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Old 12-06-2006, 03:13 PM   #106
Brad Russ
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Wink Four President's visit The Wizard of Oz

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ...
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.


"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"


Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:

"I've come for some courage."

" No Problem! said the Wizard . Who 's next? "


Richard Nixon stepped forward,

" Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done! says the Wizard.



Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said,

"The American people say that I need a brain."

"No problem! said the Wizard.
Consider it done."



Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"Well, what do you want?"



"IS DOROTHY HERE?"
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St. John 15:13 - Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

Currently my favorite song.
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Old 12-06-2006, 05:25 PM   #107
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Default A really bad one

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.


He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.


"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.


"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.


They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!


"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"


"No," she replies. . . ..........







"You just happened to catch my eye."
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I look forward to resuming our verbal judo - Lex Luthor
It's a complicated world, Clark. Only the naÔve view it in black and white - Lex Luthor

Genevieve: "I underestimated you, Lex."
Lex: "Well, thatís a common mistake."

Lionel Luthor: "We don't need to play games, son."
Lex Luthor: "Dad, games are all we got."
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Old 12-06-2006, 10:07 PM   #108
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Default

How did Helen Keller's mother punish her? By rearranging the living room furniture.
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Derek's quotes:

"Looks like Mom fed you well"- After I saw my friend for the first time in 3 years after he grew to 6'6"

"Michael Jordan and Ron Jeremy have one thing in common. They both take it to the hole."

"Welcome to the twilight zone."- 9/11

"M-O-N-E-Y"- After my dad couldn't figure out why Ben Wallace left the Pistons for the Bulls

"No smaller than yours"-After my friend asked how big Mini Me's gun was
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Old 12-07-2006, 05:24 AM   #109
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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President. The pre sident was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those *******s deducted $95.00 in taxes.
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Old 12-07-2006, 01:54 PM   #110
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and
'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go
ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd
sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you
learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house
and send you kids to a great university!"


The boy then went to his sister and a sked, "Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad
Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"


The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"


"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how
much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.


His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman.''
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Old 12-07-2006, 02:14 PM   #111
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Two Islamic terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the terrorist in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the terrorists picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other terrorist said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other terrorist picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
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Old 12-07-2006, 02:24 PM   #112
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Exclamation

This one is kind of dirty, so if you get offended easily, DON'T READ IT!!!!!!!!

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around

the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male

patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's

disgraceful! Why is he doing

that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly

explained, "I'm very sorry

that you were exposed to that, but this man has a

serious condition

where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if

he doesn't do that

at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain

and his testicles

could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the

woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a

male patient laying in

bed while a nurse performed oral

sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT

be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness,

better health plan."
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Old 12-08-2006, 12:31 AM   #113
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Mel
The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman.''
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Old 12-08-2006, 12:34 AM   #114
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Mel
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
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Old 12-08-2006, 12:35 AM   #115
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Mel
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness,

better health plan."
Brad, these are some really funny jokes.
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Old 12-08-2006, 07:51 AM   #116
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Mel
Two Islamic terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the terrorist in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the terrorists picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other terrorist said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other terrorist picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"


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Old 12-08-2006, 04:40 PM   #117
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janice
Brad, these are some really funny jokes.

I thought you might like those. My favorite was the hospital one. I laughed for 3 minutes straight after reading that.

Iv'e got a ton more jokes that I'll be posting up throughout this thread.
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Old 12-08-2006, 05:10 PM   #118
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Here's a joke that I spontaneously came up with a few days ago when my Aunt and I were making fun of Brokeback Mountain while chatting on yahoo. it actually made her spit out her coffee.

"Brokeback Mountain, a film that the Village Voice gave two penis' up."

I know, I know, pretty tasteless, but still pretty damn funny if you ask me!!
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Old 12-13-2006, 09:57 AM   #119
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No comment, heheheheheheheheh!!! Merry Xmas!!!

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Old 12-17-2006, 09:07 PM   #120
Brad Russ
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Wink I love the dirty ones!!

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was
her stunningly gorgeous younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. One day, "little" sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings
and desires for me that she just couldn't overcome. She told me that
she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed
my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said,"I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,just come up and
take me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her bounce up the
stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline
straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards
my
car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,we are very
happy that you have passed our little test...we couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is :


ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR
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