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Old 09-06-2017, 08:51 AM   #766
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A woman goes into a home decorating store and asks a clerk about their wallpaper selection.

"We have numerous designs," he says. "Not only that, we specialize in applying it to the walls for you."

"Well," the woman says, "if I buy my wallpaper here, can I put it on myself?"

"Of course you can," the clerk says, "but it looks better on the walls."
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Old 10-10-2017, 03:23 AM   #767
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A guy walks into a physiatrists office and says "Doc, I need your help-I sometimes dream I'm a wig-wam and other times I dream I'm a teepee." The physiatrist said "I see your problem, you're two tents!"
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 10-10-2017, 06:02 PM   #768
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Jerry asks Fred how his trip to Africa was, and Fred tells him it was great. "I went on a safari and saw lions, antelopes, rhinos . . .."

Just then Jerry notices the lucky charm Fred is wearing. "What's the lucky charm for?" He asks Fred.

"Oh, this," says Fred. "I wore it in Africa to keep tigers away from me. I hate tigers."

"There are no tigers in Africa," Jerry says.

Fred replies, "See how good it works?"
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Old 10-14-2017, 12:46 AM   #769
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Old 10-14-2017, 12:03 PM   #770
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Why did the golfer bring an extra sock to the golf course? In case he had a hole in one.
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Old 12-01-2017, 08:46 AM   #771
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The fact that there is a HIGHWAY TO HELL
and only a STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
says a lot of
anticipated traffic numbers
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Old 12-20-2017, 02:00 PM   #772
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe stupid!
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Old 12-20-2017, 04:39 PM   #773
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If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
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Old 12-20-2017, 06:04 PM   #774
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How do I get my hair cut? Off.
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Old 12-27-2017, 12:29 PM   #775
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Got this in an email, thought I would share,

HOW TRUE IT IS...


The rules of rural Ohio are as follows:

1. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'dirt road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
2. They are cattle. They're live steaks or walking milk bottles. That's why they smell funny to you, get over it. Don't like it? Rt 30 goes east and west, I-77 goes north and south. Pick one.
3. Pull your droopy pants up, you look like an idiot.
4. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
5. So you have a $60,000 car, we're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in rural Ohio waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and three does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat scrapple, pot pie, funnel cakes, haluskie, pierogies, shoo-fly pie, apple butter, chow-chow, and schnitz un knepp. Don't like the sound of them or the names freak you out because you never saw a "Bon Appetit" article on them? Great, more for us!
9. The 'opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held on the Monday after Thanksgiving. And Yes.. We sometimes close schools for this!!!
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce, and Heinz ketchup. Oh, yeah...we don't care what you folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat. It's not really chili.
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, and have long hair.
15. College and high school football are as important here as the Browns and Bengals and a lot more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards---it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and Country. They still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks who have been in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard - OH has one of the highest percentages of veterans in the entire country. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump-thump stuff is not music anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to # 3.
20. Four inches isn't a blizzard--it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense, and don't take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. You're not in Alaska. Worst case you may have to live a whole day without your croissants. The pickups with snow plows will have you out the next day.

A true Ohioian will copy and post this on their timeline. Everyone else can leave town!
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Old 12-27-2017, 12:43 PM   #776
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[QUOTE=Foggy]Got this in an email, thought I would share,

HOW TRUE IT IS...


The rules of rural Ohio are as follows:

1. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'dirt road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
2. They are cattle. They're live steaks or walking milk bottles. That's why they smell funny to you, get over it. Don't like it? Rt 30 goes east and west, I-77 goes north and south. Pick one.
3. Pull your droopy pants up, you look like an idiot.
4. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
5. So you have a $60,000 car, we're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in rural Ohio waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and three does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat scrapple, pot pie, funnel cakes, haluskie, pierogies, shoo-fly pie, apple butter, chow-chow, and schnitz un knepp. Don't like the sound of them or the names freak you out because you never saw a "Bon Appetit" article on them? Great, more for us!
9. The 'opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held on the Monday after Thanksgiving. And Yes.. We sometimes close schools for this!!!
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce, and Heinz ketchup. Oh, yeah...we don't care what you folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat. It's not really chili.
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, and have long hair.
15. College and high school football are as important here as the Browns and Bengals and a lot more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards---it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and Country. They still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks who have been in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard - OH has one of the highest percentages of veterans in the entire country. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump-thump stuff is not music anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to # 3.
20. Four inches isn't a blizzard--it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense, and don't take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. You're not in Alaska. Worst case you may have to live a whole day without your croissants. The pickups with snow plows will have you out the next day.

A true Ohioian will copy and post this on their timeline. Everyone else can leave town!


Same goes for Michigan! Howdy Neighbor!
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Old 12-28-2017, 06:55 PM   #777
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So Penny ( howdy do neighbor)
How much S N O W do you have?
And how do you like the warm (Brrrrrrr) weather?
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Old 12-28-2017, 07:20 PM   #778
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foggy
So Penny ( howdy do neighbor)
How much S N O W do you have?
And how do you like the warm (Brrrrrrr) weather?

By Christmas morning there was 7" of snow in our area(Flint). We almost didn't go out. We were expected to have dinner and gift exchange at my daughter's house. At around noon the sun came out so we decided to go. The roads were very slippery but we know how to drive on them. It has been very cold. But tomorrow it will "warm" up to 16 degrees. This has been the coldest Christmas season that I can remember. Usually the temps range from 20-30+ degrees. Cold weather really doesn't bother me. As long as I don't go outside! I'll take the cold over 90 degree weather any day! Stay warm!
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Old 12-29-2017, 02:53 PM   #779
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Cold is OK, but these frigid temperatures (single digits and below) have to go.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrr.... staying warm is easy as long as the power doesn't go off...lost power a couple days ago for about a half hour, outside temperature was 4 degrees.


Anyway bake to the jokes....

It was so cold outside---- the other day I saw Bronze Statutes with coats and wool scarves on.
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Old 12-29-2017, 06:53 PM   #780
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What kind of sports car does a cat drive?

A Furrari.
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