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|01-29-2007, 11:32 AM||#151|
Holding the compass
Join Date: Nov 07, 2003
Location: New Jersey
Presidential candidate John Edwards, felling glum about being considered an also-ran behind Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, decides to confide in Pope Benedict XVI about his feelings that the press doesn't take him seriously. The Pope proposes that the two men go out on a lake in a small boat and discuss Edwards's problem. They hire a boat and go out on the lake. As they talk, a strong wind blows blows Benedict's skullcap off his head and out onto the water. "Don't worry, Your Holiness," says Edwards, "I will get your skullcap for you." He gets out on the boat and walks across the water to the skullcap. He picks it up and returns it to the Pope, much to Benedict's amazement. Meanwhile, the press is in another boat recording this miraculous event. The next day's headlines read: EDWARDS CAN'T SWIM.
|02-01-2007, 06:11 PM||#152|
These are so true that they are almost not funny.
THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST ACCORDING TO JEFF FOXWORTHY
This is so accurate it's scary!!
You know you're from the Pacific Northwest When... (According To Jeff
1. You know the state flower (Mildew).
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats rather than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk"
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it
is not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon,
Yakima and Willamette.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-
while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,"
and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see
through the cloud cover.
20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you
can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but
still wear your hiking boots and parka
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the
23. You have a! ctually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old
ones after such a long time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still
Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season
30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them
St. John 15:13 - Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."
Currently my favorite song.
|02-07-2007, 10:30 PM||#153|
Join Date: Feb 19, 2003
Location: New York
the ground beneath our feet
spinning at a thousand miles an hour.
And the entire planet is hurtling around the sun
at 67,000 thousand miles an hour and I can feel it.
We're falling through space, you and me.
Clinging to the skin of this tiny little world
and if we let go..."
- The Doctor
|02-21-2007, 07:33 AM||#154|
Join Date: Dec 21, 2006
Location: Owen Sound, ON
|02-22-2007, 03:10 PM||#156|
God Bless Val
Join Date: May 29, 2006
Location: Bewitched in Ohio
This is a stupid joke I made up as a kid:
Q: What do you call a bratty chocolate chip??
A: A fudge-budget!!
Thank you, I'm here all week!!
"Jesus loves you and He approves this message."
"I'm alive. I'm feeling good. I'm trying to live every moment as much as I can." - Valerie Harper, March 2013
|02-23-2007, 08:39 AM||#158|
Join Date: Dec 21, 2006
Location: Owen Sound, ON
Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the ‘uninstall’ doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.
“A Troubled User”
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
|03-11-2007, 06:08 AM||#159|
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught over
that she had not had a date or any sex for
years. She was afraid there might be
with her, so she decided to seek the medical
of the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang
"OK, take off all your crose." The woman did
"Now, get down and craw reery,
to odderside of room." Again, the woman did
as she was
instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now
reery fass back to me."
As she did so, Dr. Chang shook his
slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed
Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you
sex or dates.
" The woman asked anxiously, "Oh
Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang
deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is
face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
|03-11-2007, 06:22 AM||#160|
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
|03-11-2007, 06:39 AM||#161|
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing ironwork on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch
|03-11-2007, 06:58 AM||#162|
This one's freaking hilarious!!!
Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S. Marine
Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the
terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before
they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot
spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Tom Brokaw said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada"
one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western
world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag Musicians and played
the anthem. Brokaw sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said,"Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from
inside his fatigues, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he
leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with
gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their
As the Marine was untying Rather, Brokaw, and Roberts, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?"
"What!" replied the Marine, "And have you three assh*les report that I
carried out an unprovoked attack?"
Last edited by Brad Russ : 03-11-2007 at 12:27 PM.
|03-11-2007, 07:08 AM||#163|
The Good Samaritan
As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!" So I did. I get out of the hospital in three months.
|03-11-2007, 11:58 AM||#164|
My Sweet Lily
Join Date: Aug 03, 2001
Brad...those are hilarious.
Last edited by Janice : 03-11-2007 at 05:34 PM.
|03-11-2007, 12:57 PM||#165|
Here's another good one!!
Subject: Daddy Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic
dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other
men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy
and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and
is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was
too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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