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Old 10-09-2015, 10:10 AM   #661
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On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow.
He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving.
I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."

After a long pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
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Old 10-09-2015, 10:18 AM   #662
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Punny Reading


"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum

"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily

"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic

"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit (illustrated by Betty Wont)

"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns

"How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich

"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff

"How to Save Time" by Terry A. While

"How to Write Small Books" by Warren Peace

"The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff

"The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow

"Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep

"Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty

"Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel

"School Truancy" by Marcus Absent

"The Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate

"I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

"Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung

"Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago

"Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud

"The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter

"Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples

"Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath

"Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch

"Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First

"Living in Peace" by Al Kyda
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Old 10-09-2015, 10:29 AM   #663
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Old wise sayings

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before.
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Old 10-09-2015, 05:29 PM   #664
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Another book title - "The Arctic Ocean" by I.C. Waters
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My blogs:

Miscellaneous Musings

Pictures of Beautiful Women

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE:

REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS CHRIS CHRISTIE - SCOTT WALKER - RICK SNYDER - JOHN KASICH - RICK SCOTT - PAUL LEPAGE

ON THE CHARGE OF IMPERSONATING AN OFFICE!!
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Old 10-11-2015, 07:20 PM   #665
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The Obstetrician's Wife


At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"
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Old 10-11-2015, 07:35 PM   #666
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Company Slogans


A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES?"

Joe answered the correct airline, 'United."

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty, "American Express."

"Now John, tell me which company bears the slogan, JUST DO IT?"

And John answered without hesitation, "Mom's."
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Old 10-11-2015, 07:48 PM   #667
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TRUE STORY - CARJACKING FOILED

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found four white males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: so get out of my car.

The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked 4 or 5 spaces farther down. So,she loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman;

no charges were filed.
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:15 AM   #668
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If Santa Claus had a father, do you think there must have been a Grandfather Claus?

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
(Aesop, 620 BC - 560 BC)

I always prayed before my trigonometry tests.
I was hoping for a sine from above.


Why do crazy people always jump off the tops of buildings to see if they can fly? Wouldn't it be safer to try to fly UP to the top?


Q: What's the difference between a church bell and a politician?
A: A church bell peals from the steeple.


Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

"Nothing raises a golf score like witnesses."


Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. Something is very wrong when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree.

I'm trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable.

It's amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner.

Overheard on the Pediatrics floor: "Are you medical or surgical?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Were you sick when you came in here, or did they make you sick when you got here?"

I used to try a lot of different sports when I was a kid, without ever excelling in any particular one. Then I got older and realized you can *buy* trophies. Now I'm good at everything.
(Demetri Martin)

Today's car: designed by computer, built by robot, driven by moron.

Billboard for a safe company: "If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:21 AM   #669
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All I Need to Learn about Life...
I learned from the EASTER BUNNY!:



Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.

Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.

The grass is always greener in someone else's Easter basket.

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
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Old 10-12-2015, 12:27 PM   #670
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oh, hah!
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How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:25 PM   #671
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The Boss asked one worker, "What time did you get back from lunch?"

The employee said, "About a quarter of twelve."

The Boss said, "I saw you coming in at 3 o'clock."

"Well," responded the worker, "Three is a quarter of twelve, isn't it?"
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:26 PM   #672
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We were driving the other day and passed a business that was obviously having troubles beyond money. Their outdoor sign in front of the building read:

$T0P $T3AL1NG 0UR L3TT3R$!
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:39 PM   #673
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A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car. He looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one, but he sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk.
So in desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable-looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He then goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer, again meets him at the door, carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says shaking his head,
"Well, OK, I guess you can come in --- just don't start anything."
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Old 10-13-2015, 04:03 PM   #674
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Husband: "I have two tickets to the premiere of a new musical. My co-worker gave them to me."

Wife: "Wonderful! I'll start getting dressed right away."

Husband: "That's an excellent idea. The tickets are for tomorrow night."
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Old 10-15-2015, 04:09 PM   #675
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More To Think About!


1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.

6. This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!

7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!

8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.

9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

10. Take my advice. I'm not using it!

11. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

12. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

13. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

14. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
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