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Old 03-19-2018, 10:43 PM   #811
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Old 03-20-2018, 05:06 PM   #812
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Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.
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Old 03-21-2018, 02:25 PM   #813
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Bad Pun Joke #20:

Jack asks Melvin why he's getting dressed in a tuxedo.

"I'm getting ready for a reception at the Moroccan consulate," says Melvin. "It's for a special guest from Morocco."

"Who is it?" asks Jack.

"A Mr. Abdul Hassan Akesh," says Melvin. "He's a former journalist who decided to quit reporting and get into political activism to make Morocco more democratic. He managed to have his home town get a charter that allows its mayor and council to be elected by the people. Mr. Akesh became the first democratically elected mayor of his town.

"Impressive!" says Jack.

"But he's still proud of his former journalism career, so he goes by a title to honor that part of his past," says Melvin. "I have to remember to address him by his title when I meet him."

Jack asks what Mr. Akesh's title is, and Melvin tells him: "Mayor Akesh, Ex-Press."

Just then, a train crashes into the room and runs Melvin over.
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Old 03-21-2018, 06:12 PM   #814
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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they forgot the words.
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Old 03-21-2018, 06:29 PM   #815
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Bad Pun Joke #21:

Mr. Fritzenberger goes to the bank in Minnesota to get a loan for his genetically altered fruit product - a tree that grows only two feet high and yields miniature apples.

"Genetically altered fruits are going nowhere," the banker tells Mr. Fritzenberger. "None of these new miniature fruits are going to be a success."

"Maybe not the others," Mr. Fritzenberger insists, but the mini-apple is!"

Just then, a large oak trees crashes through the window and crushes Mr. Fritzenberger to death.
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Old 03-21-2018, 06:35 PM   #816
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Q: Why did the snowman name his dog "Frost"?

A: Because "Frost" bites!
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Old 03-21-2018, 06:43 PM   #817
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Working at a yo-yo factory has its ups and downs.
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Old 03-21-2018, 07:36 PM   #818
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Bad Pun Joke #22:

Two nerds are in a book store looking for books from Gertrude Stein. One says he thinks she had a cousin named Phyllis who hated the arts and culture.

"The other nerd says, "Ah, Phyllis Stein?"

One second later, he is killed when a bookcase falls on him.
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Old 03-22-2018, 07:21 PM   #819
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Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?

Because he’s always spotted.
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Old 03-23-2018, 12:04 AM   #820
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Bad Pun Joke #23:

A man who only uses plural verbs with singular subjects informs the police that a bank robber wanted by the law has escaped to Nepal.

"Well," the desk sergeant says, "we'd better put out the signal to Batman!"

"No," says the informant, "call Catman. Catman are the greatest superhero, 'cause Catman have great feline powers. Catman know about the robber, Catman catch bank robbers all the time, and if Catman need to go to Nepal, than Catman will go there."

"But who really knows how to catch a bank robber in Nepal?" the desk sergeant asks.

The informant replies, "Catman do!"

Just then, a mountain lion runs into the police station and mauls the informant to death.

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Old 03-23-2018, 05:59 PM   #821
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(Outer-space humor)

What’s a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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Old 03-23-2018, 06:03 PM   #822
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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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Old 04-15-2018, 12:43 PM   #823
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• A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans into her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”
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Old 04-15-2018, 02:12 PM   #824
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chocolate Moose
• A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans into her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”
I don't get it.
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Old 04-15-2018, 02:18 PM   #825
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Bad Pun Joke #24:

A cold-cuts-sandwich maker tells a friend of his that he's opening a delicatessen in India. His friend says, "That's a strange place to put a new deli!" At that point, an Asian elephant lands on his friend's head.
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