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Old 04-08-2014, 08:01 AM   #1456
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"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(After Ralph's idea to get the tooth out fails [him and Ed tied one side of a string on a doorknob and the other end on his tooth and they slammed the door shut only to have the doorknob come out], Ralph has a doorknob hanging out of his mouth.)

Ed: "I got an idea. We tie one side of a string on your tooth and the other side to the end of the car, I put the car in drive and vroom! Out goes the tooth."

Ralph: "You are an idiot!"

Ed (yells): "Maybe I am but I don't have a doorknob hanging out of my mouth."

"The Next Champ":

Mr. Amrstrong: "Is this (Ed Norton) you're fighter?"

Ralph: "No, he just looks punch-drunk."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph tries to get Art Carney's autograph for Alice.)

Art: "What's the name?"

Ralph: "My name is Ralph Kramden, but she knows that."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Nick and another guy offer Ralph a job and $600 before he starts it.)

Ralph: "$600, I don't know what to do first."

Ed: "I do."

Ralph: "What is that?"

Ed: "I wouldn't tell Trixie."

"Norton Moves In":

(Ralph and Norton are sharing the cot. Ed is having a cigarette.)

Ed: "Ralph, I dropped the match in the bed. Ralph?"

Ralph: "Nee na miz."

Ralph (feeling the lit match, yells): "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Nephew of The Bride":

Alice: "Aunt Ethel is only staying for a couple of days."

Ralph: "Yeah, those days are Decoration Day, fourth of July and Groundhogs Day."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(The phone rings.)

Alice: "Hello?" (poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."
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Old 04-09-2014, 08:07 AM   #1457
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"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They just called us 'Big' Ralph and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "We got money in the bank. Don't we?"

Alice: "Yeah, we do. $3.31."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "We must remove the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind. Do you follow?"

Ralph: "Not exactly but when you said 'Mental Block', I knew it had something to do with Norton."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "You just shattered another dream tonight. 'The Candy Store' dream we will call this one. You shattered it. When I was a kid, my dreams were shattered. I wanted a pony. I called it 'The Pony Dream.' That was shattered. My parents were broke. Both dreams shattered. The story of my life is shattered dreams."

Alice: "All right Ralph. I understand and I will make it up to you. You forget this 'Candy Store' dream and every Sunday, I will treat you to a pony ride."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: ""For one of a nail, a shoe is lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. And for one of a battle, a war was lost. And for one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Why don't you get lost?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ed is disguised as Ralph's son. Ed has Alice's wig on.)

Ralph: "My son has my wife's eyes."

Ed: "I also have her hair."
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Old 04-10-2014, 07:10 AM   #1458
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"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says that I have something that is on stage and stretches out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly have."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ed puts his cigarette in Alice's sink that is full of balloons.)

Ralph: "What kind of mind must a man have to put a lit cigarette in a sink loaded with balloons?"

Ed: "What kind of mind must you have to have a sink full of balloons?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down."

Ed: "How true. ’Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down.' Happens to me every day in the sewer."

"Vacation at Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish that he claimed that he had a big tug-of-war with.)

Alice: "This is the fish you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Stand-In for Murder Part 1":

Ralph: "Help yourself to the food."

(Ralph puts food that Alice cooked on his plate. Ed puts a lot more on his plate.)

Ed: "I don't want to eat too much. I just had supper."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"You're In the Picture":

Trixie: "You know, you can buy anything in here that is made out of straw."

Ed: "Good. I will buy you a broom."
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Old 04-11-2014, 08:06 AM   #1459
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"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "Oh, by the way, when Mrs. Weidmeyer comes in, it might be good if you complimented her on how she decorated this place. You know, she might give you a tip on how to fix up our place."

Alice: "I could sure use her help. I just can't figure out what color pan goes best under our ice box!"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"
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Old 04-12-2014, 08:02 AM   #1460
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"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How can I get there as fast as you?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Move Uptown":

Ed: "I would like to drink you a farewell toast."

Ralph: "You know that is awafully nice of you Norton. I would like to have a toast with you."

Ed: "Good. Got any wine around the house?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "$600! Peanuts, peanuts. What am I going to do with peanuts?"

Alice: "Eat 'em like any other elephant."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is it you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus."

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "'Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down.'"

Ed: "That's nice Ralph. 'Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down.' Happens to me every day in the sewer."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary couldn't even drip out."

"You're In The Picture":

Ralph: "I cut myself shaving this morning."

Alice: "You cut yourself shaving and you are only now starting to bleed?"

Ed: "That's understandable. With the way Ralph is built, it takes a long time for his blood to reach the surface."

"Without Reservations":

(All of them are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that. I think that they are holding up the wall."
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Old 04-13-2014, 08:16 AM   #1461
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"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(The Kramdens & Norton arrive in a VERY small car.)

Man: "These italian cars aren't exactly very big."

Ralph: "You're telling me. When I first saw this, I thought that it was a cigarette lighter."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat as much to help you stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."
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Old 04-14-2014, 07:04 AM   #1462
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"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's an old wives' tale Ralph. 'A man works from sun-to-sun but a woman's work is never done.'"

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph & Ed are thinking of what to name their dog food. Mr. Marshall will be one of the first people to taste it.)

Ed: "How about Kramden's Delicious Marshall."

Ralph: "What kind of stuff is Marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this stuff is. You might as well call it Marshall."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I am your brother."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "Don't be ridiculous. It's a Dutch door."

Ed: "Boy, those Dutch people must be very short."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Songs & Witty Sayings Part 1":

Alice: "Molly wally unga."

Ralph: "What does that mean?"

Alice: "That is Hawaiian for: 'Ahh, shut up.'"

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Do you know what a manager and a trainer get of the purse? A third. Do you know what a boxer can get? $300,000 to $400,000 a fight."

Ed: "A strong kid like that can fight five or six times a week."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(Ralph is trying to do an aptitude test.)

Ed: "A five-year-old can do this."

Ralph: "Don't worry. I'll do it."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(The doctor gives Ralph a word association test.)

Doctor: "Man."

Ralph: "Woman."

Doctor: "House."

Ralph: "Furniture."

Doctor: "Dog."

Ralph: "Cat."

Doctor: "Bus."

Ralph: "Those dirty rotten passengers."
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Old 04-15-2014, 08:24 AM   #1463
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Default Income Tax Day Quotes:

All from "The Worry Wart."

#1:

Ed: "The worst thing they can possibly do to you send you to the Federal pen."

Ralph (coming out of the bedroom, yells): "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SAY STUFF LIKE THAT FOR?"

#2:

Ed (reading the Income Tax book): "Did you get any income from rents, mortgages, annuities or chattels?"

Ralph: "Chattels? What's a chattel?"

Ed: "I guess it means did you make any money selling livestock."

#3:

Ralph: "Penalty For Failure To Report Income" (reading the book): "'All persons are required under this title to pay an estimated tax or tax or are required by this title or by regulations made under authority thereof, to make a return, other than a return required under the authority of section 6015 or section 6016, keep any records or supply any other information and anyone who willfully fails to pay such estimated tax or tax, make such a return or keep such records or supply such information.'"

Ed: "Boy, Ralph it sounds like you are in trouble."

Ralph: "In trouble?! I don't even know what I am talking about."

All from "Income Tax":

#1:

(Ralph reads some Income Tax info.)

Alice: "An idiot can figure that out."

Ralph: "Don't worry. I'll get it."

#2:

Ed: "I just got a new gift for Trixie. You know a gift that proves that I still love her."

Ralph: "What did you get her?"

Ed: "A new broom."

#3:

Alice: "Do you know that the milkman says that the price of milk is going down?"

Ralph: "That's what both of you say, but anyone check with the cow?"

All from "Flushing Ho":

#1:

Ralph: "I have to eat to drive a bus. That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you eat any more, than you won't be able to get in a bus."

#2:

(Ralph & Ed try to help each other with their taxes.)

Ralph: "I took depreciation off the furniture."

Ed: "Every 30 cents helps."

#3

Ralph (reading): "'Take 4% of the amount on line 4, column B above or tax shown on line 6 7C or 8 page 3, less the amount if any on line 9 page 3, or if tax table is used, then tax an item 7 on page 1 or %2 of taxable income line 5 page 3, if alternative taxes are applicable line 20 scheduledy or twice line 20, in case of a joint return.' Go ahead and help me with that."

Alice: "You got any idea of the answer?"

Ralph: "I don't even know what the question is."
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Old 04-16-2014, 05:11 PM   #1464
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"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "I don't want to take Trixie. I took her on my last trip. She was on my case. She told me I couldn't bowl, I couldn't play pool etc. She just ruined everything."

Ralph: "When was this?"

Ed: "On our honeymoon."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you are willing to give up your life insurance for this crazy idea? That settles it Ralph. That settles it. You have rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "All I can say is you will be tickled pink when Ralph comes home and says that him and me are going to buy a summer cottage for the four of us and it is only going to cost $989."

Alice: "You mean you are going to buy what for whom and it is only going to cost how much?"

Ed: "I can't tell you. It's a secret."

"Follow The Boys":

Alice: "Ed just learned a new word."

Ralph: "Oh, he knows three words now?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "I am no crackpot."

Doctor: "We don't use the word 'crackpot' Mr. Kramden. We use the word 'patient.'"

(Intercom rings.)

Doctor (answering the intercom): "Excuse me, I'm with a patient."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy. My leg won't go up."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it wouldn't go up."

Alice (starting to laugh): "If you keep talking like that, they will come with a net and take you away."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's a shame. If you are not buring yourself, it's my food."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's name Mrs. Norton?"

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you bring that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That's okay. It's pot roast."
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Old 04-17-2014, 07:13 AM   #1465
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"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here - save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(The house phone is ringing.)

Ralph: "I'm not answering it. I'm not answering it. Let ir ring, ring, ring because I'm not answering it."

Alice: "But they are playing your song."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed sits down and starts to eat Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "Gee, I hope he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidently causes Ralph to miss his shot in pool. Ralph is angry. He hits Ed's foot with his pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with his pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OW!"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I'M NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "YOU TRY TO WALK OUT OF THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN
THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't drop in here unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork three times a week."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "We are in a foregin country and in a foreign country, you got to live like a native.

Alice: "Ralph, in Brooklyn I live like a native."

"Six Months To Live":

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. "Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"
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Old 04-18-2014, 07:15 AM   #1466
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"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up a burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that is my idea of a burn."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He is in the library."

Ed: "The library?"

(Ed looks at watch.)

Ed: "He ought to be here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are in the automat across the street from the Cornelius Vanderbilt Statue.)

Ralph (reading the clues): "'Cornelius will be watching you...'"

Ed: "Wait a minute."

(Ed walks away, goes through the revolving door, and then he comes back.)

Ralph: "Now, what did you just do?"

Ed: "Okay, Corny is watching us."

"King Of The Castle":

Alice: "I thought you were leaving forever."

Ralph: "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't come by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."
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Old 04-19-2014, 07:47 AM   #1467
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"Norton Moves In" (Color):

(The Nortons come down and ask if they can spend the night since they can't stand the smell of the new paint in their house. Alice okays it. They leave. Ralph is still asleep.)

Ralph: "3am? Why did you wake me up at this time for?"

Alice: "Because the Nortons had their apartment painted today."

Ralph: "Did that newsflash just come across the radio?"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "You are a doer and I'm a thinker."

Ed: "You certainly are."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."
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Old 04-20-2014, 08:09 AM   #1468
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Default Easter Quotes:

All from “Easter Hats”:

#1:

Ralph: “Your sister's husband doesn't have the expenses I do. He lives in a low rent district! And besides what are you always talking about buying clothes. What are you trying to do? Get on the list of the ten best dressed women?”

Alice (holding broom): “Yeah. I almost made it this year, but the Duchess of Windsor nosed me out!”

#2:

Ralph: “A new hat? What about the hat I bought you for your birthday?”

Alice: “You mean the one with all the ostrich feathers on it?”

Ralph: “That’s the one.”

Alice: “Some hat. Every time I put it on I feel like burying my head in the ground.”

#3:

Ralph: “Ninety five cents a dozen for eggs?????”

Alice: “That's what they cost, Ralph. A week ago these same eggs cost seventy cents a dozen.”

Ralph: “I can't understand it. A week ago these eggs sold for seventy cents… Now they're ninety five cents a dozen? What does the farmer do? Go into the hen house where the chickens are sitting, and say "hold it" till the prices go up?”

"On Stage":

Ed (reading the script): "'I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of...'" (mispronouncing):"...'poloponies.'"

Ralph (reading the script): "'I feel very...'" (not reading): "String of..." (mispronouncing): "...poloponies?"

Ed: "It says so right here."

(Ralph looks.)

Ralph (yells): "THAT'S POLO PONIES."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "All right. We'll flip a coin to see where the set goes. Gimme a coin."

(Ed gives Ralph a coin.)

Ralph: "All right. Heads, I win. Tails, you lose. Right?"

(Ralph flips.)

Ralph: "Tails, you lose."

Ed: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you don't mind, will you mind giving me back my coin?"

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Alice, where's my shoehorn?"

Alice: "It's in the top, left-hand drawer."

(Ralph looks.)

Ralph: "It's not in the top-hand, left-hand drawer."

Alice: "It must be there."

Ralph: "It must be. It must be but it's not. Don't say 'It must be' Alice. What you mean is maybe. Not must be, maybe."

(Alice looks in the drawer and finds it.)

Alice: "This must be it, maybe."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Nick and another man see Ralph so they can get him a job in which he will be killed.)

Ralph: "I have been driving for the Gotham Bus Company for 14 years and I hate to leave that job if this job wasn't steady."

Nick: "Steady?"

Man: "I'll tell you, you will have this job for as long as you live."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and anybody."

"Santa & The Bookies":

(Lefty and his boss just picked Ralph for their Santa.)

Lefty: "We sure picked ourselves a beaut."

Lefty's Boss: "When Easter comes, we can use him for a bunny."

"Run, Santa, Run":

(Ralph is in his Santa suit.)

Ralph: "If I do real good, can you get me a job as an Easter bunny?"

Sidney (aka "Mr. Smith #1"): "If you do real goo,d I will give you a job in February as a Groundhog."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(Ralph is showing the girls the "rabbit" he killed. The "rabbit" doesn't even look real. It looks like something you would find in a kids' room.)

Trixie: "This (the "rabbit") is what you came to Africa for?"

Alice: "What was he doing when you shot him, coloring Easter eggs?"
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Old 04-21-2014, 07:17 AM   #1469
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"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"Hero Part 1":

Alice: "Let me ask you something Ralph. WHen was the last time you ever lifted 400 pounds?"

Ed: "This morning when he got out of bed."

"Expectant Father":

Ed: "My little kid grow up from a little guy. Education: Grammer school, high school, then on to college. When he gets out of college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Reluctantly, Ralph let the stage manager put lipstick on him so that it will make him look better on the Mike Douglas Show. While the Kramdens & Nortons are on the show, Ralph kisses Alice.)

Alice: "Ralph, are you wearing lipstick?"

Ralph: "Shut up!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right. I hate you." (yells): "HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW, GET OUT."

Ed: "All right. What's the hint?"

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "What are you doing with all of that material? Making a bedspread?"

Alice: "No, I'm taking your pants out again."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ralph: "I am trying to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that could do it."
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Old 04-22-2014, 07:12 AM   #1470
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"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "I'm the boss. You're nothing."

Alice: "Big deal. You are the boss over nothing."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(Ed is gving the bottles to Ralph and saying what each and every bottle has. He picks up one of the bottles.)

Ed: "This is a tough one. 'Oliveoil.'"

(Ralph picks up the bottle and looks at the label.)

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that's going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow and talking to Ed's boss."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. You're my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We don't have to get the hotel ready until they build the highway."

Alice: "I think it would be easier if they built the hotel and we built the highway."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in their respective uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform barely fits.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yeah, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. It's going to be called: 'Punch & Judy.' And you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"
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