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Old 03-25-2007, 03:32 PM   #181
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janice
That's funny. We need one for the Republicans.
here here!
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Old 03-27-2007, 03:11 PM   #182
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A lady takes her duck to the Vet's office. The vet looks at the duck and tells the lady "I'm sorry but your duck is dead". The lady refuses to believe it and asks the Dr. to run some tests to make sure it really is dead. The Vet brings out a Black lab dog, the dog sniffs the duck, shakes it's head and walks away. The Vet then brings out a cat, the cat sniffs at the duck, shakes his head and walks away. The Vet says "Sorry miss, but like I said your duck is dead" he then gives her a bill for $250.00. The lady is shocked at the amount of the bill and asks the Vet why it is so much. The vet says to her "Well if you had taken my word for it that the duck was dead the bill would not have been so high, but after the Lab report and the Cat scan it's now $250.00.
Stupid joke, I know but for some reason it made me laugh.
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Old 03-27-2007, 09:38 PM   #183
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A man walks up to the ticket counter at an airport with several suitcases bring carried in by a porter. "I'd like a ticket to Philadelphia," he tells the ticket agent. "Also, I'd like this bag sent to New York, the other bag sent to Chicago, this other bag here sent to Atlanta, and my carry-on sent to L.A."

The ticket agent looks at him blankly. "Sir," she says, "we can't do that."

The man replies, "You did the last time I flew on your airline!"


Last edited by Steve M.; 03-28-2007 at 01:06 PM.
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Old 04-01-2007, 02:15 AM   #184
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Quote:
Originally Posted by _Jen_
(e-mail)

Kid Wisdom


If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.
awesome! those are my favorites! especially the last one!
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Old 04-01-2007, 02:17 AM   #185
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Mel
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and a! sked, " Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
that was funny, very hilarious!
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Old 04-04-2007, 06:18 PM   #186
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Want to hear a dirty joke???... pig fell in the mud
Want to hear a clean joke???... Pig took a bath with bubbles
Want to hear a dirty joke???... Bublles was his nextdoor neighbor!
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Old 04-14-2007, 02:44 PM   #187
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Exclamation

If you do not like jokes of a sexual nature, DO NOT READ THIS!!!


Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami
for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami , he's all blue, shivering and
shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New York in the moustache
of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are
th ere, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where
it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next winter.

A year goes by...when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue,
and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...I went to the
Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so
nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley."
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Old 04-20-2007, 09:10 PM   #188
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Mel
If you do not like jokes of a sexual nature, DO NOT READ THIS!!!


Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami
for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami , he's all blue, shivering and
shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New York in the moustache
of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are
th ere, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where
it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next winter.

A year goes by...when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue,
and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...I went to the
Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so
nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley."
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Only can die once, right, sir?
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I gotta have my bite, sir.
Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer"
I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer
Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade
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Old 04-26-2007, 11:21 PM   #189
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Talking New High Tech Machine

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.

Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent! for starters, explain ing that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued ! to feel quite well. Since t he pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

--------------------



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Old 05-01-2007, 02:11 AM   #190
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 05-01-2007, 07:57 PM   #191
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Did you hear about the cheapskate who married the half-witted girl? He heard she got fifty percent off.

Did you hear about the fashion model and the street mime? They got married for the intelligent conversation.
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Old 05-15-2007, 05:20 PM   #192
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Not so much a joke but a pun....

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Old 05-15-2007, 10:25 PM   #193
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phoebe7165
Not so much a joke but a pun....

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I LOVE IT! pure brilliance!
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Old 05-15-2007, 10:48 PM   #194
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Q: Why did the conjoined twins visit England?
A: So the other one could drive.

Borscht Belt humor.
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Old 05-17-2007, 01:46 PM   #195
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Default The Death of Forrest Gump

The Death of Forrest Gump.



The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He walks up to the pearly gates and is met by St. Peter himself.

The good saint says, “Well Forrest, we’re glad to see you. We’ve heard a lot about you. I must tell you, however, that the place is filling up fast, so we’ve been giving an entrance exam to everyone. The test is short but you have to pass before you can get into heaven. You need to answer these three questions:

1. Which days of the week begin with the letter "T"?

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

3. What is God's first name?"



Forrest thinks for a moment and then replies, “Well, the first one - that’s easy. There are two of them – tomorrow and today.”

St. Peter’s eyes open wide in surprise: “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but, I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the second question?”



“Now that’s a bit harder,” says Forrest, “but I’ll guess the answer to be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

“Well, there’s got to be twelve,” Forrest answers. “January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd….”

“Hold it!” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this one, and I’ll have to give you credit for that too. Let’s go on to the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”



“Easy,” replies Forrest, “it’s Andy!”

“Andy?” exclaims the exasperated and frustrated saint. “Okay, I can understand how you can come up with your answers for the first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?”



“Oh,” says Forrest, “that was the easiest of all: Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I'm his own!”



St. Peter opens the pearly gates and says, “Run Forrest, Run!”
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