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Old 04-04-2016, 10:15 AM   #721
Steve M.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny Lane
I don't get the first joke.
The second joke answer is that Mormon's don't drink.

The first joke is simple. What is the letter "C" doing in the word "indict" when it's pronounced "in-DITE?"
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Old 04-04-2016, 12:36 PM   #722
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve M.
The first joke is simple. What is the letter "C" doing in the word "indict" when it's pronounced "in-DITE?"


So why is that a joke? A lot of English words have "silent" letters.
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Old 04-04-2016, 02:15 PM   #723
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny Lane
So why is that a joke? A lot of English words have "silent" letters.

Dennis Miller once joked on "Saturday Night Live" about why there's a letter C in "yacht."
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Old 04-04-2016, 03:38 PM   #724
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve M.
The first joke is simple. What is the letter "C" doing in the word "indict" when it's pronounced "in-DITE?"


Probably because the two words have different meanings:

Indite- To write, compose...to dictate
Indict- To accuse of a crime or other offense; charge
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Old 04-21-2016, 06:41 AM   #725
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Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
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Old 04-21-2016, 06:42 AM   #726
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What is the color of the wind?

Blew.
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Old 04-21-2016, 06:43 AM   #727
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Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
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Old 04-21-2016, 01:20 PM   #728
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A man goes to his psychiatrist and says he feels like a fifth of the man he should be. The psychiatrist replies, "Your problem is that you're two-tenths."
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Old 05-03-2016, 09:21 PM   #729
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NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND...
You cannot read these without laughing.
They're real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.
Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday..
She had the ****s. (BEST ONE)

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found itmonday. We thought it was sunday.

17.. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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Old 05-03-2016, 09:59 PM   #730
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A man goes to his psychiatrist and says to him, "Doctor, sometimes I think I'm a tepee and sometimes I think I'm a wigwam." The psychiatrist say to him, "Your problem is that you're two tents."

Last edited by Steve M. : 05-05-2016 at 10:43 AM.
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Old 05-04-2016, 09:58 PM   #731
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny Lane
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND...
You cannot read these without laughing.
They're real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.
Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday..
She had the ****s. (BEST ONE)

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found itmonday. We thought it was sunday.

17.. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


I don't know which is scarier...
That these people are PARENTS
or
That they VOTE!!!!
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Old 05-05-2016, 03:07 AM   #732
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A man goes into a doctors office with a frog sticking out of his mouth. The frog says "Hey doc, can you get this guy off my ass?"
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Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 05-05-2016, 10:43 AM   #733
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A man goes to his psychiatrist and says to him, "Doctor, sometimes I think I'm present-perfect and sometimes I think I'm past-perfect." The psychiatrist say to him, "Your problem is that you're two tenses."
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Old 05-13-2016, 01:50 AM   #734
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A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."
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Old 05-13-2016, 02:01 AM   #735
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I don't get it
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