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Old 04-09-2008, 03:35 PM   #241
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A WOMAN'S POEM:



Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.





A MAN'S POEM:



I pray for a deaf-mute gymnist nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
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Old 04-14-2008, 02:44 AM   #242
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^ at those cartoons, Jenny.
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Old 04-23-2008, 12:58 AM   #243
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okay okay, my new fav joke:
Girls don't poop. They don't have an ******* until they're married.
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"I can feel it - the turn of the Earth,
the ground beneath our feet
spinning at a thousand miles an hour.
And the entire planet is hurtling around the sun
at 67,000 thousand miles an hour and I can feel it.
We're falling through space, you and me.
Clinging to the skin of this tiny little world
and if we let go..."

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Old 04-23-2008, 10:42 PM   #244
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How does a Redneck tell how fast the wind in blowing?

He looks at his friend to see what angle his Mullet is flowing!
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Old 05-27-2008, 04:46 PM   #245
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Did you ever hear the one about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a dog.
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Old 05-28-2008, 07:19 AM   #246
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Talking Three Proofs that Jesus Was ...

Three Proofs that Jesus Was...
==============================

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin,
and his Mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd,
at a moments notice,
when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men
who just didn't get it.
Even dead, he had to get up
because there was more work for him to do.
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Old 05-28-2008, 09:16 PM   #247
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Default Did you know...

Did you know that a man who runs in front of a car would eventually get tired and that a man who runs behind a car would soon get exhausted.
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Old 05-28-2008, 09:20 PM   #248
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very clever great one
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Old 05-28-2008, 09:31 PM   #249
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PunkyP0WER
very clever great one
Thanks!
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Old 06-02-2008, 06:09 PM   #250
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Default Got this in an email today...

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
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Old 06-02-2008, 10:41 PM   #251
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Red face

Four friends who hadn't seen each other in thirty years are reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He got a good Catholic education and then started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is my pride and joy. He also got a good Catholic education and he started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son attended a good Catholic school, studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other
just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son went to a state school, is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...
what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

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Old 06-03-2008, 02:20 AM   #252
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve M.
Four friends who hadn't seen each other in thirty years are reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He got a good Catholic education and then started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is my pride and joy. He also got a good Catholic education and he started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son attended a good Catholic school, studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other
just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son went to a state school, is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...
what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

O....M....G...!!!!! All their sons are gay LOL
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Old 06-03-2008, 05:48 PM   #253
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A man who eats many prunes gets a good run for his money.
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Old 06-04-2008, 12:07 AM   #254
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Impressions
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

HILARIOUS!
btw, i am looovin' your avator! it looks really cool.
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:21 PM   #255
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http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38575 haha
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