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Old 01-09-2019, 08:25 AM   #436
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Ed Norton: [reading from a script, as he helps Ralph rehearse] "I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of poloponies."

Ralph: "I'm glad to hear..."

[stops and looks up]

Ralph: "String of poloponies"? Where do you see that?

Ed Norton: [pointing at script] Right there - "a string of poloponies".

Ralph: That's "a string of polo ponies"!
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Old 01-10-2019, 07:31 AM   #437
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"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are wondering how to get some money.)

Ed: "How about a reward?"

Ralph: "A reward?"

Ed: "Yeah, I was down at the post office the other day and on the wall, they had the fugitives from justice. $200 reward, $300 reward, $500 reward. Why don't we gou out and capture ourselves a couple of fugitives from justice?"

(A pause.)

Ralph: "That is the stupidest thing that I ever heard in my life. All I know is that they wanted fugitives from Bellevue, I would make a fortune."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know?"

Ralph: "The only thing that is empty in here is your head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Don't you have to call anybody to tell them that you'll be late for work?"

Ed: "Who am I going to call? If I would tell anybody that I am going to be late, I would write a note and slip it down a manhole."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How can you even think of taking Ed to the movies oh his birthday when he took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph (from bedroom): "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is worried about being investigated by the I.R.S.)

Alice: "You are not the first person to be investigated."

Ed: "She is right. The jails are full of them."

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph is talking about the previous time him & Alice were at Fred's Landing. Ed is listening.)

Ralph: "You should have seen Alice running away from that snake. I thought I would die laughing."

Alice: "How could you see me running away? You were way ahead of me."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(Ed reveals that he accidently took the bag of groceries as his lunch.)

Ed: "I got one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"
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Old 01-10-2019, 07:58 AM   #438
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Ralph: What's so funny?
Bill Davis: I remember the funny joke I wrote in your autograph book. Some kids are small, some kids are tall, but 'Fatso Kramden' walks down the hall wall to wall. Ha Ha. That's was something to laugh about, but now we're grown.
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Old 01-11-2019, 08:57 AM   #439
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"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down a street, there AIN'T no other side."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back. He looks terrible.)

Ralph: "Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For your information, I am four pound underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."
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Old 01-11-2019, 09:13 AM   #440
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Ralph: Me and my silly pride. I promise you this, Norton, I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from here on in how to swallow my pride.

Ed Norton: Well, that ought not to be too hard. You've learned how to swallow everything else.

Ralph: GET OUT!
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Old 01-12-2019, 09:13 AM   #441
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"The Hypnotist Part 2":

Black Conductor: "You know your not going to see me again until we get to Chicago."

Ralph & Ed (yell in pain and act like they were sitting on a bed of hot coal): "CHICAGO!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (whispering): "Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What did you say?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a shower."

Aunt Ethel: "Do you mind if I brush my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do it for you."

"Hello Mom":

Ed: "What's a five-letter word for fat?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's on old wives tale Ralph. 'A man works from sun-to-sun but a woman's work is never done."

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "No one is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one that's big enough?"

"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "You know you Racoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that the Racoons have more emergencies that the U.N."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "The Nortons had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

(There's a bandage on Ed's head.)

Ralph: "What happened to you?"

Ed: "Remember the part that you told me to say to Trixie that I am the king of the castle? Trixie crowned me."
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Old 01-12-2019, 10:10 AM   #442
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Ralph: [answering the janitor's phone yet again] Hello?
[pause]
Ralph: No, Mrs. Schwartz, this is a HOUSE phone! You can't get Jersey on it!
[hangs up]
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Old 01-13-2019, 08:55 AM   #443
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"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time we played baseball and you got hit in the head with a bat? How got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. How came up and saw you every day? I did. Who brought you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type who would bend over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I'm going to learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

(Ralph is about to give the Raccoon Treasury report.)

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For my height, I am five pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been reading a chart for a hippo."

"Ralph's Diet":

Ralph: "I don't need the diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny Alice that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to name it 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"The Main Event":

(Dynamite Moran is punching in the air.)

Ed: "Boy, look at him Ralph. He (Dynamite) is like a panther. He reminds me of the greatest street fighter I ever saw."

Ralph: "Who is that?"

Ed: "Trixie's mother."

"The Main Event":

(Ralph mentions to Alice his plan about becoming Dynamite Moran's manager.)

Ralph: "This is a fullproof plan."

Alice: "Yeah and you are just the fool that can prove it."
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Old 01-14-2019, 09:00 AM   #444
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"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph & Alice are fighting the rent increase by doing without heat, gas, water & electricity. Alice wants to leave.)

Ralph: "I'm the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Than you better say Alice because I am going."

"Man From Space":

Ralph: "You are not up on the latest developments."

Alice: "I'm not? Who is it that lets your pants out every week?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Alice gives Ralph some celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your supper Ralph?"

Ralph: "My supper? You mean to tell me that that was my supper? What are these things (knife & fork) for, to commit suicide with?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Look me over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build I would sya that you have well-developed muscles, got good bone structure, fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"Hero Part 1":

(Ralph opens a can of turpinetine. Tommy is amazed.)

Tommy: "That proves that I am right."

Ralph: "Right about what?"

Tommy: "Well, I say that it is all muscle. But, all my friends say that you are a big load of fat."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in their uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform is too tight.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yes, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that is very encouraging that you sold to your last customer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you finally hit on the right approach. Now, do you remember what you said?"

Ed: "Sure. I said: `Mama, you just go to buy this iron.'"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph is dressed up as a hola girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."
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Old 01-14-2019, 12:16 PM   #445
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Ed Norton: [to Harvey] A pox on you and all your ancestors!
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Old 01-15-2019, 07:34 AM   #446
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"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "Cream-chipped beef again?"

Alice: "Yeah, but I fixed it a new way, Ralph. I got the recipe out of a movie magazine. Its Ricardo Cortez's favorite."

Ralph: "Well, I hope when Ricardo gets here tonight he enjoys it!"

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Why don't you take advantage of the time you have now and go to sleep."

Ralph: "You're right. Sorry I yelled at you. Good night."

(Ralph goes to the bedroom. The alarm clock rings. It's 5am. Time to go to work for Ralph. Ralph brings the alarm clock out and has a weird look on his face while Audrey tries her best not to laugh.)

Ralph (yells): "IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK. IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Lunchbox":

(Ralph thinks that Alice packed an awful lunch for him. He also sees Alice's shoes in the stove. He doesn't know that they were there for drying purposes.)

Ralph: "What were the shoes doing in the stove?"

Alice: "What do you think they were stupid, your dinner?"

Ralph: "After today, I wouldn't be surprised."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "Oh, is that all that they are going to do? They're just gonna take it out of my refund? It just so happens Alice that I was planning on that refund - IN ITS ENTIRETY! I need all of the refund - all 42 dollars! I can't afford to let any of the 42 go! I got to go down to Fred's Landings - I need 42 dollars! What am I gonna do if I haven't got enough money?"

Alice: "We'll just have to cut down, Ralph. Just ask for a cheaper tent with a smaller snake."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back.)

Ralph: "How does this look? Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Yeah, like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed & Ralph are trying to think of a way to get that woman, as they refer to her as, out of the phone booth. Unbeknownst to them, the woman is Alice.)

Ed: "Why don't we go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home. She leaves. Then, we come back here to call up the hypnotist."

Ralph: "Did you just say to go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home, then when she leaves, we use this phone to call up the hypnotist?" (yells): "I NEVER HEARD ANYTHING MORE STUPID IN MY LIFE. THIS PHONE WOULD BE BUSY IF WE DID THAT."
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Old 01-15-2019, 07:43 AM   #447
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Ed Norton: Look at these here, Ralph! Boy, they had me fooled. They're real! I mean it. They're almost as good as the artificial ones.
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Old 01-16-2019, 08:39 AM   #448
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"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut down on my bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph looks at the burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Your husband certainly is a trea-sure."

(Rita leaves.)

Alice: "A trea-sure? If he keeps this up much longer, he will be a buried trea-sure."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably won't even know what I look like."

Ed: "That is okay. You og down there tomorrow and apply for another job."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "While I am gone, try not to give away the furniture."

Alice: "I tried, but they wouldn't accept it."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "We are living just like the Indians did."

Ralph: "If the Indians had to live like this, no wonder they are the vanishing race."

"The Mod Couple" (aka "Honeymooners In England"):

Trixie: "I don't think I am the maid type."

Ed: "She's right Ralph. Do you think you can cast her as an English Bulldog?"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "How do you like your new place Triixe?"

Trixie: "That is a very dangerous question to ask me when I have a hammer in my hand."

"Flushing Ho":

Ed: "Hey Ralph, I dropped the soap somewhere in the bathroom. You will have to find it."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Ed (yells): "I SAID..."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK TO ME LATER." (slipping on soap, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
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Old 01-17-2019, 07:52 AM   #449
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"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "I'm the boss. You're nothing."

Alice: "Big deal. You are the boss over nothing."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(Ed is gving the bottles to Ralph and saying what each and every bottle has. He picks up one of the bottles.)

Ed: "This is a tough one. 'Oliveoil.'"

(Ralph picks up the bottle and looks at the label.)

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "There isn't anything in this world that's going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow and talking to Ed's boss."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. You're my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "We don't have to get the hotel ready until they build the highway."

Alice: "I think it would be easier if they built the hotel and we built the highway."

"Without Reservations":

(Everybody is in their respective uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform barely fits.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yeah, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. It's going to be called: 'Punch & Judy.' And you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"
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Old 01-18-2019, 06:18 AM   #450
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Trixie: Whoever said the Age of Chivalry is dead was right. I know the two guys that killed it. Oh, Alice, our campaign has been a complete flop. On the way to the bus they walked twenty feet ahead of us. And they only talked to each other. And if that isn't bad enough, on the bus there are just two empty seats. And who sits in those two empty seats?
Alice: Ralph.
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