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Old 07-21-2006, 08:30 PM   #16
Courtnee
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Quote:
Originally Posted by _Jen_
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants, and during a cold snap, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants, and when it warmed up, it slithered out and
the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. Her husband, who getting dressed after a shower, ran out into the living room in his boxer shorts to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on a stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa. The emergency medical technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he wound up in the hospital. The
wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking around under the sofa. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called, and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went into the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken brawl had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the snake crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his revolver and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of an end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered, and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who, startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid hitting the dog and
smashed into the parked police car, setting it on fire. Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was ablaze.

Neighbors had called the fire department, and the arriving fire truck had started raising its ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and caused the electricity to go out, and
also disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area. Time passed... Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new police car, and all was right with the world once again.

About a year later, the couple was watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

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A freckle on the nose of life's complexion
The Cinderella or the shine apple of its eye
I gotta fly once, I gotta try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?
Ooh, life is juicy, juicy and you see,
I gotta have my bite, sir.
Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer"
I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer
Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade
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Old 07-25-2006, 04:54 PM   #17
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What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?

One's a sick duck, and I can't remember the rest, but your mother's a whore
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"I can feel it - the turn of the Earth,
the ground beneath our feet
spinning at a thousand miles an hour.
And the entire planet is hurtling around the sun
at 67,000 thousand miles an hour and I can feel it.
We're falling through space, you and me.
Clinging to the skin of this tiny little world
and if we let go..."

- The Doctor
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Old 07-25-2006, 07:35 PM   #18
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Default Handy Tips Around the House

Eleven Step Guide To Being Handy Around The House

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the 'on' switch; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

Harvey
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Old 07-25-2006, 08:23 PM   #19
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A blonde was at home doing a puzzle. She just couldn't get the pieces together, so she called her boyfriend and he came over to help. She was very upset. "I just can't get the pieces to look like the picture on the box!" She wailed. Her boyfriend shook his head, gave her a hug and looked into her eyes. "Ok baby, let's get the Frosted Flakes back into the box and I'll take you out for breakfast."
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Old 07-25-2006, 09:26 PM   #20
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Q: Why doesn't KristinHerreraFan bother posting in this thread?

A: COZ IT'S A WASTE OF TIME! :
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Old 07-26-2006, 12:56 AM   #21
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Arrow "Blonde Guy" Joke!!

It's about freakin' time!!!

A BLONDE GUY JOKE

It's not too often that you hear a joke about blonde guys...

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.

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Old 07-26-2006, 07:17 AM   #22
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Default Useless Information

Red and blue are the most popular tie colors in the U.S.

A mother kangaroo is called a "flyer."

Fingernails are made out of the same stuff as horse hooves, bird talons, bull horns, and bear claws.

In Great Britain, rummage sales are called "jumble sales."

In the opening procession of the Olympics, the team representing the host nation always marches last.

"Horripilation" is the medical term for goosebumps.

Thirty-four percent of Microsoft employees are Indian.

American electric razors hum in the key of B flat. Razors in England, however, buzz in the key of G.

The pilgrims took apart the Mayflower and used the wood to build a barn.

Forty percent of people in America have never been to see a dentist.

A cosmic year is the amount of time it takes the Sun to revolve around the center of the Milky Way. That's about 225 million years.

Major league baseball bats are made of ash.

Just about half of the people charged with homicide in the US are convicted of the crime.

Toys R Us was originally the Children's Supermart.

The first portable calculator placed for sale by Texas Instruments, in 1972, weighed 2.5 pounds and cost $150.

Melba toast is named after Australian opera singer Dame Nellie Melba.

Sixty percent of Americans can name all Three Stooges. Just 17 percent can name three Supreme Court judges.

The back of the human hand is the "opisthenar."

Norway has won more total medals at the Winter Olympic Games than any other nation.

The official name of Rhode Island, used on all state documents, is Rhode Island and Providence Plantations.

Harvey
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Old 07-26-2006, 11:31 AM   #23
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You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
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Old 07-26-2006, 12:46 PM   #24
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Don't forget to shower before you go swimming in the public pool!


http://de.fishki.net/picsp/bloodyshowerprank.wmv
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Old 07-26-2006, 01:06 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jpcanes
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.


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Old 07-26-2006, 01:48 PM   #26
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George Bush Solves a Puzzle...

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"


Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library...


WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.


Cheney and the Bushes on a Plane...

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Bill Clinton orders a quickie...

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU."

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'."
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Old 07-26-2006, 04:53 PM   #27
Courtnee
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetdiggity

Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library...


WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.


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Old 07-26-2006, 05:00 PM   #28
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Should Children Watch Childbirth?
>
>Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
>house
>was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 5-year-old
>girl, to
>hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
>deliver
>the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother
>Heidi
>pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
>
>
>The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
>bottom.
>Connor began to cry.
>The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
>wide-eyed
>5-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
>
>Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't
>have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again."
>
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Old 07-26-2006, 05:03 PM   #29
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Default FEMALE PRAYER vs MALE PRAYER

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows how to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge
boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
Amen
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Old 07-26-2006, 05:06 PM   #30
Bobby F.
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. !
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came! back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
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