[COLOR=deeppink]Austin Powers: The Spy Who Played Cool With Me[/COLOR]

[Bea]

Starring Arthur Fonzarelli as Austin Powers
Lori Beth Allen as Felicity Shagwell
Howard Cunningham as Dr. Evil
Sticky from Fonzie's Funeral as Mini Me
Warren 'Potsie' Weber as Number Two
Richie Cunningham as Scott Evil
Ralph Malph as Basil Exposion
Marion Cunningham as Frau Farbissina (Considering the casting arrangements, that little controversial scene between her and Dr. Evil will be cut)
and
Al Delvecchio as Fat Bastard

(The movie opens with a man reading Crackwhore magazine in a space shuttle. He snaps to attention and drops his magazine when the Big Boy goes floating by, spewing Dr. Evil out its ass)

Man: Holy crap! (Picks up phone) Get me the President!

(Changes to scene of the Oval Office. No one seems to be there. A phone begins ringing. Suddenly, President Clinton comes up from under the desk)

Clinton: Just a second, baby... (picks up phone) Yes?... oh good lord! (hangs up) Uhh, honey, I have to do something real quick. (picks up phone) Get me Austin Powers!

(We are assuming that Austin has ALREADY discovered that Miss Kensington was a fembot and is now at a club. His cell phone rings)

Austin: Talk to me, baby... oh hello... oh really?... oh no!... okay, i'll be right there... (to girl) Sorry, baby, I gotta go!

Woman: Austin, please stay!

Austin: Sorry, baby, I gotta jet!

(Austin does some groovy kick moves and sparks a huge dance number involving the whole club. His groovy theme music plays in the background and the title comes on : AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO PLAYED COOL WITH ME. The number leads him outside and into his car, waving goodbye to the dancing people. The music stops with a blast.)

(Scene: Austin is in his car. Musical beeps alert. Basil appears)

Basil: Austin, we need your help!

Austin: I know, Basil.

Basil: You heard about Dr. Evil?

Austin: Yes.

Basil: Come down to HQ right now.

Austin: Not now, baby, I've got a photo shoot... grr, baby, grr...

Basil: Right after, come down, Okay?

Austin: Okay, Basil.

(computer turns off)

Austin: What a square, baby, yeah, baby!

(Drives out of view)

(Scene: The lair of Dr. Evil. Inside, Dr. Evil sits at a table with all his henchmen and Scott)

Dr. Evil: Okay. So, what's been going on since I left?

Number Two: We've invested in this small company called... Harbucks. It's become huge. We're using the money to develop something... incredible.

Dr. Evil: Well, what is it?

Number Two: A time machine.

Dr. Evil: Fantastic... any more updates?

Number Two: Uhh, I'm not quite done.

Dr. Evil: One second, Number Two... well, anyone?

Frau: Well, yes. You, of course, remember how you told us to clone you when you went back to space?

Dr. Evil: Uhh, I think so, yeah.

Frau: Great, well, BRING IN THE CLOOOOOOOOONE!!!!!

(everyone flinches)

Number Two: He's exactly like you in every way...

(clone enters)

Number Two: Only one eigth your size.

Dr. Evil: Marvelous.

Clone: Wow.

Number Two: (whispering) Sticky, you're, uh, not supposed to talk.

Clone: What happened?

Number Two: Quiet, Sticky.

Clone: Okay.

(Clone walks over to Dr. Evil and sits next to him)

Dr. Evil: I shall call him... Mini Me.

(silence. Dr. Evil looks around, confused)

Number Two: (quietly) Dr E... pinky...

Dr. Evil: Oh yeah... I shall call him... Mini Me. (puts pinky to mouth, lightning strikes) Splendid.

Mini Me: Dr Evil, I persume.

Dr. Evil: Of course, Number Two, I have found out exactly how to use this time machine.

Number Two: You have?

Dr. Evil: Yes. I shall go back in time to 1969. As you know, Austin was frozen in 1967. You see, does anyone know why Austin always defeats me?

Scott: Because you never kill him when you have the chance to?

Dr. Evil: No, Scott... because he has mojo.

(Scott flips off Dr. Evil and Dr. Evil flips off Scott)

Number Two: Mojo?

Dr. Evil: Yes, mo-jo.

Number Two: So?

Dr. Evil: Sooo... I will go back to 1969, go to the lab where he is frozen and steal his mojo! Once I have mojo, no one can defeat me! Muhahahahaha! Muhahahahaha! Muhahahahaha! Muhaha...ha...ha... ha... heh... uhhh... anyway, I am going back in time... I bid you adeiu...

(Dr. Evil runs up to time machine and jumps in, but is smacked against solid wall)

Number Two: It's... uh... not on.

Dr. Evil: Oh, well, uh, would you care to, uh...

Number Two: Sure. (flips switch, machine starts spinning)

Dr. Evil: Come, Mini Me!

Mini Me: Coming, Dr Evil. (walks over to Dr. Evil and jumps into time machine with him)

(SCENE: Photo shoot. Austin is taking two beautiful girl's pictures)

Austin: Hey, baby. I'm Austin. And you are?

Model 1: Heather.

Model 2: Lucia.

Austin: Shagadelic, babies. Let's go! Give me angry... give me pouty... give me kitty... give me tempting... give me bunny hop... give me farts... give me jumping... give me badger... give me weasel... and I'm spent. Lucia, would you care to... accompany me?

Lucia: I would be delighted.

(They exit)

(SCENE: Dr. Evil's holiday volcano, 1969. Dr. Evil and Minime appear through time portal)

Dr. Evil: Good day, all.

Number Two: Hello, Dr. Evil. We've got your message from the future.

Dr. Evil: Very good.

Number Two: We want to know... how do you plan to steal Austin's mojo?

Dr. Evil: Leave that to me... I've hired an inside man... the fattest man alive... weighing in at a metric ton, a security guard at the lab containing Austin Powers... Fat Bastard.

(SCENE: Fat Bastard is standing in the lab with other guards. A man comes in)

Fat Bastard: Just a second, sir, I'm going to have to ask you for ID to access this area.

Man: What?

Fat Bastard: Am I to understand you have no ID?

Man: No, I just wanted to see Austin.

Fat Bastard: Well, isn't that just too bad? RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!!!! (Hits man with stick)

Man: Ow! (runs away)

Fat Bastard: Hey, you guys, check this out. (pulls out a big metal disk)

Guard: What is it?

Guard 2: Yeah, what is it?

Fat Bastard: Scented magic disk.

Guard: Ooooh. Lemme smell.

(Fat Bastard takes metal lid off and waves it in the faces of all the guards, who pass out)

Fat Bastard: *******s! (inserts a sringe into frozen Austin... pulls out purple goo)

(SCENE: Bedroom in England. Austin is talking to Lucia on a couch. Suddenly, he curls over and sort of shakes)

Austin: Oh no! I've lost my mojo!

(SCENE: Austin's HQ)

Basil: Austin, we have developed this.

Austin: What is it?

Basil: A time machine to send you back to 1969 to battle Dr. Evil, Austin.

Austin: Cool.

Basil: Well, go on then.

Austin: Goodbye, Basil!

(Austin enters and disappears... he reappears in a party)

Austin: Yeah, baby! (starts bobbing head and dancing)

Felicity Shagswell: Hello, Mr. Powers.

Austin: Well, hello, baby, what's your name?

Felicity Shagwell: It's Felicity Shagwell... true to the name. Felicity shags very well.

Austin: Yeah, baby, groovy!

Felicity: Watch out, the girl over there works for Dr. Evil.

Austin: Who?

Felicity: Black dress. Red hair.

Austin: Thanks, baby.

(A red haired woman in black dress comes over)

Woman: Good evening, Austin Powers.

Austin: Hey, baby. What's your name?

Woman: Robin.

Austin: Well, Robin, you're groovy, baby!

Robin: Really?

Austin: Yeah, baby!

(Robin starts waving her arm in a weird way)

Austin: What is that you're doing, baby?

(Gunshots fly from accross the room. Austin uses Robin as a sheild and escapes out a window. On the street, Felicity drives up in an American flag decorated car)

Felicity: Austin!

Austin: Thanks, baby!

Felicity: No problem. By the way, I'm a CIA agent over in America. We've got to get out of here.

Austin: All right.

(They drive for about 5 hours)

Austin: Where are we now?

Felicity: I'm not sure.

Austin: Who's that?

(A car is blocking the street. Felicity stops. They get out. Mustafa pops out of the other car)

Mustafa: Freeze, you dirty little bastard! (points gun at them)

Austin: Holy crap, baby!!!

Felicity: (pulls out a gun) Don't think about it.

Mustafa: You wouldn't, you little bitch.

Felicity: Wanna bet? (shoots gun out of Mustafa's hand)

Mustafa: Hey! You go to hell, you go to hell and you die!

Felicity: I don't think I'll be doing any of that. Now tell me where Dr. Evil is.

Mustafa: No.

Felicity: Where's Dr. Evil?

Mustafa: I can't tell you.

Felicity: Tell me! I'll shoot you! Where is Dr. Evil?

Mustafa: I won't! You wouldn't kill me, I have information you need! Just don't ask again!

Felicity: Where is Dr. Evil?

Mustafa: Damn! He has a holiday volcano off the shore of Florida in the US!

Austin: Why did you answer?

Mustafa: Whenever anyone asks a question 3 times I must answer. It's a disorder!

Austin: Oh, well, thank you. What is he planning to do?

Mustafa: I don't know.

Austin: What is he planning to do?

Mustafa: I really don't!

Austin: What is he planning to do?

(Mini Me approaches from behind Felicity's car and shoots Mustafa)

Austin: I asked three times, you have to answer!

Mustafa: Ahh... ahhhhh... (falls off a cliff)

Austin: Oh, great. Now we'll never know.

Felicity: Forget it. We've got a location. Let's go.

Austin: Yeah, baby!

(SCENE: The holiday volcano)

Fat Bastard: Dr. Evil, here's your mojo.

Dr. Evil: Thank you so, Fat Bastard.

(A sound like the time machine powering up is heard. They turn to see that Scott is entering)

Dr. Evil: How nice to have you here, Scott.

Scott: Yeah.

Dr. Evil: Fat Bastard, here is your compensation.

(Mini Me walks over with a breifcase of money)

Fat Bastard: Aww, look at the baby. You're teeny. I'm bigger than you, so get in my belly!

Mini Me: What?

Fat Bastard: Dr. Evil, keep the money and the mojo. I'll take your baby.

Dr. Evil: Riiiiiiiiiiiight.

Fat Bastard: I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs... Chili's baby back ribs...

Mini Me: Ahh! (runs to Dr. Evil)

Dr. Evil: You can leave now, Mr. Bastard.

Fat Bastard: (quietly) God damn it, why do I get such a small role? It's not fair. I'll kick them square in the nuts! Sons of bitches. (exits)

Dr. Evil: Scott, why don't you sit down and wait for us to begin our little meeting?

Scott: A meeting? For what?

Dr. Evil: I'm taking the world hostage, Scott. You know it's what I do.

Scott: Are you going to kill Austin Powers this time?

Dr. Evil: Naturally, I have an elaborate plan to kill him.

Scott: You always do this. Why can't you just go sh-

Dr. Evil: Ah-ah, zip it!

Scott: But it's just stu-

Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exZIPIT A.

Scott: Why do you have t-

Dr. Evil: When a problem comes along, you must ZIPIT... ZIPIT good.

Scott: You know, you're just always doing this, it's just ge-

Dr. Evil: Let's go to www.ZIPIT.com!

(Scott flips off Dr. Evil and Dr. Evil flips him off back. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity come bursting through the door)

Dr. Evil: Austin Powers!

Austin Powers: Give me my mojo!

Dr. Evil: Never!

(Number Two enters behind them with five nameless henchmen, pointing a gun at them)

Austin: Oh no!

Number Two: Don't even bother thinking about getting away. We've got you this time.

Scott: What are you going to do this time? Hang him from the ceiling while angry mice gnaw at his feet?

Dr. Evil: Very funny, mister... no! Number Two, have a couple of henchmen take Miss Shagwell away. Austin comes with me.

Number Two: Numbers 9, 15, take her away. You, come with me. (Leads Austin after Dr. Evil into another room)

Dr. Evil: Here we will kill you and proceed to destroy the Earth with my giant laser... but first, let's play a game. I'll give you a chance. (A glass case comes up - containing Felicity) You can save your girlfriend, or battle me to save the world. (puts pinky to
mouth)

Austin: Felicity!

Mini Me: I hope Lori Beth lives!

Dr. Evil (whispering) Sticky, that's not Lori Beth, that's Felicity Shagwell. And I'm Dr. Evil.

Mini Me: You're Howard Cunningham, aren't you?

Dr. Evil (whispering) I'm not Howard Cunningham, I'm Dr. Evil!

Felicity: Save the world, Austin. Forget about me.

Austin: No, I can't. I have to save you.

Felicity: Don't worry. I'm sure some plot loophole will show up and we'll turn out okay.

Austin: I hope you're right. Hey, I know! Dr. Evil, I choose to fight you and save the world!

Dr. Evil: Ah, so I finally get to kill you, Austin Powers!

Austin: I think not!

(Austin picks up a nearby pole with a sharp edge, does a flip over Number Two's head so that he's behind #2, pulls him arm back and throws the pole. He trhows it at Number Two and but he dodges it and Felicity's cage shatters freeing her)

Felicity: Austin, you did it!

Austin: And now, to take care of you, Dr. Evil!

Dr. Evil: Ha! You'll never catch me, Austin! (Presses self-destruct button) Come, Mini Me!

(He runs out and Mini Me follows him)

Austin: Come on, Felicity, let's get out of here!

Felicity: Okay!

(They run through the corridors being chased by henchmen and narrowly escape. They jump into the boat they used to travel to the volcano island and get away as quickly as possible. Suddenly,
the Big Boy launches back into space from behind the volcano, as it begins to explode)

(SCENE: Inside of Big Boy)

Scott: So, where are we going now?

Dr. Evil: Space.

Scott: Great. So, when do we fail at attempting to take over the world next?

Dr. Evil: That's enough from you!

(Scott flips him off)

Dr. Evil: We'll return, oh yes, we will. You will see. One day I will defeat Austin Powers. One fateful day...

Mini Me: What are you talking about, Dr Evil?

(SCENE: Shore. Austin and Felicity are arriving, greeted by Basil)

Basil: Austin, Felicity, good work.

Austin: Thank you, Basil.

Felicity: I love you, Austin!

Austin:Shagadelic! Felicity, come back with me to the nineties!

Felicity: Oh, Austin, I don't know... I don't want to miss thirty years.

Austin: Nothing happens, baby! It's all in the nineties! There's a war and a very, very long time of nothing when people wore their hair in ridiculous and stupid ways. That's it.

Felicity: I still don't know.

Austin: Come on, baby... please.

Felicity: Oh, all right!

Austin: Yeah, baby! Yeah! I'm the happiest man alive!

Felicity: Oh, Austin! You've made me the happiest woman ever! (Kisses him)

Austin: Yeah, baby, groovy!

THE END