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Old 08-25-2015, 09:20 PM   #631
Steve M.
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There's only one M on an M&M.
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My blogs:

Miscellaneous Musings

Pictures of Beautiful Women

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE:

REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS CHRIS CHRISTIE - SCOTT WALKER - RICK SNYDER - JOHN KASICH - RICK SCOTT - PAUL LEPAGE

ON THE CHARGE OF IMPERSONATING AN OFFICE!!

Last edited by Steve M. : 08-28-2015 at 08:22 PM.
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Old 08-28-2015, 06:17 PM   #632
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Old 08-28-2015, 08:24 PM   #633
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Bill: "My wife's going to the West Indies."
Fred: "Jamaica?"
Bill" "No, it's entirely her idea."
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Old 08-29-2015, 02:08 AM   #634
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve M.
Bill: "My wife's going to the West Indies."
Fred: "Jamaica?"
Bill" "No, it's entirely her idea."


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Old 08-29-2015, 02:10 AM   #635
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny Lane
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That's cute!
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Old 09-19-2015, 12:24 AM   #636
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Hey I got a good one.
What do you call a nail that hangs?
A hang nail
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Old 09-19-2015, 04:01 AM   #637
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^lol.
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Old 09-19-2015, 12:18 PM   #638
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A woman is traveling on a train in California. She begins a conversation with her male seatmate.

"This is is my second trip to California." Are you from here?"

"Yes," the man says, "I'm from San Diego."

"Have you ever been to San JO-say?" she says, mispronouncing San Jose. "It's a beautiful city."

"Ma'am," the Californian says, "here we pronounce the Js as Hs. Now, when were you in San Jose last?"

The woman pauses for a moment, and says, "In Hune and Huly."

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Old 09-20-2015, 08:48 AM   #639
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What does a pirate say when he turns 80?
Aye Matey
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Old 09-20-2015, 05:02 PM   #640
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What does a nosy pepper do?
A:Gets jalapeno business
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Old 09-20-2015, 07:25 PM   #641
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WORD PLAY


1. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

2. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

3. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

4. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

5. A hole was found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking in to it.

6. A sign on the lawn of a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

7. A backward poet writes in-verse.

8. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

9. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

10. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects.
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Old 09-20-2015, 07:28 PM   #642
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A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later, he calls the desk and says, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, "Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."
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Old 09-20-2015, 07:32 PM   #643
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How to Get On in Life


"Tell me how to get on in life," said the kettle.

"Take panes," said the window.

"Never be led," said the pencil.

"Do a driving business," said the hammer.

"Aspire to great things," said the nutmeg grater.

"Make light of everything," said the fire.

"Make much of small things," said the microscope.

"Never do anything offhand," said the glove.

"Just reflect," said the mirror.

"Be sharp," said the knife.

"Find a good thing and stick to it," said the glue.

And that's why the kettle sings as she works, and works as she sings.
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Old 09-20-2015, 07:48 PM   #644
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Groaner: Chemistry Exam

The dean and the coach struck a simple deal. Despite his abysmal grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if and only if he could learn and remember the formula for water before then. The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the gridiron star and were confident that he'd come through with flying colors.

On the morning of the game, the dean came down to the locker room where the tackle was suiting up.

"Well?" said the dean. "What is the formula for water?"

Grinning broadly, and drawing confidence from the presence of his proud coach, the player said, "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O"

(Hint: H to O)
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Old 09-20-2015, 07:55 PM   #645
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Random thoughts as we age


The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators....... We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is salad!!!

And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me?
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