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Old 09-24-2007, 07:56 PM   #226
mrs.gingerhinkley
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Heck is the place were people go if they don't believe in gosh.

teehee.
I luv puns!!!
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Old 10-03-2007, 09:59 AM   #227
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Have you heard about the pregnant rabbit?



She had an ingrown hare
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Old 10-03-2007, 10:02 AM   #228
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seth
I've always wondered - if you don't pay a prostitute is it considered shoplifting?


Ok Seth. How do you make a hormone?

You don't pay her.
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Old 10-03-2007, 03:51 PM   #229
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Default Signs that you are too old for trick or treating

Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...






10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
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Old 12-16-2007, 11:10 AM   #230
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Default Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills"
**************************
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.
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Old 12-19-2007, 03:27 PM   #231
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HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON A PLANE

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4 Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky, and move your lips as if praying.

6. Then hit this link
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Old 12-19-2007, 06:58 PM   #232
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janice
HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON A PLANE

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4 Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky, and move your lips as if praying.

6. Then hit this link


And for the men, make sure you've got as much beard growth as possible and be wearing your Nikes!

(This reminds me of the story coming back from Dallas last January - Janice, I'm sure I told you about it - if not, I'll email you).
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Old 12-19-2007, 07:00 PM   #233
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seth
I've always wondered - if you don't pay a prostitute is it considered shoplifting?


OH MAN have I got a great comeback for this one, but can't say it on the boards.


We need an "18 +" board!!
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Old 12-27-2007, 03:08 PM   #234
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Talking Dog Talk

Dog Talk
=========

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he
sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog
is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak,
he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could
talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government,
so I told them. In no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world
leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening
in.

"I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a bunch of
medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he
wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
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Old 12-27-2007, 03:45 PM   #235
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Talking Groucho Marx on Christmas

"Now the melancholy days have come," Groucho Marx wrote to pal and fellow
comic Fred Allen on Dec. 23, 1953. "The department stores call it Christmas.
Other than for children and elderly shut-ins, the thing has developed to such
ridiculous proportions--well, I won't go into it. This is not an original nor novel
observation, and I am sure everyone in my position has similar emotions. Some
of the recipients are so ungrateful.

"For example, yesterday I gave the man who cleans my swimming pool $5. This morning I found two dead fish floating in the drink. Last year I gave the
mailman $5. I heard later he took the five bucks, bought two quarts of rotgut
and went on a three-week bender. I didn't get any mail from Dec. 24th to
Jan. 15th. For Christmas, I bought the cook a cookbook. She promptly fried it,
and we had it for dinner last night. It was the first decent meal we had in
three weeks. From now on I am going to buy all my food at the bookstore."
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Old 01-01-2008, 11:11 PM   #236
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Talking Someone sent me this on myspace.. FUNNY

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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Old 01-23-2008, 01:18 AM   #237
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Family Ties Forever!
Two-Day Course For Men

Evening classes for men!

Open to men only - all are welcome

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

Day One

How to fill ice cube trays
Step-by-step guide with slide presentation

Toilet rolls - Do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion

Differences between laundry basket & floor
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

Dishes & silverware - Do they levitate to kitchen sink or dishwasher by themselves?
Debate among a panel of experts.

Remote control
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

Learning how to find things
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning
the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

Day Two

Empty milk cartons - Do they belong in the fridge or the bin?
Group discussion and role play

Heath watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your heath
PowerPoint presentation

Real men ask for directions when they are lost
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation

Living with adults - Basic differences between your mother and your partner
Online class and role playing

How to be the ideal shopping companion
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

Remembering important dates & calling when when you're going to be late
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

Getting over it
Learning how to live with being wrong all the time

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Old 01-23-2008, 10:44 AM   #238
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tv star collector
"Now the melancholy days have come," Groucho Marx wrote to pal and fellow
comic Fred Allen on Dec. 23, 1953. "The department stores call it Christmas.
Other than for children and elderly shut-ins, the thing has developed to such
ridiculous proportions--well, I won't go into it. This is not an original nor novel
observation, and I am sure everyone in my position has similar emotions. Some
of the recipients are so ungrateful.

"For example, yesterday I gave the man who cleans my swimming pool $5. This morning I found two dead fish floating in the drink. Last year I gave the
mailman $5. I heard later he took the five bucks, bought two quarts of rotgut
and went on a three-week bender. I didn't get any mail from Dec. 24th to
Jan. 15th. For Christmas, I bought the cook a cookbook. She promptly fried it,
and we had it for dinner last night. It was the first decent meal we had in
three weeks. From now on I am going to buy all my food at the bookstore."
The last part
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Old 01-23-2008, 09:12 PM   #239
Steve M.
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Madderest

Quote:
Originally Posted by Family Ties Forever!
Two-Day Course For Men

Evening classes for men!

Open to men only - all are welcome

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

Day One

How to fill ice cube trays
Step-by-step guide with slide presentation

Toilet rolls - Do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion

Differences between laundry basket & floor
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

Dishes & silverware - Do they levitate to kitchen sink or dishwasher by themselves?
Debate among a panel of experts.

Remote control
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

Learning how to find things
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning
the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

Day Two

Empty milk cartons - Do they belong in the fridge or the bin?
Group discussion and role play

Heath watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your heath
PowerPoint presentation

Real men ask for directions when they are lost
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation

Living with adults - Basic differences between your mother and your partner
Online class and role playing

How to be the ideal shopping companion
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

Remembering important dates & calling when when you're going to be late
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

Getting over it
Learning how to live with being wrong all the time

That's not funny!!
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Old 02-14-2008, 09:20 AM   #240
tv star collector
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Talking The Complete TV Repair Manual

[Excerpts from a feature reprinted in TV Guide Roundup, published in 1960]

Like to beat the TV serviceman out of a few bucks? You can do
it with the handy home trouble-shooter's guide below. You don't even need
tools. This simple, easy-to-use chart lists most of the common TV ailments
you can fix yourself. Just look for the symptom that describes your TV trouble, and get to work.

SYMPTOM: Picture is accompanied by loud, squealing noises.
CAUSE: Stray resonant fields in the vicinity of the TV set.
REMEDY: Put the kids to bed.

SYMPTOM: Insufficient vertical resolution, poor signal-to-nose ratio plus
horizontal misalignment.
CAUSE: Negatively charged electrons imprisoned in ion trap, resulting in
cathodic oscillation.
REMEDY: Pound on top of set until picture returns.

SYMPTOM: Picture seems to be going uphill all the time.
CAUSE: House is settling.
REMEDY: Tilt TV set until picture is horizontal.

SYMPTOM: Impossible to get picture with rabbit-ears.
CAUSE: Most pictures don't have rabbit-ears.
REMEDY: Visit a rabbit farm.

SYMPTOM: Screen blank. No picture or sound.
CAUSE: Insufficient electronic drive.
REMEDY: Pay electric bill.

SYMPTOM: Horizontal lines across picture.
CAUSE: "Venetian blind" interference.
REMEDY: Either raise the blind or stop watching TV through window.

SYMPTOM: Snow on TV set.
CAUSE: Air conditioner turned up too high.
REMEDY: If set has a metal cabinet, remove snow with damp rag. If cabinet
is wood, sweep off excess snow and rub to high luster with a good furniture
polish.

SYMPTOM: Picture breaks up every time a car goes by.
CAUSE: Ignition interference.
REMEDY: Barricade street and detour all traffic.

SYMPTOM: Two stations on same channel at same time.
CAUSE: Co-channel interference.
REMEDY: Cheer up--some people can't even get one station.

SYMPTOM: Can't even get one station.
CAUSE: No-channel interference.
REMEDY: Cheer up--some people get two stations at the same time.

SYMPTOM: Picture flutters when planes fly overhead.
CAUSE: Aircraft interference.
REMEDY: Buy an antiaircraft gun.

SYMPTOM: Set turns on in the middle of the night after everyone has gone
to bed.
CAUSE: Ghosts.
REMEDY: Move to another house.
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