The 1986 World Series Game 6 Episode

[chipsaugratin]

“GO BUCKNER YOURSELF”

World Series 1986, Game 6: a Fan Fiction episode of “Cheers!”

(For purposes of continuity, this occurs in season 5 of the series, 1986-87, shortly after Diane has turned down Sam’s original marriage proposal but before they become engaged.)


Scene 1
Inside Cheers in late October 1986. The bar is full, all the regulars are there, and all the employees are there. A game from the 1986 World Series is on the bar TV, from Fenway Park. As the Boston Red Sox score a run, the bar explodes in cheering and applause.
FRASIER is seated at the stage left, upstage corner of the bar farthest from the television.
FRASIER
Isn’t it pathetic?

DIANE
What is, Frasier?

FRASIER
That a barroom full of people would take such joy in the accomplishments of others that they had little, in fact, nothing to do with.

CARLA
Frasier, you’re a psychiatrist, right?

FRASIER
Well, yes, of course.

CARLA
And you cure patients – well, patient?

FRASIER
What is your point, Carla?

CARLA
You must like to see others get better?

FRASIER
I see where you are going, Carla, but this is completely different. I actually treat my patients.

DIANE
Frasier, didn’t Dr. Bennett Ludlow say that many psychiatric patients essentially cure themselves and that the role of the psychiatrist is minimal?

FRASIER
Well, yes, he did say that, but…

NORM
So how does that make you any different from a Red Sox fan?

FRASIER
Well… the government lets me write off my suits on my income taxes.

The bar explodes again in cheering and applause.

FRASIER
(Picking up his drink to make a toast)
God love capitalism! And Go Red Sox!!

Cheers’ opening credits run.
COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene 2
Late afternoon, the next day. The bar is medium full. Cliff is at his usual spot. Sam and Woody are working behind the bar, Carla is waiting tables. Diane is absent and will enter later from the stairs to Melville’s restaurant.
NORM enters from the street, stage left.

NORM
Afternoon, everybody!

EVERYONE
Norm!!!

SAM
Can I pour you a beer, Norm?

NORM
Sam Malone, every day I come in here and every day you ask me that same question and every day you pour me a beer. This has been going on day after day after day, year after year after year. Don’t you ever get sick of it?

SAM
Do you?

NORM
Never. Set me up, Sammy!

CLIFF
Say, Norm, I got something here I’d like you take a look at.

NORM
Do I have a choice?

CLIFF
No. It’s a form for the Postman of the Year Award, I’ve been nominated again and I’d be honoured if you would second the nomination.

NORM
Congratulations, Cliffy. Who nominated you?

CLIFF
Well, me.

NORM
All right, Cliff, I’ll sign it for you, Buddy. Listen, is anybody going to check up on this and find out that I’m not on your route?

CLIFF
Norm, the highly placed Post Office managers responsible for supervising the Postman of the Year Awards will bring the same level of professionalism, diligence and dedication to that task that every P.O. employee brings to the sacred trust that is the US Mail.

NORM
So, nobody’s calling?

CLIFF
Not a chance, Normy.

Diane descends the stairs from Melville’s, upstage, stage left. She is carrying money, change, brings it over to Sam at the bar.

DIANE
Here’s your change, Sam. Oh, Sam, how would you like to accompany me to the ballet tomorrow night?

SAM
(Only half listening while pouring some drafts)
What?

DIANE
I ran into 1 of my college professors this afternoon, and he can’t go, so he gave me his tickets. How about it, Sam?

SAM
Well, in that case… Noooooo!

DIANE
Give me 1 good reason why not.

SAM
I’ll give you three reasons.
One, you know I hate the ballet.
Two, you know I hate you.
Three, tomorrow night is game 6 of the World Series. The Red Sox are going to win the series for the first time in 68 years and I’m not going to miss that. We lost the series in ’75 and Coach never won it either. But tomorrow night, the Red Sox are going to win it for all of us. Am I right, people?

The bar explodes in cheering.

DIANE
Fine, Sam, I will take someone else.

SAM
Yeah, whatever. … Wait a second, Diane, you are not going to the ballet tomorrow night.

DIANE
Oh, jealousy rears its ugly head, my crazed paramour!

SAM
Jealousy has nothing to do with it. You’re working tomorrow; it’s not your night off.

DIANE
So, just switch my night off.

SAM
Weren’t you just listening? This place is going to be jam-packed tomorrow night, and I need both waitresses. It’ll be the biggest night of the year, maybe the biggest night we’ve ever had.

DIANE
Sam Malone, you are heartless and cruel. If you try to keep me here tomorrow, maybe I’ll just quit.

SAM
That is not one of the great ultimatums, Diane. Look, I’m the boss. I am not asking Carla to work alone tomorrow night. So, that’s it.

CARLA
Sammy, Sammy, it’s not a problem, let The Stick go see the ballet, I’ll cover the whole bar tomorrow. It won’t be a problem.

SAM
What? Are you kidding?

DIANE
Carla, that is terribly nice of you.

CARLA
Yeah, Yeah, don’t worry about it.

SAM.
Well, okay. Diane, you’ll work your regular night off next week instead.

DIANE
Thank you, Sam, and thank you, Carla, that really was very sweet of you.

Diane goes off to a corner table to take drink orders.

NORM
I don’t get it, Carla. Why are you being so nice to Diane?

CARLA
Nice nothing, Norm. We are going to have the biggest Red Sox crowd in here ever. And all those tips will be my tips. Plus, not having “What’s Her Tweed” around to spoil the Sox winning the Series will make soaking my feet for 3 hours worth it. Man, this is going to be the most exciting thing to ever happen to me since the 1st time I had sex.

NORM
I’ll bet there will be more people around this time.

CARLA
Yeah,… a few.

Scene 3
The next day. Late evening at Cheers during game 6 of the World Series. A very large, enthusiastic crowd has filled the bar and is watching the game as the Red Sox lead in extra innings. (Snippets of play-by-play should be overheard from time to time.) Frasier is seated at the corner of the bar, downstage, stage left.
Diane enters from the street, stage left. As everyone is engrossed by the game, no one pays attention to her but Frasier.

DIANE
Hello, everyone.

FRASIER
Good evening, Diane, I understand you were at the ballet tonight. How was the performance?

DIANE
Oh Frasier, it was just marvellous. Both Rebecca and I found it breathtaking. The pliées, the jetées…

WOODY
A lot of foreign cars, huh, Miss Chambers?

FRASIER
Rebecca?

DIANE
Rebecca Prout, my old roommate. I gave her the other ticket.

FRASIER.
Right, of course, Rebecca. So, you didn’t arrange a date?

DIANE
(glancing over at Sam, and with a quick smile)
Why would I take a date?

FRASIER
I see. Pardon me for being so blunt, but you know that Sam has said he wants nothing more to do with you. It’s not healthy for you to indulge this desperate wish that you might win him back someday. You need to move on, Diane.

DIANE
Oh, you’re a fine one to talk.

FRASIER
And what is that supposed to mean?

DIANE
Frasier, you’re always hanging out in this bar. Isn’t that just a manifestation of a desperate fantasy, to be near me, hoping someday to win me back?

FRASIER
Don’t flatter yourself, Diane, you couldn’t be more wrong. After work, I just want to have a drink or 2 to relax and unwind. Cheers is close by my office.

DIANE
Frasier, your office is 10 miles away.

FRASIER
Well, yes, but it’s against the general flow of traffic.

SAM
(after he spots Diane)
Diane, good, you’re here. Listen, I know I gave you the night off, but we’re swamped. Put on your apron and I’ll pay you time-and-a-half for the rest of the night.

DIANE
Fine, fine, just give me a moment.
(Rushing around to enter the bar, finding her apron and putting it on)
What is happening?

SAM
The Red Sox are ahead. They just have to get a couple more outs to end it.

DIANE
Oh… That’s good, isn’t it?
(A cheer goes up from the bar crowd.)

CLIFF
That’s it, just 1 more out to go. Normy, doesn’t it make you just want to jump up off your barstool and dance around?

NORM
No, I’m good here.

A voice is heard emanating from the television as the game action continues.

TV ANNOUNCER
And Gary Carter’s 2-out base hit keeps the Mets alive for at least 1 more batter…

The Cheers crowd lets out a large collective moan.

DIANE
Oh, dear, what happened?

WOODY
A player on New York just got on-base, Miss Chambers.

SAM
Yeah, but big deal. Listen up everybody, in a few minutes, this game will be over, and we are going to have the biggest and best party in Cheers’ history!!

The entire bar explodes in applause and joy after Sam’s speech.
Fade In/ Fade Out, 30 minutes later, after the game is over and the Red Sox have lost on the infamous Buckner play. The bar is funereal, and Cliff, Norm and Carla are inconsolable.

CLIFF
Oh my gawd!

NORM
I can’t believe it!

CARLA
This is without a doubt the worst moment of my life.

WOODY
You said that about when Miss Chambers came back to work here.

CARLA
This is without a doubt the 2nd worst moment of my life.

SAM
Oh, hell.

DIANE
(Returning from the poolroom with an empty tray.)
What’s happened out here?

FRASIER
Well, obviously, Diane, the Boston Red Sox team lost the game.

DIANE
I see, does that mean the exhibition is over and that New York has won?

SAM
Not exactly, Diane. By winning tonight, the New York Mets have tied the World Series at 3 wins each. So the 7th game, the last game is tomorrow night.

DIANE
Well, then, what are you all such Negative Nellies about? I am sure that the Red Stockings will win tomorrow night.

CARLA
Congratulations, Diane. First you ruin my good times and then you ruin my misery.

SAM
Hold it, Carla, let’s remember the Series is not over, and this time the Red Sox will win.

CLIFF
Oh, Sammy, you’re like a candle in the wind.

WOODY
Don’t you mean a candle in the dark, Mr. Clavin?

CARLA
Wind sounds about right to me for Clavin.

NORM
Sammy’s right, people, and a celebratory beer on the house would really hit the spot.

SAM
They haven’t won anything yet, Norm.

NORM
No sense waiting to the last minute, Sammy.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Next Scene: Afternoon at Cheers on the day of game 7.
NORM enters from the street.

NORM
Afternoon, everybody.

BAR
Norm!

DIANE
Norman

Norm walks to his usual stool, as Diane pours him a draft beer.

DIANE
Norman, you look quite content today.

NORM
Well, I should, Diane. I just came from a 50,000 beer check-up on my liver. (As he grabs the beer Diane has poured for him, and takes a sip after the next line.) And here I start on the way to 100,000!

CLIFF
(Standing at the pay telephone, about to make call)
Norm, I’m getting a bet down on tonight’s game. You in for $20.00?

NORM
Sure, sure.

PAUL KRAPENCE
Hey, Clavin, put me down for $20.00. … Better make it $10.00 (Turning to Norm to deliver the next line.) I’ve got a hot date tomorrow night.

FRASIER
You’re betting on the game? Never mind that it is illegal, it’s also psychologically unhealthy to have such a personal stake in sporting events.

NORM
Come on, Frasier, it’s just a little harmless fun.


FRASIER
Harmless fun? Is that how you refer to the last game and all the beers you drank to drown your sorrows?

NORM
No, I refer to that as my life!

CLIFF
(As he sits down next to Norm)
I think you’re overreacting, Doc. It’s a little known fact that gambling was actually invented by the Romans!

FRASIER
(Incredulously)
Was it!?

CLIFF
Oh, sure! The Romans would bet on anything. Gladiatorial games. Christians versus Lions. Chariot races. In fact, Ben-Hur was beaten up by bookies because he wouldn’t throw a race.

NORM
Really? I didn’t see that in the movie.

CLIFF
It was only a 3-hour movie, Norm. You can’t expect them to squeeze in every true historical detail.

In Sam’s office, as Sam is seated at his desk working, Diane enters.

DIANE
Sam, the 2 extra cases of champagne you ordered were just delivered. Champagne on the house is very generous of you, Sam…. Sam, you didn’t ask me about my evening at the ballet – the show, dinner,.. my date?

SAM
Well, there’s a simple reason for that, Diane… I don’t care!

DIANE
Out of respect for you, Sam, I won’t say anything else about my evening at the ballet. Because I know that, despite your protestations, you love me … and, soon, we will be conjoined.

SAM
Okay, I might have time during the 7th inning stretch, if we’re not too busy.

Next scene, just as the baseball game is about to begin, a voice emanates from the television broadcast.

TV ANNOUNCER
And here we go as game 7 of this World Series is just about ready to get under way….

CARLA
I have to tell you, Sam, after the last game, I actually lost faith. I was convinced Buckner had lost the series right there. But this is a new day, a new game and they are not going to break my heart again. Come On, Red Sox!!
(Loud cheering throughout the bar)


Next Scene: after game 7 of the World, Series, the Mets having won the game and the series, the entire bar is deadly silent and depressed.

NORM
I can’t believe it happened again.

CLIFF
Even being Postman of the Year again won’t make up for this.

CARLA
I hate Bill Buckner. He is the worst person in the world.

WOODY
What about Miss…..

CARLA
Bill Buckner is the 2nd worst person in the world.

NORM
This is leaving such a bad taste in my mouth, it’ll be a long time before I can drink beer again.

DIANE
People you are taking this entirely too seriously.

NORM
Another beer, Woody
(After Woody pours him a beer, Norm addresses the glass)
Long time no see, old friend.

CARLA
I am going to kill the first New York Mets fan I meet.

DIANE
Carla, don’t even joke about something like that.

CARLA
Joke?

FRASIER
I must repeat to you all once again how unhealthy it is to put such personal stock into the results of what it is essentially entertainment. This kind of behaviour can be emotionally damaging.

WOODY
I have to agree with Dr. Crane. I’ve seen it happen before.

FRASIER
Have you, Woody?

WOODY
Oh, sure. Back home, I was on the football team – the Fighting Heifers. We even had a live cow mascot. Anyway, we played our main rivals from French Lick in the championship game. We had a big fourth quarter lead, but we blew it and lost the game. Everyone in Hanover was really upset, our head coach worse than anyone. He even talked about suicide. I’m just glad the story has a happy ending.

FRASIER
So the coach finally snapped out of it, eh?

WOODY
No, he just got worse until 2 weeks later, when he shot and killed himself.

SAM
Woody, that’s awful, how does that story have a happy ending?

WOODY
Well, at the end of season team banquet, the mascot was delicious!

Next Scene, several minutes later, Diane is serving the table near Sam’s office door when a loud noise is heard from inside the office. Diane notices the sound and enters to investigate, just as Sam takes an object from the shelf and hurls it across the room.

DIANE
Good Lord, Sam!

SAM
Will you please get out of here?!

DIANE
Certainly not, Sam, I want to know what’s wrong!

SAM
(Yelling)You know exactly what’s wrong! (Suddenly calming down, and dropping down onto the sofa) I’m sorry, Diane, just please go.

DIANE
You know, Sam, Frasier is right, you can’t take this baseball thing so hard.

SAM
Diane it’s not about tonight.

DIANE
Well, then, tell me what it is about, you might just feel better.

SAM
(Mulls over whether he should tell her for several seconds, then he begins slowly, calmly, but sadly.) This brings back 1975. Do you know what happened during the 1975 World Series?

DIANE
No, of course not.

SAM
Right, right. In ’75, well, lets just say that was a time … that was a year when I was drinking a lot. And because I was drinking so much, I wasn’t a very good pitcher, and the manager didn’t use me very much toward the end of the season and in the playoffs. Just like this year, we made it all the way to the World Series. The Red Sox probably could have used a sober “Mayday” Malone, but he wasn’t there, and Cincinnati beat us in 7 games. For years, Diane, years, I felt like such a loser, like it was all my fault, like I let down the whole team and lost the World Series all by myself. You can’t imagine the guilt.

DIANE
Well, Sam, that’s a natural feeling, no matter how much it might not be true, but you had nothing to do with Boston losing tonight.

SAM
(Shaking his head as he waits a few seconds before continuing.)
You just don’t get it, do you? You know, when I played baseball, it was fun for me, but in the years I’ve owned this bar, I’ve learned something I didn’t know when I was playing - how much sports mean to my regulars, how much the Red Sox mean to them. How much the Red Sox mean to everyone in Boston - more than they did to me. Every one out there is miserable, because the Red Sox blew it. And right now, that old feeling is back in my gut, but even worse. Now, I don’t feel like I let down just myself, my teammates, or even Coach. I know that I let down all of New England.

(Ten seconds or more of silence)

DIANE
I’m sorry, Sam, I didn’t realise.

SAM
You couldn’t have known. Listen, please, don’t tell the guys, or anyone else, they don’t need to know this.

DIANE
Of course, Sam. Is there anything I can do to help?

SAM
Well, I’m not really in the mood for the horizontal hokey-pokey….

DIANE
I meant, Sam, that after closing we could go get a cup of coffee, and just talk.

SAM
No, this is something I just have to wrestle with myself. Just finish up your shift and go on home. And, thanks.

DIANE
All right, Sam. (Getting up to leave)
You know, Sam, nobody is always a winner. At some point, everyone is a loser. There is no shame in that.

SAM
(Mulls it over, for several seconds, then gets up very annoyed)
Wait a second, who are you calling a loser?

DIANE
Sam, you just called yourself a loser.

SAM
No, no, no, I just said I felt like a loser. I’m not a loser, I’m a winner, I’ve been a winner all my life.

DIANE
You mean, when you lost the World Series?

SAM
I’ll tell you another thing, Diane, I’m not such a loser that I couldn’t get another date for the ballet.

DIANE
Once again, Mr. Malone, you prove your ignorance, I chose to invite … (Stops herself, suddenly realising something.) Wait a second, how did you know that?

SAM
Huh?

DIANE
How did you know I didn’t take a date?

SAM
It’s true, isn’t it - you went with your old roommate, Rebecca?

DIANE
Yes, but how did you know? I didn’t tell you.

SAM
Frasier told me, so what?

DIANE
Frasier told you?

SAM
Yeah.

DIANE
Frasier told you? Why would Frasier tell you? Frasier wouldn’t just tell you. Unless….. Unless you asked him! You asked him! You asked Frasier who I took to the ballet. (During the rest of this speech, Sam should be shaking his head, making noises, interjecting to indicate he disagrees with and is denying what Diane is saying, but unconvincingly.)
Oh my poor, poor, dear Sam, you say you don’t care, you try to pretend you’re not jealous, but you’re still so in love with me that you’re spying on me, trying to find out who I might be dating. Oh, my. And who’s the loser now?
(Diane beams, and walks out of the office with a very smug, self-satisfied smile. After a few seconds, Sam goes to the door, yells out into the bar after Diane.)

SAM
“Mayday” Malone is a winner, Diane, a winner, who is going to have a dozen Playboy bunnies around here by the end of the week. So eat your heart out, baby!
(Sam lets the door swing closed, then drops down to the sofa again in exasperation.)
God, I’m such a loser!

FINAL COMMERCIAL BREAK
CREDITS
THE END

[samanddiane4eva]

Chips, that was an amazing story. You're a great writer and if you ever decide to write more Cheers fanfics, I will gladly read them.

[DTF955]

Great story. I loved Woody's story - "The mascot was delicious." What a classic line! And, it ties in nicely with the contiuity angle, before Sam and Diane actually do get married. I hope you enjoy my stories, though they mayb e a bit old, especially "Choices."