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Old 08-10-2014, 05:13 PM   #586
JamesG
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A friend of mine forwarded me this story on Tumblr:


Back in 1996, I was obsessed with the movie The First Wives Club and I later saw on my family's Pay-Per-View offerings the "sequel" First Wives Club 2.

I was super excited to find this and I figured that my parents wouldn't mind so I decided to order it.





Shortly into it I noticed that a few things were off about this one:

- Why is this super low quality?
- How come nobody from the first movie is in this?
- Why does it mostly take place in a bedroom?
- Why is she taking off her clothes... wait, now why is he taking off his clothes?





An 11-year-old me wasn't ready for this, so I quickly turned it off and went up to my room to watch Rugrats. A couple of weeks passed after this and I thought that nothing would ever come of it, until...

It was unusually awkward for my family one night at the dinner table. My mother, who is usually very talkative, was just sitting there literally eating, while my step-dad and aunt were silently wondering what was going on.

My mother couldn't hold it in any longer and put down her fork and went, "I have something we need to discuss as a family. I got our cable bill today and I saw this on it," pointing to "First Wives Club 2 - Adult Entertainment Viewing".





I just put my head down and continued eating while the adults were looking at each other wondering who had purchased it.

My mother couldn't have done it because she was the one shocked at the bill.

My step-dad just listens to Kenny Rogers all day while working in his workshop (garage).

My aunt is an ultra-conservative whose best friend is a nun, Sister Mary.

Nobody even looked at me so I just let them wonder among themselves. My step-dad was probably wondering what his sister-in-law was into, while my aunt was thinking her brother-in-law is a perv.





My mother finally said, "Whatever, I don't care what either of you watch but I don't want pornography in the living room. What if she had seen it?" my mother went while pointing at innocent me.

All these years later I still never owned up to being the one whom purchased the porno. Why, you ask? Because this was the funniest thing that I've ever pulled.
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Old 08-11-2014, 01:04 PM   #587
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Lol

Saw this one online:

If an illegal immigrant fights a child molester, would it be Alien vs. Predator?
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Old 09-16-2014, 02:00 PM   #588
Penny Lane
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A married
couple in their early 60s are celebrating
their
40th wedding anniversary in a
quiet, romantic
little
restaurant.

Suddenly,
a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their
table.

She said,
'For being such an exemplary
married
couple and for being loving to
each other for
all this time, I will
grant you each a wish.'

The wife
answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the
world
with my darling
husband.'

The fairy
waved her magic wand and - poof! -
two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in
her
hands.

The
husband thought for a moment:
'Well,
this is all very romantic, but
an
opportunity like this will never
come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my
wish is to have a wife 30
years younger
than me.'

The wife,
and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but
a wish is a wish.!

So the
fairy waved her magic wand
and
poof!...

The
husband became 92 years old.

The moral
of this story:
Men
who are ungrateful bastards
should
remember fairies are
female.....































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Be A Gypsy
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Old 09-16-2014, 03:39 PM   #589
bonniegirl62
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To Penny Lane-

That is really funny. I needed a laugh!!!
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Old 09-16-2014, 03:45 PM   #590
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bonniegirl62
To Penny Lane-

That is really funny. I needed a laugh!!!

My sister emailed that to me. She knows I love a good joke!
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Old 09-16-2014, 08:39 PM   #591
Penny Lane
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Here's another one that she emailed me today!


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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Old 09-16-2014, 10:37 PM   #592
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That one is good too, Penny!
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Old 09-16-2014, 10:38 PM   #593
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The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered -- "The teeth"!
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