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Old 04-14-2012, 08:19 AM   #1
Frank Gannucci
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Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
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Default Episode Reviews: "Income Tax", "One Big Happy Family", "The Worry Wart"/"Flushing Ho"

Episode Reviews: "Income Tax", "One Big Happy Family", "The Worry Wart"/"Flushing Ho"

With Income Tax Day coming up, I thought I would post these.

Episode #26 (Syndicated episode #65)
TV: Attached to "Manager of The Baseball Team" (1953 version.)
VCR: Attached to "My Fair Landlord."
DVD: Attached to "Songs & Witty Sayings" & "Norton Moves In." On the Lost Episodes Restored DVD Box Set, it is attached to “Honeymooners Xmas Party” (’52 version), “Glow Worm Cleaning”, “Alice Plays Cupid”, “Suspense”, “Lost Job”, “Anniversary Gift”, “Alice’s Aunt Ethel”, “What’s Her Name”, “Lunch Box”, “Hot Tips”, “Norton Moves In”, “Ralph’s Diet”, “Dinner Guest”, “Manager of The Baseball Team” (’53 version) & “Dorsey Bros. Show.”

The episode opens up with Ralph going crazy looking for his Income Tax form. He also said he went over one form several times before finding out that it was an old bowling score. Ha!

He and Alice eventually sit down to try to do the Income Tax form. Ralph reads the instructions. Alice asks Ralph if he knows what to do. Ralph says he doesn't know what the instructions are much like in "The Worry Wart" where Ralph reads the "Penalty For Failure to Report Income" section.

After Ralph reads some of the instructions, Alice says an idiot can figure that out. Ralph: "Don't worry. I'll get it." Basically, Ralph just admitted that he's beyond an idiot. Ha!

Ed Norton comes down. He says he just got Trixie a gift that proves that he still loves her. You know what it is? A new broom. Ha. Ralph tells Ed how much of a hard time he is having by doing his Income Tax form. Ed: "Maybe you'll get pneumonia by March 15th." Yes a folk, during this time, Tax Day was on March 15th. Ralph wonders why. Ed says that is the best time to catch that sickness. After that, Ed leaves.

Ralph and Alice go over the form some more. Ralph reads over all the insurance about injuries and such. Alice says that he hasn't experienced any of them. Ralph: "I guess I am the unluckiest guy in the world." Ralph talks about the how costs are going up. Alice counters by saying that the cost of milk is going down. Ralph: "That's true, but has the cow said that milk is going down? No."

Finally, Ralph has figured that he owes $15 but he is planning on using that $15 to buy a new bowling ball. A priest comes by and asks for some money. Ralph gives him the $15. Ralph then goes on to make a speech saying how great a country America is.

Episode #100 (Syndicated episode #59)
TV: Half-hour.
VCR: Attached to "Lost Baby."
DVD: Attached to "Finders Keepers" & "Kramden Vs. Norton." On the Lost Episodes Restored DVD Box Set, it is attached to “”Peacemaker”, “The Adoption”, “Stars Over Flatbush” & “A Weighty Problem”

This episode's film quality is not exactly 100% perfect. As you watch this episode, you will notice a line appearing on the screen AT ALL TIMES EVEN ON DVD. On the Lost Episodes Restored DVD Box Set, a cleaner copy (with no line) was used. Anyhow, back to the episode. Ralph is demanding complete silence while he is doing his taxes. So when Trixie comes in and they only make minor noises, Ralph comes out all mad and is saying he needs silence when he is doing his taxes. Alice offers to help. Ralph obliges and as she is doing it, he yells in her ears to throw her off. It doesn't work. She does her end perfectly even with Ralph yelling. That doesn't say much for Ralph, doesn't it? Ed Norton comes down. He is having a tough time doing his taxes too. They compare income and expenses like one of Ralph's ideas which is making Secaucus, New Jersey a honeymooner's paradise, and when Ralph realizes that he and Norton between them are paying $90 a month in rent, he proposes that they pool their money and share an apartment. Ralph says that he knows Ed's faults and if he himself had any, Ed would know it. Gee, Ralph is 100% perfect? Something about that doesn't make sense.

The Kramdens and Nortons take a look at an apartment in 23 Mockingbird Lane in Flushing, Queens, New York. Years later, Mockingbird Lane would be that famous street on The Munsters. Ralph says that the kitchen is in a room all by itself. The benefits of the move are immediately obvious: at Chauncey Street the view from Ralph's window was the back of a Chinese restaurant; from the new apartment he can see the front of a Chinese restaurant. They take the apartment, but they don't know who should get the bigger bedroom. Ralph, of course says that he and Alice will take it. Ed Norton says that we will run this apartment like a democracy. Ralph says that we will but he and Alice will take the big bedroom. Ed: "Fine Ralph, have it your way but remember on this date April 9, 1955 (the day this episode aired on TV by the way), will go down as one of the biggest blows to democracy that has ever happened. It's all as you were then except you are theres." Ed says that when Ralph gets into that bedroom, it will be a small bedroom and not a big one. They announce that they took the apartment. Ralph: "That is it. One big happy family." Ralph and Ed sing which causes someone upstairs to complain. Ed: "It's just like home."

During the next scene, that line that appears on the screen now turns into a bigger white line for a few seconds before shrinking back to its original size. The euphoria of new surroundings wears off quickly though, when Norton spends all morning in the bathtub washing a toy boat while Ralph's waiting to bathe before going to work. When Ralph finally gets into the bathroom he takes a tumble on the soap Norton dropped on the floor and then can't get any hot water. Ralph tries to salvage his morning with a few waffles but Norton gets to them first, causing more friction. Ralph complains that Norton is only caring for himself and that last night there was two meatballs and that Ed grabbed the big one. Ralph: "If I were you, I would have grabbed the little one." Ed: "What are you complaining about? You got the little one." Today is Ed's day off. Ralph yells about the fact that Ed kept him waiting for a bath and he didn't have to go to work so he challenges Ed to a fight which ends when Ralph realizes that Ed has his glasses on and he can't punch him with glasses on.

Things are no better that night; everything Norton does--eating, tapping on the table, cleaning his eyeglasses--drives Ralph crazy. Ralph complains about Ed being selfish. Alice asks Ralph to look at a broken toaster. Ed says that the radio stat conductor is not making proper conduct with the electro curl. Translation: A screw is loose. Ed asks Ralph to put a knife on the loose screw while Ed plugs in the toaster. Alice is actually not smart enough to stop Ed and Ralph. Ralph is getting "electrocuted." Ralph throws Norton out which causes the man upstairs earlier to complain. Ralph (yells to the guy): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT!" Man (yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT." D'oh! Ralph reads the newspaper and listens to the radio. Ed comes back in and turns on the TV to Captain Video and His Video Rangers even though judging by the noise; it looks like a Western show. They complain. Ralph turns up the volume on the radio louder which causes Ed to turn up the volume on the set. They act like babies, each turning up the volume up on each of their respective appliances that they are using. The radio "blows up." Ralph pulls the plug on the TV set. He complains to Trixie. Trixie: "You don't have to take that from him. Put it back in." Ralph and Ed yell at each other. Soon Ralph and Norton, Trixie and Ralph, and Alice and Trixie are squabbling. The superintendent of the building comes down and kicks the blabbermouths from Bensonhurst out of the apartment house. Alice scolds Ralph for ruining the one good idea he ever had. Ralph says that he takes the fault. Ed says that he takes the fault and the episode ends with Ralph and Norton quarreling over who was to blame for the whole mess.

Episode #134 (Syndicated episode #18)
TV: Half-hour.
VCR: Attached to "A Matter of Life & Death." On certain VHS tapes, it is attached to “Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large” (aka “Tapped.”)
DVD: Attached to episodes #23 - #30 (or #31) of the classic 39.

I recently came upon this from this message board. This message was from Powerbangzoom. So, for this review, I thought I would post the whole script.

"The Worry Wart"

Episode Number: 107 Season Number: 4 First Aired: April 7, 1956

(Frank’s note: Actually this is episode is either 119 or 134 depending on the fact that all of the lost episodes that were written in the Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD Booklet.)

Writer: Marvin Marx, Walter Stone

Director: Frank Satenstein

Staring: Jackie Gleason (Ralph Kramden) Audrey Meadows (Alice Kramden), Art Carney (Ed Norton), Joyce Randolph (Trixie Norton)

Guest Star: Warren Parker (Richard Puder)

Joyce Randolph (Trixie) is not present in this episode.


Scene #1:
(The Kramden's apartment. Enter Ed Norton.)

NORTON
Hey, Ralph. Oh, Ralph, in there. Ralphie Boy!

(Alice enters from the bedroom.)

ALICE
Hi, Ed.

NORTON
Oh. Oh, hi, Alice.

ALICE
Ralph isn't home yet.

NORTON
Oh, he's not home yet? Well, I tell you what I came by to see him about. You remember that last year when Ralph had those three tickets... the four tickets it was- to the World Series?

ALICE
- Yeah.

NORTON
You know, you and him took Trixie and me to the game. We had a good time and everything. Well, I felt that it was just about my time to reciprocate, and, uh, and, uh, well, do you a good deed. I, uh, was just wondering if you'd like to join us Sunday. We're going to Madison Square Garden.

ALICE
Oh, Madison Square Garden. What's playing there now?

NORTON
The Antique Show. Boy, I'm telling you, and I was lucky to get the tickets, too. Just fortunately, there's a friend of mine that, uh, that's a scalper. You know, those... oh, those tickets are harder to get; they're scarcer than hen's teeth.

ALICE
But, Ed, the Antique Show? Since when did you become so interested in antiques?

(They both sit down at the table)

NORTON
Oh, I've been interested in antiques quite a while. Sort of a hobby, you know? It eh, I came across it accidentally. I was, uh... well, I'll tell you how it happened. I was in the market for a dog, see? So I was looking in the paper, I'd seen this ad:...For sale, genuine four-legged Chippendale... So I sent away for it. And it came back a table. That's how it happened. What do you say? You wanna jern us Sunday?

ALICE
Well, thanks for the invitation, Ed, but I don't have to go
to Madison Square Garden to look at antiques. (Looks around apartment.)

NORTON
Oh, I dig ya, I dig ya, Alice. I know just what you're talking about. Well, look, just don't take this antique business too lightly, because if you've got some real genuine antiques here, they could be worth a fortune. Say, as a matter of fact, I tell you what I'll do. (Stands up.) I'll just look around here, examine a few of these pieces, free of charge, and let you know. You may have something here worth a lot of money.

ALICE
Well, go ahead, Ed, if you want to, (Stands up) but I doubt you'll find anything around here that's worth any money.

NORTON
Well, you...Ooooh... Oh! (Looking towards the icebox) Wait a minute now. Let's take that icebox. That is a very interesting piece.

ALICE
Look, Ed, eh, while you're looking around, would you excuse me? I got some things to do in the bedroom.

NORTON
Go right ahead. I'll examine the icebox and I'll eh give you a complete detailed report- when I'm through.

ALICE
- All right. (Exits to the bedroom)

NORTON
Yep. (Walks over to icebox and taps the top a few times) Uh, Alice, I'm not quite sure, but this could be early Ma and Pa Kettle. Yes, sir. (Looks inside icebox) I...Say, this is very interesting. (Pulls out a turkey and puts it on top of the icebox) Yeah. I, uh... (Grabs a leg and starts eating it) I'm looking underneath the icebox now, Alice. (Kicks it a few times) Mmm, now I'm looking in back of the icebox. (Kicks it again) I'm examining the legs now, Alice.

(Ralph walks in while Ed is eating a turkey leg from the icebox)

Dum da dum dum…All I hope is, when they do my life on Dragnet, they leave my name out to protect the innocent.

RALPH
You put that turkey back or they'll be doing your life on Medic. Alice, I'm home!

ALICE
Be right out, Ralph.

RALPH
Heh, look at this.

NORTON
What?

RALPH
Boy, this kills me. Bills, bills, bills. Why doesn't anybody send me a letter or something? Ah, there's a relief. Postcard. Wonder who it's from. Pretty sneaky, the gas company, to a send a bill on the back of a postcard.

NORTON
Oh, boy, that ain’t the worst of it. Now everybody in the building
Knows what you're paying for your gas bill.

RALPH
What are you talking about?

NORTON
Mrs. Schwartz, that blabbermouth, she looks at all the postcards,
and then yakety-yak-yaks all over the building.

RALPH
- You're kidding?

NORTON
- I'm not kidding. I know how much your gas bill is. 93 cents.

RALPH
- That's right.

NORTON
- See? Oh, by the way, Ralph, congratulations on that 93-cent gas bill. Mrs. Schwartz told me that you broke the all-time low gas bill record, set by the Kalyer brothers in 1931.

(Alice enters from the bedroom)

ALICE
Hiya, Ralph. (They hug)

RALPH
Hiya, honey.

ALICE
Sit down, honey, and I'll have your dinner on the table right away.

(Ralph sits down and Ed sits on his right.)

RALPH
All right. Norton, uh, don't you have to go upstairs and have supper?

NORTON
I already ate.

RALPH
Well, aren't you gonna be a little uncomfortable, sitting here
Watching Alice aid I eat?

NORTON
Oh thank you, Ralph. If you put it that way, I'll be glad to stay. All right, Alice, I'll have a little order of spaghetti and meatballs, light on the marinara, heavy on the shoot one with a feather and hold the mayo!

RALPH
I thought you already ate.

NORTON
Well, let's face it, Ralph. Dizzy Dean warms up in the bullpen before the game, but he still pitches.

ALICE
There's plenty of food, Ralph.

RALPH
Hey.

NORTON
What?

RALPH
Here's a little letter. (Alice puts down food for Ralph and Ed) I've been waiting for this from the Bureau of Internal Revenue, the Tax Department.

ALICE
Oh, yeah, I noticed that when I was bringing the mail up today.

RALPH
Oh, why didn't you tell me it was here? I've been waiting for this.
Do you know what this is? My tax refund.

(Alice sits down with her plate on Ralph's left.)

NORTON
Hey, hey, hey, how much you getting back, Ralph?

RALPH
Well, the way I figured it out, about $42. And it couldn't have come at a better time. I'm gonna blow this whole thing on two glorious weeks. Vacation, fishing at Fred's Landing. Isn't that gonna be fun, hon? I hope we get that same tent we had last year.

ALICE
That ought to be easy. Tell ‘em we want the one with the snake in it.

RALPH
Norton, I'm telling ya, you should've been with us. You would've died laughing. I thought I was gonna kill myself laughing, watching her run away from that snake. Ho-ho.

(Looking worried) Guess you're right. There's nothing to worry about.

ALICE
No, honey. Come on, eat your supper.

RALPH
Couldn't be anything important.

ALICE
Mm, sure it isn't.

RALPH
(Slams the table with his hand) …WHAT could they want with me for?! … (Stands up, stares at letter)

ALICE
Ralph, you're building this whole thing up in your mind. It's probably nothing.

RALPH
Probably nothing? Probably nothing?! Look, Alice, if it was nothing, they would've sent me a letter saying... Dear Mr. Kramden, don't come down tomorrow. What do you mean nothing? This isn't the Girl Scouts you know. They don't want me down there to buy cookies. This is the United States
Government, the Treasury Department. They don't want me down there to shake hands with the Secretary of the Treasury.

NORTON
You got any ketchup, Ralph?

RALPH
Huh? Uh... (Goes to icebox and gets ketchup, puts it down next to Norton) (Looking at Alice) what could I have done that's wrong?

ALICE
Listen, Ralph, I don't like to say this, but if you did anything wrong; it's your own fault.

RALPH
What do you mean, it's my fault? How can it be my fault if I did something wrong?

ALICE
You shouldn't have made out your own tax, Ralph. I told you to go down to the barber shop and get somebody to do it who knows how.

RALPH
Are you gonna start with the... I told you so's... Alice?

NORTON
(Interrupting Ralph) Hey, you got any piccalilli or chow-chow or something like that?

RALPH
(Walks over to icebox and gets a jar and puts in down next to Norton) Is that what you're gonna start with, the... I told you so's? Don't give me any...I told you so's... now, cause they're not gonna help me.

ALICE
Listen, Ralph, probably the only thing you did was deduct something that you shouldn't have. So now you have to pay tax on that deduction. They're just gonna take the money out of your refund.

RALPH
Oh, is that all they’re gonna do? They're just gonna take it out of my refund? It so happens, Alice that I was planning on that refund in its entirety. I need all of the refund, all $42. I can't afford to let any of the forty two go. I got to go down to Fred's Landing. I need $42. What am I gonna do if I haven't got enough money?

ALICE
We'll just have to cut down, Ralph. Tell Fred to give us a cheaper tent with a smaller snake.

RALPH
Oh...

NORTON
(Interrupting again) Got any bread, Ralph?

RALPH
Yes. (Pushes Norton) Will you stop with the bread?!

(Norton and Alice stand up)

NORTON
What did I do?! What, what?!

RALPH
What's the matter with you? Can't you realize I'm in serious trouble? The government is investigating me.

NORTON
So, they're investigating. What are you getting excited about? Be calm, will ya? Be calm.

ALICE
- He's right, - Ralph.

NORTON
Don't fly off the handle. That's not getting ya anyplace.

RALPH
Maybe you're right.

NORTON
Take first things first.

RALPH
Right, thank you.

(They all sit back down)

NORTON
Now, the first thing was, you was getting me some bread. Where is it?

RALPH
Now! All right, Alice. Get in the bedroom, Alice! Get in the bedroom, cause I'm gonna kill him.

ALICE
- Ralph.

RALPH
- When I finish with you, there’ll be piccalilli all over Bensonhurst.

(All standing back up again)

ALICE
Ralph!

RALPH
Don't... Ralph... me! What, are you sticking up for him? Don't you realize how serious this is? They're investigating me.

ALICE
Ralph, being investigated is not the end of the world. You are not the first person who was ever investigated.

NORTON
You're darn right, the jails are full of them.

RALPH
All right. Norton, I'm gonna count to five. And when I get to five, you'd better be out that door. Now I'm gonna count.

NORTON
I'm not scared of you. If you could count, they wouldn't be investigating your taxes.

RALPH
Get out!

(Norton exits quickly. End scene)

SCENE #2(Kramden apartment. Ralph alone at table looking at a paper)


RALPH
Eight and five are thirteen...Thirteen and six are nineteen. Nineteen and two are twenty-one. Twenty-one and five are twenty-six. Twenty-three and twenty-nine...

(Alice enters from bedroom in her robe)

ALICE
- It is 2:00. Ralph, will you come to bed?

RALPH
- Shh! Twenty-nine aid four is 33. It is 2:00. Thirty-three and 2:00 is a qua... Alice, what are you tying to do to me? What are you tying to do to me? Do you want to see me go to jail?

ALICE
Ralph, you're letting this thing get the best of you. Now, will you stop worrying? Whatever it is you did wrong, Ralph, you'll find out tomorrow. And losing a night's sleep is not gonna to help the matter any.

RALPH
Oh, (Stands up) I suppose getting a night's sleep is gonna fix everything up
fine. Sure, I'll go down there tomorrow aid they'll say, Mr. Kramden, did you get a good night's sleep? And I'll say... Sure...They'll say... well, that's fine, let’s call off the investigation...They're not interested in sleep. Their job is taxes. They're not gonna send me to jail for insomnia.

ALICE
They're not gonna send you to jail, Ralph.

RALPH
Oh listen to Chief Justice Alice Kramden. Boy, you know a lot about a lot of things tonight, don't you? You know about taxes, you know about sleep, you know about jail. You ought to go on The $64,000 Question. That's what you ought to go on, The $64,000 Question. You know what your category is? Everything!

ALICE
Ralph, I'm gonna make you a glass of nice, warm milk now. Maybe it'll make you drowsy and help you relax and then you'll be able to go to sleep. You haven't even read the evening paper yet, Ralph. (Goes over to dresser and gets the newspaper and puts it down on the table) Here, now you just sit down and look at the paper, and just try and forget about this investigation for a while.

RALPH
All right, sweetheart. (Sits down)

ALICE
That's fine. (Pats Ralph's arm to comfort him)

RALPH
Just have to relax, that's all. (Picks up paper and starts reading) Right. Here's an item. Says that they're building a new highway in Tibet.

ALICE
Oh, really?

RALPH
It's going all the way from Tibet to Mongolia. Says it'll cut five hours out of the trip for everybody that's going there.

ALICE
Oh. That's wonder...

RALPH
(Interrupts Alice, slaps table and stands up) What do they want me down there for?!

ALICE
Ralph, will you get a hold of yourself?

(Ed Norton enters)

RALPH
Don't.-

NORTON
Hey, what's going on down here? All you're yelling and everything,
you woke me up!

ALICE
- Oh...

NORTON
- Boy, what a...

ALICE
Ralph's still very upset bout this tax business.

NORTON
Boy, I, I, I tell ya, I 'm surprised at you, Ralph, carrying on the way you...So what if they're investigating your taxes? What can they do to you? Can the put you up n front of a firing squad?

RALPH
No, they can't.

NORTON
Can they push you over a cliff?

RALPH
(Sits down) No, they can't.

NORTON
Can they string you up there at the end of a rope?

RALPH
No, I guess they can't.

NORTON
All right, then. Nothing can happen to you. What possibly can happen to you? What are you worried for?

ALICE
He's right, Ralph. Now come on, let's go to bed. (Exits to bedroom)

RALPH
(Stands up) Thanks, pal. (Shakes Norton's hand)

NORTON
All right, now, just go in there and get a good night's sleep.

RALPH
All right. (Exits to bedroom)

NORTON
(yelling into bedroom door) The worst thing they could possibly do to you is send you to the federal pen.

(Ralph enters from bedroom very excited)

RALPH
What are you starting with that stuff for?! Now, look, will you go upstairs? I gotta sit down and figure out what kind of a mistake I made. I gotta have some answers for them tomorrow when I go down there. (Picks up newspaper and slams it on the table) Highways with Tibet! (Sits at table)

NORTON
Look, uh...maybe I can give you a little hand in this? I majored in arithmetic in vocational school.

RALPH
All right, see what you can make of this thing. I'll take any kind of help.

NORTON
(Sits down on Ralph's right) Let me see the form here….Uh, what is this amount here? One...1053622?

RALPH
What amount? One 0... That's no amount. That's my social security number.

NORTON
I thought maybe it was your weight.

RALPH
Now, would you tell me why I'd put my weight down on an income tax report?

NORTON
How should I know? You're the one there being investigated.

RALPH
Wait a minute. Look. Maybe I made a mistake on one of these business deductions. Now, you listen and if you think that I'm entitled to what I deducted, you let me know.

NORTON
- Go ahead.

RALPH
- If not, let me know that, too. Now, I took off the cost of my cleaning the uniform...

NORTON
Right.

RALPH
My union dues, my driver's license. Now, I took off $80 I spent entertaining Freddy Muller, you know, every time there was an opening for traffic manager.

NORTON
Yeah. Yeah. That's all, they’re all legitimate. I take off the same kind of things on my income tax eh, I take off my union dues eh, deductible, and I take off when I have my rubber boots vulcanized, I take off when I have my lunch box water-proofed, and uh I take off 25% off my rent when I use my apartment for business reasons.

RALPH
Business reasons? You work in a sewer. What possible business could you conduct, could you possibly write off in your apartment?

NORTON
I practice in the bathtub.

RALPH
You practice in the bathtub, and they're investigating my taxes.

NORTON
Look, they're probably not interested or, or, or, or... don't believe your deductions. What they're looking for is items that you didn't put down on the form. Mainly, unreported income.

RALPH
What do you mean unreported income? I only work for the bus company. I don't have any other jobs.

NORTON
Well, uh little other things that you forget to put down. You know, like...you got a tax book here? (Shuffles around papers on table and picks up a booklet) Yeah, this thing. Wait a minute. Let me look. (Thumbs through it mumbling)

RALPH
Come on with that thing! Bla, bla , bla. Bla, blo.

NORTON
Here we are, here....Examples of income that must be reported: Eh, salaries... well, we know that's okay. Uh, did you have any income from annuities, rents, mortgages or chattels?

RALPH
Chattels? What's a chattel?

NORTON
I don't know, I guess it means; did you make any money selling livestock?

RALPH
How can you think that I made any money selling livestock?

NORTON
All right, all right, so far, so good. Now here's the next item...income from interest on loans, bonds or bank accounts...

RALPH
You have to pay a tax on interest of bank accounts?

NORTON
Oh, sure, of course. You got to pay a tax on everything. It's income. Get your bank book.

(Ralph stands up, goes to dresser and pulls out the bankbook. He sits back down while reading it)

RALPH
75 dollars.

NORTON
Income on interest, bank account, $75.

RALPH
That's not the interest, that's the bank account! Interest comes to about $2.25.

NORTON
$2.25. (Writes it down) Now... income from tips, gratuities or bonuses...

RALPH
We didn't get any bonus this year. The boss gave us all a skinny chicken.

NORTON
Well, you, uh, got any idea what the skinny chicken was worth?

RALPH
About... $2.00, I guess.

NORTON
(Writing) One skinny chicken...$2.00...Now, then, eh, next is item, income from gambling winnings...

RALPH
You mean to tell me they tax gambling winnings?

NORTON
Sure, its income, ain’t it?

RALPH
Let's see, I won about $25 throughout the year playing pool.

NORTON
(writing) ...$25, shooting pool...

RALPH
Then I got that first prize over at Salvatore's Pizzeria.

NORTON
Yeah.

RALPH
High score on a pinball machine. They gave me that horse with the stomach in its clock. I mean the clock in its stomach. Let's see...

NORTON
That's a_

RALPH
-That was worth about $15.

NORTON
(writing) ...Uh horse with clock in stomach......$15.00...well, you see, now, these are the items that they're checking up on you. There's no doubt about that.

RALPH
Then there was that uh... the $5 I won at the Raccoon picnic, wining the three-legged race.

NORTON
(writing) ...Three-legged race, $5...

RALPH
Hey, wait a minute.

NORTON
What?

RALPH
Remember about six mouths ago, we had the all-night poker game?

NORTON
- Yeah.

RALPH
- I won $85.

NORTON
Eighty five dollars?!

RALPH
You think they could have found out about that?

NORTON
Boy, that's a large amount of money. Now, that's the kind of an item they’re really investigating ya for... (writes) $85.00...

RALPH
What can they do for me...you know, what can they do to me if I don't put this stuff down in my income tax?

NORTON
I don't know, maybe it's, maybe it's in the book here someplace.

RALPH
Let me see the book…. (Grabs book and thumbs through it) Here it is.

NORTON
What?

RALPH
Penalty for failing to report income: All persons are required under this title to pay an estimated tax, or tax, or are required by this title, or by regulations made under authority thereof to make a return, other than a return, required under authority of Section 6015 or Section 6016, keep any records or supply any information and who willfully fails to pay such estimated tax, or tax, make such return, keep such records, or supply such information….

NORTON
Boy, Ralph, it sounds like you are in trouble.

RALPH
Trouble? I don't even know what I'm talking about! What am I gonna do, Norton?

NORTON
Hey, wait a minute! When you get down there tomorrow, I got the idea. Stand on the 18th Amendment.

(Ralph stares at Ed and stands up. Ed stands up with him)

RALPH
Are you nuts or something? Stand on the 18th Amendment? You mean stand on the Fifth Amendment. The 18th Amendment was for prohibition.

NORTON
Well, that's just what I mean. Tell them you were drunk when you made out your taxes.

RALPH
You know what this means, Don't you, Norton? (Pointing towards the door and up)

NORTON
- Oh, yeah.

RALPH
- You know what it means.

NORTON
Sure!
(Norton exits)

RALPH
I was drunk when I made out my income taxes. (Sits at table and looks at papers)
(End scene)

SCENE #3
(Scene opens inside the IRS office. Ralph enters hesitantly with Norton right behind him)

RALPH
(Looking around) There's nobody here. Do you think maybe they forgot about it?

NORTON
They don't forget about nothing. Just, let's sit down, try to relax.
Be calm, don't be nervous.

(They both sit.)

RALPH
I want you to know, I appreciate you coming down with me.

NORTON
Do you think for one minute that I'd let you come down here by yourself in the state that you're in? Now just try to relax, be-be –be calm. Don't be nervous.

RALPH
I've been thinking it over. What am I worried about? What have I got to worry about?- I'm an American citizen.

NORTON
- Yep.

RALPH
Got my rights, I'm a taxpayer.

NORTON
If you were a taxpayer, you wouldn't be down here right now.

RALPH
Well, I'm telling you this, if they get anything out of me, it's not gonna be out of me that they get it. Let him find out. I'm not telling him anything. He wants to find out anything, let him find it out. I'll be no help to him. Just keep calm and cool. Calm and cool.

(Enter Mr. Puder from an adjoining office left of set.)

MR. PUDER
Mr. Kramden.

(Ralph and Norton both jump up frightened)

RALPH
Hey, there!

MR. PUDER
Which one of you men is Mr. Kramden?

RALPH
Hamina hamina hamina

NORTON
Uh, he's Kramden. I'm clean.

RALPH
Norton...

MR. PUDER
Just step over here, Mr. Kramden. (Sits down at his desk, left of set. Ralph and Ed walk over and stand near desk) Here we are. Ralph Kramden. Now, Mr. Kramden? (looking at Ralph and Ed)

RALPH
Abla-bla-ble

MR. PUDER
What did you say?

NORTON
No, that's just his way of uh, remaining calm and cool.

RALPH
No, it's, uh... I didn't do it. I didn't do it!

MR. PUDER
I know you didn't. I know you didn't do it. That's why we called
you down here.

RALPH
Huh?

MR. PUDER
Your signature, Mr. Kramden. You didn't sign your tax form. Now, all you have to do is sign it right here, and then you can go.

RALPH
You mean, all I have to do is sign this and...I can go out and go home and there's nothing else?

MR. PUDER
That's all, Mr. Kramden.

RALPH
(Looks at Norton) Oh, baby…. (Leans over and signs paper) There you are.

MR. PUDER
Thank you very much, Mr. Kramden.

RALPH
Thank you. Good-bye.

MR. PUDER
- Good-bye.

RALPH
- Good-bye. (Backing out)

NORTON
Come on, Ralph.

RALPH
Bye! Heeh-heeh-he-he…

(Ralph and Norton exit then re-enter)

RALPH
I gotta tell ya somethin, Mr. Puder. I didn't put everything down on my income tax. Not because I didn't want ta put it down, I just didn't know that I was supposed to put it down. On account, I didn't ever have any of those things that he told me about (pointing at Norton), that I have to put down. I wouldn't cheat the government.

MR. PUDER
Cheat the government?

RALPH
Well, I... certainly not, I wouldn't cheat ‘em. But I just didn't know about these deductions. You know, for instance, there was the horse with the clock in its stomach. There was the skinny chicken. And there was the three-legged race at the Raccoon picnic. I didn't put any of that down. But I want to put it down now and I want to pay tax on all of it: The horse and the picnic and everything.

MR. PUDER
Well, that's very honest of you, Mr. Kramden.

RALPH
Thank you.

NORTON
Uh - uh, sir? I'd like to make a confession at this time. Uh, a few little items that I didn't put down on-on my income tax form. During the past fiscal year, I found three dollars that was floating by me in the sewer.
(Ralph hits Norton)

MR. PUDER
I want to thank both of you gentlemen. Now, you can list your additional uh income on this form here. Mail it in to me and I'll see that it goes on your record. (Hands Ralph a form)

RALPH
- Thank you very much.

MR. PUDER
- And I want to thank both of you gentlemen for your honesty. Thank you.

NORTON
Thank you, sir.

(Ralph and Ed start walking toward the door. Norton opens it and walks out. Before Ralph leaves he turns around to address Mr. Puder.)

RALPH
Just like you to understand, that Ralph Kramden will never be accused of not putting a horse down with a clock in its stomach.

(Ralph exits and closes door. Camera pans over to Mr. Puder who looks confused.)

THE END

Credit for the script for the "Worry Wart" goes to sitcomsonline.com/honeymooners.

Episode #185 (Syndicated episode #18)
TV: One hour long musical.
DVD: Attached to "Hair To A Fortune" & "The People's Choice." On the Best of Color Honeymooners DVD, it is attached to “Sun & Raccoon Capital”, “Two Faces of Ralph Kramden” & “Double Trouble.”
Color Honeymooners Episode Title: "Flushing Ho"
Lost Episode Title: "One Big Happy Family"

Ralph is demanding complete silence while doing his taxes, so when he hears noise on the streets like hollering and yelling on Chauncey Street, he yells at all the people on the street to get away from his building. The Ice Cream man comes pushing an ice cream cart and says to Ralph, he has a peddler's license. Ralph: "Get on your bicycle and start peddling." The Ice Cream says that all men are equal. Ralph still says for him to get away from his building. He gets Callaghan, the cop and asks him if there is a city ordinance against loud and unnecessary noise on the streets. Callaghan says there is and tells Ralph to stop yelling or he would be put in jail. Ha! The Ice Cream man leaves. The Roasted Peanuts man comes by and Ralph yells at him to get away. Then, the Pizza Man comes by. Ralph yells at the pizza man but then tells him to make him to pizzas with anchovies and send them up to 2B. We finally know Ralph's apartment number.

Ralph is now in his apartment looking for his paper that had his social security number on it. Alice tells Ralph that is in the top bureau drawer. Ralph thinks that he found it. Ralph: "56-68-73." Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought." Ralph is getting more upset. He finally finds the paper. Alice offers to help Ralph with his taxes. Ralph is having a hard time understanding one of the questions. Ralph says that it is too hard and doesn't care if he gets sent off to jail. Alice asks Ralph why he doesn't fill out the short form and Ralph says it's because he needs to put down his business deductions like getting his uniform cleaned last year. It costs him $3 every time he got it done once last year. Alice suggests taking a straight 10%. Ralph says that all Alice does is spend, spend, spend. He complains about the time that Alice spent money for a 100 watt bulb for the bathroom. Ralph: "'Ralph, I want the ice box painted.' 'I want a curtain for the bedroom window.' Why do we need a curtain for the bedroom window? All you see is a brick wall. You are not married to Nelson Rockefeller." Alice: "I got news for you Ralph. You are not married to Happy either." She goes into the bedroom. Ed Norton comes in. He is having a tough time doing his taxes too. He puts his glasses on for the first time in the four months he had them. Ed talks about deductions that he has like getting his rubber boots vulcanized, taking a course on becoming a lifeguard and candles. Ed: "When the candle goes out, that means that there is no air and it's safe to breathe." They talk about their business losses like the $125 they spent on that uranium field in Asbury Park and the $200 they sunk on that fund to make Hoboken, New Jersey a Honeymooners paradise. They also talk about the lawyer's fees when they went into bankruptcy. Ed: "We didn't pay them yet." Ralph: "We'll put it down as a bad debt." There's no way you can do that in real life. After doing a little math, Ralph figures that he has $3,165.12. Ralph thinks that he made a mistake because he doesn't even have the 12 cents. Ed: "The 12 cents is living expenses." When Ralph realizes that he and Norton between them are paying $65 a month in rent, he proposes that they pool their money and share an apartment in a swell neighborhood, like Flushing. Ralph says that he knows Ed's faults and if he himself had any, Ed would know it. Gee, Ralph is 100% perfect? Something about that doesn't make sense. They sing: "Let's Consolidate."

The Kramdens and Nortons take a look at an apartment in 23 Mockingbird Lane in Flushing, Queens, New York. Ralph: "We are used to much better." Ed: "We lost a lot of money in the Mentalated Dental Floss Crash." Ralph says that the kitchen is in a room all by itself. Ed asks for the bedroom with the North light so it will help him with the painting as far as seeing the numbers go. Huh? (The apartment did need painting.) Ralph has plans as far as putting Ed's furniture in the apartment in the living room and not his. Alice: "We can't mesh two periods: early modern and early depression." Ralph was going to donate his furniture. One of the benefits of the move is immediately obvious: at Chauncey Street the view from Ralph's window was the back of a Chinese restaurant; from the new apartment he can see the front of a Chinese restaurant. They take the apartment, but they don't know who should get the bigger bedroom. Ralph: "That is it. One big happy family." They sing: "One Big Happy Family."

The euphoria of new surroundings wears off quickly though, when Norton spends all morning in the bathtub washing a toy boat while Ralph's waiting to bathe before going to work. When Ralph finally gets into the bathroom, Ed says: "I think the people on bus #802 are going to get theirs today." Ralph takes a tumble on the soap Norton dropped on the floor and then can't get any hot water. Ralph accidentally sits down on Ed's boat. Ralph tries to salvage his morning with a few waffles but Norton gets to them first, causing more friction. Ralph complains that Norton is only caring for himself and that last night there was two potatoes and that Ed grabbed the big one. Ralph: "If I were you, I would have grabbed the little one." Ed: "What are you complaining about? You got the little one." Ralph is late and tells Norton to get ready for work. Today is Ed's day off. Ralph yells about the fact that Ed kept him waiting for a bath and he didn't have to go to work so he challenges Ed to a fight which ends when Ralph realizes that Ed has his glasses on and he can't punch him with glasses on. You can actually see the camera zoom out a little too much and see part of the real stage. Ed: "It's too bad Ralph isn't on color TV. When his face gets red like that, it's sensational."

Ralph gets home after a day's work. Things are no better that night; Ralph not seeing the bathroom since he moved in. Norton comes in with painting attire. Everything Norton does--whistling, singing, tapping on the table, folding the paper, cleaning his eyeglasses—drives Ralph crazy. Ralph complains about Ed being selfish as far as food goes. Ed also ate a whole pie much to Ralph's chagrin as well as having four pork chops compared to Ralph's six. Alice asks Ralph to look at a broken toaster. Ed says that the electro curl is not connected to this screw here. Translation: A screw is loose. Ed asks Ralph to hold the knife on the loose screw while Ed plugs in the toaster. Alice is actually not smart enough to stop Ed and Ralph. Ralph is getting "electrocuted." Ralph throws Norton out which causes the man upstairs earlier to complain. Ralph turns on the radio. Ed comes back in and kicks Ralph out since it's his apartment. Ed turns on the TV much to Ralph's chagrin. Ralph yells at Ed to turn off the TV. Ed & Ralph yell some more. Ed turns on the TV with the volume turned up and Ralph turns up the volume on the radio. Alice turns both electronics off. The guy from upstairs complains. Ralph (yells to the guy): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT!" Man (yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT." Ralph warns Ed not to turn on the set or he will throw it out the window. Ed says to Trixie that Ralph warned him not to turn on the TV. Trixie & Ed sing: "Why Do You Act So Defenseless and Weak?" Ed says that if he put the TV plug back in, he would get hit by Ralph. Trixie does it. Ralph comes out. Ed says: "Trixie turned it on. Hit her." Ralph and Ed yell at each other. Soon Ralph and Norton, Trixie and Ralph, and Alice and Trixie are squabbling. You can see part of the real stage again. The superintendent of the building comes down and kicks the blabbermouths from Bensonhurst out of the apartment house. Alice scolds Ralph for ruining the one good idea he ever had. Ralph is upset that it was his and Ed's fault. They all agree to move back into their old apartments. All four of them sing: "Two Big Happy Families."

At the curtain call, Jackie has a cup of coffee and introduces the cast.
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