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Old 07-26-2006, 05:13 PM   #31
Courtnee
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby F.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. !
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came! back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
__________________
Whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection
A freckle on the nose of life's complexion
The Cinderella or the shine apple of its eye
I gotta fly once, I gotta try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?
Ooh, life is juicy, juicy and you see,
I gotta have my bite, sir.
Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer"
I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer
Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade
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Old 07-27-2006, 10:39 AM   #32
lilhave
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Default Women's T-Shirts

Slogans for Women's T-shirts



1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just
can't remember it all.

5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.

6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks
frog.

7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

12. My husband could have had any women he pleased--he just couldn't
please any!

13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

16. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

17. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

18. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

19. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

20. My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and
the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).

21. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

22. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

23. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

25. I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing
machine, iron, etc.)

Harvey
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Old 07-27-2006, 12:45 PM   #33
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Default

Here's a few I found...

-The Hair Dryer and the Priest!

An attractive young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over
the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there
anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare"

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"



-How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.


-How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.


-Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.




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Old 07-28-2006, 06:07 AM   #34
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Default Thoughts for Today

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

12. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

17. Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.

18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

21. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?

25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

30. Shin: A device for finding furniture.

31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Harvey
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Old 07-31-2006, 10:32 PM   #35
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Default

An elderly couple goes in to the docotrs office, the man is getting an exmaniantion

The doctor says to him "I need a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine smaple and sperm sample"


The man goes"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"


The doctor says " I need a blood sample, a urine sample, a stool smaple and sperm sample"


The man goes"WWhaaaaaaaaat?"


The doctor syas "" I need a blood sample, a urine sample, a stool smaple and sperm sample""


The man turns oth is wife and says "Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? What idd he say?"


His wife says"Just give him your underwear"
__________________




Id Love to help you Tracy, but I cant have sex with a black guy, Id lose my endorsement deal with NASCAR-Jenna Maroney,30 Rock








April 17,2009 9:02 PM : 100,000th post!

[/b]
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Old 08-12-2006, 12:18 PM   #36
Courtnee
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Two cows are standing in a field talking. First says to the other, "That mad cow disease scares me."

Second says "I don't have to worry about getting that." "Why not?" "I'm a helicopter."
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Old 08-19-2006, 01:18 PM   #37
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Talking

The Dollar

Verily I say unto ye..........

Money....

It can buy a house
But not a home
It can buy a clock
But not time
It can buy you a position
But not respect
It can buy you a bed
But not sleep
It can buy you a book
But not knowledge
It can buy you medicine
But not health
It can buy you blood
But not life
So you see money isn't everything
And it often causes pain and suffering

I tell you this because I am your friend....

And as your friend I want to

Take away your pain and suffering!!

So....Send me all your money
And I will suffer for you!
Cash only please!
After all, what are friends for, huh??

I HOPE THIS MADE YOU SMILE!!!
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE!
MONEY CAN'T BUY GOOFY

Cute, eh?
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Old 08-20-2006, 08:18 PM   #38
robyrob
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Default

Shayne had been drinking at his local pub all day and
most of the night. Mick the bartender says, "You'll
not be drinking anymore tonight, Shayne."

Shayne replies, "OK, Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Shayne gets up from his chair and steps forward. He
falls flat on his face. He curses, pulls himself up
by a stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step
towards the door and falls flat on his face.

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if
he can just get to the door and get some fresh air,
he'll be fine. Shayne belly-crawls to the door and
shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks his head outside
and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much
better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He
falls flat on his face.

He curses again. He can see his house just a few doors
down. He crawls to the door and shimmies up the
doorframe, opens the door and shimmies inside. He
takes a look up the stairs and says, "No bloody way."
But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door. He
says, "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into
the room and falls flat on his face. Shayne crawls
forward, drags himself up by the sheets, and finally
falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room
carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Shayne. Did
you have a bit too much to drink last night?"

Shayne says, "I did Mary. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called You left your wheelchair at the pub."
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Old 08-22-2006, 08:53 PM   #39
Steve M.
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Default

Q: What do you get when you put ducks in a crate?
A: A box of quackers.

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Old 08-27-2006, 01:08 AM   #40
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rock Princess
Two cows are standing in a field talking. First says to the other, "That mad cow disease scares me."

Second says "I don't have to worry about getting that." "Why not?" "I'm a helicopter."
__________________
the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 08-27-2006, 11:12 AM   #41
Steve M.
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Default

The joke is that the other cow is mad because she thinks she's a helicopter.
__________________
My blogs:

Miscellaneous Musings

Pictures of Beautiful Women

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE:

REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS CHRIS CHRISTIE - SCOTT WALKER - RICK SNYDER - JOHN KASICH - RICK SCOTT - PAUL LEPAGE

ON THE CHARGE OF IMPERSONATING AN OFFICE!!
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Old 08-28-2006, 07:55 PM   #42
lilhave
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Default Airlines

Airline Safety
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Harvey
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Old 08-29-2006, 02:36 PM   #43
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Default cowboy

The Sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walkwith nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and hisboots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks"Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me top ull off my shirt so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull of my pants so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... "

And here I am.

Harvey
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Old 08-31-2006, 08:04 PM   #44
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Default

I've said some funny jokes in the past(more like quotes but funny nonetheless)


1)"A little sex on TV never hurt anyone, unless you fall off."

2)"I might not be always right but I'm never wrong."

3)"If I was invisible, you wouldn't be able to see me. To most adults, that would be a good thing."

4)After playing a boxing game on PS2: "Where's Mike Tyson? His finishing move could be the ear bite. Don't tell that to Holyfield."

5)After my dad said David Ortiz looks like Shrek: "And Manny looks like Rick James. Manny Ramirez *****.
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Old 09-01-2006, 12:48 AM   #45
lilhave
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Default You know your a redneck

"You know you're a redneck when...


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.


2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.


3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.


4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.


5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.


6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.


7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.


8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.


9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.


10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.


11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.


12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.


13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.


14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.


15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.


16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.


17. You have a rag for a gas cap.


18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.


19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.


20. You can spit without opening your mouth.


21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.


22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.


24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.


25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.


26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.


27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.


28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.


29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.


30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Harvey
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