The JOKE Thread - Page 5 - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

Jo_Luvs_Ketchup · 10-01-2006, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swedeace

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Omg thats like the scene from Spencer's mountain!!!

Anyone ever see it?

swedeace · 10-01-2006, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jo_Luvs_Ketchup

Omg thats like the scene from Spencer's mountain!!!

Anyone ever see it?

I didn't know that, actually. I just received the text in my email, so I thought I should share it. I've never seen the movie either. Sorry....

swedeace · 10-01-2006, 05:16 PM

The Spanish Word for Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Steve M. · 10-01-2006, 08:52 PM

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

swedeace · 10-01-2006, 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steve M.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

treky · 10-03-2006, 03:15 AM

a frog hopped into a bank one day. He hopped up on the counter, and said to the startled teller (whos name was Patty Wack) "I want to make a loan". The teller managed to say "OK, well, uh, um...d-do you have any collateral"? The frog said "Yes I do. I have this" and showed the teller a minature statue. He then said "Oh, by the way, my father is Keith Richards".
The teller took the statue and said "Just a minute" and went in to see the supervisor. She walked o his office and, closing the door behind her said "You're NOT going to believe this, but, there is a talking frog out there, who claims that Keith Richards is his father, he wants to make a loan, and put THIS up for collateral". (and she held out the statue)" I don't even know what this is".
The supervisor looked at it and said-

"It's a knick-knack Patty Wack
Give the frog a loan
His old man's a Rolling Stone"

I got it in an e-mail once.

Steve M. · 10-03-2006, 08:49 AM

My cat was on television once. . . then my mother chased it off so she could dust the set.

treky · 10-04-2006, 03:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jo_Luvs_Ketchup

Omg thats like the scene from Spencer's mountain!!!

Anyone ever see it?

not only did I never see it; I never heard of it. What is; or was; it? A TV show? A movie? What's it about?

Steve M. · 10-04-2006, 08:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by treky

"It's a knick-knack Patty Wack
Give the frog a loan
His old man's a Rolling Stone"

Dumb.

swedeace · 10-13-2006, 01:39 PM

Two good ole TN boys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. The 1st guy says, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I rightly don't know 'bout kin, but it sure'n would make us even."

bossradio93 · 10-14-2006, 03:26 AM

Cliche Turned Back

"I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work," the son protested to his father.

"Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least your age."

"Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!"

ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006

--

Peer Pressure

A reporter interviewed a 104-year-old man.

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

"No peer pressure," he replied.

ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006

--

Both Ends

"I'm worried about you always being at the bottom of your class," said the father to his son.

"Don't worry Dad," he replied. "They still teach the same thing at both ends."

ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006

--

Knock knock! Who's there?

Tex

Tex who?

Tex two to tango.

ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006

Steve M. · 10-14-2006, 05:12 PM

NEWS FLASH: A ship carrying red apint and a ship carrying purple paint collided with each other out at sea, and both sank. The crews were reportedly marooned.

Penny Lane · 10-22-2006, 10:56 AM

Why are the Honey Dew Melon and the Watermelon having a big wedding?

Because they Canteloupe.

swedeace · 10-25-2006, 06:40 PM

Flat Belly

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "what were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

See what happens when you LIE to your child ?!?!

PZelda · 10-25-2006, 07:09 PM

Oh my, Mona!

10-01-2006, 05:16 PM	#63
swedeace Senior Member Member Join Date: Sep 22, 2003 Posts: 8,975	Spanish word for "computer" The Spanish Word for Computer A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.

10-03-2006, 03:15 AM	#66
treky Forum Veteran star trek fan Join Date: Feb 25, 2002 Location: Conshohocken, pennsylvania Posts: 12,682	a frog hopped into a bank one day. He hopped up on the counter, and said to the startled teller (whos name was Patty Wack) "I want to make a loan". The teller managed to say "OK, well, uh, um...d-do you have any collateral"? The frog said "Yes I do. I have this" and showed the teller a minature statue. He then said "Oh, by the way, my father is Keith Richards". The teller took the statue and said "Just a minute" and went in to see the supervisor. She walked o his office and, closing the door behind her said "You're NOT going to believe this, but, there is a talking frog out there, who claims that Keith Richards is his father, he wants to make a loan, and put THIS up for collateral". (and she held out the statue)" I don't even know what this is". The supervisor looked at it and said- "It's a knick-knack Patty Wack Give the frog a loan His old man's a Rolling Stone" I got it in an e-mail once. __________________ the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store. Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?" clerk: "Madam, those are rubies." Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her." clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady." Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."

10-13-2006, 01:39 PM	#70
swedeace Senior Member Member Join Date: Sep 22, 2003 Posts: 8,975	'kin Two good ole TN boys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. The 1st guy says, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I rightly don't know 'bout kin, but it sure'n would make us even."

10-14-2006, 03:26 AM	#71
bossradio93 Senior Member Game Show Fanatic! Join Date: Nov 01, 2004 Location: Bellflower, California Posts: 2,379	First of many! Cliche Turned Back "I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work," the son protested to his father. "Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least your age." "Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!" ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006 -- Peer Pressure A reporter interviewed a 104-year-old man. "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. "No peer pressure," he replied. ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006 -- Both Ends "I'm worried about you always being at the bottom of your class," said the father to his son. "Don't worry Dad," he replied. "They still teach the same thing at both ends." ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006 -- Knock knock! Who's there? Tex Tex who? Tex two to tango. ArcaMax Jokes-July 11, 2006 __________________ HBO Documentary: Left of the Dial: Grade: B+ "Morals aren't supposed to stop because it's politically inconvenient to continue them." Keith Olbermann - *Countdown with Keith Olbermann* April 22, 2009 (MSNBC) UPCOMING DVD RELEASES June 16, 2009: The Three Stooges Collection: Volume 6 Star Trek coming to KDOC-TV Monday May 4 @ 9:00pm Farewell KNX/CBS Columbia Square (April 30, 1938-August 12, 2005). Thanks for 67 great years of information and entertainment. My DVD Collection

10-22-2006, 10:56 AM	#73
Penny Lane Forum Celebrity Member Join Date: Jul 03, 2001 Location: Beneath the blue suburban skies Posts: 26,506	Why are the Honey Dew Melon and the Watermelon having a big wedding? Because they Canteloupe. __________________ The Beatles saved the world from boredom- George Harrison

10-01-2006, 08:52 PM	#64
Steve M. Forum Celebrity Holding the compass Join Date: Nov 07, 2003 Location: New Jersey Posts: 29,063	THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

10-03-2006, 08:49 AM	#67
Steve M. Forum Celebrity Holding the compass Join Date: Nov 07, 2003 Location: New Jersey Posts: 29,063	My cat was on television once. . . then my mother chased it off so she could dust the set.

10-14-2006, 05:12 PM	#72
Steve M. Forum Celebrity Holding the compass Join Date: Nov 07, 2003 Location: New Jersey Posts: 29,063	NEWS FLASH: A ship carrying red apint and a ship carrying purple paint collided with each other out at sea, and both sank. The crews were reportedly marooned.

10-25-2006, 06:40 PM	#74
swedeace Senior Member Member Join Date: Sep 22, 2003 Posts: 8,975	Flat Belly Flat Belly A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "what were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." See what happens when you LIE to your child ?!?!

10-25-2006, 07:09 PM	#75
PZelda Moderator Forum Legend Two Valeries! <3 Join Date: Jul 15, 2002 Location: I'm STILL missing NYC. :( Posts: 78,002	Oh my, Mona! __________________ Cheers behind the couch!

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