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Old 06-08-2014, 05:19 PM   #1516
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"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "I don't want to take Trixie. I took her on my last trip. She was on my case. She told me I couldn't bowl, I couldn't play pool etc. She just ruined everything."

Ralph: "When was this?"

Ed: "On our honeymoon."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you are willing to give up your life insurance for this crazy idea? That settles it Ralph. That settles it. You have rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "All I can say is you will be tickled pink when Ralph comes home and says that him and me are going to buy a summer cottage for the four of us and it is only going to cost $989."

Alice: "You mean you are going to buy what for whom and it is only going to cost how much?"

Ed: "I can't tell you. It's a secret."

"Follow The Boys":

Alice: "Ed just learned a new word."

Ralph: "Oh, he knows three words now?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "I am no crackpot."

Doctor: "We don't use the word 'crackpot' Mr. Kramden. We use the word 'patient.'"

(Intercom rings.)

Doctor (answering the intercom): "Excuse me, I'm with a patient."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy. My leg won't go up."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it wouldn't go up."

Alice (starting to laugh): "If you keep talking like that, they will come with a net and take you away."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's a shame. If you are not buring yourself, it's my food."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's name Mrs. Norton?"

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you bring that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That's okay. It's pot roast."
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Old 06-09-2014, 07:55 AM   #1517
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"One Big Happy Family":

Ralph: "That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you ate more, you wouldn't be able to fit in a bus."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "From now on, you are to address me ina civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I have become Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man but it's the same old bull."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Trixie: "This set is Ed's legally."

Ralph: "Oh, so it's legally his. It's legally his. What law school did you go to? I was unaware that they had a law school at Minsky's."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ed: "Tell Ralph that he's a low-down skunk."

Alice: "Ed says that you are a low-down skunk."

Ralph: "Tell him that he's a miserable bum."

Alice: "He says that you are a miserable bum. So, Low-Down Skunk meet Miserable Bum."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."
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Old 06-10-2014, 08:04 AM   #1518
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"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "I don't want to take Trixie. I took her on my last trip. She was on my case. She told me I couldn't bowl, I couldn't play pool etc. She just ruined everything."

Ralph: "When was this?"

Ed: "On our honeymoon."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you are willing to give up your life insurance for this crazy idea? That settles it Ralph. That settles it. You have rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "All I can say is you will be tickled pink when Ralph comes home and says that him and me are going to buy a summer cottage for the four of us and it is only going to cost $989."

Alice: "You mean you are going to buy what for whom and it is only going to cost how much?"

Ed: "I can't tell you. It's a secret."

"Follow The Boys":

Alice: "Ed just learned a new word."

Ralph: "Oh, he knows three words now?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "I am no crackpot."

Doctor: "We don't use the word 'crackpot' Mr. Kramden. We use the word 'patient.'"

(Intercom rings.)

Doctor (answering the intercom): "Excuse me, I'm with a patient."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy. My leg won't go up."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it wouldn't go up."

Alice (starting to laugh): "If you keep talking like that, they will come with a net and take you away."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's a shame. If you are not buring yourself, it's my food."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's name Mrs. Norton?"

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you bring that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That's okay. It's pot roast."
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Old 06-11-2014, 07:58 AM   #1519
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"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know that I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you get out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a man that died from stubbing his toe."

Man: "How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the edge of the Grand Canyon."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Good thing that I have a brain to figure these things out for us."

Ed: "You sure do Ralph. You can think of smart things to get yourself out of the dumb things that you get yourself into."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."
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Old 06-12-2014, 07:10 AM   #1520
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"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Six Months To Live" (Color):

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, I must be nuts to go out every night when I have a darling wife at home."

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."
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Old 06-13-2014, 05:14 PM   #1521
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"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to straighten up with his bad back. He stands up straight but in an unnatural way.)

Ralph: "Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is impatiently waiting for Ed to get out of the bathtub so he can take a bath. Ralph is worried that he will be late for work with all the waiting that he is doing.)

Alice: "We will make a schedule. One morning, Ed will use the bathroom first. The next morning, you will use it first."

Ralph: "That solves the whole problem. Now, I will only be late every other day."

"The Mexian Hat Trick":

(Ralph is disguised as El Diablo and Ed is disguised as El Norto at the El Bar-Ocho Cafe. Banging is heard as a Mexican is thrown out of the kitchen and falls onto a table thereby breaking it. You can tell that the table was fake.)

Ralph: "What was that all about?"

Bartender: "He wanted to join El Lobo's gang."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, why don't we just mail in our application?"

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "This is serious, Norton! Not only that my back hurts, but, I'm half hot and I'm half cold! My head is red hot and my feet are ice cold! Do you know what it is to have a hot head and cold feet?"

Norton: "I get that way any August day in the sewer during high tide."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(Phone rings.)

Alice: "Hello?" (poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

"Flushing Ho":

Ed: "Hey Ralph, I dropped the soap somewhere in the bathroom. You will have to find it."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Ed (yells): "I SAID..."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK TO ME LATER." (slipping on soap, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "How long is the lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "What is the usual?"

Ralph: "99 years."
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Old 06-14-2014, 12:06 AM   #1522
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"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How can I get there as fast as you?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Move Uptown":

Ed: "I would like to drink you a farewell toast."

Ralph: "You know that is awafully nice of you Norton. I would like to have a toast with you."

Ed: "Good. Got any wine around the house?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "$600! Peanuts, peanuts. What am I going to do with peanuts?"

Alice: "Eat 'em like any other elephant."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is it you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus."

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "'Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down.'"

Ed: "That's nice Ralph. 'Be kind to the people you meet on the way up because you are going to meet the same type of people on the way down.' Happens to me every day in the sewer."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary couldn't even drip out."

"You're In The Picture":

Ralph: "I cut myself shaving this morning."

Alice: "You cut yourself shaving and you are only now starting to bleed?"

Ed: "That's understandable. With the way Ralph is built, it takes a long time for his blood to reach the surface."

"Without Reservations":

(All of them are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that. I think that they are holding up the wall."
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Old 06-15-2014, 08:13 AM   #1523
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Default Father's Day Quotes:

"Here Comes The Bride":

Alice: "Ralph, how could you talk like that. Agnes had plenty of chances. Stanley wasn't the only one who wanted her to get married. There were plenty of others!!"

Ralph: "Sure there were others. I can think of three myself: her mother, the father & the caterer."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ralph is making a reference to him being caught between two pipes.)

Ralph: "It wasn't my fault Alice. It wasn't my fault."

Alice: "No, it wasn't your fault Ralph. It wasn't your fault at all. You were just doing your impression of two pounds of bologna in a one pound bag."

"Funny Money":

Alice's Mom: "By the way Sonny Boy, Father's back has been giving him a lot of trouble lately. A trip to Florida would do him good and the fare's only $100."

Ralph: "Ah ha! So that's what you came over for. $100. You got some case."

Alice's Mom: "Oh no! That has nothing to do with it and besides what's $100 to a man like you?"

Ed: "Why of course. Just a little while ago, he gave the repairman $100 to get the clicking out of the phone."

Ralph: "Well, I guess you're right. What's $100? Just a mere bag of shells." (taking the "money" out): "All right." (giving her the money): "Here you are. Send the old man down to Florida."

Alice's Mom: "You know, I hate to send Father alone. He really ought..."

Ralph: "Oh no. You got $100. Be glad you got that or I will take that back."

Alice's Mom: "Well, I guess when Father's away, I'll stay here with you and Alice."

Ralph: "Wait a minute. Here's the other $100."

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "Your father would have been beautiful answering those questions."

Alice: "And just what makes you think he couldn't?"

Ralph: "All I know is that your mother has been asking him the same question for a long time and he hasn't been able to answer yet."

Alice: "What is that question?"

Ralph: "Why don't you get a job?"

"The Prowler":

(A prowler is in the building.)

Alice: "I don't want to stay in here awake all by myself."

Ralph: "Why don't you get your mother? She knows what it's like to have people coming into her house in the middle of the night. Ask your father."

"The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my father. They used to call us 'Big' & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your father, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Barney introduces his gang members to Ralph & Ed.)

Barney Hackett: "These are my boys."

Ralph: "Lovely family."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

(Ralph got out of bed to give Ed a cigarette. Ralph goes back to bed.)

Ralph: "Aren't you going to smoke that cigarette?"

Ed: "This isn't for now. It's for the first thing in the morning."
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Old 06-16-2014, 07:56 AM   #1524
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"Catch A Star":

Alice: "Ralph, if you think that you are going to get Jackie Gleason to come to this dance of yours, you are out of your mind."

Ralph: "There she (Alice) is: Happy Mildred!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

(Ralph is at the psychiatrist's office.)

Doctor (to Ralph): "You are going to like this. This is fun. This is an aptitude test."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and me."

Ed: "This poolroom isn't big enough for you and anybody."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "You're not stopping me. I am loaded with ideas."

Alice: "Anybody who hears those ideas will sure think that you are loaded."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Another tail may be hanging from this Raccoon cap. Then another and another. Pretty soon, I can become a thirteen-tail man. Do you know that that is like Alice, to be a thirteen-tail man?"

Alice: "It must be pretty special since a monkey only has one."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried saying "Boomph" to get out, like he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There isn't a key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Follow The Boys":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."
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Old 06-17-2014, 08:08 AM   #1525
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"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How long do you think it would take one man if he sold all of these (Handy Housewife Helpers) if we went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."
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Old 06-18-2014, 07:55 AM   #1526
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"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK? I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE WILL LOOK BEAUTIFUL."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH! DON'T TEMPT ME."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test Mr. Kramden. You are supposed to take an object and fit it in its respective hole."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furnutire is good enough for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But just because that you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I am a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."
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Old 06-19-2014, 08:08 AM   #1527
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"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "I'm the boss. You're nothing."

Alice: "Big deal. You are the boss over nothing."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(Ed is gving the bottles to Ralph and saying what each and every bottle has. He picks up one of the bottles.)

Ed: "This is a tough one. 'Oliveoil.'"

(Ralph picks up the bottle and looks at the label.)

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that's going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow and talking to Ed's boss."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. You're my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We don't have to get the hotel ready until they build the highway."

Alice: "I think it would be easier if they built the hotel and we built the highway."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in their respective uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform barely fits.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yeah, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. It's going to be called: 'Punch & Judy.' And you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"
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Old 06-20-2014, 07:20 AM   #1528
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"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie just said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "What did she think of me?"

Alice: "Well, she said that you are the biggest thing on TV."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Are you sure that you can type faster than me?"

Ed: "With boxing gloves on."

"One Big Happy Family":

Alice: "One morning, Ed will use the bathroom first. The next morning, you will use the bathroom first."

Ralph: "Well, that solves my whole problem. Now, I will only be late every OTHER day."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know."

Ralph: "The only thing empty around here is your head."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary coundn't even drip out."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at that Fun & Sun Capital of the World."

Ed: "What is he doing down in Perth Amboy?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Barney Hackett shows off his gang to Ralph & Ed.)

Barney: "These are my boys."

Ralph: "Lovely family."

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."
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Old 06-21-2014, 08:12 AM   #1529
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"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed is wearing one of Trixie's dresses.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smoke that cigar?"

Ed: "Please, it's the only link left to the old me."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How can I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will see hamburges, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What could I guy want that is down in the sewer that he needs $2 right away?"

Ed: "Today is pay day, and the guys have a dice going around down there. Well, you might as well call it a floating crap game."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Flakey Wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "But take away from your fat little waist."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"
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Old 06-22-2014, 08:00 AM   #1530
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"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph thinks he just got nominated Raccoon of The Year.)

Ralph: "Alice, something happened to me today that is probably, and without a doubt. One of the finest things to ever happen to me in my life. There isn't anything in the world that could have happened to me that is better than what happened to me today! And if you guess for a million years - for a million years - you couldn't guess what it was that happened to me today!"

Alice: "Well, there's only one thing I can think of from the way you are acting. You've been named Raccoon of the Year in that silly lodge of yours."

"A Dog's Life":

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "OH ALICE! OH ALICE!"

Ed: "There it is. The voice of doom."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing" (1954 version):

Trixie: "Maybe the radiator needs some water."

Ralph: "Well, now that's very clever and which one of the Pep Boys are you, Manny, Moe or Jack? If I had any water, I would put it in there."

Trixie: "Ralph, I was only thinking..."

Ralph: "Well, don't think. Just keep your mouth shut."

Ed: "Just a minute. You seem to have forgotten that she's my wife and I don't like you yelling at her that way." (to Trixie, yells): "NOW STOP THINKING AND SHUT UP!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice accidently throws her pool cue.)

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, wasn't I?"

Ralph: "Not if we are playing pool but if we are javelin throwing, we are."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ed: "I filed a lawsuit once. The lawyers claimed that I didn't even have a case."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I was working in the sewer and a manhole cover fell on my head."

Ralph: "Why couldn't you win the case?"

Ed: "I couldn't prove it did any damage."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Every time I play cards, I lose. Every single time then after when I get home, I tell Trixie I lost. She gets mad at me. She hollers at me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. At work, I am sick all day."

Ralph: "Then why do you play for?"

Ed: "It's the only fun I get."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph are at the Help The Needy Society's caseworker's desk. Ralph's jacket is very ripped because of Ed Norton trying to make Ralph look like a bum.)

Ralph: "I am a needy case. Look at me."

Ed: "This is his Sunday suit."

"The Loudspeaker":

Alice: "I suppose you were cold sober the night you came home, went into the bedroom, stuck your head out and yelled: 'Hey Mrs. Gallagher, why is your cat doing in my apartment?'"

Ralph: "I'll ask you again. What was her cat doing in this apartment?"

Alice: "It wasn't her cat. You had your Racoon hat on backwards."

"Nephew of the Bride":

(Ralph wants to get rid of Aunt Ethel.)

Ed: "Why don't you put your head out the window and holler: 'Fire!'"

Ralph: "Suppose other people hear it? Then they will think the fire is real."

Ed: "Then you yell: 'Fire, Aunt Ethel.'"
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