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Old 09-20-2015, 08:48 AM   #631
Michael cole
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What does a pirate say when he turns 80?
Aye Matey
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Old 09-20-2015, 05:02 PM   #632
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What does a nosy pepper do?
A:Gets jalapeno business
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Old 09-20-2015, 07:25 PM   #633
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WORD PLAY


1. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

2. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

3. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

4. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

5. A hole was found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking in to it.

6. A sign on the lawn of a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

7. A backward poet writes in-verse.

8. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

9. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

10. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects.
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Old 09-20-2015, 07:28 PM   #634
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A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later, he calls the desk and says, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, "Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."
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Old 09-20-2015, 07:32 PM   #635
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How to Get On in Life


"Tell me how to get on in life," said the kettle.

"Take panes," said the window.

"Never be led," said the pencil.

"Do a driving business," said the hammer.

"Aspire to great things," said the nutmeg grater.

"Make light of everything," said the fire.

"Make much of small things," said the microscope.

"Never do anything offhand," said the glove.

"Just reflect," said the mirror.

"Be sharp," said the knife.

"Find a good thing and stick to it," said the glue.

And that's why the kettle sings as she works, and works as she sings.
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Old 09-20-2015, 07:48 PM   #636
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Groaner: Chemistry Exam

The dean and the coach struck a simple deal. Despite his abysmal grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if and only if he could learn and remember the formula for water before then. The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the gridiron star and were confident that he'd come through with flying colors.

On the morning of the game, the dean came down to the locker room where the tackle was suiting up.

"Well?" said the dean. "What is the formula for water?"

Grinning broadly, and drawing confidence from the presence of his proud coach, the player said, "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O"

(Hint: H to O)
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Old 09-20-2015, 07:55 PM   #637
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Random thoughts as we age


The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators....... We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is salad!!!

And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me?
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Old 09-24-2015, 12:45 PM   #638
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Old 09-26-2015, 11:37 AM   #639
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A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body. When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”

There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door. “Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. “But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer.

“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.” “Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer. “Your client.” Came the reply.
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Old 09-27-2015, 12:36 AM   #640
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foggy
A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body. When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”

There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door. “Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. “But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer.

“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.” “Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer. “Your client.” Came the reply.
I don't get it
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Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 09-27-2015, 11:50 AM   #641
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treky
I don't get it
I'm sorry you didn't understand. Let's try to clear it up.


Quote:
Originally Posted by FOGGY
The lawyer said: “Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”
Everybody looked, except one "his client."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Foggy
“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.” “Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer. “Your client.” Came the reply.
The lawyer's "client" knew that she couldn't walk through the door, because he had "killed her."
Thus making him GUILTY.



You know that you have posted a "BAD JOKE", when you have to explain it.
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Old 10-02-2015, 08:22 PM   #642
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Hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room
immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to
jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a
maintenance matter."
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Old 10-02-2015, 08:33 PM   #643
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Barber: How would you like your hair cut?
Customer: Off.
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REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS SCOTT WALKER - RICK SNYDER - JOHN KASICH - RICK SCOTT - PAUL LePAGE

ON THE CHARGE OF IMPERSONATING AN OFFICE!!
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Old 10-03-2015, 12:51 AM   #644
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foggy
I'm sorry you didn't understand. Let's try to clear it up.




Everybody looked, except one "his client."



The lawyer's "client" knew that she couldn't walk through the door, because he had "killed her."
Thus making him GUILTY.



You know that you have posted a "BAD JOKE", when you have to explain it.
OH OK NOW I get it!
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Old 10-03-2015, 12:56 AM   #645
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pilot to teenager: "Wanna fly?"
teenager: "SURE!"
pilot: "OK wait a minute, I'll catch one for you."
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