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Old 01-18-2017, 11:45 AM   #751
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yes you did & you were right. That's AWFUL!!!
Give me time and I can think of one that's even worse!
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Old 01-23-2017, 12:56 PM   #752
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"By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me"
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Old 01-23-2017, 03:49 PM   #753
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"By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me"
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Old 02-26-2017, 09:24 PM   #754
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Old 03-19-2017, 02:41 AM   #755
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a man was having dinner in a restaurant. An attractive young woman was seated at the table next to him, he glanced at her, she glanced back and they smiled at each other. Just then she sneezed and her glass eye popped out and landed at his feet. He picked it up, stood up, walked over and handed it to her. She thanked him, put it back in then looked up at him and smiled. She said to him "Once again thank you. That was embarrassing!" He said "It's ok, don't be embarrassed." She then said "As a thank you, would you like to have dinner together? I think you're very handsome, you caught my eye."
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Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 03-19-2017, 11:09 AM   #756
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What's round at both ends and tall in the middle? O-HI-O! Sorry, it's Sunday morning . . .
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Old 03-20-2017, 02:17 AM   #757
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an elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, it was properly shaped for swimming so he fixed it up by putting some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, peach and apple trees around it. One evening he decided to go down to look it over since he hadn't been there in a while. Before he left, he grabbed a five gallon bucket to get some fruit. As he got closer he heard some giggling, laughing and talking. He got closer and saw it was a group of young girls skinny-dipping. He walked over and they became aware of his presence and swam to the deep end. One of them shouted "We're not getting out until you leave!" The old man said "I didn't come here to make you get out of the pond naked or stop swimming." He held up the bucket. "I came down here to feed the alligator!"

Some old men can still think fast!
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Old 03-22-2017, 08:25 PM   #758
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What do you call Mr. Bunker when he's being stuck-up and stiff? Starchy Archie.
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Old 03-23-2017, 10:15 PM   #759
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A man was walking down a pier and saw a fisherman catching loads of fish. He asked him what he used as bait and the fisherman said he was a doctor and used extracted organs from surgery.

The man returned to the pier the next day and saw another fisherman catching loads of fish. That fisherman was also a doctor.

On the 3rd day, the man saw a fisherman with huge catches of fish, more than the other two men had. He asked him, "Doctor, what are you using as bait?" and the fisherman answered, "I'm not a doctor, I'm a rabbi."
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Old 03-23-2017, 11:53 PM   #760
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What do you call a cat that travels in a straight path? A bee-line feline.
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Old 05-22-2017, 12:00 PM   #761
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A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!"
The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
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Old 05-28-2017, 08:17 PM   #762
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Why isn't a hand twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
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Old 08-07-2017, 08:35 PM   #763
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MERGER TIPS FOR 2017: For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2017:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
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Old 08-07-2017, 10:56 PM   #764
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termite walks into a bar and says "Hey where's the bar tender?"
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Old 08-07-2017, 11:14 PM   #765
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Default How do you keep a fish from smelling?

Cut off its nose.
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