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Old 09-08-2008, 02:11 PM   #271
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Talking The Ten Stupidest Things Ever Said

"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
-- President Gerald Ford

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."
-- President Ford again

"He's living beyond his means, but he can afford it."
-- movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn

"China is a big country, inhabited mainly by Chinese.'
-- French President Charles De Gaulle

"Your medical assistance is canceled beginning 9/24/84 because of your
death." -- Iowa Department of Human Services letter

"Don't talke to me while I'm interrupting." -- movie director Michael Curtiz

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- basketball player Winston Bennett

"I don't believe a tree is a tree and if you've seen one you've seen them all."
-- President Reagan

"What was Watergate? A little bugging." -- President Richard Nixon

"Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded." -- Yogi Berra
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Old 09-08-2008, 02:17 PM   #272
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"Smoking Kills. If you are killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"-Brooke Shields, luckily, she was a teenager/very young adult, but thankfully,she's grown up and matured since then.

When I see those emaciated children in third world countries, I can't help but cry.. .... I wish I had the willpower to be that skinny/ I wish could be that skinny.-Mariah Carey.... Seriously, what was she thinking? Luckily, she has matured from this as well.
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Old 09-08-2008, 02:19 PM   #273
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Talking A Dog Named Sex

Thanks go out to Abigail Van Buren ("Dear Abby") for this classic:

When I went to City Hall to renew my dog's license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!"

Then I said, "But this is a dog."

He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked at me and said,
"You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told
the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He
said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't
care what you do."

I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem."

Well, one day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just
standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in
the contest. He said, "Wonderful! If you sell tickets, you'll clean up!"

"But you don't understand," I said. "I want to have Sex on TV." He said, "They
already have that on cable. It's no big deal anymore."

Well, my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog.

I said to the judge, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge
said, "The court is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts." Then I told
him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."

Well, last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley
at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.
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Old 09-08-2008, 02:27 PM   #274
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Talking More Newspaper Bloopers

From a Long Island paper:
FOR SALE--Large crystal vase by lady slightly cracked.

From a Jefferson City, Mo. paper:
Columbia, Tenn., which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the governor.

From a Newport, Wash. paper:
Mrs. Park and Mrs. Stone were in Seattle last Monday shoplifting for Christmas.

From a Gettysburg, Penna. paper:
Blend sugar, flour and salt. Add egg and milk, cook until creamy in double
boiler. Stir frequently. Add rest of ingredients. Mix well, serve chilled.
Funeral services will be held Thursday afternoon at 2 o'clock.

From the Ootlewah, Tenn. Times:
Our paper carried the notice last week that Mr. Herman Ogle is a defective
in the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Jones is, of course, a
detective in the police farce.

Headline in Burlingame, Calif. paper:
SANTA ROSA MAN DENIES HE COMMITTED SUICIDE IN SAN FRANCISCO

Headline in Wheeling, West Va. Intelligence:
WILD WIFE LEAGUE WILL MEET TONIGHT

[From a jokebook that I've had nearly 50 years; still funny today]
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Old 09-08-2008, 02:41 PM   #275
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Talking

A sailor's wife approached the pastor of her church just as he was stepping
into the pulpit and handed him a note. The note said: "Albert Morse, having
gone to sea, his wife requests the congregation to pray for his safety."

The minister hastily unfolded the note, and with his mind on the sermon he
was about to make, he announced: "Albert Morse, having gone to see his wife, requests the congregation to pray for his safety."

**********

"I've got to get rid of Charlie the chauffeur," complained the husband. "He's
nearly killed me four times!"

"Oh!" pleaded his wife, "give him another chance."

**********

A young man was applying for a job in a big company.

"I'm sorry," said the personnel manager, "but the firm is overstaffed; we have
more employees now than we really need."

"That's all right," replied the young man, undiscouraged, "the little bit of work
I do wouldn't be noticed."

**********

FARMER ZEKE: Quite a storm we had last night.
FARMER SQUEAK: Yep, 'twas.
FARMER ZEKE: Damage your barn any?
FARMER SQUEAK: Dunno. Haven't found it yet.

**********

GUNMAN: Get ready to die. I'm going to shoot you.
MAN: Why?
GUNMAN: I've always said I'd shoot anyone who looked like me.
MAN: Do I look like you?
GUNMAN: Yes.
MAN: Then shoot!

**********

FATHER: Now, Junior, be good while I'm away.
JUNIOR: Okay, Pop. I'll be good for a quarter.
FATHER: Why, son, when I was your age I was good for nothing.
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Old 09-08-2008, 02:58 PM   #276
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As the first post of this thread instructs, please post all jokes and funny lists on this thread. Chit Chat is to chat about things in everyday life. I don't want to have to merge all the time, so to anyone who isn't posting jokes on this thread, please cooperate. Thanks.
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Old 09-08-2008, 06:46 PM   #277
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janice
As the first post of this thread instructs, please post all jokes and funny lists on this thread. Chit Chat is to chat about things in everyday life. I don't want to have to merge all the time, so to anyone who isn't posting jokes on this thread, please cooperate. Thanks.
Sorry. I will keep that in mind. Thanks!
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Old 09-09-2008, 08:58 PM   #278
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MUGGER: Stick 'em down!
MAN: You mean, "Stick 'em up!"
MUGGER: No wonder I never make any money!
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Old 09-10-2008, 07:15 PM   #279
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Talking Funny Signs

Sign in a cemetery at South Bethlehem, Pa.:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

* * *

Sign in a General Motors plant:
According to the theory of aerodynamics and as may be readily demonstrated
through wind tunnel experiments, the bumblebee is unable to fly. This is
because the size, weight and shape of his body in relation to the total
wing-spread make flying impossible. BUT THE BUMBLEBEE, BEING IGNORANT OF
THESE SCIENTIFIC TRUTHS, GOES AHEAD AND FLIES ANYWAY--AND MAKES A
LITTLE HONEY EVERY DAY.

* * *

Sign in a garage at Albuquerque, N.M.:
Don't smoke around the gasoline tank. If your life isn't worthy anything,
gasoline is!
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Old 09-11-2008, 03:01 PM   #280
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Talking "Fifty Dollars Is Fifty Dollars"

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that
helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty
dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
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Old 09-11-2008, 03:20 PM   #281
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janice Johnson
"Smoking Kills. If you are killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"-Brooke Shields, luckily, she was a teenager/very young adult, but thankfully,she's grown up and matured since then.

When I see those emaciated children in third world countries, I can't help but cry.. .... I wish I had the willpower to be that skinny/ I wish could be that skinny.-Mariah Carey.... Seriously, what was she thinking? Luckily, she has matured from this as well.
that rumor annoys me.

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/carey.asp
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Old 09-11-2008, 04:44 PM   #282
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sign in a Volkswagen factory: "THINK BIG & YOU'RE FIRED"!
__________________
the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 09-11-2008, 10:16 PM   #283
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A man and his wife go into a dentist's exam room and the man says, "Doctor, we need to have a tooth pulled, and we have to catch a train in half an hour. There's no time for pain killer. Just pull it with no novacaine."

"I admire your courage," says the dentist. "Now let me see the tooth."

The man turns his wife and says, "Show him your bad tooth, dear."
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Old 09-17-2008, 07:24 PM   #284
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Talking A Dog's Tale

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves
in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her
at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on
themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her
charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese'
together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The
sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and
cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and
says, "How well can you do?" "Um, I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the
Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle," I guess it's hopeless. That's just
as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs
and says, 'How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature
but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile,
a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says (this is good!)
"Liver alone, Cheese mine."
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Old 09-24-2008, 01:31 PM   #285
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Talking

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who found America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the
same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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