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Old 03-20-2017, 02:17 AM   #766
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an elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, it was properly shaped for swimming so he fixed it up by putting some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, peach and apple trees around it. One evening he decided to go down to look it over since he hadn't been there in a while. Before he left, he grabbed a five gallon bucket to get some fruit. As he got closer he heard some giggling, laughing and talking. He got closer and saw it was a group of young girls skinny-dipping. He walked over and they became aware of his presence and swam to the deep end. One of them shouted "We're not getting out until you leave!" The old man said "I didn't come here to make you get out of the pond naked or stop swimming." He held up the bucket. "I came down here to feed the alligator!"

Some old men can still think fast!
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 03-22-2017, 08:25 PM   #767
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What do you call Mr. Bunker when he's being stuck-up and stiff? Starchy Archie.
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Old 03-23-2017, 10:15 PM   #768
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A man was walking down a pier and saw a fisherman catching loads of fish. He asked him what he used as bait and the fisherman said he was a doctor and used extracted organs from surgery.

The man returned to the pier the next day and saw another fisherman catching loads of fish. That fisherman was also a doctor.

On the 3rd day, the man saw a fisherman with huge catches of fish, more than the other two men had. He asked him, "Doctor, what are you using as bait?" and the fisherman answered, "I'm not a doctor, I'm a rabbi."
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Old 03-23-2017, 11:53 PM   #769
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What do you call a cat that travels in a straight path? A bee-line feline.
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Old 05-22-2017, 12:00 PM   #770
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A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!"
The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
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Old 05-28-2017, 08:17 PM   #771
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Why isn't a hand twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
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Old 08-07-2017, 08:35 PM   #772
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MERGER TIPS FOR 2017: For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2017:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
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Old 08-07-2017, 10:56 PM   #773
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termite walks into a bar and says "Hey where's the bar tender?"
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Old 08-07-2017, 11:14 PM   #774
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Default How do you keep a fish from smelling?

Cut off its nose.
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Old 09-06-2017, 08:51 AM   #775
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A woman goes into a home decorating store and asks a clerk about their wallpaper selection.

"We have numerous designs," he says. "Not only that, we specialize in applying it to the walls for you."

"Well," the woman says, "if I buy my wallpaper here, can I put it on myself?"

"Of course you can," the clerk says, "but it looks better on the walls."
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Old 10-10-2017, 03:23 AM   #776
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A guy walks into a physiatrists office and says "Doc, I need your help-I sometimes dream I'm a wig-wam and other times I dream I'm a teepee." The physiatrist said "I see your problem, you're two tents!"
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Old 10-10-2017, 06:02 PM   #777
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Jerry asks Fred how his trip to Africa was, and Fred tells him it was great. "I went on a safari and saw lions, antelopes, rhinos . . .."

Just then Jerry notices the lucky charm Fred is wearing. "What's the lucky charm for?" He asks Fred.

"Oh, this," says Fred. "I wore it in Africa to keep tigers away from me. I hate tigers."

"There are no tigers in Africa," Jerry says.

Fred replies, "See how good it works?"
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Old 10-14-2017, 12:46 AM   #778
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Old 10-14-2017, 12:03 PM   #779
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Why did the golfer bring an extra sock to the golf course? In case he had a hole in one.
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