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Old 02-07-2018, 03:50 PM   #796
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He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard, will be removed by the foot.
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Old 02-07-2018, 03:54 PM   #797
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The probability of life originating by accident is comparable to the possibility of the unabridged dictionary resulting from an explosion in a print shop.
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Old 02-07-2018, 08:36 PM   #798
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Old 02-08-2018, 11:59 AM   #799
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These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!


Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
Enjoy and pass on to your friends.
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Old 02-08-2018, 04:16 PM   #800
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A teacher asks a student to stand up and start the reciting of the Gettysburg Address for the class.

"Score four and seven beers ago," the student says, "our garters brought froth upon this condiment, a blue ration, deceived in liability and desecrated to the politician, that all men are tree-rated 'beagle.'"

"Very good!" the teacher says. "Next!"

As the student takes his seat again, he says to the student sitting behind him, "See, I told you she doesn't listen!"
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Old 02-18-2018, 04:19 PM   #801
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Old 02-20-2018, 04:39 PM   #802
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Winter Olympics joke:

Two carpenters named Bill and Ed are working on a project together, nailing something into place, and making small talk about the Winter Olympics. "My cousin competed in the Winter Olympics as a skier once," Bill says.

"Which Winter Olympiad was that?" Ed asks.

"1994," says Bill.

"Oh," Ed replies, "Lillehammer?"

"No," Bill says, "all I got is this big one!"
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Old 02-22-2018, 08:54 PM   #803
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When Maharishi Mahesh Yogi went to the dentist, he refused the use of Novocaine. He wanted to transcend dental medication...
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Old 02-23-2018, 03:51 PM   #804
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Two dogs were walking down the street. The first dog turned to the second and complained: "My life is a mess, my owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd and I'm as nervous as a cat."

The second dog replied: "Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?"

First dog: "I can't, I'm not allowed on the couch!"
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Old 02-23-2018, 04:49 PM   #805
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Three things you'll never hear a redneck say:

1 The tires on that truck are too big.
2. I can't drink another beer.
3. Duct tape won't hold it together.
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Old 02-23-2018, 04:49 PM   #806
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AB
Three things you'll never hear a redneck say:

1 The tires on that truck are too big.
2. I can't drink another beer.
3. Duct tape won't hold it together.

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Old 02-26-2018, 05:55 PM   #807
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A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, “Not guilty.”

The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”
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Old 03-15-2018, 05:44 PM   #808
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha**! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
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Old 03-15-2018, 08:49 PM   #809
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A prosecutor asks a defendant where he was on the night of February 30, when the theft he's charged for took place. The defendant replies that there is no February 30.

"Oh," says the prosecutor, "did you steal that as well?"
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Old 03-16-2018, 05:08 PM   #810
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How do cats get over a fight?

They Hiss and make up.
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