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Old 10-12-2015, 10:21 AM   #661
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All I Need to Learn about Life...
I learned from the EASTER BUNNY!:



Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.

Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.

The grass is always greener in someone else's Easter basket.

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
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Old 10-12-2015, 12:27 PM   #662
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oh, hah!
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:25 PM   #663
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The Boss asked one worker, "What time did you get back from lunch?"

The employee said, "About a quarter of twelve."

The Boss said, "I saw you coming in at 3 o'clock."

"Well," responded the worker, "Three is a quarter of twelve, isn't it?"
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:26 PM   #664
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We were driving the other day and passed a business that was obviously having troubles beyond money. Their outdoor sign in front of the building read:

$T0P $T3AL1NG 0UR L3TT3R$!
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:39 PM   #665
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A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car. He looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one, but he sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk.
So in desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable-looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He then goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer, again meets him at the door, carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says shaking his head,
"Well, OK, I guess you can come in --- just don't start anything."
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Old 10-13-2015, 04:03 PM   #666
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Husband: "I have two tickets to the premiere of a new musical. My co-worker gave them to me."

Wife: "Wonderful! I'll start getting dressed right away."

Husband: "That's an excellent idea. The tickets are for tomorrow night."
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Old 10-15-2015, 04:09 PM   #667
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More To Think About!


1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.

6. This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!

7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!

8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.

9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

10. Take my advice. I'm not using it!

11. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

12. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

13. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

14. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
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Old 10-15-2015, 04:23 PM   #668
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Grammar Puns Story

A consonant walks into a bar and sits down next to a vowelly girl. "Hi!" he says. "I'll alphabet that you've never been here before."

"Of cursive I have," she replies. "I come here, like, all the time. For me, it's parse for the course."

The consonant remains stationery, enveloped by the vowelly girl's letter-perfect charm. "Here's a cute joke," he states declaratively. "Up at the North Pole, St. Nicholas is the main Clause. His wife is a relative Clause. His children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause. And Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses. As a group, they're all renoun Clauses."

Then he lays on some more dashes of humor: "Have you heard about the fellow who had half his digestive tract removed?
He walked around with a semi-colon."

"Are you like prepositioning me?" asks the vowelly girl.

"I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition. Your beauty phrase my nerves. Won't you come up to my place for a coordinating conjunction?"

"I don't want to be diacritical of you, but you're like, such a boldfaced character!" replies the vowelly girl. "Like do I have to spell it out to you, or are you just plain comma-tose? You're not my type, so get off my case!"

Despite his past perfect, he is, at present, tense.

"Puhleeze, gag me with a spoonerism!" she objects. "As my grammar and other correlatives used to say, your mind is in the guttural. I resent your umlautish behavior. You should know what the wages of syntax are. I nominative absolutely decline to conjugate with you fer sure!"

"You get high quotation marks for that one," he smiles, "even if I think you're being rather subjunctive and moody about all this. I so admire your figure of speech that I would like to predicate my life on yours." So he gets himself into an indicative mood and says, "It would be appreciated by me if you would be married to me."

"Are you being passive aggressive?" she asks interrogatively.

"No, I'm speaking in the active voice. Please don't have a vowel movement about this. I simile want to say to you, 'Metaphors be with you!' I would never want to change you and become a misplaced modifier. It's imperative that you understand that I'm very, very font of you and want us to spend infinitive together."

"That's quite a complement," she blushes -- and gives him appositive response.

At the ceremonies they exchange wedding vowels about the compound subject of marriage. Finally, they say, "I do," which is actually the longest and most complex of sentences -- a run-on sentence, actually -- one that we all hope won't turn out to be a sentence fragment.

Then the minister diagrams that sentence and says, "I now pronouns you consonant and vowel." They kiss each other on the ellipsis and whisper to each other, "I love you, noun forever."

Throughout their marriage, their structure is perfectly parallel and their verbs never disagree with their subjects. After many a linking verve, comma splice and interjection, they conceive the perfect parent thesis. Then come some missing periods and powerful contractions, and into the world is born their beautiful little boy.
They know it is a boy because of its dangling participle.

(By Richard Lederer)
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Old 10-15-2015, 04:40 PM   #669
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Trids


There were these little people called the Trids, and they lived up at the top of a mountain in South America. One day a Rabbi went to help out the Trids.

Once he got there, a giant came out of his cave and started kicking the Trids around.

The Rabbi had hid once the giant appeared, but when it went back into its cave, the Rabbi came back out and asked some of the Trids why the giant had not come after him.

One of the Trids said, "Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids!!"
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Old 10-16-2015, 10:40 AM   #670
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In the year 2015, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My homeowners association claim that I've violated the Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work. The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."
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Old 10-16-2015, 06:10 PM   #671
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REDNECK HMO

You know that you've joined a redneck HMO if:

* The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's.

* Directions to the doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

* The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

* The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

* The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

* Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

* Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day."

* Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

* The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

Received from Debbie Fox.
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Old 10-16-2015, 06:15 PM   #672
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There was once a small rural community--so small, in fact, that the only church in town was a small Baptist church whose pastor had to double up as the local barber to make ends meet.

A man living in this small community had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and said to himself, "I make enough money now that I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.

He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on shut-ins. The barber's wife, Grace, said, "I usually do the shaves anyway. Sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.

She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"Twenty-five dollars," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he might have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.

The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought. Well, it was a $25 shave.

The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. It amazed him, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.

Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.

This particular day, the pastor was in, and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.

The kind old pastor gently explained, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace, and once shaved, always shaved."
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Old 10-16-2015, 06:37 PM   #673
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Words are tools of communication. Unfortunately, words often have different meanings for different people. Here are some examples.....

It is in process - So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

We will look into it - By the time the wheel makes a full turn we assume you will have forgotten it, too.

A program -Any assignment that can't be completed by one telephone call.

Expedite - To confound confusion with commotion.

Channels - The trail left by interoffice memos.

Coordinator -The guy who has a desk between two expediters.

Consultant (or Expert) - Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home.

To activate - To make copies and add more names to the memo.

To implement a program - Hire more people and expand the office.

Under consideration - Never heard of it.

Under active consideration - We're looking in the files for it.

In the earliest stage of finalization - Haven't started it yet.

A meeting - A mass mulling by master minds.

A conference - A place where conversation is substituted by the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought.

To negotiate - To seek a meeting of the minds without knocking together of heads.

Re-orientation - Getting used to work again.

Reliable source - The guy you just met.

Informed source - The guy who told the guy you just met.

Unimpeachable source - The guy who started the rumor originally.

A clarification - To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

We are making a survey - We need more time to think of an answer.

Note and Initial - Let's spread the responsibility for this.

Let's get together on this - I'm assuming you are as confused as I am.

See me, or Let's discuss - ]Come down to my office. I'm lonesome.

Give us the benefit of your present thinking - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already decided to do.

We will advise you in due course - ]If we figure it out, we'll let you know.

To give someone the picture - A long confused and inaccurate statement to a newcomer.
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Old 10-16-2015, 06:40 PM   #674
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The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.:

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

Last edited by Foggy; 10-16-2015 at 06:41 PM. Reason: remove signature
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Old 10-17-2015, 12:20 AM   #675
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foggy
There was once a small rural community--so small, in fact, that the only church in town was a small Baptist church whose pastor had to double up as the local barber to make ends meet.

A man living in this small community had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and said to himself, "I make enough money now that I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.

He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on shut-ins. The barber's wife, Grace, said, "I usually do the shaves anyway. Sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.

She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"Twenty-five dollars," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he might have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.

The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought. Well, it was a $25 shave.

The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. It amazed him, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.

Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.

This particular day, the pastor was in, and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.

The kind old pastor gently explained, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace, and once shaved, always shaved."
I don't get it
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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