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Old 10-15-2015, 04:23 PM   #676
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Grammar Puns Story

A consonant walks into a bar and sits down next to a vowelly girl. "Hi!" he says. "I'll alphabet that you've never been here before."

"Of cursive I have," she replies. "I come here, like, all the time. For me, it's parse for the course."

The consonant remains stationery, enveloped by the vowelly girl's letter-perfect charm. "Here's a cute joke," he states declaratively. "Up at the North Pole, St. Nicholas is the main Clause. His wife is a relative Clause. His children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause. And Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses. As a group, they're all renoun Clauses."

Then he lays on some more dashes of humor: "Have you heard about the fellow who had half his digestive tract removed?
He walked around with a semi-colon."

"Are you like prepositioning me?" asks the vowelly girl.

"I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition. Your beauty phrase my nerves. Won't you come up to my place for a coordinating conjunction?"

"I don't want to be diacritical of you, but you're like, such a boldfaced character!" replies the vowelly girl. "Like do I have to spell it out to you, or are you just plain comma-tose? You're not my type, so get off my case!"

Despite his past perfect, he is, at present, tense.

"Puhleeze, gag me with a spoonerism!" she objects. "As my grammar and other correlatives used to say, your mind is in the guttural. I resent your umlautish behavior. You should know what the wages of syntax are. I nominative absolutely decline to conjugate with you fer sure!"

"You get high quotation marks for that one," he smiles, "even if I think you're being rather subjunctive and moody about all this. I so admire your figure of speech that I would like to predicate my life on yours." So he gets himself into an indicative mood and says, "It would be appreciated by me if you would be married to me."

"Are you being passive aggressive?" she asks interrogatively.

"No, I'm speaking in the active voice. Please don't have a vowel movement about this. I simile want to say to you, 'Metaphors be with you!' I would never want to change you and become a misplaced modifier. It's imperative that you understand that I'm very, very font of you and want us to spend infinitive together."

"That's quite a complement," she blushes -- and gives him appositive response.

At the ceremonies they exchange wedding vowels about the compound subject of marriage. Finally, they say, "I do," which is actually the longest and most complex of sentences -- a run-on sentence, actually -- one that we all hope won't turn out to be a sentence fragment.

Then the minister diagrams that sentence and says, "I now pronouns you consonant and vowel." They kiss each other on the ellipsis and whisper to each other, "I love you, noun forever."

Throughout their marriage, their structure is perfectly parallel and their verbs never disagree with their subjects. After many a linking verve, comma splice and interjection, they conceive the perfect parent thesis. Then come some missing periods and powerful contractions, and into the world is born their beautiful little boy.
They know it is a boy because of its dangling participle.

(By Richard Lederer)
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Old 10-15-2015, 04:40 PM   #677
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Trids


There were these little people called the Trids, and they lived up at the top of a mountain in South America. One day a Rabbi went to help out the Trids.

Once he got there, a giant came out of his cave and started kicking the Trids around.

The Rabbi had hid once the giant appeared, but when it went back into its cave, the Rabbi came back out and asked some of the Trids why the giant had not come after him.

One of the Trids said, "Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids!!"
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Old 10-16-2015, 10:40 AM   #678
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In the year 2015, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My homeowners association claim that I've violated the Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work. The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."
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Old 10-16-2015, 06:10 PM   #679
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REDNECK HMO

You know that you've joined a redneck HMO if:

* The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's.

* Directions to the doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

* The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

* The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

* The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

* Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

* Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day."

* Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

* The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

Received from Debbie Fox.
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Old 10-16-2015, 06:15 PM   #680
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There was once a small rural community--so small, in fact, that the only church in town was a small Baptist church whose pastor had to double up as the local barber to make ends meet.

A man living in this small community had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and said to himself, "I make enough money now that I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.

He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on shut-ins. The barber's wife, Grace, said, "I usually do the shaves anyway. Sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.

She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"Twenty-five dollars," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he might have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.

The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought. Well, it was a $25 shave.

The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. It amazed him, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.

Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.

This particular day, the pastor was in, and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.

The kind old pastor gently explained, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace, and once shaved, always shaved."
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Old 10-16-2015, 06:37 PM   #681
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Words are tools of communication. Unfortunately, words often have different meanings for different people. Here are some examples.....

It is in process - So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

We will look into it - By the time the wheel makes a full turn we assume you will have forgotten it, too.

A program -Any assignment that can't be completed by one telephone call.

Expedite - To confound confusion with commotion.

Channels - The trail left by interoffice memos.

Coordinator -The guy who has a desk between two expediters.

Consultant (or Expert) - Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home.

To activate - To make copies and add more names to the memo.

To implement a program - Hire more people and expand the office.

Under consideration - Never heard of it.

Under active consideration - We're looking in the files for it.

In the earliest stage of finalization - Haven't started it yet.

A meeting - A mass mulling by master minds.

A conference - A place where conversation is substituted by the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought.

To negotiate - To seek a meeting of the minds without knocking together of heads.

Re-orientation - Getting used to work again.

Reliable source - The guy you just met.

Informed source - The guy who told the guy you just met.

Unimpeachable source - The guy who started the rumor originally.

A clarification - To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

We are making a survey - We need more time to think of an answer.

Note and Initial - Let's spread the responsibility for this.

Let's get together on this - I'm assuming you are as confused as I am.

See me, or Let's discuss - ]Come down to my office. I'm lonesome.

Give us the benefit of your present thinking - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already decided to do.

We will advise you in due course - ]If we figure it out, we'll let you know.

To give someone the picture - A long confused and inaccurate statement to a newcomer.
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Old 10-16-2015, 06:40 PM   #682
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The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.:

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

Last edited by Foggy : 10-16-2015 at 06:41 PM. Reason: remove signature
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Old 10-17-2015, 12:20 AM   #683
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foggy
There was once a small rural community--so small, in fact, that the only church in town was a small Baptist church whose pastor had to double up as the local barber to make ends meet.

A man living in this small community had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and said to himself, "I make enough money now that I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.

He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on shut-ins. The barber's wife, Grace, said, "I usually do the shaves anyway. Sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.

She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"Twenty-five dollars," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he might have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.

The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought. Well, it was a $25 shave.

The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. It amazed him, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.

Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.

This particular day, the pastor was in, and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.

The kind old pastor gently explained, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace, and once shaved, always shaved."
I don't get it
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 10-17-2015, 05:35 AM   #684
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treky
I don't get it

A play on words.A religious term used by some Christians."Saved by grace, once saved always saved"
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Old 10-17-2015, 10:58 AM   #685
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Prodigal Son Story Using Modern Day "F" Words


Rev. W. O. Taylor, 91, was the oldest man attending the Southern Baptist Convention a few years ago. At the annual free breakfast for retirees, Brother Taylor rose and recited his own alliterative version of the parable of the prodigal son, which he entitled "The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive":

"Feeling footloose, fancy-free, and frisky, this feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments.

"'Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier,' the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.

"Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family.

"Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. 'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors. . .'

"But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.

"But the fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile.

"His foresighted father figured, 'Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic, and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude.'"

taken from _More Holy Humor_ by Cal and Rose Samra

Copyright (c) 1997 by the Fellowship of Merry Christians, Inc.
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Old 10-28-2015, 02:04 PM   #686
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What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steam roller?

"Curses! Foil again!"
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Old 10-28-2015, 06:02 PM   #687
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny Lane
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steam roller?

"Curses! Foil again!"

And what did the Scarecrow think of that? Nothing, he doesn't have a brain.
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Old 10-29-2015, 04:37 PM   #688
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T-Shirt Slogans


"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now."

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

"Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."
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Old 10-29-2015, 04:55 PM   #689
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Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use some or all my program without charge.

Beating around the bush

Jumping to conclusions

Climbing the walls

Swallowing my pride

Passing the buck

Throwing my weight around

Dragging my heels

Pushing my luck

Making mountains out of molehills

Hitting the nail on the head

Wading through paperwork

Bending over backwards

Jumping on the bandwagon

Balancing the books

Running around in circles

Tooting my own horn

Climbing the ladder of success

Pulling out the stops

Adding fuel to the fire

Opening a can of worms

Starting the ball rolling

Going over the edge

Picking up the pieces

Putting my foot in my mouth

Eating crow


Whew!
I'm exhausted!
What a workout!
I think I'll exercise my caution now,
and just sit down.
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Old 11-03-2015, 07:27 AM   #690
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Three Things to Ponder

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments



Cows:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington?
And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

The Constitution:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

The Ten Commandments:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal,"
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie"
in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment.
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