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Old 05-17-2004, 02:28 PM   #1
Chambers
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Default "Matchmaker Cliff" - Cheers, Season Four

This episode was inspired by the ending of an actual episode of "Cheers" - the one where Frasier tells Diane's date that she had a sex-change operation. Well I thought I'd write this one to explore Cliff a little more and also to expand on that brilliant trick Frasier played on Diane. Hope you all like it!


Lost Episode #4
“Matchmaker Cliff”
Cheers, Season Four

Characters: Sam Malone, Diane Chamers, Carla Tortelli, Woody Boyd, Norm Peterson, Cliff Clavin and Dr. Frasier Crane

Guests: Tracy and Anthony Morgan

{“Cheers” is filmed before a live studio audience.}

OVERTURE

{It’s closing time at Cheers. Sam and Diane are cleaning up and Norm is the only customer left.}

Sam: Getting kinda late there, huh, Norm?
Norm: [Slowly pulls his arm up and looks at his watch] Sorry Sam, too drunk to tell the time.
Sam: Well I can tell you: it’s closing time.
Norm: Sam, did you know that drunk people tend to hear things funny? Did I just hear you say it’s opening time? Gimme another beer.
Diane: Norman, I think it’s time for you to go home. If you want, I’ll drive you.
Norm: What’s that, Diane? You wanna go home with me? Well you never really were my type, but I’ll give you a try.
Diane: [Rolls her eyes] Well I’m going home. Good night! [She leaves]
Norm: [Shrugs] Women.
Sam: Ok now, let me lock up, Norm.
Norm: Oh come on, Sam. Lemme stay the night here. I don’t have anything to go home to tonight. I get so lonely at nights…sometimes I think I might be happier if I were dead.
Sam: [Concerned] Oh gee, I’m sorry Norm. I didn’t know you had it that bad…
Norm: It’s true, Sammy. And who would notice if I were gone anyway?
Sam: Well everybody here would!
Norm: Then you understand. The humdrum conversations at this bar, the warm dent on this stool, the amber glow of a beer mug – this is my home.
Sam: I’d like to think we’re a family, yeah. You know me, Norm – you can count on me to pick you up when you’re down. You’ve got a whole lot of friends here who love you and would hate to see you go.
Norm: Great. Then show me a little love, Sam [extends his empty beer mug]
Sam: [Laughs, giving in, and pours him one last drink]

{Opening sequence/credits}

ACT ONE:

{It's the next day. Cliff walks in with a spring in his step, a smile on his face}

Cliff: Hey, everyone!
Everyone: [Adlib “hello”]
Norm: Hey, Cliffie. You look happy today.
Cliff: [His smile widens and he chuckles] Well eh, there’s a reason for that.
Carla: You mean your goofy smile is not just another way for God to smite us?
Cliff: Har-har, Carla. Nothing you can say to me today will put me down. I’m the happiest man in this bar!
Everyone: [Cheer]
Woody: [Goofy laugh] Yeah, I always like to smile when I’m happy too.
Norm: So what’s the occasion? [Chuckles] Got a date?
Cliff: As a matter of fact, I do.
Everyone: [Adlib] Wow! Way to go, Cliff!
Cliff: A very “hot” date, if you know what I mean. [Norm and Cliff laugh and nudge each other] Gimme a beer, Woody.
Woody: Right away, Mr. Clavin.
Carla: How much did you have to pay her?
Cliff: [Annoyed] I didn’t have to pay her a dime!
Carla: Oh, so then she just got out of the loony bin?
Sam: Come on, Carla. Let Cliff enjoy the moment.
Carla: Yeah, ok, Sam - figuring it’ll be the only one he gets to enjoy this century. [Carla goes to wait on another table]
Norm: So what’s she like, huh?
Sam: Yeah, tell us.
Cliff: [Trying to be suave] Aha…I think you’ll all be eh pleasantly surprised!
Norm: Ooh? So we’re like talking about an approachable hag or something? [The guys laugh]
Cliff: [Rolls his eyes] For your information, she happens to be eh, as they say, quite the looker.
Sam: Whoo! Well good for you, Cliff. You haven’t been on a hot date in a long time.
Norm: [To Sam] Try “any” date. [To Cliff] So what did your mom say about this?
Cliff: Ma? Come on, Norm. I don’t have to tell Ma everything. I don’t eh need her approval.
Norm: Right…
Cliff: [Mumbles to Norm] I just gotta be home by midnight.
Woody: So what’s your sweetheart’s name, Mr. Clavin?
Cliff: [After taking a sip of his beer] Tracy Morgan. She’s new to Boston – just moved in to the house next door.
Woody: Hey! I used to know a Tracy Morgan back in Hanover!
Cliff: [Gives him a weird look] Yeah…?
Woody: Yeah! Boy, she was a fun gal. We used to have these cow milking contests to see who could milk the fastest, and she’d always beat me! [Laughs] Boy, time flies when you’re milking! I wonder what she’s doing here in Boston!
Cliff: [Worried] No uh…Woody, this girl doesn’t look like your average farm-girl.
Woody: Well maybe I’m wrong, Mr. Clavin. But she’s been out of there for a few years now. People change once they hit the big cities. You’d never think I was a farm-boy, now would ya?
Cliff: Never would have guessed, Woody.
Norm: So when’s the date?
Cliff: Tomorrow night….but there’s one problem…
Norm: What? Did you forget to ask her or something?
Cliff: No…she moved over here with her brother and wanted me to fix him up with somebody for a double date.
Norm: Well, that shouldn’t be a problem. This bar has its share of desperate women.
Cliff: No…you see…eh the problem is that this guy’s a real weirdo. I mean we’re talking mind-boggling weird – a real geek! [Norm stares at him sarcastically] You wouldn’t believe this guy! He has a collection of potato chips that look like Latin American dictators! [Laughs]
Norm: [Shakes his head] …unbelievable…
Cliff: I know! Well eh…I need to find somebody desperate enough to go out with him. [Looks around the bar] Hey, Carla!
Carla: Forget it, numb-skull! I heard you two talkin’. I’m not going on a double date with you and your clone.

{Frasier walks in}

Frasier: Good afternoon, all!
Everyone: [Adlib “hello”]
Frasier: [Walks over to sit next to Norm and Cliff] So how is everyone?
Norm: Same old, same old. But Cliff here’s got a date for tomorrow.
Frasier: Really? My, my, Clifford. That’s wonderful news!
Cliff: Yeah, but it won’t happen unless I find someone to take out her brother.
Frasier: Oh? How about Carla?
Norm: She said no. [Whispers to Frasier] Apparently this guy’s weirder than Cliff.
Frasier: [Grimaces then his face lights up] I know! How about Diane? Hhha-ha! [laughs cruelly]
Sam: [Laughs] That would be great, wouldn’t it.
Cliff: You think she’d…say yes?
Norm: Sure. Just, ya know, beef up the story a little. Make him out to be this great-looking guy with a Harvard degree or something.
Cliff: Wouldn’t that be dishonest?
Carla: [Rolls her eyes] When did you start caring about honesty? Since when has it helped you get a date?
Norm: She has a point.
Cliff: Sure, sure. I don’t know…I wouldn’t want Diane to get mad at me afterwards…
Frasier: Cliff, take it from me, as your friend and a professional psychiatrist: the woman deserves to suffer!
Sam: [Laughs] You’ll be ok, Cliff. Diane’s not the type to bear a grudge. [Looks over at Frasier, who is fuming at the thought of Diane, and mumbles] …unlike some people…
Cliff: Ok…I’ll ask her! Where is she?
Sam: It’s her day off. Try her at home.
Cliff: I better call right now. [He goes to the phone]
Sam: That was real sneaky there, Frasier. [Laughs] I can’t wait to see her face tomorrow night when she meets the guy!
Woody: Hey, I don’t mean to be a bother, but if this guy’s anything like what Mr. Clavin said, don’t you think Ms. Chambers will be kinda upset?
Sam: Nah, Woody, she’ll be fine.
Frasier: Come on, Woodrow! We’re not doing this to intentionally hurt Diane. We’re trying to help Cliff.
Woody: Well, if you put it that way, I guess she’ll be willing to help out a friend.
Frasier: Exactly. [Once Woody walks away, he rubs his hands together and says through clenched teeth] That little Jezebel will have one “hell” of a night!
Cliff: [Coming back from the phone] Hey, everyone! She said yes!
Everyone: [laughs and cheers]
Norm: How did you convince her?
Cliff: Eh…you know…told her he was a rich ivy-league graduate, speaks four languages, and looks somewhat like Adonis.
Frasier: Hhha-ha! I want to be here tomorrow night front and center!
Norm: Whoa, Cliffie. Don’t you think you went a little overboard?
Frasier: Norman, if he’s one-third the man Cliff told her he is, that’s still more than what Diane thinks she is!

ACT TWO

{The next evening – the bar is full. Diane enters looking lovely in a pink silk dress]

Diane: Good evening, everyone!
Sam: Hi, there. Well you look nice.
Diane: Why, thank you. So where’s Clifford?
Sam: Oh he called earlier to say he was going to be a few minutes late.
Diane: Oh, ok. [Sits down on a stool] I can’t wait to meet this man – have you seen him? [Sam and Frasier look at each other and are barely able to contain their laughter]
Diane: [Suspicious] What’s so funny?
Frasier: [Drying his eyes] Ah nothing, Diane….excuse me….[he bursts into laughter and walks to the other end of the bar]
Diane: What is it?
Sam: Uh…nothing…just this joke I told Frasier…
Diane: Oh? I’d love to hear it. Tell me.
Sam; Oh um…you wouldn’t think it was funny.
Diane: [Frowning] Why not? Try me! Come on – I love a good laugh!
Sam: [Obviously searching for words] Well uh…there were these two men…in a-a- an elevator…
Diane: [Leaning in] Uh huh?
Sam: …and then one guy said…
Diane: What did he say?
Sam: …right…he said… “Don’t you think elevators are…fun?” And then…the other guy says…“Yeah…they sure beat…stairs…” Ha-ha…
Diane: [Puzzled] Is that it?
Sam: Yeah – said you wouldn’t like it.
Diane: Wow, Sam. That’s the dullest joke I’ve ever heard. What’s happened to you? At least when your head was vacant you could always fill it up with hormones….but I see not even that’s enough to fill the void these days! [She smirks]
Sam: Yeah yeah.

{Cliff walks in with his date: a cute woman in a mini-dress.}

Cliff: Hey, everybody! I’d like to introduce you all to Tracy.
Everyone: [Adlib] Wow! Whoa, Cliffie!
Diane: Hello, Tracy. I’m Diane Chambers.
Tracy: How ya doin? [She shakes her hand] Nice to meet you all!
Norm: [Runs over to the front of the bar, smiling like a goofball, and extends his sweaty palm] H-hi…there…
Cliff: Tracy, this is my good friend, Norm Peterson.
Tracy: Good to meet ya!
Norm: [Still smiling, he starts to breathe heavily and walks away backwards]
Sam: Welcome to Cheers, Tracy. I’m the owner, Sam Malone. Sit down and I’ll get you all a drink before you head out.
Tracy: Thanks, Mr. Malone. Wow, everybody’s so nice here!
Woody: [Coming from the back room, sees Tracy and stops] Tracy? Tracy Morgan? Is that you?
Tracy: Oh my Lord! Woody? Woody Boyd? I haven’t seen you in ages! [They hug]
Cliff: Oh, so eh you two really do know each other.
Woody: Golly! So you’re the girl going out with Mr. Clavin! Hey, remember those milking contests we used to have back in Hanover? Boy I sure miss the taste of fresh milk in the morning.
Tracy: Me too! That’s the one thing I don’t like about being in a city.
Diane: Ah yes. Who wouldn’t miss the simplicity, the serenity of bucolic life?
Tracy: [Confused] …I’m from Indiana.
Woody: Yeah Ms. Chambers – don’t you mean Indiana life?
Diane: Oh…of course.
Woody: Well, we should catch up later, Tracy.
Tracy: Sure, Woody!
Woody: I gotta get back to work now. [He hugs her again and gets behind the bar]
Diane: [To Cliff] So, Clifford? Where’s my date?
Cliff: Oh yeah, Anthony’s just parking the car. He should be right down…
Diane: Wonderful! I can’t wait to meet him.
Frasier: [Walks up to Diane] Diane, I hope you two have a magical time.
Diane: Why thank you, Frasier.
Frasier: [Bursts into laughter again and retreats to the other side of the bar, where Sam is talking to Woody]
Sam: [To Woody] So you know what Tracy’s brother is like?
Woody: Oh yeah! I remember him. He used to be a real lady’s man, Sam. Kinda like you – only more country.
Sam: [Surprised] Really? So he’s what? Good-looking or something?
Woody: Oh boy, was he ever!
Sam: [Sends a worried glance to Frasier]
Frasier: Oh come on Sam, you heard what Cliff said. Maybe he changed. Maybe he had a tragic accident and was horribly disfigured! [mumbles to himself] God I hope he had an accident…
Sam: [Gives Frasier a weird look] Yeah…hope you’re right…

{All of a sudden a tall, blond, Adonis-like man walks in and Tracy runs over to get him. Everybody’s jaws drop. Frasier gasps and clutches his hand over his heart.}

Carla: Damnit! Just my luck! Why does the beanpole always get the hunks around here!
Norm: Wow – if that’s a geek, what does Cliff think he is?
Frasier: This isn’t happening! This isn’t happening!
Sam: Frasier! Calm down!
Tracy: Anthony, this is Diane Chambers. Diane, this is my brother, Anthony.
Anthony: Well hello there, Ms. Chambers.
Diane: [Gawking] H-hello there…Anthony…[giggles] Please, call me Diane.
Frasier: [Pulls Cliff to the side] THIS is Tracy’s god-forsaken brother??!!
Cliff: [Looks at Anthony condescendingly] Yeah, poor guy, huh? [Frasier fumes, his eyes bulge] Wait till he starts telling Diane all about his potato chip collection – he’ll bore her to death in a minute! [To Tracy, Anthony and Diane] Hey sorry to break this up so early, but we’re running late. I made reservations for 8 o’clock.

{Anthony leads Diane out, followed by Cliff and Tracy}

Cliff: So you know, there, Tracy, I do a little bit of farming myself.
Tracy: Really?
Cliff: Yeah – I grew this squash once that had the exact map of the Hawaiian islands! [His voice fades as they leave]
Frasier: Dear God! That man is a lunatic!
Carla: Tell us something we don’t know.

{A few hours later, the four of them return}

Cliff: [To Tracy, guiding her by the arm] -and then, on one fateful morning, I realized that the integrity of the whole Massachusetts postal unit depended on the delivery of that one letter! And I served them well, I served them well.
Tracy: Wow, Cliff! I wish I had such an exciting life!
Carla: Oh boy – the psycho convention’s in town.
Frasier: Indeed it is. Give me another scotch, Woody.
Woody: Don’t you think you’ve had enough, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Damn, Woody! I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough!
Woody: All right, but if you start using those bad words again, I’m gonna have to cut you off.
Frasier: Fine, fine.
Norm: [To Sam] Looks like Cliff hit it big this time. Found a hot girl who's actually dumb enough to think he's interesting. Do you think everybody from Hanover's like that? Brainless and good-looking?
Sam: Must be something in the water.
Carla: Sammy - you sure you're not from Hanover? [laughs wickedly]
Sam: Funny. [Walks up nervously to Diane and her date] So did you two have fun there?
Diane: Oh yes, it was a delightful meal! [Looks at Anthony and they giggle]
Sam: Oh...well that's great...[Realizing neither one of them is paying attention to a word he's saying, he awkwardly retreats behind the bar and keeps an eye on them]
Cliff: [To Tracy] Wait here while I get us something to drink. [Walks over to the bar] Boy I feel bad for those two!
Frasier: [Hopeful] Really? So they didn’t have fun?
Cliff: No way! While Tracy and I were having a stimulating conversation, those two would only stare and giggle at each other like a pair of chimps!
Frasier: [Rolls his eyes and slaps his forehead] Damn it, Clifford! You found the perfect man for Diane! Not only is he the handsomest man in this city, but he’s also the only human being who’s ever been able to shut her up!
Cliff: [Grins] Eh? You really think so? Well I guess she can thank me then! [He walks back to the table with the drinks]
Frasier: Oh, God, why do you hate me!
Sam: Come on, Frasier – let it go. He’s not even that good looking…certainly not the best looking guy in this bar. [He turns around and checks out his hair in the mirror]
Frasier: [Rolls his eyes] Vanity, thy name is Sam!
Norm: Aw come on. Just be happy that Cliff had a good time…and it didn’t even involve any obscene phone calls.
Frasier: Oh, you’re right. I mustn’t let myself get caught up in my petty vindictiveness.
Sam: Yeah. Just let it go.
Frasier: I will. I will.
Cliff: [Getting up from his table] Well, I’m gonna drive Tracy here home now…
Tracy: Maybe we can…have some dessert over at my place?
Cliff: [Jaw drops and starts to babble] Ba-ba-g-g- let’s go! [They zoom out of the bar]
Diane: [Still eyeing and giggling at Anthony – who’s doing the same] Uh…give me a minute to….freshen up…[She giggles some more and goes off to the lady’s room]
Frasier: [Seeing her leave, cooks up a plan immediately and starts to make his way over to Anthony]
Sam: Whoa – wait a minute, Frasier. What are you doing?
Frasier: Making use of an old trick, Sam old man. [To Anthony] Hello Anthony. I’m Dr. Frasier Crane.
Anthony: Good to meet ya, Dr. Crane. So is that Dr. as in a you’re a real doctor?
Frasier: Yes, very perceptive, Anthony. I’m Diane’s doctor, actually.
Anthony: Really? Is she sick or something?
Frasier: Oh no, nothing as good as that. You see, I’m a man of principle. I believe in honesty in a relationship. And I think Diane’s not being completely honest with you.
Anthony: What isn’t she telling me?
Frasier: [Sits down next to him] Anthony – I’m sorry to tell you this. But Diane used to be called…Duncan Chambers.
Anthony: I’m sorry…I’m not following you.
Frasier: Why doesn’t that surprise me? You see…Diane had a…sex-change operation. [Sam can't stop from laughing in the background]
Anthony: [Shocked] Wow! Really? Boy, you city folk are awful weird! I read about stuff like this in magazines before, but I never met anybody who had it done! Gee…I wish she had told me this sooner…or is it “he”?
Frasier: Yes, I understand your confusion. I wouldn’t blame you if you left here right now.
Anthony: I think maybe I’ll have to…right after I go to the little boy’s room. [He walks to the back]
Sam: A man of principle, huh?
Frasier: Oh shut up! Give me a drink. [He returns to his stool]
Diane: [Returning from the back] Where’s Anthony?
Frasier: Oh [chuckles]…he had to go somewhere for a minute.
Diane: Frasier, you’ve been acting like this all night. What’s so funny?
Frasier: [Smiles] Nothing, Diane! Nothing!
Carla: He told your drooling partner that you used to be a guy. Not so far-fetched, if you ask me. [Frasier glares at Carla]
Diane: Frasier! I thought I told you to stop telling people that I had a sex-change operation!
Frasier: I assure you, my dear, that I didn’t say a word!
Carla: He didn’t have to! He already wrote it all over the walls in the men’s bathroom.
Diane: How dare you! Sam, give me the sponge and bucket from under the bar! [She takes them and storms into the men’s bathroom – two screams are immediately heard and Diane runs out, red in the face]
Anthony: [Walks out of the bathroom buckling his belt, also red in the face] Force of habit, huh? Hey, don’t get me wrong, Dr. Crane did a real good job with you, but I don’t think I’m comfortable with this sort of thing yet. Well...I better get going. [He leaves]
Diane: [Dropping the bucket on the floor] Frasier! This is the most immature thing you’ve ever done! I’d expect this from Sam – but you?
Frasier: Oh come on – you two didn’t have anything in common anyway.
Diane: That’s not the point!
Frasier: Diane, you should be thanking me. Sure you could have had a few hours of pleasure tonight, but what then? Who are you to build on a relationship based on mere physical attraction? [Looks at Sam and then at Diane] Oh to hell with it! [He goes back to his drink]
Diane: [Walking closer to the bar] That was rotten - Sam were you in on this as well?
Sam: [putting his hands up] Innocent! I tried to stop him.
Diane: Oh? So you weren't feeling threatened?
Sam: No I wasn't - and neither was Frasier.
Frasier: Of course I wasn't feeling threatened! I assure you, Diane, that I no longer direct any amorous feelings towards you.
Diane: Well...good.
Frasier:[mumbles]...only feelings of hatred and vengeance....
Diane: What was that?
Frasier: [laughs] Nothing!
Sam: Too bad it didn't work out with that Anthony guy, huh?
Diane: I suppose you're enjoying this!
Sam: Aw come on. Here, have this [gives her a glass of water]. He wasn't right for you anyway. He was as dumb as a doorknob.
Diane: [Stares at him incredulously] I can handle him - I've had practice dating doorknobs, thanks to you.
Sam: Yeah yeah.
Diane: I know you're jealous, Sam. You don't have to hide it.
Sam: Diane, I'm not jealous.
Diane: [Shrugs] Whatever you want to tell yourself.
Sam: [Reluctantly] Well ok. I do have something I want to tell you... [he motions for her to lean closer]
Diane: Oh? What is it? [she leans in, blushing]
Sam: [He whispers as he fingers her cheek] I...think you missed a spot shaving this morning.
Diane: [Pours her glass of water on his head]

THE END
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Last edited by Chambers : 05-21-2004 at 10:16 AM.
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Old 05-17-2004, 03:48 PM   #2
Moondance
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Great story, again, DianeDiane!!!!


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Old 03-24-2005, 06:16 AM   #3
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It's always good to see Cliffy score; I really prefer him in the early seasons when he isn't so pathetic. In the beginning he was just a quirky guy who had any number of (literally) incredible things to say, sometimes containing just enough of a grain of truth to give his listeners pause. Then the writers had him living with Mom, inept with women, his ramblings became ever more far-fetched, and in general, he became more and more of a headcase and a bore. But I digress....

Good stuff, I enjoyed it.
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