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Old 08-21-2014, 08:27 AM   #1591
Frank Gannucci
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Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
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Default Thursday's Quotes (x2):

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph is planning on doing the most work when he and Alice go on Beat The Clock.)

Ralph: "As usual, I am carrying the whole load on my shoulders."

Alice: "You are carrying the load but it's not on your shoulders."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ed: "I watch your show. It's very educational."

Bud Collyer (as himself): "Educational?"

Ed: "Yeah, it's a wonder what you could do with whipped cream on this
show."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph & Ed (singing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY IN THE MERRY, MERRY MONTH OF MAY. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A PAIR OF RUGGISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE SALOON BURN DOWN?"

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph tries to open the window to get Aunt Ethel's milk.)

Ethel: "Pull harder."

Ralph: "If I pull any harder, I will lift the building off the ground."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam! And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

Alice: "Well golly gee!"

"The Golfer":

(Ralph grabs the pin cushion.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWW! THERE IS PINS IN IT."

Ed: "What did you expect, chicken noodles?"

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "How about a donut?"

Ralph: "You know that I am on a diet. Besides, after this game we can get a pizza."

"The $99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "I am not going to Fred's Landing."

Ralph: "Don't go."

Alice: "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "I just hope one thing. That when we get to Fred's Landing, that you fall in love with the place. That way, when I get my vacation next year, I will leave you home."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"To Whomever It May Concern":

(Ed wrote SWAK on the back of Ralph's letter.)

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed With A Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."

"The Mexian Hat Trick":

(Ralph is disguised as El Diablo and Ed is disguised as El Norto at the El Bar-Ocho Cafe. Banging is heard as a Mexican is thrown out of the kitchen and falls onto a table thereby breaking it. You can tell that the table was fake.)

Ralph: "What was that all about?"

Bartender: "He wanted to join El Lobo's gang."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, why don't we just mail in our application?"

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

Ralph (to Charlie): "I'm on a diet. I've gone from 220."

Ed: "That's his room number. He actually gone from 280."
 
Old 08-22-2014, 11:02 AM   #1592
Frank Gannucci
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Default Friday's Quotes (x2):

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "How can you be so icky?"

Ralph: "Icky?"

Alice: "You are a termite Ralph. Strickly out of the wood."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "What does 'icky' mean?"

Ed: "I don't know. Why?"

Ralph: "Alice just said that I was icky."

Ed: "Must mean fat."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "My mistake was not going to a wedding the day I got married."

Alice: "What did you say? What did you say?"

Ralph: "I don't chew my cabbage twice."

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "Do you know what it like Alice to own a home? You can walk outside, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out in the hallway right now and do the same thing."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Ed, I realize that I can't talk to Ralph because he's stubborn and unreasonable. But, I have always had respect for your willing to play fair and so I appeal to you. It is getting late. People will like to get some sleep. I think you should stop playing the piano and I'm sure that you will agree with me Ed because you have always been fair and considerate. You are a reasonable man."

Ralph: "Don't let her fool you. You are just as unreasonable as I am."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."

"Follow The Boys":

(Trixie comes down in a Japanese geisha girl costume.)

Trixie: "Come here lover boy (Ed.)"

Ed: "Save me Ralph. I'm a sex symbol."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "Even the Constitution says that a man is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Ed: "But the marriage license is an amendment to the Constitution."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "Alice is going to an obstertrician."

Ed: "Good for her. It's about time that she gets that bunion removed."

"The Prowler":

Ed: "There is a prowler loose in the building. You better pile some furniture up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "I got in here something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling, it's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Raffitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "When he realizes who idea it was to make the collection to
get a gift, who do you think is going to get the promotion?"

Ed: "The guy who she is marrying, who else?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell him how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "I was driving my bus. He was going to walk across the street and then I stopped for a red light. If I gone through the light, I might have hit him. I saved his life."

Ed: "You didn't save his life, you saved your bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Maybe we can Gleason to come if we say it is for charity."

Alice: "What charity is this?"

Ed: "Well, see we need a new pool table and when we get the money, we will give the pool table to the settlement house if they have enough money for it."
 
Old 08-23-2014, 10:04 AM   #1593
Frank Gannucci
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Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 4,054
Default Saturday's Quotes (x2):

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, did your first day really go well?"

Ed: "It was a dark, dark day."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "If you can write music, you can write any kind of music."

Ed: "Oh yeah?"

Ralph: "Yeah."

Ed: "Name me one Rhumba that Beethoven wrote."

"Battle of The Sexes":

(Ed & Ralph have been having Franks and beans for three days.)

Ralph: "I would like to have a decent meal too."

Ed: "Yeah, I see that you are wasting away to a blimp."

"Without Reservations":

Stanley: "You know that this is the first time in a long time that I have been here for one of your meals?"

Ralph: "You act like you haven't eaten since."

"Without Reservations":

Stanley: "Ralph, tell me. Are there any more openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stanley: "Then how do you get in the building?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How am I supposed to waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Cupid Part 1":

Ralph (to Herman): "You are easy going. You are considerate. Now what woman would want that?"

Ed: "How about Alice?"

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "I am not the type that eats-and-runs."

Alice: "Eats-and-runs? With the way you eat, you are lucky that you can walk."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember, you can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arm around you."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ed: "I can you a job with me down in the sewer. All you have to do is pass the test."

Ralph: "What test?"

Ed: "Can you float?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You are willing to shell out money from your life insurance for this carzy idea. That settles it Ralph. You got rocks in your head."

Ralph (yells): "I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I GOT NOTHING IN MY HEAD!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Alice: "The only thing that is overstuffed around here is YOU."

Ralph: "That is the same line that your mother used when I threw her out bodily."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "When you save the money, you can't take it with you."

Alice: "You are right. I never go anyplace."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Ralph: "Alice, I hope that you are satisfied. You are the first woman in history to interupt that Raccoon song."

Alice: "Well Scottie-Wattie-Do-Dah-Day!"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."
 
Old 08-23-2014, 04:06 PM   #1594
Frank Gannucci
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"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "Where is the landlord?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(The phone rings. Alice picks it up.)

Alice: "Hello?" (slightly poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph and Ed arrive in the Kramdens apartment. Ralph thinks that Alice is asleep in the bedroom.)

Ralph (whispering): "Shhh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What's that Ralph?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "There is no spot to small for me to get out of."

Ed: "Then how come I am always the one making the calls in the phone booth?"

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ralph wants money so he can get the hot dog stand. Alice has repeatedly said no. Ralph isn't giving up.)

Ralph: "Will you let me have it? Will you let me have it?"

Alice (mockingly): "Will you let me have it? Will you let me have it?"

Ralph: "Boy, I would love to let you have it."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is about to sit on Ed's toy boat and he doesn't know it. Ed tries to warn him.)

Ed: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you."

Ed: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Shut up!"

Ralph (sitting on the toy boat, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
 
Old 08-24-2014, 08:09 AM   #1595
Frank Gannucci
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"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ed: "You should go down to my Uncle's place in New Jersey. 'Bullets' will never find you there."

Ralph: "He won't?"

Ed: "No, I have been going down there for the past three Sundays in a row. I can't even find the place myself."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ed: "As long as I am in an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

(Ralph gets up and signals for Ed to leave.)

Ed: "This is no way..."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"One Big Happy Family":

Man (from upstairs, yells): "KNOCK OFF THE NOISE DOWN THERE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Man (from upstairs, yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ralph & Ed are making the hair-making formula in a bowl.)

Ralph: "You stupid stupe. You made me poor the beer in the bowl."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "'Ralph, I want the ice box painted.' 'I want a curtain for the bedroom window.' Why do we need a curtain for the bedroom window? All you see is a brick wall. You are not married to Nelson Rockefeller."

Alice: "I got news for you Ralph. You are not married to Happy either."
 
Old 08-25-2014, 08:11 AM   #1596
Frank Gannucci
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"Expectant Father":

(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant. Ralph thinks that Alice is pregannt. They all act real nice around their wives.)

Trixie: "What is going on here?"

Ed: "That is for you to know and for me to find out."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "You can't put a square box in a round hole."

Ralph: "No? Then how did you get your head in your hat?"

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "What kind of peanut butter is that? Is that the crunchy kind?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When
this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "I will have you know my good man that that is what they are serving at the Eisenhower Inaugural Dinner."

Ralph: "Who's catering there, democrats?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Relax Ralph. No one is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Ed."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that's strong enough to do that."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Ralph: "What's the matter with you? Here my house is braking up and my happiness is being destroyed and you want to go bowling."

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. How about a little game of pool?"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

Ed: "Hey, whay don't you name the dog 'Ralph'?"

Ralph: "'Ralph?'"

Ed: "Yeah, that way not only people can call him, dogs can call him. Ralph. Ralph."

(Ed makes barking sounds.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"
 
Old 08-26-2014, 08:08 AM   #1597
Frank Gannucci
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"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Two men come into Ralph's apartment to offer him a job as insurance executive.)

Man: "Our operators have sent us a stack of reports about you that are a mile high."

Ralph: "Did you hear the story yesterday about me helping out an old lady with her bags."

Man: "Did I? She was one of our operators."

"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph is protesting a rent increase and wants Alice to back him.)

Ralph: "Why can't you get behind me?"

Alice: "It's not that I don't want to Ralph, it's just that, there's not much room back there."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish that he claimed that he had a big tug-of-war with.)

Alice: "This is the fish you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidently causes Ralph to miss his shot in pool. Ralph is angry. He hits Ed's foot with his pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with his pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OW!"

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Ed said for all the sewer workers to come formal to the party."

Alice: "Formal?"

Trixie: "White ties and black boots."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Hot Tips" (Color):

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are waering at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. Not the people."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "I'm trying to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that could do it."
 
Old 08-27-2014, 11:57 AM   #1598
Frank Gannucci
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Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 4,054
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Surprise! Much to my surprise, I found out that the places that I am staying here in France have free wi-fi. So...

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like to have my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell like that and you will get one lump."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says I have something that stretches from the
theater and goes out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly do."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ed & Ralph are doing a crossword puzzle.)

Ed: "Sofa." (writing): "S-o-f..." (not writing): "What is that an A or an E?"

Ralph: "It's A or E."

Ed (writing): "A or E."

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Ed is gone."

Ralph: "I know that he is. I knew that the first day I met him."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(It's Ed's birthday and Ralph wants to get off cheaply.)

Alice: "Ed took you to the Kit Kat Klub on your birthday."

Ralph: 'Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa Cabana."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed is sitting on the piano.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Ed (yells): "YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE IT FROM THE TOP."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(The salesman shows the Kramdens and Nortons a very small box.)

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that there is one bathing suit in there?"

Man: "One? There are six of them in here."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing I ever got into."

Alice: "That would be your pants."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "Can I use your phone?"

Ed: "No, Trixie is dressing."

Ralph: "But the phone is in the kitchen."

Ed: "That is where she is dressing. There is no window shade in the bedroom."
 
Old 08-28-2014, 01:31 AM   #1599
Frank Gannucci
Senior Member
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Join Date: Mar 05, 2007
Posts: 4,054
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“Stars Over Flatbush”:

Ralph: “The horoscope is bigger than I am.”

Alice: “Nothing is bigger than you are.”

“The Man From Space”:

Ralph: “If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side.”

Ed: “When you walk down a street, there AIN’T no other side.”

“Please Leave The Premises”:

Ralph: “What I say goes.”

Alice: “Then you better say Alice because I am going.”

“Oh My Aching Back”:

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back. He looks terrible.)

Ralph: “Does this look natural?”

Ed: “Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza.”

“A Weighty Problem Part 1”:

Ralph: “For your information, I am four pound underweight. It says so in the chart.”

Alice: “You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo.”

“A Weighty Problem Part 1”:

Ralph: “I can’t find the report.”

Ed: “Maybe you ate it.”

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."
 
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