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|04-23-2006, 09:57 PM||#1|
Join Date: Dec 29, 2001
Location: New Jersey - the cradle of civilization
TJL's DVD Ciritic's Corner - The Ed Burns needs to fire his agent editon 4/23/06
The other day I was sitting in my living room drinking a cup of Celestial Seasons tea and watching “Knight Rider” (the two part episode where Michael Knight battles his evil twin Garth and his supertruck Goliath - how kickass was that?) when suddenly another me emerged from my bedroom.
I must admit I was a little freaked out when me walked in on me.
Aside from the whole existential paradox thing, I never realized how funny I walked.
“Hey me, I’m from the future,” my other self said. “I came here via a time vortex in our bedroom.”
“Is that what that thing in the corner was” I replied. “I thought it was just the radiator acting up again.”
“Yeah, listen up Sparky, I have no time for that idiotic chatter you call humor,” my other self yelled.
Apparently I become a bit of a tool in the future.
“I’m here to warn you about something terrible that will happen,” He continued. “Later on today you will decide to do another one of your dumb DVD Reviews. Do not rent “A Sound Of Thunder,” a sucky time travel movie starring Ed Burns and Ben Kingsley. Don’t rent it! I’m serious! You will regret it! Oh, and don’t forget to buy stamps on the way to the video store.”
And then the other me flipped me off, stepped back into the time vortex and vanished.
Needless to say, later that afternoon I marched right over to Blockbuster and rented “A Sound Of Thunder” because I am the master of my own fate and I never listen to futuristic doppelgangers that tell me what to do.
That’s the way I roll.
“A Sound Of Thunder” is based on a short story by celebrated author Ray Bradbury, who wrote important sci-fi stories that were allegories for the struggles of modern man back when sci-fi wasn’t allowed to be fun or entertaining.
In 2055 Chicago, people drive in three wheeled cars and wealthy adventurers can travel back to the prehistoric era and hunt dinosaurs thanks to oily inventor Ben Kingsley and his company called Time Safari.
Ed Burns plays a hunky scientist who leads the hunting expeditions. Judging by the bored expression on his face throughout the movie, poor Ed probably wants travel back to a time when his agent didn't push him to do movies even Affleck would turn down.
Of course, things go horribly wrong during one of the Jurassic hunting trips, and now mankind throughout the ages is royally screwed.
You see time travel in “Sound Of Thunder” has more rules and clauses than your average HMO plan. The most important rule is never touch, manhandle, mangle, crush, kill, or destroy anything flora or fauna, or else it will have an ugly ripple effect on the future. You step on a twig in 65 million B.C., evolution flies off in some cockeyed direction and the next thing you know humans have four eyes, dorsal fins and a frightening addiction to Sudoku.
The hunting party returns to a Chicago that’s caught in the middle of a global hissy fit. Mutant plants cover the buildings, packs of monkey-lizards are running amok in the park, and the Cubs are still twenty fracking games out of first place.
With the help of his team that dies one by one and a pretty scientist played by Catherine McCormack (who’s British accent is so smart it has a degree from Oxford) Ed and company fight valiantly to travel back in time to the beginning of the film to warn the others that sleepwalking through B grade sci-fi films will not get you a seat on “Inside The Actor’s Studio.”
I guess my future self was right. “A Sound Of Thunder” was a crappy film and an incredible waste of time if you’ll pardon the pun.
In fact, I’m so disgusted that I rented this flick; I’m going to cut up my Blockbuster membership card, stick it in an envelope and mail it back to that unholy video store chain.
Do I have any stamps?
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|04-25-2006, 11:08 AM||#3|
I'm Rich Bitch
Join Date: Feb 03, 2002
Location: What Ain't No Country I Ever Heard Of...They Speak English in What?
I am not a real big fan of Edward Burns work. I think his best movie was Ash Wednesday.
The Key to the Kingdom of Heaven: John 3:3
Money Doesn't Buy Happiness...But I'd Rather Cry in My Private Jet
|04-25-2006, 12:47 PM||#4|
Join Date: Aug 03, 2001
Good one TJL.
The only movie I can think of is Ash Wednesday. I did enjoy that.
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