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Old 03-06-2016, 12:51 AM   #706
treky
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I've heard that but I heard it this way:

a little boy dressed as a pirater for Haloween once. The first house he went to he rang the doorbell. A lady opened the door and said "Oh, a little pirate! But where are your buccaneers?"
The boy said "RIGHT UNDER MY BUCCIN HAT!"
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Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 03-06-2016, 10:50 AM   #707
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I heard about a mobster whom the federal government is trying to indict. Here's something I don't get - what's the letter "C" doing in the word "indict?"

Another joke: Two Mormons walk into a bar. That's it.
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Old 03-06-2016, 02:05 PM   #708
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Reason why I can't relax:
I stress about stress before there's even stress to stress about.
Then I stress about stressing over stress,
that doesn't need to be stressed about.
I just find it all to be so stressful!!!!!
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Old 03-06-2016, 02:11 PM   #709
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Funny Puns and One-Liners


Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Without geometry, life is pointless.
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:37 PM   #710
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foggy
Funny Puns and One-Liners


Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

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Old 03-07-2016, 02:09 AM   #711
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the little acorn grew and grew, then one day it said "GEOMATRY!"


a baby chick walked over to his nest one day and there was an orange in it. He sid "HEY! LOOK AT THE ORANGE MARMALADE!"
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Old 03-12-2016, 08:49 PM   #712
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"Doctor, I think I'm crazy. I like boots better than shoes."
"That's perfectly normal. I myself like boots better than shoes."
"Really? How do you like them - fried, boiled, or roasted I like I do?"

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Old 03-25-2016, 03:38 PM   #713
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Old 04-01-2016, 02:35 PM   #714
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You're Not a Kid Anymore When


You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.

The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

You're proud of your lawnmower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

Your car has four doors.

You routinely check the oil in your car.

You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style TWICE.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."

You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.

You write thank you notes without being told.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

- according to Jeff Foxworthy
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Old 04-03-2016, 02:49 PM   #715
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Back some years ago, a woman had awakened after giving birth in a hospital. The doctor came in and said, “Your baby is normal in every way with one odd exception”. “What’s that, the woman asked nervously?” The doctor replied, “Your son has a solid gold screw in his navel. We have no idea why and because he seems perfectly healthy we see no reason to remove it.”

Well, the boy grew up healthy and happy and although he sometimes felt awkward when people stared at him he didn’t let it affect his life. In fact, he was extraordinarily smart and successful, and eventually became a very wealthy man. He sold his businesses and retired young, and began to travel the world. Eventually the gold screw in his navel began to bother him more and more. It didn’t hurt and didn’t really affect his life, but now that he could afford anything he began to seek out renowned doctors around the world to see if they could remove it. Time after time he was turned down.

He began to get desperate, seeking out less savory characters. One of those characters was a mysterious Middle Eastern fortune teller. She sat in a dark room with him and communed with the unknown, seemingly in a trance. When she came to, she told him that she and only she had the answer. She told him to travel to Egypt. On the night of the full moon closest to the vernal equinox he was to find the spot equidistant to the three great pyramids. He was to wait until midnight, remove all his clothing, and lie down with his head facing north. Then and only then, can he rid himself of the gold screw in his navel.

As crazy as it sounded, he had nothing to lose and certainly the money to travel there was no problem. On the night of the full moon closest to the vernal equinox, he found the appointed spot between the pyramids. At 11:55 he removed his clothing and laid down as she had instructed. At precisely midnight, clouds began to form in what was previously a cloudless sky. Then the wind began to blow. Suddenly he saw lightning and heard thunder, but no rain fell. In what were now the dense clouds directly above him, he saw an object descend from the clouds. At first he couldn’t make out what it was but as it descended faster and faster he realized that it was a gold screwdriver. He was now scared to death that it would impale him but as it got closer and closer it began to slow down. And as it reached him, sure enough the gold screwdriver fit right into the gold screw in his navel. It turned and turned and he could not believe it but the screw lifted right out of his navel. As soon as the screw was completely out of his navel a sudden whoosh and the screwdriver and screw ascended to the heavens, only to disappear in the clouds. He laid there for a few moments, as the shock wore off, and then realized what happened. He looked down at his navel, and seeing the screw finally gone he leaped to his feet. “I’m free! I’m free!” he shouted.

Then his ass fell off.
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Old 04-03-2016, 04:53 PM   #716
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What is purple and swims in the ocean? Moby Grape.
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Old 04-04-2016, 01:13 AM   #717
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve M.
I heard about a mobster whom the federal government is trying to indict. Here's something I don't get - what's the letter "C" doing in the word "indict?"

Another joke: Two Mormons walk into a bar. That's it.
I don't get them
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Old 04-04-2016, 06:59 AM   #718
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treky
I don't get them

I don't get the first joke.
The second joke answer is that Mormon's don't drink.
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Old 04-04-2016, 10:15 AM   #719
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny Lane
I don't get the first joke.
The second joke answer is that Mormon's don't drink.

The first joke is simple. What is the letter "C" doing in the word "indict" when it's pronounced "in-DITE?"
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Old 04-04-2016, 12:36 PM   #720
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve M.
The first joke is simple. What is the letter "C" doing in the word "indict" when it's pronounced "in-DITE?"


So why is that a joke? A lot of English words have "silent" letters.
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