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Old 09-03-2006, 01:15 PM   #46
Jenya
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Smart Duck!

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Old 09-03-2006, 01:17 PM   #47
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Don't feed the pigeons...


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Old 09-03-2006, 07:43 PM   #48
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenya
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Old 09-06-2006, 03:53 PM   #49
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Gravity-Defying Tequila

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an ******* when you're drunk, Superman."
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Old 09-06-2006, 08:49 PM   #50
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilhave
"You know you're a redneck when...


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.


2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.


3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.


4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.


5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.


6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.


7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.


8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.


9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.


10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.


11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.


12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.


13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.


14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.


15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.


16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.


17. You have a rag for a gas cap.


18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.


19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.


20. You can spit without opening your mouth.


21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.


22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.


24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.


25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.


26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.


27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.


28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.


29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.


30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Harvey

Have heard some of these before, but they never fail to crack me up!
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May 28, 1971

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Old 09-06-2006, 09:03 PM   #51
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15 Ways to Tell it's a New Mexican Birthday Party

Well, this won't be as funny if you have never lived in New Mexico or have even visited New Mexico. I doubt many of you would even understand most of these hilarious stereotypes, but I'll still post them:

1. Some of the guests didn't bring a gift, but brought extra-uninvited kids.

2. The cake says, "Happy Birthday Mijo" instead of the child's real name.

3. The party is at Peter Piper Pizza but they brought their own food, cake, and a pinata.

4. It's a child's party but there are more grown-ups than children.

5. It's Mijo's 1st birthday and the party food is carne asada, arroz, frijoles, ensalada, pico de gallo, and 10 cases of beer.

6. For entertainment, instead of playing pin the tail on the donkey, there is usually a televised baseball, football game, or a live fight.

7. The party was supposed to be over at 6:00; it's 8:00 and the party is just starting.

8. The host calls someone who's on their way and tells them to stop and get some tortillas, cokes, and ice.

9. You hear someone go up to the birthday child and say, "Mira, tan lindo (or bonita). I'm going to get you something next week when I get paid."

10. The party is Saturday, and you get a call from the hostess Friday night saying, "I'm giving Mijo a birthday party tomorrow at 3:00."

11. Some guests bring gifts that are still in the store bag.

12. The cake didn't come from the store; it came from the mother of the comadre of your friend's sister who makes really good cakes.

13. You are told you have to save your plate and fork you ate your food with, so you can eat your cake (sometimes even your cup).

14. Guests automatically wrap up a plate of food and cake to take home (sometimes wondering who they are).

15. It's Mijo's party, but since his cousin Licha is there and her birthday is in a few days, it becomes Mijo's AND Licha's party.
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Old 09-11-2006, 12:28 AM   #52
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A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is professional weightlifter

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Naah...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Old 09-11-2006, 10:56 PM   #53
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Crazy cats (and other animals).

http://de.fishki.net/picsr/smeshkoshki
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Old 09-11-2006, 11:02 PM   #54
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What do Japanese kids do when their bored?

See here to find out.

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Old 09-21-2006, 11:44 AM   #55
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Default Driving Quiz

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this situation?





Scroll down for answer:



























Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round" you fool, you're drunk.
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Old 09-21-2006, 04:07 PM   #56
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Q: Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella?

A: Fo' drizzle.
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Old 09-23-2006, 07:27 AM   #57
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The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO ! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Share Grandma's letter with your friends

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Old 09-23-2006, 11:41 AM   #58
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Who brought the cat?

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Old 09-26-2006, 12:29 PM   #59
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Quote:
Originally Posted by swedeace
Who brought the cat?

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Old 09-30-2006, 11:15 PM   #60
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A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
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