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Old 03-11-2007, 08:17 PM   #166
Steve M.
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A Texan visits a ranch in Australia. The Australian proudly shows him his cattle.

"Why, we got bigger cows than that," says the Texan.

The Australian then shows the Texan his sheep.

"Why, we have bigger sheep back in the Lone Star State," the Texan replies.

Just then a kangaroo hops by on the other side of the fence.

"What was that?" asks the Texan, astonished.

"That?" the Australian answers. "Oh, nothing, mate, jest one o' our pesky little grasshoppers."
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Old 03-13-2007, 05:42 AM   #167
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An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and a! sked, " Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
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Old 03-13-2007, 10:31 AM   #168
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WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humor)
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Old 03-15-2007, 11:52 AM   #169
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Mel
WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humor)
These are really good ones! I love the sarcasm in them!
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Old 03-16-2007, 07:35 AM   #170
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Mel
WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humor)
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Old 03-16-2007, 04:17 PM   #171
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I'm glad you guys liked that one!! Even being a guy, I have to admit, I thought it was pretty hilarious!!
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Old 03-19-2007, 08:32 AM   #172
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Yeah.
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Old 03-21-2007, 05:21 PM   #173
MsOrange
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Mel
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and a! sked, " Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
i've heard that before, just told slightly differnt.... funny stuff
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Old 03-24-2007, 07:54 PM   #174
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A mother had 3 virgin daughters who were all getting married within a short period of time.

Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good to the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent a card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
and the card read: "Benson & Hedges."

Mom now knew to go straight to her
husbands cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Carribbean.

Mom waited for a week, nothing.

Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it in shaky handwriting,
were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar Magizine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst, and finally
found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days week, both ways." Mom fainted.
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I gotta have my bite, sir.
Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer"
I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer
Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade
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Old 03-24-2007, 07:58 PM   #175
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Mel
Here's another good one!!

Subject: Daddy Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic
dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other
men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy
and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and
is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was
too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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Old 03-24-2007, 08:05 PM   #176
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Old 03-25-2007, 01:26 AM   #177
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TLE: Melon, where's my Gatorade?
OMH: I ain't got no Gatorade
TLE: Yeah, you do, Melon. You're just hiding it.
OMH: No I don't have your G-G-Gatorade
TLE: Old Melonhead, and old sacka EAD
OMH: You fulla (bleep)!

TLE=Your's truly; OMH=Old Melonhead (father)
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Old 03-25-2007, 02:22 AM   #178
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 03-25-2007, 12:35 PM   #179
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A man buys his wife a tombstone for there 20th anniversay after that he doesnt buy her anything
Wife-why dont you buy me anything anymore?
Husband-well you didnt use the last thing i got you so why should i?
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Old 03-25-2007, 03:27 PM   #180
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Superstar
Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

well, i'm not one to laugh actually, I ran into the gym wall in the 6th grade and got a concution
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