Sitcoms Online - Main Page / Message Boards - Main Page / News Blog / Photo Galleries / DVD Reviews / Buy TV Shows on DVD and Blu-ray

View Today's Active Threads / View New Posts / Mark All Boards Read / Chit Chat Board

Games / Movies / Music / Sports / Random Posts / Politics


Sitcoms Online Message Boards - Forums  

Go Back   Sitcoms Online Message Boards - Forums > Chit Chat

Notices

SitcomsOnline.com News Blog Headlines Twitter Facebook Instagram RSS

NBC Fall Pilot Review: I Feel Bad - Premieres Wednesday (Sept. 19); 70th Annual Primetime Emmy Award Winners
Married with Children Now on WGN America; black-ish Enters National Syndication and Free Sneakers Contest
Sitcom Stars on Talk Shows; This Week in Sitcoms (Week of September 17, 2018)
SitcomsOnline Digest: ABC Orders Script for Designing Women Reboot; James Marsden and Ed Asner Cast in Netflix Series
Fri-Yay: A Look at the Upcoming Sitcom Slate; TV Guide's 1st Annual 100 Best Shows List
Dancing with the Stars Season 27 Cast Has Sitcom Stars; The Young Sheldon STEM Initiative
Critics' Choice Awards Set for January on The CW; IFC Sets New Episodes for Documentary Now!
NBC Orders More Brooklyn Nine-Nine; Disney Gets Another Multi-Cam Sitcom


New on DVD/Blu-ray (August/September)

The Big Bang Theory - The Complete Eleventh Season The Middle - The Complete Ninth Season Modern Family - The Complete Ninth Season Step by Step - The Complete Second Season Perfect Strangers - The Complete Fifth Season

08/07 - Happy Endings - The Complete Series (Blu-ray)
08/15 - A.P. Bio - Season One
08/28 - Brooklyn Nine-Nine - Season Five
08/28 - Man Seeking Woman - The Complete Third Season
09/04 - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - The Complete Season 12
09/04 - Mom - The Complete Fifth Season
09/04 - Silicon Valley - The Complete Fifth Season
09/04 - Superstore - Season Three
09/04 - Young Sheldon - The Complete First Season
09/11 - The Big Bang Theory - The Complete Eleventh Season (Blu-ray)
09/11 - The Middle - The Complete Ninth Season
09/11 - Modern Family - The Complete Ninth Season
09/11 - People of Earth - The Complete Second Season
09/18 - Community - The Complete Series (Blu-ray)
09/18 - Step by Step - The Complete Second Season
09/18 - You're the Worst - The Complete Fourth Season
09/25 - Blondie - The Complete 1957 Television Series
09/25 - Perfect Strangers - The Complete Fifth Season
More TV DVD Releases / DVD Reviews Archive / SitcomsOnline Digest


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 10-03-2015, 01:00 AM   #646
treky
star trek fan
Forum Veteran
 
treky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 25, 2002
Location: Conshohocken, pennsylvania
Posts: 12,834
Default

the chicken walked over to his nest and saw an orange in it. "Hey everyone!" he said "Look at the orange marmalaide!"
__________________
the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
treky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-2015, 01:05 AM   #647
treky
star trek fan
Forum Veteran
 
treky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 25, 2002
Location: Conshohocken, pennsylvania
Posts: 12,834
Default

a woman was staying overnight at a friends house. When it came time for her to go to bed the host asked her "Do you mind making your bed?" The woman replied "Sure!" The host said "OK, fine. Here's a hammer and some nails, you'll find the wood in the room. Try & keep the noise down. Good night!"
treky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-2015, 12:23 PM   #648
Steve M.
Holding the compass
Forum Celebrity
 
Steve M.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 07, 2003
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 29,691
Default

My clothes are made of a fabric that simply laugh at the laundry. Some of them came back from the launderette with their sides split!
__________________
My blogs:

Miscellaneous Musings

Pictures of Beautiful Women

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE:

REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS SCOTT WALKER - RICK SNYDER - JOHN KASICH - RICK SCOTT - PAUL LePAGE

ON THE CHARGE OF IMPERSONATING AN OFFICE!!
Steve M. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2015, 08:56 AM   #649
Foggy
Member
Senior Member
 
Foggy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 20, 2014
Location: Zanesville Ohio
Posts: 1,071
Default

Physical Examination



The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.

"The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women."

"Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. "What's next best?"
Foggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2015, 09:09 AM   #650
Foggy
Member
Senior Member
 
Foggy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 20, 2014
Location: Zanesville Ohio
Posts: 1,071
Default

Newspaper Headline Chuckles



- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Needy

- Arson Suspect Is Held in Massachusetts Fire

- British Union Finds Dwarves in Short Supply

- Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Foggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2015, 09:22 AM   #651
Steve M.
Holding the compass
Forum Celebrity
 
Steve M.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 07, 2003
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 29,691
Default

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…

1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
Steve M. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2015, 10:02 AM   #652
Foggy
Member
Senior Member
 
Foggy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 20, 2014
Location: Zanesville Ohio
Posts: 1,071
Default

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says,"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.
Foggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2015, 10:10 AM   #653
Foggy
Member
Senior Member
 
Foggy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 20, 2014
Location: Zanesville Ohio
Posts: 1,071
Default

On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow.
He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving.
I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."

After a long pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
Foggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2015, 10:18 AM   #654
Foggy
Member
Senior Member
 
Foggy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 20, 2014
Location: Zanesville Ohio
Posts: 1,071
Default

Punny Reading


"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum

"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily

"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic

"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit (illustrated by Betty Wont)

"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns

"How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich

"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff

"How to Save Time" by Terry A. While

"How to Write Small Books" by Warren Peace

"The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff

"The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow

"Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep

"Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty

"Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel

"School Truancy" by Marcus Absent

"The Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate

"I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

"Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung

"Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago

"Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud

"The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter

"Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples

"Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath

"Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch

"Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First

"Living in Peace" by Al Kyda
Foggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2015, 10:29 AM   #655
Foggy
Member
Senior Member
 
Foggy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 20, 2014
Location: Zanesville Ohio
Posts: 1,071
Default

Old wise sayings

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before.
Foggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2015, 05:29 PM   #656
Steve M.
Holding the compass
Forum Celebrity
 
Steve M.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 07, 2003
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 29,691
Default

Another book title - "The Arctic Ocean" by I.C. Waters
Steve M. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-11-2015, 07:20 PM   #657
Foggy
Member
Senior Member
 
Foggy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 20, 2014
Location: Zanesville Ohio
Posts: 1,071
Default

The Obstetrician's Wife


At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"
Foggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-11-2015, 07:35 PM   #658
Foggy
Member
Senior Member
 
Foggy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 20, 2014
Location: Zanesville Ohio
Posts: 1,071
Default

Company Slogans


A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES?"

Joe answered the correct airline, 'United."

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty, "American Express."

"Now John, tell me which company bears the slogan, JUST DO IT?"

And John answered without hesitation, "Mom's."
Foggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-11-2015, 07:48 PM   #659
Foggy
Member
Senior Member
 
Foggy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 20, 2014
Location: Zanesville Ohio
Posts: 1,071
Default

TRUE STORY - CARJACKING FOILED

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found four white males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: so get out of my car.

The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked 4 or 5 spaces farther down. So,she loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman;

no charges were filed.
Foggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-12-2015, 10:15 AM   #660
Foggy
Member
Senior Member
 
Foggy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 20, 2014
Location: Zanesville Ohio
Posts: 1,071
Default

If Santa Claus had a father, do you think there must have been a Grandfather Claus?

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
(Aesop, 620 BC - 560 BC)

I always prayed before my trigonometry tests.
I was hoping for a sine from above.


Why do crazy people always jump off the tops of buildings to see if they can fly? Wouldn't it be safer to try to fly UP to the top?


Q: What's the difference between a church bell and a politician?
A: A church bell peals from the steeple.


Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

"Nothing raises a golf score like witnesses."


Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. Something is very wrong when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree.

I'm trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable.

It's amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner.

Overheard on the Pediatrics floor: "Are you medical or surgical?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Were you sick when you came in here, or did they make you sick when you got here?"

I used to try a lot of different sports when I was a kid, without ever excelling in any particular one. Then I got older and realized you can *buy* trophies. Now I'm good at everything.
(Demetri Martin)

Today's car: designed by computer, built by robot, driven by moron.

Billboard for a safe company: "If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."
Foggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:32 PM.


Although the administrators and moderators of the Sitcoms Online Message Boards will attempt to keep all objectionable messages off this forum, it is impossible for us to review all messages. All messages express the views of the author, and neither the owners of the Sitcoms Online Message Boards, nor vBulletin Solutions Inc. (developers of vBulletin) will be held responsible for the content of any message. The owners of the Sitcoms Online Message Boards reserve the right to remove, edit, move or close any thread for any reason.

VigLink badge

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions Inc.