?"

Ed: "No, Trixie is dressing."

Ralph: "But the phone is in the kitchen."

Ed: "That is where she is dressing. There is no window shade in the bedroom."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's maiden name Mr. Norton?"

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that TV set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(The Kramdens & Norton arrive in a VERY small car.)

Man: "These italian cars aren't exactly very big."

Ralph: "You're telling me. When I first saw this, I thought that it was a cigarette lighter."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Freddie Muller: "The party will be going from 9p-to 12am."

Ed: "That includes 11:30. Doesn't it?"
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Old 09-20-2014, 07:51 AM   #24
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"Curse of The Kramdens":

"Ghost": "I'm the Ghost of Shammus O' Toole. If your name is Kramden, beware! Ha ha ha!"

Ed: "This is Ed Norton. Capital N-capital O-r-t-o-n."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "My brothers don't eat like that."

Alice: "Your brothers don't eat like that? Then how come you are the one in the family that they call 'Skinny.'"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"Guest Speaker":

(Ed comes in and sees Ralph in his Raccoon uniform.)

Ed: "What happened Ralph, did you get drafted?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get drafted. I'm a Raccoon."

Ed: "Well, I am a butterfly and I'm flying out of here."

"Double Anniversary":

(Ralph tells Ed of his surprise plans to Alice which entails him inviting her out to a movie only to lead her into the Kit Kat Klub where they are going to have the surprise party.)

Ralph: "I hope she doesn't faint."

Ed: "I hope she doesn't faint when she learns that you want to take her to a movie."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

"Ghost": "I'm the Ghost of Shammus O' Toole. If your name is Kramden, beware! Ha ha ha!"

Ed: "This is Ed Norton. Capital N-capital O-r-t-o-n."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "My brothers don't eat like that."

Alice: "Your brothers don't eat like that? Then how come you are the one in the family that they call 'Skinny.'"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"Guest Speaker":

(Ed comes in and sees Ralph in his Raccoon uniform.)

Ed: "What happened Ralph, did you get drafted?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get drafted. I'm a Raccoon."

Ed: "Well, I am a butterfly and I'm flying out of here."

"Double Anniversary":

(Ralph tells Ed of his surprise plans to Alice which entails him inviting her out to a movie only to lead her into the Kit Kat Klub where they are going to have the surprise party.)

Ralph: "I hope she doesn't faint."

Ed: "I hope she doesn't faint when she learns that you want to take her to a movie."

"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1":

(Ed is behind Ralph.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Napolean had Josephine behind him. Who do I have behind me?" (yells): "DON'T YOU DARE!"

(Ralph is ashamed that Ed is standing behind him.)

Ralph (normally): "Now go to bed."

Alice: "Ahhh."

(Alice closes the door.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Oh, you're flirting with death."
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Old 09-21-2014, 07:59 AM   #25
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"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."
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Old 09-22-2014, 07:25 AM   #26
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"A Matter of Record":

Alice: "I told you Ralph. I don't want you calling my mom that."

Ralph: "All right. You are an expert on crossword puzzles. Give me another word for 'blabbermouth.'"

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "Do you want to go to the play or not? I can't use two seats."

Ed: "That is a matter of opinion."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

(Ralph is looking for the annual Raccoon Treasury Report.)

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"You're In The Picture":

(A man has a photo of a woman kissing Ralph.)

Man: "If you don't give me the $500, I will give this picture to your wife."

Ed: "Ralph, play it smart. Don't give him the money. Let him give the photo to Alice then you can get it from her for nothing."

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Washington Kenmore thinks that Treeny [Ed] is 18.)

Trixie: "I'm Treeny's (Ed's) high school sweetheart."

Worithington Kenmore: "You're kidding."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm not asking you for the money. The General is telling you to give it to me."

(Alice takes a bowl and puts it on Ralph's head like an Army General's Helmet. She "salutes" him.)

Alice: "Har-har-har!"

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "By the way Norton, I am not going to forget about you in my will Norton. I will let you have my bowling shoes."

Ed: "Boy, I was just going to get myself a pair of bowling shoes. This couldn't have happened at a better time."

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ralph & Ed are hatching a plan so Ed can pose as an 18-year-old, so he can win the contest.)

Ed: "That is fraud. I could get sent to jail for 10 years."

Ralph: "So what? You will be out when you are 28."
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Old 09-23-2014, 07:20 AM   #27
Frank Gannucci
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"Young At Heart":

Alice: "How can you be so icky?"

Ralph: "Icky?"

Alice: "You are a termite Ralph. Strickly out of the wood."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "What does 'icky' mean?"

Ed: "I don't know. Why?"

Ralph: "Alice just said that I was icky."

Ed: "Must mean fat."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "My mistake was not going to a wedding the day I got married."

Alice: "What did you say? What did you say?"

Ralph: "I don't chew my cabbage twice."

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "Do you know what it like Alice to own a home? You can walk outside, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out in the hallway right now and do the same thing."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Ed, I realize that I can't talk to Ralph because he's stubborn and unreasonable. But, I have always had respect for your willing to play fair and so I appeal to you. It is getting late. People will like to get some sleep. I think you should stop playing the piano and I'm sure that you will agree with me Ed because you have always been fair and considerate. You are a reasonable man."

Ralph: "Don't let her fool you. You are just as unreasonable as I am."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."

"Follow The Boys":

(Trixie comes down in a Japanese geisha girl costume.)

Trixie: "Come here lover boy (Ed.)"

Ed: "Save me Ralph. I'm a sex symbol."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "Even the Constitution says that a man is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Ed: "But the marriage license is an amendment to the Constitution."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."
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Old 09-25-2014, 12:13 PM   #28
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"Catch A Star":

Alice: "Ralph, if you think that you are going to get Jackie Gleason to come to this dance of yours, you are out of your mind."

Ralph: "There she (Alice) is: Happy Mildred!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(Ralph is at the psychiatrist's office.)

Doctor (to Ralph): "You are going to like this. This is fun. This is an aptitude test."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and me."

Ed: "This poolroom isn't big enough for you and anybody."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "You're not stopping me. I am loaded with ideas."

Alice: "Anybody who hears those ideas will sure think that you are loaded."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Another tail may be hanging from this Raccoon cap. Then another and another. Pretty soon, I can become a thirteen-tail man. Do you know what that is like Alice, to be a thirteen-tail man?"

Alice: "It must be pretty special since a monkey only has one."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried saying "Boomph" to get out, like he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There isn't a key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Follow The Boys":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."
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Old 09-26-2014, 07:38 AM   #29
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"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "Alice wants a TV set."

Ed: "How did Alice know about something called TV? I thought you kept her in the dark about things like that."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Your husband certainly is a treasure."

(Rita leaves.)

Alice: "A treasure? If he keeps this up much longer, he is going to be a BURIED trea-sure."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing that I ever got into."

Alice: "That would be your pants."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's name Mr. Norton."

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It's that no-good landlord's fault. You take it too easy with him. You have to be hard on that type of guy. You have to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. So go down and tell him off."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "I see you are dressed for the vacation."

Ed: "What do you mean? I just got back from working in the sewer."

"King of The Castle":

Ralph: "Watch how it should be done. It is all in the form."

(Ralph does some body movements and then bowls.)

Ed: "Lucky shot. You managed to knock down one pin."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "The Nortons just had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"Without Reservations":

(The first guest of the KramNor Hotel comes in.)

Guest: "Are you on Diner's Club?"

Ralph: "Heh?"
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Old 09-27-2014, 07:28 AM   #30
Frank Gannucci
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"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb: "What is your wife's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Are you sure you can type faster than me?"

Ed: "With boxing gloves on."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I fractured myself just to take care of her. Now, I just saw Alice coming out of an Italian restuarant with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "If you don't give me the money, I am going to walk out the door. Are you going to give me the money?"

Alice: "No."

Ralph: "This is the last chance Alice. Are you going to give mt the money?"

Alice: "No."

Ralph: "The last time. Are you going to give me the money?"

Alice: "No."

(Ralph motions that he is going to leave, but comes back.)

Ralph: "You gotta give me the money."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

Ralph: "How would you like to be the wife of a rich, brilliant, highly-respected business man?"

Ed: "I think she would rather stay with you Ralph."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(The makeup lady put lipstick on Ralph's lips.)

Makeup Lady: "Go like this."

(She makes kissing noises with her lips. So does Ralph.)

Ed: "Don't just sit there Ralph. Kiss me."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ralph is in the makeup chair. He has his eyes closed while the lady is putting eye shadow on.)

Ralph: "What is she doing Norton?"

Ed (stifiling laughter): "Nothing."

Ralph: "Then why are you laughing?"

Makeup Lady: "I am just putting blue eye shadow on."

Ralph: "Oh, that's good." (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "Do you know what a fool I am Norton going out in the middle of the night while I have a beautiful wife at home?"

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."
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