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Old 01-30-2012, 09:34 AM   #691
Frank Gannucci
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Default Monday's Quotes:

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "I want you to know Alice that it was pretty lonely here without you."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why don't you talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I would be happy to if you only go away once and a while."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(The boys are playing poker.)

Ralph: "Why are you raising everybody if you are going out for?"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For you information, I happen to be four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippopotamus."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Hey Ralph!"

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "Mind if I smoke?"

Ralph: "I don't care if you burn."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph and Ed are looking at a vaccum.)

Ed: "I can say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph has his hands near the sink. Water isn't coming out after Ralph turned one of the knobs.)

Alice: "Somebody upstairs must be using water. You know the water runs bad in this building."

Ralph: "Well, that's just fine."

Alice: "Would you have some paitience Ralph? The water will be on in a minute."

Ralph: "Okay, Alice I will be patient. I will put my hands under the faucet here and wait for the wtaer. It might take hours. It might take days. But I will be here very patiently for the water..."

(Hot water along with steam comes out and the hot water hits Ralph's fingers.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph thinks that Alice is cheating on him.)

Ed: "I will follow Alice like a regular hawk. I will follow her to the ends of the earth."

(Ed hums the "Dragnet" theme as he leaves. He soon comes back.)

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I lost her on the stairs."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."
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Old 01-31-2012, 09:35 AM   #692
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Default Tuesday's Quotes:

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How long do you think it would take one man if he sold all of these (Handy Housewife Helpers) if we went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."
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Old 02-01-2012, 09:41 AM   #693
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Default Wednesday's Quotes:

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF
MY BACK? I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE WILL LOOK BEAUTIFUL."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH! DON'T TEMPT ME."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test Mr. Kramden. You are supposed to take an object and fit it in its respective hole."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friend's hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electrocute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I am a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary coundn't even drip out."
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Old 02-02-2012, 09:44 AM   #694
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Default Thursday's Quotes:

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up a burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that is my idea of a burn."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He is in the library."

Ed: "The library?"

(Ed looks at watch.)

Ed: "He ought to be here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are in the automat across the street from the Cornelius Vanderbilt Statue.)

Ralph (reading the clues): "'Cornelius will be watching you...'"

Ed: "Wait a minute."

(Ed walks away, goes through the revolving door, and then he comes back.)

Ralph: "Now, what did you just do?"

Ed: "Okay, Corny is watching us."

"King Of The Castle":

Alice: "I thought you were leaving forever."

Ralph: "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Why don't you take advantage of the time you have now and go to sleep."

Ralph: "You're right. Sorry I yelled at you. Good night."

(Ralph goes to the bedroom. The alarm clock rings. It's 5am. Time to go to work for Ralph. Ralph brings the alarm clock out and has a weird look on his face while Audrey tries her best not to laugh.)

Ralph (yells): "IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK. IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed & Ralph are trying to think of a way to get that woman, as they refer to her as, out of the phone booth. Unbeknownst to them, the woman is Alice.)

Ed: "Why don't we go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home. She leaves. Then, we come back here to call up
the hypnotist."

Ralph: "Did you just say to go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home, then when she leaves, we use this phone to call up the hypnotist?" (yells): "I NEVER HEARD ANYTHING MORE STUPID IN MY LIFE. THIS PHONE WOULD BE BUSY IF WE DID THAT."
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:13 PM   #695
Frank Gannucci
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Default Friday's Quotes:

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

(The Nortons come down and ask if they can spend the night since they can't stand the smell of the new paint in their house. Alice okays it. They leave. Ralph is still asleep.)

Ralph: "3am? Why did you wake me up at this time for?"

Alice: "Because the Nortons had their apartment painted today."

Ralph: "Did that newsflash just come across the radio?"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "You are a doer and I'm a thinker."

Ed: "You certainly are."

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Trixie: "Someday Ed, you are going to ask me to do something for you."

Ed: "I am asking you right now. Leave."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "This is only one of the branches of this bank."

Ed: "That is good for us."

Ralph: "Why?"

Ed: "Because if he doesn't give us the money, we can borrow a few bucks from each of the other branches."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."
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Old 02-04-2012, 09:34 AM   #696
Frank Gannucci
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Default Saturday's Quotes:

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Ralph Kramden Inc."

Ed: "Is that the crunchy kind of peanut butter?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."
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Old 02-05-2012, 08:27 AM   #697
Frank Gannucci
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Default Sunday's Quotes:

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "Can I use your phone?"

Ed: "No, Trixie is dressing."

Ralph: "But the phone is in the kitchen."

Ed: "That is where she is dressing. There is no window shade in the bedroom."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "What theme should we use for the dance?"

Ed: "How about the Vikings discovering America?"

Ralph: "You want to use that theme in the Sons of Italy hall?"

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "Your mom's apartment is too small for us."

Alice: "You didn't say that when we lived there before. Mother's apartment is getting smaller."

Ed: "Yeah, but Ralph is getting bigger."

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Head of The House":

Ralph: "Men are responsible for the shape the world is in."

Alice: "Well, I am glad to hear one of you finally admit it."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We can knock down those cobwebs."

Alice: "I wouldn't do that Ralph. They are holding up the wall."
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Old 02-06-2012, 09:26 AM   #698
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Default Monday's Quotes:

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "I want you to know Alice that it was pretty lonely here without you."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why don't you talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I would be happy to if you only go away once and a while."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(The boys are playing poker.)

Ralph: "Why are you raising everybody if you are going out for?"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For you information, I happen to be four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippopotamus."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Hey Ralph!"

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "Mind if I smoke?"

Ralph: "I don't care if you burn."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph and Ed are looking at a vaccum.)

Ed: "I can say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph has his hands near the sink. Water isn't coming out after Ralph turned one of the knobs.)

Alice: "Somebody upstairs must be using water. You know the water runs bad in this building."

Ralph: "Well, that's just fine."

Alice: "Would you have some paitience Ralph? The water will be on in a minute."

Ralph: "Okay, Alice I will be patient. I will put my hands under the faucet here and wait for the wtaer. It might take hours. It might take days. But I will be here very patiently for the water..."

(Hot water along with steam comes out and the hot water hits Ralph's fingers.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph thinks that Alice is cheating on him.)

Ed: "I will follow Alice like a regular hawk. I will follow her to the ends of the earth."

(Ed hums the "Dragnet" theme as he leaves. He soon comes back.)

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I lost her on the stairs."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."
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Old 02-07-2012, 09:43 AM   #699
Frank Gannucci
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Default Tuesday's Quotes:

"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph & Alice are fighting the rent increase by doing without heat, gas, water & electricity. Alice wants to leave.)

Ralph: "I'm the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Than you better say Alice because I am going."

"Man From Space":

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I'm not? Who is it that lets your pants out every week?"

"Hero Part 1":

(Ralph opens a can of turpinetine. Tommy is amazed.)

Tommy: "That proves that I am right."

Ralph: "Right about what?"

Tommy: "Well, I say that it is all muscle. But, all my friends say that you are a big load of fat."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in their uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform is too tight.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yes, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that is very encouraging that you sold to your last customer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you finally hit on the right approach. Now, do you remember what you said?"

Ed: "Sure. I said: `Mama, you just go to buy this iron.'"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph is dressed up as a hola girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."

"Principle of The Thing":

(The Kramdens have no water. Ed tries to listen to the pipes with a stethoscope to see what the trouble is.)

Ed: "There is your trouble right there. No water."

Ralph: "Did you hear that? He said no water. There's an intelligent man who has spent practically his entire life in the swer and believe you me when he says that there is no water, there is no water." (yells): "I KNOW THERE IS NO WATER."

Ed: "Now you are getting it from the expert's mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think the wallpaper is pretty. Alice thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."
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Old 02-08-2012, 09:42 AM   #700
Frank Gannucci
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Default Wednesday's Quotes:

"Head of The House":

(Ralph just told the newspaper's questioning photographer to print him saying that the husband is the boss of the house.)

Ralph: "I'm a horse. You are a mouse."

Ed: "Let me say this. I rather be a live mouse then a dead horse."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph is playing poker. One of the boys, Sullivan left and is waiting for a bus.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN, CUT OUT THE NOISE."

Ralph: "That's that crab Garrity from upstairs."

(Ralph goes to the window, opens it up and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO SLEEP? THIS IS AMERICA. A FREE COUNTRY."

(Ralph puts his head back in the place.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN! HEY KRAMDEN!"

(Ralph sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

(Garrity douses Ralph with water. Everyone in the room laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP! YOU SHUT UP TOO DOWN THERE."

Ed: "Who are you yelling at now Ralph?"

Ralph: "Sullivan. He's waiting for the bus."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph is playing poker with his friends.)

Ralph: "We said that we were going to quit at 12 and it's 2am already."

Man: "Why didn't we quit at 12?"

Ed: "Ralph was losing then."

"Ralph's Diet":

(Ralph gets on the scale.)

Ralph: "I don't need to diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

(Ralph is playing pool.)

Ralph: "I just sunk in seventeen balls to tie the house record. I am now going to break the house record and I don't want to hear a sound out of you."

Ed (accidently making Ralph miss his shot): "You won't even know that I am here."

"Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind":

Ed: "Relax Ralph. No one is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "When are they going to find one big enough?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Okay Wisenheimer, I am now going to put the key where even if you knew where it was, you wouldn't be able to find it. I am going to put it right under my pillow. Now you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get it."

Ed: "Congratulations Ralph, you came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set with the ticket that Ralph bought for him. Ralph is jealous.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."
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Old 02-09-2012, 09:39 AM   #701
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Default Thursday's Quotes:

"Vacation At Fred's Landing" (1954 version):

(A "real" bear comes to Ed. Ed thinks that it's Ralph in disguise. Ralph is in back of Ed.)

Ralph: "Norton, I am over here."

Ed (yells in fright): "EEE!"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ed: "You got a call from the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, the emperor of all Raccoondoom? I don't believe it."

Ralph: "Sure you don't because you never got a call from him."

Ed: "He doesn't have to call me. He works right beside me in the sewer."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"Sleppy Time Gal":

(Alice is making the Great Fatchumara, Ralph & Ed think that she is hypnotized.)

G.F.: "Mrs. Kramden, what do you think of your husband?"

Alice: "I don't want him. You can have him. He's too fat for me."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Mr. Norton, I want you to count down from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Thelma: "O-KAY"

Ralph: "I said stop saying O-Kay It's very good sir, this happens to be my guest and I am your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer, The SIMP and the BLIMP!!"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How could I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "What kind of a mind must a man have to put a lit cigarette in a sink loaded with balloons?"

Ed: "What kind of mind must you have to have a sink full of balloons?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Now what we have to do is wait for Mr. Gleason to show up."

Ed: "That could be kind of tough. With the way that he's built, it's hard to tell if he's coming or going."
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Old 02-10-2012, 10:06 AM   #702
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Default Friday's Quotes:

"Expectant Father":

(Ralph thinks that he is going to be a father. He wants his new boy to be a fighter.)

Ed: "Why don't you name the kid Percy?"

Ralph: "Percy?"

Ed: "With a name like that, he will be fighting all the time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Do you know what it like Alice to own a home? You can walk outside, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out in the hallway right now and do the same thing."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."
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Old 02-11-2012, 10:35 AM   #703
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Default Saturday's Quotes:

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here - save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(The house phone is ringing.)

Ralph: "I'm not answering it. I'm not answering it. Let ir ring, ring, ring because I'm not answering it."

Alice: "But they are playing your song."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed sits down and starts to eat Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "Gee, I hope he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidently causes Ralph to miss his shot in pool. Ralph is angry. He hits Ed's foot with his pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with his pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OW!"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I'M NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "YOU TRY TO WALK OUT OF THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't drop in here unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork three times a week."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "We are in a foregin country and in a foreign country, you got to live like a native.

Alice: "Ralph, in Brooklyn I live like a native."

"Six Months To Live":

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. "Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"

Last edited by Frank Gannucci; 02-11-2012 at 10:20 PM.
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Old 02-12-2012, 05:50 PM   #704
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Default Sunday's Quotes:

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know that I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you get out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ed: "I know a man that died from stubbing his toe."

Man: "How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the edge of the Grand Canyon."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Good thing that I have a brain to figure these things out for us."

Ed: "You sure do Ralph. You can think of smart things to get yourself out of the dumb things that you get yourself into."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."
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Old 02-13-2012, 09:55 AM   #705
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Default Monday's Quotes:

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"The Main Event":

(Ed is showing off his boxing skill for Dynamite.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover your face! Cover your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE!"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."
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