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Old 10-01-2006, 10:19 AM   #61
Jo_Luvs_Ketchup
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Originally Posted by swedeace
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
Omg thats like the scene from Spencer's mountain!!! Anyone ever see it?
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Old 10-01-2006, 11:45 AM   #62
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Omg thats like the scene from Spencer's mountain!!! Anyone ever see it?
I didn't know that, actually. I just received the text in my email, so I thought I should share it. I've never seen the movie either. Sorry....
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Old 10-01-2006, 05:16 PM   #63
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Default Spanish word for "computer"

The Spanish Word for Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
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Old 10-01-2006, 08:52 PM   #64
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THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
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Old 10-01-2006, 09:27 PM   #65
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THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
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Old 10-03-2006, 03:15 AM   #66
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Talking

a frog hopped into a bank one day. He hopped up on the counter, and said to the startled teller (whos name was Patty Wack) "I want to make a loan". The teller managed to say "OK, well, uh, um...d-do you have any collateral"? The frog said "Yes I do. I have this" and showed the teller a minature statue. He then said "Oh, by the way, my father is Keith Richards".
The teller took the statue and said "Just a minute" and went in to see the supervisor. She walked o his office and, closing the door behind her said "You're NOT going to believe this, but, there is a talking frog out there, who claims that Keith Richards is his father, he wants to make a loan, and put THIS up for collateral". (and she held out the statue)" I don't even know what this is".
The supervisor looked at it and said-

"It's a knick-knack Patty Wack
Give the frog a loan
His old man's a Rolling Stone"



I got it in an e-mail once.
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 10-03-2006, 08:49 AM   #67
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My cat was on television once. . . then my mother chased it off so she could dust the set.
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Old 10-04-2006, 03:15 AM   #68
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jo_Luvs_Ketchup
Omg thats like the scene from Spencer's mountain!!! Anyone ever see it?
not only did I never see it; I never heard of it. What is; or was; it? A TV show? A movie? What's it about?
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Old 10-04-2006, 08:17 AM   #69
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treky
"It's a knick-knack Patty Wack
Give the frog a loan
His old man's a Rolling Stone"

Dumb.
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Old 10-13-2006, 01:39 PM   #70
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Talking 'kin

Two good ole TN boys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. The 1st guy says, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I rightly don't know 'bout kin, but it sure'n would make us even."

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Old 10-14-2006, 03:26 AM   #71
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Smile First of many!

Cliche Turned Back

"I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work," the son protested to his father.

"Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least your age."

"Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!"

ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006

--

Peer Pressure

A reporter interviewed a 104-year-old man.

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

"No peer pressure," he replied.

ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006

--

Both Ends

"I'm worried about you always being at the bottom of your class," said the father to his son.

"Don't worry Dad," he replied. "They still teach the same thing at both ends."

ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006

--

Knock knock! Who's there?

Tex

Tex who?

Tex two to tango.

ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006
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Old 10-14-2006, 05:12 PM   #72
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NEWS FLASH: A ship carrying red apint and a ship carrying purple paint collided with each other out at sea, and both sank. The crews were reportedly marooned.

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Old 10-22-2006, 10:56 AM   #73
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Why are the Honey Dew Melon and the Watermelon having a big wedding?


Because they Canteloupe.
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Old 10-25-2006, 06:40 PM   #74
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Default Flat Belly

Flat Belly

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "what were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

See what happens when you LIE to your child ?!?!

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Old 10-25-2006, 07:09 PM   #75
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Oh my, Mona!
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