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Old 09-24-2015, 12:45 PM   #646
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Old 09-26-2015, 11:37 AM   #647
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A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body. When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”

There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door. “Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. “But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer.

“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.” “Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer. “Your client.” Came the reply.
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Old 09-27-2015, 12:36 AM   #648
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foggy
A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body. When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”

There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door. “Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. “But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer.

“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.” “Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer. “Your client.” Came the reply.
I don't get it
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Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 09-27-2015, 11:50 AM   #649
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treky
I don't get it

I'm sorry you didn't understand. Let's try to clear it up.


Quote:
Originally Posted by FOGGY
The lawyer said: “Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”

Everybody looked, except one "his client."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Foggy
“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.” “Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer. “Your client.” Came the reply.

The lawyer's "client" knew that she couldn't walk through the door, because he had "killed her."
Thus making him GUILTY.



You know that you have posted a "BAD JOKE", when you have to explain it.
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Old 10-02-2015, 08:22 PM   #650
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Hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room
immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to
jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a
maintenance matter."
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Old 10-02-2015, 08:33 PM   #651
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Customer: Off.
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Old 10-03-2015, 12:51 AM   #652
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foggy
I'm sorry you didn't understand. Let's try to clear it up.




Everybody looked, except one "his client."



The lawyer's "client" knew that she couldn't walk through the door, because he had "killed her."
Thus making him GUILTY.



You know that you have posted a "BAD JOKE", when you have to explain it.
OH OK NOW I get it!
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Old 10-03-2015, 12:56 AM   #653
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pilot to teenager: "Wanna fly?"
teenager: "SURE!"
pilot: "OK wait a minute, I'll catch one for you."
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Old 10-03-2015, 01:00 AM   #654
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the chicken walked over to his nest and saw an orange in it. "Hey everyone!" he said "Look at the orange marmalaide!"
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Old 10-03-2015, 01:05 AM   #655
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a woman was staying overnight at a friends house. When it came time for her to go to bed the host asked her "Do you mind making your bed?" The woman replied "Sure!" The host said "OK, fine. Here's a hammer and some nails, you'll find the wood in the room. Try & keep the noise down. Good night!"
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Old 10-03-2015, 12:23 PM   #656
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My clothes are made of a fabric that simply laugh at the laundry. Some of them came back from the launderette with their sides split!
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Old 10-09-2015, 08:56 AM   #657
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Physical Examination



The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.

"The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women."

"Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. "What's next best?"
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Old 10-09-2015, 09:09 AM   #658
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Newspaper Headline Chuckles



- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Needy

- Arson Suspect Is Held in Massachusetts Fire

- British Union Finds Dwarves in Short Supply

- Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
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Old 10-09-2015, 09:22 AM   #659
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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…

1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
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Old 10-09-2015, 10:02 AM   #660
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A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says,"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.
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