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Old 03-25-2017, 03:02 PM   #1
TVAdam No More
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Default The Masked Bagger (issues 1-10)

This is going to be a different kind of fan fiction. It's fan fiction of the grocery store Kroger. These are original stories I wrote between the years 2013 and 2017. I had just intended to share them with friends and co-workers, but decided to put them online as well. I didn't know where, so I decided on Sitcoms Online.

I've written 40 issues and plan to post them all. But I have to basically re-write each issue to fit into the structure of Sitcoms Online.

Excuse any typos, as I typed this in a hurry.


ISSUE #1. Transfer to 717

Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck (31 years-old)
Professor Tincher (45 years-old)
Katie Collins (21 years-old)
Mickey Tork (20 years-old)
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Last edited by Adamantium; 10-01-2018 at 11:31 AM.
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Old 03-25-2017, 03:09 PM   #2
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Guest Starring:
Vince Beckett (47 years-old)
Evil Race of Bird-Men
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Last edited by Adamantium; 03-31-2017 at 10:48 AM.
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Old 03-25-2017, 03:22 PM   #3
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ISSUE #1. Transfer to 717

Originally Released on February 13th, 2013

The Story Begins…

The Masked Bagger is sitting in a gigantic bird’s nest, high up in the sky above Kroger 717. He looks defeated. He takes out his camcorder and pushes record.

Masked Bagger: I’m The Masked Bagger. Although I guess by the time you’re watching this video, I *was* The Masked Bagger. I don’t see any way out of this situation. I imagine I’ll die up here, but I don’t want to die without telling my story… the story of how I became The Masked Bagger. To start off (pause) I’m not from this Earth. It’s been explained to me that there are five different levels of Earth. I merely come from one of them. Incidentally, it’s the boring one. You see, it all started when I was outside my Kroger store, sweeping the sidewalk. Suddenly, there was a loud crash. I looked over and noticed a briefcase that wasn’t there before. I opened it up. There was a DVD inside.

CUT TO: Adam Hauck is inside his house. He puts the DVD inside the player and sits down. Professor Tincher appears on the screen.

Professor Tincher: If you’re watching this… we need your help. I work for Kroger store 717. It’s um, on a different Earth, so your travel arrangements will be quite unique.

The upcoming dialogue is narrated over scenes of Adam watching the video, packing his things for the move, and hugging his family and friends goodbye. He ends up at Kroger, in the manager’s office, and then vanishes.

Masked Bagger Narration: Professor Tincher seemed very convincing. He explained to me that I would be a superhero on this other earth. I was skeptical at first, of course, as any normal human being would be. But, you know, it would be an adventure, and I was longing for adventure in my life. Besides, the supernatural evil has already found its way to four of the five different Earth levels. So by my coming here to fight, I would be protecting my Earth from the dangers that come with it. Anyways, back to the story. I returned to my Kroger store - as instructed - to be transported to this earth level.

CUT TO: Kroger 717 - The Manager’s Office. Professor Tincher is standing in the room, looking straight ahead… at nothing. Suddenly, Adam Hauck appears out of thin air. The two men look at one another.

Professor Tincher: Adam Hauck, I presume.

Adam Hauck: Professor Tincher, hello.

They shake hands.

Professor Tincher: We have a lot of work to do, so let’s go downstairs to the basement of Kroger.

Adam Hauck: You guys have a basement? Neat-o.

Professor Tincher: “Neat-O.” Is that a word the people of your Earth use?

Adam Hauck: Sure. I mean a couple people do, I guess.

They both exit the office.

CUT TO: The basement of Kroger 717. The Professor and his eager student walk down the steps, and end up at a laboratory.

Adam Hauck: I like it. So this is like my Bat-Cave?

Professor Tincher: Yes. Very much so. This is where I spend most of my time. Heck, I reside here. When the employees think I’ve gone home for the night, I actually go down here.

Adam Hauck: I don’t live down here, too? Do I?

Professor Tincher: No, no. I own a house across the street. You’ll live there - rent free.

Adam Hauck: Cool. Thanks.

Professor Tincher: It’s nothing.

Adam Hauck: So in the video, you said I’ll be a superhero. How’s that gonna work? What powers am I going to have?

Professor Tincher: Super strength.

Adam Hauck: Awesome! Because I’ve always been kind of a weakling.

Professor Tincher: Coming from the level of Earth you do, you have 17% more strength than the average person in this world. Hence, the super strength.

Adam Hauck: Wait, that’s it?

Professor Tincher: Yep. Don’t worry. I’ll train you how to fight, and you’ll be equipped with certain gizmos and gadgets to battle the bad guys.

Adam Hauck: Did I come all this way just to be Kroger security?

Professor Tincher: Adam, listen to me. This is the hot spot of evil for this world. That’s why we have this store. To contain it. The customers are the bait that keeps the evil here.

Adam Hauck: I’m sure they’d love to know *that*.

Professor Tincher: That’s why we’re in business. To keep the evil inside this building so it won’t escape, and spread like wildfire, consuming this world. There are a couple of super villains I’ve apprehended and imprisoned down here already, but I just barely survived both times. That’s when I knew I had to contact someone from your Earth level to be our guardian. The customers are just so sick and tired of dying while shopping here.

Adam Hauck: Then why do they shop here?

Professor Tincher: We have some really great sales.

CUT TO: Moments later. The Professor is standing by, waiting for Adam. Adam comes back into the room dressed in full Masked Bagger attire.

Adam Hauck: This is it? Just this little mask over my eyes?

Professor Tincher: That’s it. Pretty cool, huh?

Adam Hauck: My name is The Masked Bagger. I only bag as Adam, so The Masked Bagger isn’t even a bagger, and this is a dinky mask. If it’s in the name, shouldn’t the mask be more prominent?

Professor Tincher: Adam, please. You don’t want some big mask that’ll get you all sweaty. It’s much better this way.

Adam Hauck: But won’t everyone know it’s me?

Professor Tincher: You know how in comic books on your world, no one ever knows that Batman is Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker is Spider-Man, Dick Grayson is Robin, and most of all, no one knows that Clark Kent is Superman? All he does is TAKE OFF HIS GLASSES! People are quite clueless in the comics.

Adam Hauck: Sure, but those are comic books - stories of fiction.

Professor Tincher: The people of this world have the same mentality as the people in comic books on your world. Trust me. No one will know you’re The Masked Bagger unless you tell them.

Adam Hauck: So people in this world are all some percentage dumber than the people of my world?

Professor Tincher: In certain aspects yes. You and I are quite possibly the smartest people here.

Adam Hauck: Well see, now that’s just scary.

CUT TO: The front end of the store. Professor Tincher - known to the employees as “Mr. Tincher,” the store manager - introduces Adam (who is now wearing his regular Kroger clothes) to the two other baggers: Mickey Tork and Katie Collins.

Professor Tincher: Mickey, Katie, this is our newest bagger, Adam Hauck. Mickey, I’d like you to train him.

Mickey Tork: Sure thing, Mr. Tincher.

Tincher leaves.

Mickey Tork: So, Adam, how old are you?

Adam Hauck: I’m 31.

Katie Collins: And you’re a bagger? Shouldn’t you be a cashier, or work in another department… something? I mean DANG! You’re old for a bagger.

Adam Hauck: No, I’m content with this.

Adam notices how stunning Katie is. He’s instantly fallen for her. Which explains why he has trouble looking in her direction, and why he mainly focuses on Mickey. He’s shy.

Adam Hauck: So are you ready to train me?

Mickey Tork: Yes, but don’t get pushy. I was about to take my break, so I think I’ll do that first. Just stay by Katie’s side, and she’ll show you the ropes until I get back in twenty.

Adam Hauck: Aren’t breaks *fifteen* minutes?

He smiles at Katie as if by saying that, he’s impressing her. She’s not.

Mickey Tork: Are you a spy?

Adam Hauck: Huh?

Mickey Tork: Did Mr. Tincher hire you to spy on the baggers?

Adam Hauck: No.

Mickey Tork: Okay. Good. Then like I say, I’ll be back in twenty.

Mickey walks away. Adam turns to Katie. She smiles at him. It’s just a friendly smile, but it melts his heart.

Katie Collins: So Imma ‘bout to go outside and do carts. You can come with.

Adam Hauck: Oh, okay.

Adam stands there smiling at her nervously. She’s weirded out by it.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to stop smiling like a jackass, and get yo butt outside.

Adam Hauck: You talk like you’re from the streets. That’s so cute.

Katie Collins: You’re a weirdo.

CUT TO: Mickey is walking Adam around the store.

Mickey Tork: Listen, I’m sorry if I was kind of rude before. I just get grouchy when I’m hungry, and my break was already so late.

Adam Hauck: It’s okay. So, Mickey, what do you think about Katie Collins?

Mickey Tork: I love her. She’s a buddy of mine.

Adam Hauck: Just a “buddy”?

Mickey Tork: Yep. That’s all. I guess the real question is… what do *you* think about Katie Collins?

Adam Hauck: She’s cute, and seems to be really nice. Does she have a boyfriend?

Mickey Tork: Not at the moment, but I think there’s a guy she’s talking to.

Adam Hauck: Oh, well. I guess I should wait and see if I’m gonna stay here before I start to pursue her.

Mickey Tork: Why wouldn’t you stay here at the store?

Adam Hauck: “The store”? Yeah, that’s what I meant. Stay here… at the store.

Mickey Tork: Dude, are you suicidal?

Adam Hauck: Uh, no. I thought I was, but then I kept *not* killing myself, so I don’t think I could be considered suicidal.

Mickey Tork: Then what are you talking about?

Adam Hauck: Nothing. Now on with the training.

Mickey Tork: Okay, but if I spend today training you and then you just up and kill yourself tomorrow, I’m gonna be ticked. Day wasted.

Adam Hauck: Gotcha. I won’t kill myself - just for you.

Mickey Tork: Thank you. Now on with the training.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is in his lab. Suddenly, an alarm goes off.

Professor Tincher: Uh-oh. The birds are loose!

CUT TO: Adam and Mickey in the produce department doing a price check. Vince Beckett is standing by the pineapples.

Mickey Tork: Watch out for this guy, Adam. His name is Vince Beckett. He’s the produce head. He’s a tool.

The two baggers approach Beckett.

Mickey Tork: Hey Vince, how much are the pineapples?

Vince Beckett: Who wants to know?

Mickey Tork: A customer. She claims they’re buy one get one free, but they don’t ring up that way.

Vince Beckett: Then, Mr. Tork, the customer is wrong. If you don’t believe that, then you’re saying I don’t know how to do my job and put the correct price in the computer. I know you wouldn’t dare say that, would you?

Mickey Tork: Um, no?

Vince Beckett: Very good.

Vince looks at Adam.

Vince Beckett: Hello, I’m Vince Beckett.

Adam Hauck: Adam Hauck. I’m new.

Vince Beckett: Seeing as I’ve been here seventeen years, and this is the first I’ve seen of you, I assumed you were new. You just wasted your voice by telling me that.

Adam Hauck: (loudly) Wow, you’re right Mickey. This guy IS a tool!

Mickey Tork: (nervous) Adam!

Vince Beckett: Why you little…

Suddenly - and interrupting Vince - gasps and screams from throughout the store are heard in the produce. Adam turns around and sees panicky people. He runs over to the bagger’s closet - where his Masked Bagger outfit is - and changes into the identity of the superhero where he’s about to go to action for the first time! People in the store look at the masked figure standing in front of the bagger’s closet. They’re amazed, even though they don’t know who he is.

Masked Bagger: Don’t panic people of the store. I am The Masked Bagger, Guardian of Kroger 717! I’ll protect you!

Suddenly a giant bird-man flies over to The Masked Bagger, and lands in front of him. Adam has a massive fear of birds, so seeing one as big as himself is naturally terrifying to him.

Masked Bagger: Gotta go!

Masked Bagger runs away as fast as he can, headed for the basement. Not exactly the debut he wanted, but once again, Adam lets fear control his actions.

CUT TO: The basement. Professore Tincher is down there, watching the store on a monitor. He’s expecting Adam. Adam - still in his Masked Bagger outfit - arrives.

Masked Bagger: You didn’t say anything about giant birds!

Professor Tincher: Bird phobia, eh?

Masked Bagger: Yes. Big time.

Professor Tincher: Face your fears. You have a job to do.

Masked Bagger: I can’t fight giant birds.

Professor Tincher: They are very easy to defeat. Just one punch and they’re dead.

Masked Bagger: That’s it? One punch?

Professor Tincher: Yes. They’re more of a nuisance than a threat. They have a giant nest up above the store. So every now and then they make their way inside and scare the customers.

Masked Bagger: So I punch them and suddenly there’s a bunch of dead bird bodies all over the place? That thought creeps me out, too.

Professor Tincher: No. Once they die, they vanish. It’s just that most people are so frightened of them, they don’t think to punch the birds. It’s not like we can have a sign on the door telling people to just punch the giant bird-men attacking them. Plus PETA is highly against even this conversation.

Masked Bagger: Tell me more about supernatural evil.

Professor Tincher: Supernatural evil comes in the form of “freak accidents” that turn regular people into super villains. There’s this legend of a Kroger Devil that causes these accidents. Now, I don’t know the complete origin of these birds, but they are all part of its evil plan. So what do you say? Get back to work?

Masked Bagger: I quit. You can send me home, right?

Professor Tincher: (sighs) I can, if that’s what you really want.

Masked Bagger: I can’t do this. I’m too scared. You don’t know this but I have a lot of fears. Plus I’m lazy. I have no motivation for anything. That’s always been the case. I was hoping it would be different with this, but I just don’t have the motivation I thought I would.

Professor Tincher: I’ll bet if your “Uncle Ben” was murdered, you’d find the motivation to fight crime!

Masked Bagger: Hey, don’t use my love of superhero origin stories to get me to stay!

Professor Tincher: Come on, Adam. The store needs you.

Masked Bagger: The store needs something a whole lot bigger than me.

They both pause for a moment.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry. I’m just used to setting up jokes where someone hits me with a punch line like “There IS nothing bigger than you, fatty!” I’m outta here.

Adam begins to walk away.

Professor Tincher: If you walk, there is zero hope for this store. There is zero hope for Katie Collins!

Adam stops and turns around. He walks back to the Professor.

Professor Tincher: Yeah, I know you have a crush on her.

Masked Bagger: What can I do? I’m just a coward from another world.

Professor Tincher: If that’s all you were, you wouldn’t be here in the first place. You were chosen for this store for a reason.

Masked Bagger: And what’s the reason?

Professor Tincher: Um, well, the reason is to show how any random person can be a superhero with the proper training. I had a list of all the Kroger employees on your world, closed my eyes, and pointed to a name. I picked you.

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) Well I’m certainly flattered.

Professor Tincher: You should be.

Masked Bagger: (sighs) I guess I have to try harder before I give up - this time. I always give up too easily. That’s why I never did anything with my life. My childhood dream was to be a superhero, and I’m talking about walking away from it. If I give up on this, there’s no hope for me at all.

Professor Tincher: (jokingly) Good. Make this all about YOU. Selfish.

Masked Bagger: Right, well anyways, I’m back in. Let’s do this. Some men fight their inner demons. I fight… giant bird-men. Somehow, I prefer the inner demons.

Professor Tincher: Alright. “The Masked Bagger”… take two!

CUT TO: The Masked Bagger is walking from the manager’s office - where the basement lab is underneath - headed for the front end of the store. There are plenty of the bird-men walking around the store. Some are even flying. The Masked Bagger approaches a bird-man.

Masked Bagger: Let’s see if the Professor was right.

Masked Bagger punches the evil bird-man in the face. It falls to the floor, and a couple seconds later, vanishes.

Masked Bagger: (he smiles) Son of a bleep. It works.

As The Masked Bagger makes his way to the front end, he punches a few more bird-men, killing them. One bird-man flies over him. As it does so, Masked Bagger jumps up and grabs both wings with each hand, then swings his arms down in front of him, causing the bird-man to hit the floor, head first. A couple seconds pass and it vanishes. Remember, these aren’t normal, everyday birds. These are evil creatures. So don’t feel sorry for them. Anyway, The Masked Bagger makes it to the front end of the store, and sees six bird-men surrounding Katie. She looks terrified. Masked Bagger approaches. He notices two 2-liters of Big K pop on a register, and gets an idea. He grabs both of the 2-liters.

Masked Bagger: Hey feathered freaks! Why don’t you peck on me? (he smiles) Get it? It’s like “pick on me” but because you’re birds, I changed it to “peck on me.” I’m funny.

No one laughs.

Masked Bagger: Okay, note to self… you won’t be a superhero that makes witty remarks.

All six bird-men walk over to Masked Bagger. They surround him: two in front of him, facing him; two behind him, and one bird-man on each side. Masked Bagger throws the pop bottle from his left hand up in the air, followed quickly by the one in his right. As he aims to punch the two bird-men in front of him, his elbows bash into the two bird-men behind him, causing them to fall over and vanish. His fists move forward at a fast pace as he punches the two in front of him. They also fall back and perish. Masked Bagger grabs the bird-man on his left by its shirt, and pulls it close by, where the Big K pop bottle lands on its head, killing it. He then grabs the last bird-man - on his right - and pulls him closer, where the other pop bottle falls and hits it on the head as well, causing its death. All six evil creatures have perished. Katie walks over to the superhero.

Masked Bagger: You’re safe now, Katie.

Katie Collins: How do you know my name? Who are you?

The Masked Bagger looks down for her name tag, so he can say “Your name tag says Katie.” However, she’s not wearing one.

Masked Bagger: Uh, I…

Just then, one of the giant birds swoops down and grabs Masked Bagger, and flies away with him. The bird-man flies outside of the building and drops Masked Bagger in a giant bird nest, high above the Kroger store.

Bird-Man#1: Stay here. When I return with my posse, we will KILL you!

The bird-man flies away.

Masked Bagger: These birds can talk!?! It just got real all up in here!

CUT TO: Back to The Masked Bagger making his farewell video.

Masked Bagger: And here I am. Just waiting to die. It’s funny how I can save others but not myself. It’s also funny how easily I give up. People of Kroger 717 need me and here I am sitting in a bird’s nest, defeated and feeling sorry for myself.

Masked Bagger looks down. It’s a long way down.

Masked Bagger: Either I die up here when the birds come back or I try to get down there and maybe I survive to protect the people of 717 from the evil that is sure to be headed their way. It’s a no-brainer. That’s got a double meaning too, because if I fall, my brain will be laying next to what’s left of my body, and so I’ll have no brain. Hence the term “no-brainer.” Yep, now I’m just stalling. Enough splattered-brain talk. Time to save the day!

Masked Bagger pushes the stop button on his camcorder, and puts it in his pocket. He takes his orange cart strap and hooks it to a secure part of the nest. He takes a deep breath and then jumps off the nest, holding onto the strap (obviously). He swings down to underneath the nest and grabs onto the pole, which the nest is sitting on. Masked Bagger yanks on the cart strap, and it lets go of the nest. He wraps it back around himself and slides down the pole. It’s a long way down but it’s the only option he has at the moment. After a couple minutes of sliding, The Masked Bagger finally makes it to the ground. The pole is right behind the Kroger building, so Masked Bagger runs around to the front of the outside of the store. There are bird-men out there, walking around and terrorizing people. The Masked Bagger gets his cart strap and swings it in the air a few times before aiming at a bird-man and landing a blow with it, causing it to fall over dead. Masked Bagger does that to a couple more bird-men, swinging the cart strap around and hitting them with it. He puts it away, and as if possessed by a Power Ranger, he punches and kicks these bird freaks on his way back into the store. There are still plenty of bird-men inside. The Masked Bagger decides to return to the basement. Not because he’s scared, but rather to see if the Professor has a plan.

CUT TO: The Masked Bagger enters the basement. Professor Tincher sees him.

Professor Tincher: Adam! You’re alive!

Masked Bagger: Don’t sound so surprised, Prof.

Professor Tincher: I’m sorry. I’m just happy.

Masked Bagger: So do you have any ideas? I’ve taken a bunch of these bird freaks out, but there’s still a lot more.

Professor Tincher: I have an idea. It’s time I introduce you to the Bagger-Mobile. It’s a cleaning cart that I’ve turned into a vehicle.

Masked Bagger: And this job just gets cooler as it goes along.

CUT TO: Katie is still on the front end. She looks over, towards the manager’s office, and sees Masked Bagger, driving the Bagger-Mobile, headed in her direction.

Katie Collins: Look everyone! It’s The Masked Bagger! He’s coming back! And he be drivin’!

Suddenly an applause fills the store as all the people clap at the return of their protector. The Bagger-Mobile continues to drive, until the masked hero stops by one of the birds, who is taunting a female customer.

Masked Bagger: Yippie-Ki-Yay, Mother-Feather!

Masked Bagger pushes a button and a giant Kroger bag is ejected from the vehicle. It covers the bird-man as if it was a large body bag, from head to claw. The hero then pulls a lever and a large toilet paper roll shoots out at such a fast speed that when it hits the bagged bird-man, it kills it. The bag drops to the floor. It’s occupant - dead and vanished. Masked Bagger continues driving. He drives around the whole store, ridding the building of these evil bird-men. In one case, a bird-man is flying by, and Masked Bagger ejects another large Kroger bag, capturing it in mid-air. This time, the bag stays attached to the vehicle and at our hero’s command, it starts to spin around. After a few speeding twirls, the bag separates from the Bagger-Mobile, sending the bird at a high speed into a wall, killing it on impact. The Masked Bagger gets to the bakery and looks down through the meat department, all the way to dairy. Bird-men are lined up, angry and waiting to take on the masked hero.

Masked Bagger: This better work.

Masked Bagger begins to speed towards the bird-men. He pushes a button in the vehicle, and a big metal shield covers the front of the Bagger-Mobile. He plows into these creatures, causing them to bounce off the metal shield and die. Masked Bagger has made it to the dairy and spins the vehicle around. He looks ahead at where all those bird-men were, and some are still alive. They avoided certain death somehow. The shield goes back down, and Masked Bagger steps on the gas, headed in their direction. This time he speeds by them shooting out enough Kroger bags to capture each of them. They can’t fly inside the bags, so they just lay on the floor, wriggling around. Masked Bagger stops his vehicle at the bakery department and gets out. He walks towards the evil bagged creatures and kicks each of them, instantly killing them. Once he’s finished, The Masked Bagger walks back to the Bagger-Mobile and drives off, looking for more. Once he gets to the front end, he realizes that they’re all gone. At least for now. He gets out of the car to a crowd, who again, applaud their hero.

Masked Bagger: Thank you. Seriously, thanks, everyone. Strange, evil things will occur in this store, like they have for a while now. But don’t worry. I’m here to protect you all. To the customers: continue to shop here. We have great prices, and I never get a day off, so I’ll always be here for you. To the employees: Keep up the great work. Together, we can make this one of the best grocery stores out there. If any of you ever need me, well, I’ll be around. And please only contact me with the intercom in case of emergency.

He gets back into his vehicle and speeds off, headed for a secret entrance in the photo lab. A couple minutes later, Mickey walks over and spots Katie. He runs up to her.

Mickey Tork: Katie!

Katie Collins: Mickey!

They hug. Adam - in his regular Kroger clothes - walks over and sees the two baggers hugging. He’s jealous that Mickey gets to hug Katie, and decides to go for a hug himself.

Adam Hauck: Katie!

Adam hugs her, but she doesn’t hug back. Her arms are down at her sides.

Katie Collins: Where have you been, Adam? Once the store turned to chaos, I didn’t see you.

Adam Hauck: I, uh, hid in the photo lab. I was scared.

Katie Collins: I figured you were a coward. Looks like I’m right.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, well, it’s been a heck of a first day.

Katie Collins: Yeah, Puddin’. I guess it has been.

Adam smiles at Katie calling him “Puddin’” but figures it doesn’t mean anything.

Adam Hauck: Let’s get back to bagging. Surprising as it is, after such an event, there are already customers in line to pay for their groceries.

Mickey Tork: Haha, yeah. Some have been there the whole time.

Adam Hauck: Kroger customers are the most fearless people out there. Their lives are in danger, but that won’t stop them from buying the cereal they came in for.

Katie Collins: Or the pack of cigarettes.

Mickey Tork: They gotta have their Tastykakes, too.

Adam, Katie and Mickey all look at each other and start to laugh. Then the three baggers each go to a different register and bag for the customers.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Adam Hauck are in the basement lab.

Professor Tincher: You did it, Adam. How does it feel?

Adam Hauck: It feels great. I didn’t give up this time and I actually made a difference. I helped people. My fear of birds hasn’t gone away. In fact, it’s bigger than it was before, but at least I know I’m capable of fighting them when I need to. I think I’ll do fine in my new job.

Professor Tincher: It’s gonna be a long battle to rid this store of evil villains, but there’s no one else I’d rather have wearing that mask than you. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Adam Hauck: Yep. The only downside to all of this is that when I’m not fighting crime, I have to actually bag.

Professor Tincher: Oh hush, and enjoy your first victory as… The Masked Bagger!


Last edited by Adamantium; 10-01-2018 at 11:32 AM.
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Old 03-25-2017, 03:24 PM   #4
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Additional pictures shows the Bagger-Mobile and another bird-man.
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Old 03-26-2017, 11:42 AM   #5
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ISSUE #2. The Pineapple-Man Cometh

Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
Pineapple-Man alias Vince Beckett
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Last edited by Adamantium; 10-01-2018 at 11:33 AM.
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Old 03-26-2017, 11:48 AM   #6
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ISSUE #2. The Pineapple-Man Cometh

Originally Released On March 9th, 2013

Our Story Begins...

It’s a rainy Monday morning. Adam and Katie are at the registers, bagging. Mickey walks up to them.

Mickey Tork: Well I’m Employee of the Month again. It’s pretty exciting.

Katie Collins: Congrats.

Adam Hauck: That’s great, Mick. Although, you’d kind of think Masked Bagger would be Employee of the Month. I mean he did save the store from those insanely giant birds.

Mickey Tork: Yeah. Yeah, he did. However, we’ve had those birds in the store before. They are a problem, yes, but they would have left on their own eventually.

Adam Hauck: I don’t know. From what I saw…

Katie interrupts.

Katie Collins: You didn’t see anything. You were in the photo lab, hiding like a little baby.

Adam Hauck: (sarcastically) Yeah, that’s exactly what babies do. They hide. You got me. I’m a big baby.

Mickey Tork: Look, Masked Bagger is a great addition to the store, but I’ve been here three years. He’s been here half a month. It’ll be his turn one day.

Adam Hauck: Maybe *I’ll* even have a turn to be Employee of the Month.

Katie and Mickey both snicker.

Katie Collins: Pretty sure you have to do some actual work to get that. You’re always wandering around the store when you should be up here bagging.

Adam Hauck: I have important business elsewhere.

Mickey Tork: Like cleaning the photo lab, so in case of another bird attack, you’ll already be in your hiding place?

Mickey and Katie both laugh. Adam wants to speak up about where he goes, but that’s Masked Bagger related, and he has to keep it a secret.

CUT TO: Vince Beckett is outside about to throw away fruit remains into the compost. He’s angry and talking to himself.

Vince Beckett: How dare Tincher force me to work today? I am Vince Beckett, and I had plans. He has no right to make me work. Something needs to be done about that maroon.

Vince sees a ladder standing in front of the compost, and steps up on it. He lifts the lid and looks down, noticing the fruit and vegetable remains are starting to boil. Vince is fascinated and a little frightened. Within a few seconds, they all melt into liquid form.

Vince Beckett: Hmm, that’s peculiar.

Ignoring the strange happenings, Vince reaches down and picks up the trash can with the leftover fruit and veggies, and watches them melt. A weird feeling comes over Vince. Suddenly a bolt of lightning strikes the ladder, causing Vince to fall forward - right into the compost. He makes a splash, stays under for only a few seconds, burns, and quickly crawls out. He drops to the ground and lays there in agony. His flesh is starting to mutate.

Vince Beckett: (quietly) Help… me.

CUT TO: Later in the day. Adam is depressed and bagging for a customer.

Customer #1: I have my own bags.

Adam Hauck: I wasn’t going to say it, but you DO… right under your eyes.

CUT TO: Adam is bagging for a different customer. He’s almost finished bagging the order in plastic bags. The customer looks down at him and says…

Customer #2: I want them bagged in paper sacks!

Adam Hauck: And I want a girlfriend. We don’t always get what we want. However, had you said paper sacks before I started bagging, you might have gotten them.

CUT TO: Adam is bagging for a different customer.

Customer #3: Oh, I brought my own bags.

Adam Hauck: You are aware that we provide bags for you, right? You don’t need to bring your own. It’s like if I joined the military and was about to be given weapons, and said “No thanks. I brought my own guns.” They wouldn’t be too happy with that. Or if I go out to a restaurant and a waiter comes over and asks me what I want, and I say “I’m good. I brought my own food.” Then I whip out a pizza and start eating it. No.

CUT TO: Adam is sitting in the manager’s office with Professor Tincher - who besides being Masked Bagger’s mentor, is the store manager.

Professor Tincher: Adam, I don’t know. As a superhero, you’re doing a great job. You faced your fears and battled big birds and saved the day. As a bagger, however…

Adam Hauck: I was a bagger for a really long time at my old store. I’m just tired. Plus, I don’t see why I have to bag at all. Shouldn’t I focus all my energy on fighting crime and saving lives?

Professor Tincher: Have you even read a single comic book at all?

Adam Hauck: Yes, and that’s back when it made me an outcast. Now it’s “the cool thing to do.” What’s your point?

Professor Tincher: Superheroes lead double lives. They have secret identities to protect the loved ones around them. Also, they’re vigilantes, so they don’t want the police to know where they live.

Adam Hauck: Okay, look. I’m not gonna lie. I want to impress Katie. I can’t do that when I have to pretend to be scared so she doesn’t suspect who I really am.

Professor Tincher: I’m sorry about that. Honestly, though, I don’t see how you’d even have time for a relationship. You’re on call 24/7. You get in a relationship with her and then when I need you, you’ll ignore me because you’ll both be at The Mall, and she’ll need you to walk next to her, carrying her purse, and repeatedly telling her how beautiful she is. (raising his voice) Your first responsibility is to this store as The Masked Bagger!

Adam Hauck: Calm down, Professor. Besides, Katie doesn’t seem to be into me, so you don’t have anything to worry about.

Professor Tincher: I’m sorry. Now let’s get back to why you’re in here - for being rude to customers. *You* know I won’t fire you because of your other persona, but just think of how it looks to other people when you’re making wise-cracks and insulting customers and I don’t do anything about it. You must act as though you are one of them, able to lose your job at any time.

Adam Hauck: Fine. I get it. Though it won’t be as much fun. Oh, by the way, why is Mickey Tork Employee of the Month? Shouldn’t it be Masked Bagger?

Professor Tincher: I agree with you. However, I don’t pick the employee. Our Inclusion Team does. Mickey, though, does excellent work, and if he keeps it up, one day he’ll be sitting in this chair - or a chair like it - but still in this office.

Adam Hauck: Uh-huh. Maybe if we fake an attack on the Inclusion Team and Masked Bagger “rescues” them? That way they would be more willing to vote for him.

Professor Tincher: No.

CUT TO: Vince Beckett is sitting in the produce cooler with the lights out. The fruits and vegetables in the room are all slightly rumbling.

Vince Beckett: (calmly) I’m a freak now, and it is all Tincher’s fault. I told him I needed the day off, but he made me work. He will soon learn what a mistake that was.

CUT TO: A few minutes later. Katie walks into the produce back room. It appears to be empty. Little does she know Beckett is in the cooler, hatching a plan to destroy Tincher.

Katie Collins: Hello. Anyone in here? I’m doing a price check.

Katie notices a watermelon sitting on the counter start to slowly wobble. It goes faster and faster, and then rolls off the counter, and lands on the floor - SPLAT!

Katie Collins: That’s weird.

Suddenly an orange flies past her from one end of the room to the next. She watches, frightened, as a peach also flies past her. Then an apple flies by and actually hits her on the arm. It stings. Katie runs away and makes it to the front office where she grabs the phone to make a page on the intercom.

CUT TO: Adam and Tincher are still in the manager’s office. They hear Katie on the intercom.

Katie Collins: (voice-over) Masked Bagger! Masked Bagger is needed in produce. Hurry up!

Adam Hauck: That’s Katie! She needs me!

Professor Tincher: She needs The Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: Uh, spoiler alert. I *am* The Masked Bagger!

Professor Tincher: Okay, you missed the point. Just go.

Adam Hauck: Good call. It’s morphin’ time!

Adam stands there, in morphing position. Tincher is concerned.

Professor Tincher: You realize you can’t just morph? You have to actually put on the costume yourself.

Adam Hauck: Right. Well, it would be quicker, though, if I had morphing abilities. Something to think about, Professor.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks around produce, but doesn’t see anything alarming. He then goes over to the back room, opens the door and walks inside. Behind him - the produce cooler. In front of him - a row of fifty limes, floating in the air, level to his face.

Masked Bagger: Um, hello.

Suddenly the first lime is hurled at Masked Bagger’s face and hits him.

Masked Bagger: Ouch! Hey, what’s going on?

Another lime throws itself at our hero and another and another. They move at a fast pace. A few hit him but The Masked Bagger decides to dodge the rest. He feels stupid that he didn’t think to dodge sooner. Suddenly, Beckett steps out of the produce cooler. However, he’s not recognizable as Vince Beckett. That’s because he’s not Vince Beckett anymore. He is now… The Pineapple-Man! Masked Bagger turns around and is face to face with his very first super-villain.

Pineapple-Man: My, my. If it isn’t the superhero of Kroger. What’s your name again?

Masked Bagger: Masked Bagger… but you knew that.

Pineapple-Man: Indeed, I did. Would you like to know my name?

Masked Bagger: Fruit freak?

Pineapple-Man: That is what I am. That is not my name. I am The Pineapple-Man, and you will find me to be your worst nightmare.

Masked Bagger: You know, once Vince Beckett returns and finds you in his produce department, he’s gonna be *your* worst nightmare.

Pineapple-Man: You fool. Beckett is dead.

Masked Bagger: What?

Pineapple-Man: There was an accident at the compost and from his ashes, I was born. I am The Pineapple-Man!

Masked Bagger: I already know your name.

Pineapple-Man: Yes, but it felt like a better moment to reveal it than before. I was hoping you had forgotten I said it earlier.

Masked Bagger: I hadn’t.

Pineapple-Man: By the way, pineapples are buy one…

Pineapple-Man raises his right arm, and using his telekinesis on fruit, hurls a pineapple at Masked Bagger. It hits his chest.

Pineapple-Man: …Get one free!

That pariah from produce raises his left arm and once again, using telekinesis, throws a pineapple at The Masked Bagger, hitting him in the face. He falls back and lands on his butt.

Masked Bagger: Ouch! What’s your problem?

Pineapple-Man: I’m standing here talking to you when I have something else I need to do. Be gone, Bagger. I’m sure we’ll finish this up at a later time.

Masked Bagger stands up.

Masked Bagger: I’m going, but not because you told me to, but rather because my nose is starting to bleed and I need to get a tissue.

Masked Bagger leaves the produce back room.

CUT TO: In the basement laboratory. Masked Bagger and Professor Tincher are discussing what happened.

Professor Tincher: And you walked away?

Masked Bagger: I had to.

Professor Tincher: What, did he sprout wings and a beak?

Masked Bagger: No, smarty. He just has this way about him. I felt like it was just best to leave and come back later… like after my nose stopped bleeding.

Professor Tincher: Needless to say, I’m disappointed, Adam! Beckett is now a super villain. You have to take him down, not walk away from him.

Masked Bagger: Fine. I’ll go back. I’ll get him. I just hope he doesn’t hit me in the face with fruit again.

Professor Tincher: Bring Beckett in alive. We’ll incarcerate him down here.

Masked Bagger: Why? I mean, he’s evil.

Professor Tincher: I’m working to rehabilitate all the super villains. They were - at one time - regular people. If there’s a chance we can return them to their previous selves, then as decent human beings, we must try.

Masked Bagger: Okay, I get it.

Masked Bagger turns around and starts to walk away.

Professor Tincher: (smiles) Oh, and don’t embarrass yourself this time. Make me proud I chose you to defend our store.

Masked Bagger: (still walking away) Eh, whatever happens, happens.

CUT TO: The front end. Katie and Mickey are bagging. Masked Bagger walks past them on his way to the produce.

Mickey Tork: (to Katie) Hey, it’s The Masked Bagger!

Katie Collins: Something’s about to go down and look who’s not here… Adam. He’s probably hiding scared again.

Angry that Katie is badmouthing Adam, Masked Bagger stops and turns around.

Masked Bagger: Katie, Adam is on his break upstairs. He has no clue what’s about to happen.

Katie Collins: What’s about to happen?

Masked Bagger: I’m about to slice a pineapple, so to speak.

Mickey Tork: May as well slice two. They’re buy one get one free, you know?

Masked Bagger: (he winces) I know.

The hero of 717 turns around and continues walking to produce where Pineapple-Man is out in the open. The customers walk by, thinking he’s a mascot or something. They haven’t a clue he’s evil. The Masked Bagger comes up to him and stops.

Masked Bagger: I’m back and this time you’re coming with me.

Pineapple-Man: You amuse me, Bagger, because I most certainly am not going with you.

Masked Bagger: We can do this the easy way or the hard way. I must warn you, though, that I have a cart strap and I’m NOT afraid to use it.

Pineapple-Man: I have telekinesis over produce. I win.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, well, whatever. Can we just hurry this up? I’m hungry. It’s pizza time.

Pineapple-Man: I’m a little hungry myself. Though I prefer pineapples.

Masked Bagger: Ugh, isn’t that cannibalism?

Pineapple-Man: Let’s end this now.

Suddenly there’s a rumbling as all fruits and vegetables from the refrigerated case along the walls start to shake. They are all lifted from the shelving and are floating in mid-air. This includes packaged fruits and bottled beverages. Pineapple-Man has his arms in the air and as he moves them forward, hundreds of the different fruits and vegetables act as a tidal wave, heading towards Masked Bagger. He turns around to run off.

Masked Bagger: Mama said there’d be days like this!

He starts to run and decides to warn the others.

Masked Bagger: Stampede! Everybody Out!

Seeing the oncoming fruits and veggies, all of the customers from up front clear the area. Katie and Mickey, however, decided to hide out in the front office. The produce continues to be hurled at our hero, the majority of it is on the floor, rolling towards him.

Masked Bagger: And everybody told me my daily cheeseburgers were gonna kill me. But *this* is how I go out… a fruit stampede! Okay, one-liners are only fun if someone hears me saying them.

The 717 Guardian runs over, gets on a register and stands there, while fruits and veggies storm past him on the floor, like a raging sea. A head of lettuce flies up and hits him on the stomach.

Masked Bagger: I never *was* good at dodge ball. Dang it, I can’t stop the one-liners. At least they’re not corny like in “Batman & Robin.” These are more organic. Okay, “corny” and “organic” both have to do with produce. Just an observation.

In all the chaos, Masked Bagger doesn’t realize Pineapple-Man has walked away - headed for the manager’s office. Once he’s at a far enough distance, all of it suddenly stops. His telekinetic powers only work at a close range. After things have calmed down, Masked Bagger looks over at the front office and spots Katie and Mickey.

Masked Bagger: Are you two okay?

Mickey Tork: Yeah. Are you gonna protect us?

Masked Bagger: That’s the plan.

Katie Collins: By the way, we heard what you said up there. Do you always talk to yourself?

Masked Bagger: Only when I think I’m alone.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is in his office. Pineapple-Man walks into the room and sneaks a floating watermelon past Tincher. It hovers over the Professor’s head, though he is unaware of it.

Pineapple-Man: We’ve worked together a long time, Stan. Too long.

Professor Tincher: Vince! I heard about your transformation. Maybe there’s something we can do to get you back to the way you were.

Pineapple-Man: If I was back to the way I was, then I wouldn’t be able to do this…

The watermelon over the Professor drops. It hits Tincher on the head and knocks him out.

CUT TO: Adam walks into the basement lab. It’s empty. Adam starts to talk, thinking Tincher’s in there, somewhere.

Adam Hauck: Professor, I started to fight him but he snuck off. Professor? Hmm, he must be in the office.

CUT TO: Adam walks into the manager’s office. It’s also empty, but he notices the watermelon on the floor. This worries him.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is tied up, sitting on a chair in a secret side room of the produce cooler. Pineapple-Man is there.

Professor Tincher: What are you gonna do?

Pineapple-Man: I have been working on my technique. I’ve been getting better. I have control over any fruit and vegetable around me. I can throw an onion at your chest so fast that it will stop your heart from beating, resulting in your death.

Professor Tincher: What is this about, Beckett?

Pineapple-Man: Beckett? You killed him. I am here to avenge him.

Professor Tincher: I didn’t kill him.

Pineapple-Man: He needed the day off. YOU made him work. Had Beckett not been here, he wouldn’t have had the “accident” that caused him to turn into the freak I am now. The funny thing is, I like who I am now better. I still have to kill you, though. It’s all a part of the new persona.

Professor Tincher: Needless to say, Beckett, you’re fired.

Pineapple-Man hurls an onion at Tincher’s chest. It hurts but bounces off and lands on the floor. Tincher is still alive.

Pineapple-Man: Haha. It’s not time to die yet.

CUT TO: Katie is in the break room, texting. Adam enters.

Adam Hauck: Katie! Have you seen Profes, er, uh, Mister Tincher?

Katie ignores him. She is, after all, in the middle of a text.

Adam Hauck: Kind of important.

Katie Collins: Wait a second.

She finishes her text and looks up at Adam.

Katie Collins: Okay, what?

Adam Hauck: (sighs) Have you seen Mister Tincher?

Katie Collins: No.

Adam Hauck: That’s it? Just “no”?

Katie Collins: Imma need you to take your attitude out of this room.

Adam Hauck: I’m afraid something has happened to him.

Mickey Tork enters.

Mickey Tork: What’s up, Adam?

Adam Hauck: Um, the store is being taken over by fruit.

Mickey Tork: (laughs) Now there’s something you don’t hear everyday.

Adam Hauck: How are you two even able to take a break right now?

Katie Collins: It’s dead down there. The stampeding fruit ran off all the customers. It probably scared off Tincher, too. I’m proud of you for staying, Puddin’.

Adam blushes, then gets full of himself.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, well. I had to stay to make sure you’re okay.

Mickey and Katie both laugh at Adam for being a dork.

Adam Hauck: (he groans) Gotta go.

CUT TO: Adam is back in the basement lab, sitting at Tincher’s desk, wondering what to do.

Adam Hauck: If I did my job right the first time, this never would have happened. Tincher’s life is in danger because I’m a screw up. I don’t know what to do. How am I gonna find him? I wish there was some way I could have monitored everyone in the store, and play back the footage. Then I could track him down.

It sinks in.

Adam Hauck: The monitors! I’ll watch the monitors and see what happened.

Adam turns to his right, where a monitor is sitting on a desk. He looks at the screen and searches for footage of Pineapple-Man and Professor Tincher. After a few minutes, he finds it. He spots Pineapple-Man - who’s carrying the Professor - all the way to produce. Adam suits up, once again wearing his Masked Bagger outfit. He looks over and sees a holster with a spray bottle and what looks like a gun.

Masked Bagger: Hold on, Professor. I’m coming!

He puts the holster on and runs upstairs.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is searching in the produce back room but doesn’t see them anywhere. He enters the cooler but it’s empty. Looking more closely, our hero spots a tiny knob on the wall. He takes a chance and pulls it. Just as he suspected! It’s a doorway, leading to another room.

CUT TO: Pineapple-Man is still messing with Tincher.

Pineapple-Man: I’m doing you a favor by killing you. I’m going to reunite you with your wife and son.

Professor Tincher: My son is still alive.

Pineapple-Man: Missing for six years? How much you wanna bet that he’s still alive? Hahaha!

Professor Tincher: Shut up!

Masked Bagger quietly enters, though none of the other occupants of the room know it yet.

Pineapple-Man: If you’re expecting The Masked Bagger to rescue you, expect something else. Because that will not happen.

Masked Bagger: Expect the unexpected, Piney!

Pineapple-Man: No.

Masked Bagger: Yep.

Pineapple-Man: No, I mean “Piney” will not be my nickname. That’s ridiculous.

Masked Bagger: That’s why I like it. I’ve gotta put you in your place. You’re a man, who’s a pineapple. Plus a bully. *That’s* ridiculous.

Pineapple-Man: Shut it, Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Let’s fight.

Masked Bagger takes his spray bottle out of its holster and begins spraying Pineapple-Man in the face. After a few seconds, the pompous pariah blocks it with his hand.

Pineapple-Man: A mere distraction, Bagger.

A cantaloupe bashes into our hero’s hand, knocking the spray bottle to the floor. Pineapple-Man gets close to Masked Bagger and punches him in the face. He falls down but gets right back up. Pineapple-Man takes another swing at him. This time, Masked Bagger ducks, missing the villain’s intended punch, then with his right hand, takes a swing himself and lands a blow on Pineapple-Man’s jaw. The pompous pariah falls back slightly.

Masked Bagger: Punch me once, shame on you. Punch me twice… not gonna happen!

The evil fruit man retaliates with a speeding apple in our hero’s direction. Masked Bagger steps out of the way and within seconds, another one flies towards him. He dodges that one as well. He slips a plastic Kroger bag out of his pocket. This time five apples at once are headed for the guardian of 717. Yep, you guessed it. He catches each of them in the bag. He’s out of breath.

Masked Bagger: I need to work out more. This is exhausting!

The magnificent man in the mask gets out his cart strap and attaches the bag of apples to the end of it.

Masked Bagger: Yes, I get it. You can throw fruit without using your hands! I’m impressed. Now why don’t you…

Catching “Piney” off guard, Masked Bagger reveals his cart strap with the bag of apples at the end of it, and twirls it in the air a few times, as if he was a lassoin’ cowboy. He then smacks the pompous pariah in the face with the apples. As Pineapple-Man holds his face, recovering from the pain, Masked Bagger sneaks up behind him and wraps the cart strap around the villain’s neck. He pulls it tight, bringing Piney to his knees. He’s gasping for air.

Professor Tincher: Don’t kill him!

Masked Bagger: I’m not planning to. I just got in over my head and I have no clue what to do next.

Professor Tincher: Get your bag-gun out of its holster and shoot him with it.

Masked Bagger: Oh, is that what it is? I just thought you were really pushing the Second Amendment.

Masked Bagger takes the bag-gun and aims it at Pineapple-Man. He pulls the trigger and a bag wraps around the villain. He’s been captured. Masked Bagger saved the day again! He goes over to the Professor and unties him.

Professor Tincher: Job well done, Adam!

Masked Bagger: Uh, Mister Tincher, I have an identity to keep secret. You can’t call me “Adam” while I’m in my costume.

Professor Tincher: Right. What was I thinking? (smiles) You know, as The Masked Bagger you get to fight and defeat Pineapple-Man. As Adam Hauck, you get to clean up the mess he made throughout the store.

Masked Bagger: Well now I’m wondering if I did the right thing, saving your life.

Adam smiles. They both laugh.

CUT TO: Pineapple-Man is sitting alone in the basement prison cell.

Pineapple-Man: This isn’t over, Bagger! I will have my revenge! Next time, I will chop you up and put you in a fruit tray and serve you to customers! Well, that sounds nasty. Maybe I won’t do *that* but I will certainly do something devious.

CUT TO: Adam walks into the laboratory. Professor Tincher is down there, waiting for him.

Adam Hauck: You wanted me, Professor?

Professor Tincher: Yes. I wanted to talk to you about why it’s important to keep your identity as The Masked Bagger a secret.

Adam Hauck: Look, it’s not important. I was just venting earlier.

Professor Tincher: It *is* important. You see, you aren’t the first Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: What?

Professor Tincher: Twenty years ago, someone else used that guise to fight evil inside a Kroger store, but once the secret got out, something grizzly happened.

Adam Hauck: What are you talking about? Who was this other Masked Bagger?

Professor Tincher: Me.

Adam looks shocked.


Last edited by Adamantium; 10-01-2018 at 11:33 AM.
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Old 03-27-2017, 02:44 PM   #7
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Join Date: Sep 11, 2002
Location: Springfield, Ohio
Posts: 7,125

ISSUE #3. Spill Magic Snowfall (Part 1)

Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
The Powder [pictured below]
Bernie Boswell (21-years-old) [pictured below]
Attached Images

Last edited by Adamantium; 10-01-2018 at 11:34 AM.
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Old 03-27-2017, 02:48 PM   #8
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Join Date: Sep 11, 2002
Location: Springfield, Ohio
Posts: 7,125

ISSUE #3. Spill Magic Snowfall (Part 1)

Originally released on April 2nd, 2013

The Story Continues…

Adam Hauck: You wanna explain that?

Professor Tincher: This is my home world, but for a while there, I was traveling to all the different levels of Earth. I went to a Kroger that was filled with corruption and evil. I was without super powers. I just knew I had to do something. So I put on a mask and fought crime there. I only carried the title of “Masked Bagger” for a few months. You see, I was in love. A girl named Brooke Montgomery got hired on as a cashier. We became very close. Everyone in the store knew of our love. Of course, they didn’t know that I was also the mysterious hero, Masked Bagger. One day, a criminal I was fighting found out my identity. Two days later, well, Brooke was murdered. She was discovered at the front end of the store, hanging from a rope around her neck. She had a mask on her face with the words “Masked Bagger’s Woman” written on it. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Evil had won. Shortly thereafter, I left that Earth, and until recently, I had left the idea of heroes fighting evil behind me.

Adam Hauck: I’m sorry. I don’t even know what to say right now.

Professor Tincher: Don’t say anything. Just keep your identity a secret. Not for all those comics you’ve read, but for all the “Brookes” out there, whose safety depends on your secret being kept.

CUT TO: A couple days later. Masked Bagger enters the basement lab. Professor Tincher is down there, looking excited.

Masked Bagger: You don’t have to say it, Professor. I screwed up. You told me to catch the meat thief and I was unable to. I did, however, get him to throw the meat on the floor before running out of the store. So we didn’t lose any product.

Professor Tincher: Oh, I don’t care about that.

Masked Bagger: You don’t? What’s going on?

Professor Tincher: I have a big announcement.

Masked Bagger: Okay, what is it?

Professor Tincher: You know how important it is to keep your secret identity?

Masked Bagger: Yes, of course.

Professor Tincher: I am going to have “Masked Bagger Day” tomorrow, where customers can come in and have their picture taken with the guardian of 717. He will also have his picture taken with a few select employees: Katie Collins, Mickey Tork, Adam Hauck and myself.

Masked Bagger: I think you’ve lost it, Professor. How can I take a picture with Adam? I *am* him!

Professor Tincher: That’s the big announcement. I’ve cloned you.

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) Of course you have.

Professor Tincher: No, I really did. I got some of your DNA - I won’t say how - and I went to work on making a clone of you. He’s all finished now.

Masked Bagger: Wow. Then you really *are* a professor. I was beginning to think that was just your first name.

Professor Tincher: Well now you know better. Introducing the Masked Bagger clone, which we’ll simply call M.B.

M.B. enters the room. He is dressed as The Masked Bagger, and looks identical to him. He stops and stands there.

Masked Bagger: I don’t believe it. That’s me. Except, I’m not really that fat, am I?

Professor Tincher: Um, no. Of course not. On an unrelated note, however, I am starting a Biggest Loser contest in the store. It might be fun if you join, but we can talk about that later. I want you two to get to know each other, so I’ll leave you alone.

Professor Tincher leaves.

Masked Bagger: So, um, what does it feel like being a clone?

M.B.: I don’t understand the question. I feel normal.

Masked Bagger: Then you’re not a clone of me. (laughs)

M.B. doesn’t get the joke and therefore, doesn’t laugh.

M.B.: I look like you but I don’t have your brain. So please fill me in on what it’s like being you.

Masked Bagger: It’s tough. I’m scared of almost everything and yet I’m expected to fight supernatural bad guys. I’ve always wanted a girlfriend but I’ve never been able to just approach a girl and ask her out.

M.B.: What kind of music do you like?

Masked Bagger: I like oldies music. The Beatles, The Monkees, Sam Cooke, among others. That’s another thing. I’m made to feel like an outcast by the younger generation for my choice in music and television. Now you have to be me, and I don’t envy you one bit.

Adam - disguised as Masked Bagger - smiles. This makes M.B. smile back.

M.B.: I’ll make you proud, Masked Bagger.

CUT TO: The next day. It’s Masked Bagger Day. After hours of having M.B. take pictures with customers, it’s finally time for his picture with the employees.

Professor Tincher: Okay, Katie, Mickey, Adam, let’s get our picture taken with our masked hero, here.

Adam Hauck: So Katie, now that you see me and Masked Bagger together, you know we’re not one and the same. Are you shocked?

Katie Collins: Shocked that you would think I ever suspected the two of you being the same person. Masked Bagger is a hero. You’re a coward.

Adam Hauck: I’m also reconsidering our friendship.

Katie Collins: Okay, I’m sorry, Adam. We’re friends. I was just kidding around with you.

Adam Hauck: Okay then.

Professor Tincher: Come on. Line up everybody. This is a big moment in all our lives. I’m sure.

Katie, Mickey, Adam, Tincher and M.B. all pose together. A picture is taken of them.

CUT TO: A FEW WEEKS LATER. It is now the month of April. Katie and Adam are up front bagging. Mickey walks up to them.

Mickey Tork: Well, I’m Employee of the Month again. It’s pretty exciting.

Katie Collins: Congrats.

Adam Hauck: That’s great, Mick. Hey wait a second. Didn’t this happen already? WHO are you paying off in our Inclusion Team? That’s what I want to know!

Mickey Tork: Relax, dude. I’m kidding. You know, April Fools?

Adam Hauck: Oh, yeah. So am I Employee of the Month?

Mickey Tork: No.

Adam Hauck: Masked Bagger?

Mickey Tork: No.

Katie Collins: Me?

Mickey Tork: No. Sorry, Katie.

Adam Hauck: Then who?

Mickey Tork: Bernie Boswell.

CUT TO: Adam storms into the basement lab, where Professor Tincher is sitting at his desk. M.B. has a feather duster in his hand, and is dusting the place.

Adam Hauck: I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but you really have to override the Inclusion Team’s Employee of the Month pick.

M.B.: Hi, Adam!

Adam Hauck: Hey, M.B.

Professor Tincher: Is this really your biggest concern right now?

Adam Hauck: Yes! Bernie Boswell! I mean, come on!

Professor Tincher: I like the guy. He’s been our produce head for almost a month, and in all that time he has never once kidnapped me and threatened to kill me with an onion.

Adam Hauck: Give it time, Professor! He will!

Professor Tincher: I’m not in the mood for this right now.

Adam Hauck: Why? What’s up?

Professor Tincher: I have a hunch about a certain somebody and if I’m right, well, it’s bad.

Adam Hauck: Is it Boswell? Is he dying? Well now I feel bad for storming in here and complaining about his Employee of the Month title. That’s it! He has less than a month to live. THAT’S why he’s Employee of the Month. It probably came from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Professor Tincher: No, it’s not Boswell.

Adam Hauck: Oh. Well then who?

Professor Tincher: I can’t talk about this right now. I’ve got some research to do first. If anything comes of this hunch, I’ll let you know. Until then… get back to work.

Adam Hauck: I’m going, but first I have to comment on this. You go through the trouble of creating a clone of me, and all you have him do is dust the basement?

Professor Tincher: He’s my assistant, Adam. Now go.

Adam Hauck: I’m gone, but with M.B. here, it’ll kinda be like I never left. That’s the real reason you created him, I bet.

He smiles.

CUT TO: Adam is walking through the store and he spots Katie doing re-shops in the promo isle. He takes a deep breath and then approaches her.

Adam Hauck: Hey.

Katie Collins: What up?

Adam Hauck: Oh, just the usual nothing. How are you doing?

Katie Collins: Okay, but my stomach be growlin’.

Adam Hauck: Well it’s almost break time for you.

Katie Collins: Yeah.

Adam Hauck: Maybe we could take a break together.

Katie Collins: Why?

Adam Hauck: Oh, uh, I just hate taking breaks alone. I like to have someone I can talk to.

Just then Bernie Boswell walks up. He overheard what Adam said.

Bernie Boswell: Deal.

Adam Hauck: What?

Bernie Boswell: You hate to take breaks alone. So do I. You like to have someone you can talk to. So do I. We were made to be break buddies.

Adam Hauck: Well I’m not going right now.

Bernie Boswell: Neither am I. This is perfect. Just let me know when you’re going. The stress of this job has given me hives, and I’ve been wanting to talk about these red splotches with someone.

Bernie walks away, happy to have a friend (or so he thinks). Katie turns to Adam and smiles.

Katie Collins: That’s not what you were going for, huh?

Adam Hauck: No.

Katie Collins: (laughs) I’m weak! Well I better go take my break now. Though it won’t be any fun without someone telling me all about his hives, haha.

Katie walks off. Adam looks ticked.

CUT TO: A while later, back in the lab. Tincher and M.B. are already down there. Adam enters.

Adam Hauck: You wanted me, Professor?

Professor Tincher: Yes. We’ve located a super villain. Eye witness reports claim he wears the old gray Kroger shirt from years ago. He has blue flesh, dark blue hair and is able to shoot Spill Magic out of his hands.

Adam Hauck: So you want me to offer him a job as our cleaner?

Professor Tincher: The Spill Magic is poison. If it touches you, or even the clothes you’re wearing, it will absorb and kill you. This is more serious than a fruit being hurled at your head. This is life or death. Go to the back hallway, walk up the stairs to the roof. That little room up there is apparently his hideout. Oh, and one more thing. He’s responsible for the deaths of at least three people over the past couple years. Be careful.

Adam Hauck: Okay. I think M.B. should handle this one. It sounds too dangerous for me.

Professor Tincher: He doesn’t have any powers. He’s a decoy. Now go!

M.B.: I’ll do it, Dad! Oh, please let me do it!

Professor Tincher: I appreciate your wanting to help out, M.B., but no. It’s too dangerous.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks up the stairs and enters the room. Sure enough, the blue-skinned villain is standing there, staring at our hero.

The Powder: What are you doing here?

Masked Bagger: I’ve come to take you to our Kroger prison. It’s downstairs. You killed some people.

The Powder: (smiles) It’s a hobby.

Masked Bagger: So what do they call you - Smurf Boy?

The Powder: Usually the only things people call to me are “I’m begging you” or “Please, no!” I like the name The Powder, though.

Masked Bagger: Did you ever think of dying your hair white, so you would look even more like a Smurf?

The Powder: Back on Smurfs? Did you even hear what I just said?

Masked Bagger: I did, but I had that joke in my head and I just had to say it. So, what, you said your name is Powder? Are you a part of the Mighty Morphin *Powder* Rangers?

Masked Bagger laughs. He’s proud of his lame joke.

The Powder: Get away from me. This is officially over.

Masked Bagger: It’s just begun, Talcum.

The Powder extends his arms, ready to shoot the poisonous Spill Magic from his hands. Masked Bagger backs out of the room but Powder follows him. Tincher is standing in the back hallway. He looks up and sees The Powder’s face. He’s shocked. He calls to Masked Bagger.

Professor Tincher: Masked Bagger! Come down here. Leave him be.

The Powder: You heard the boss. Now go. You just got lucky.

CUT TO: The basement lab, once again.

Masked Bagger: I think there’s more to the story you didn’t tell me.

Professor Tincher: There is, but you looked so sad. I didn’t have the heart to keep going on.

Masked Bagger: I weigh 240 pounds. Which means I’m a big boy. I can take it. Tell me what’s going on.

Professor Tincher: Fine. After Brooke’s murder, I was so distraught that I continued my travels of the five Earth levels. Eventually, I came back to this world. With no intention of taking a job at Kroger ever again, I simply walked into this store - 717 - for the first time. The year was 1994, and I met Brooke Montgomery all over again.

Masked Bagger: Say what?

Professor Tincher: Many of us have doubles on the other four Earth levels. When the Earth split into five levels, so did the people. Of course, since different things have happened in each level, some people who maybe died on one world are alive on another and vice-versa.

Masked Bagger: Is there another me here?

Professor Tincher: No. I wouldn’t have gone through the trouble of cloning you if I could just go out and get your double.

Masked Bagger: One of a kind. Just saying.

He smiles.

Professor Tincher: Okay, well, after seeing the love of my life, who had died on another world, I knew I had to be here with her. So I applied for a job, got hired on, and within months, Brooke and I were an item. We’re world-crossed lovers. We just see each other and we know we’re meant to be together. Brooke had a four-year-old son named Bailey Moore. She was divorced. Her ex-husband was a drunk, and the two just couldn’t make it work. After a couple years, we were married. I had some of the happiest years of my life. Technically, Bailey is my step-son, but I rarely called him that. He’s my son. Eventually, I worked my way up to store manager, and using a little nepotism, seven years ago, I hired Bailey as a bagger. Then, about a year later, he went to work but never came home. We didn’t know what happened to him. He was just gone - a missing person. It was total agony. Brooke was overwhelmed with grief. Not even a year later, she died. The doctors say it was a heart attack brought on by stress, but I knew what killed her… a broken heart. Twice I lost her. I guess I should at least be grateful that this time I got to spend many wonderful years with her and Bailey as a family before it was all shattered, and she was taken from me again.

Bagger looks like he’s about to cry. Keep in mind - looking like, and actually crying are two different things!

Masked Bagger: Professor, you’re getting a hug. Get over here you sad, sad man.

Tincher reluctantly walks closer to Adam. They hug for a moment. Once the hug is over, their conversation continues.

Masked Bagger: Okay, so what’s the relevance of this story now?

Professor Tincher: The Powder IS Bailey Moore. After six years, I finally found out what had happened to him. Part of me wishes he had died, though. At least then his mother and he would be together right now, and he could be remembered as the nice kid that he was. Instead, he’s out there and he’s a monster. He has to be stopped, and it’s your job to do it.

Masked Bagger: Then why did you stop me?

Professor Tincher: Because I freaked. I saw him and knew my hunch was correct. My son is a killer.

Masked Bagger: That’s not your son. He’s been possessed by evil. It’s the same body but not the same spirit.

Professor Tincher: No, Adam. While it’s true, Bailey didn’t just wake up one day and start acting out… with the evil, there’s still Bailey inside. Look at Pineapple-Man. He still acts and talks like Vince Beckett. Just with an evil agenda.

Masked Bagger: And a weird hairdo.

Professor Tincher: We need a plan of attack. Bailey won’t go easy.

M.B.: Do you need my help, Adam?

Masked Bagger: Maybe. If Powder sees two Masked Baggers, it might throw him off. We could use that to our advantage.

Professor Tincher: It’s too dangerous. I’m working on a suit that covers your body and it should be immune to Bailey’s Spill Magic. Just give me a little more time.

Masked Bagger: Take all the time you need. I just hope Powder doesn’t kill anyone else in the meantime.

Professor Tincher: Okay, I’ll finish up the suit while you walk around the store, making sure everything is okay.

Masked Bagger: Right.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is walking around the store, making sure everything is okay. One of the evil, giant bird-men (from the 1st episode) swoops down and grabs a hold of the hero’s jacket with his claws. He flies through the store, headed for the back hallway. Once he arrives, the bird-man flies Masked Bagger up the stairs to Powder’s hideout. He drops the guardian and then stands in front of The Powder.

The Powder: Very well done, my feathered friend.

Powder then punches the bird-man. It falls back and vanishes. Masked Bagger watches in shock.

Masked Bagger: Whoa, killing your henchman! Was that you “Bob, gun” moment?

The Powder: I don’t get the reference.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, I tend to make a lot of references no one gets.

The Masked Bagger stands up and is about to attack when…

The Powder: I wouldn’t do anything foolish.

Masked Bagger: Well that’s something else I tend to do a lot.

The Powder: This time will be your last. Look up.

He does and sees the ceiling is rigged with the poison Spill Magic.

The Powder: One step out of the circle you’ve been dropped onto by that bird and the Spill Magic comes down like snow, and absorbs you. Then it’s bye-bye Mask-Man.

Masked Bagger: You… evil… guy… you.

The Powder: That’s a good one. I’m gonna have to remember that, hehe. Now I’m gonna tie you up with some duct tape to make it even harder for you to escape, and then I’m going for a walk around the store.

Masked Bagger: Why?

The Powder: Hey, I was in here, minding my own business. You’re the one who decided to poke the hibernating bear. Now you’re gonna find out why that’s a no-no.

Masked Bagger: Don’t do anything. I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t hurt those people down there. Let’s make a deal.

The Powder: Do I look like Wayne Brady?

Masked Bagger: Well no, but you kinda look like you could be one of the audience members.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and M.B. are in the basement lab. Tincher stops working on the body suit for a moment to talk to the clone.

Professor Tincher: I’ve been so wrapped up in my own drama lately that I haven’t even asked you how you’ve been.

M.B.: That’s okay.

Professor Tincher: Are you okay being my assistant? I mean, since I created you for a sole purpose, I don’t really know what I can have you do the rest of the time.

M.B.: I love it. I get to work for my dad. Sometimes, I even get to see my brother, Adam. I love this life.

Professor Tincher: So things are good?

M.B.: Yes. I mean, I wish you would let me go out and help Masked Bagger sometimes. I know I can do good in the store and help people, just like he does.

Professor Tincher: He’s a superhero with super strength. You don’t have that. I don’t even have that. He fights alone because he has no peers in that area. I worry about you, M.B.

M.B.: I appreciate it, Dad. I just wish you wouldn’t.

CUT TO: The Powder is out and about in the store. He heads up to the front, where Katie and Mickey are bagging.

Mickey Tork: You know, Adam is supposed to be on carts. Where is he? This is ticking me off.

Katie Collins: I don’t know where he is.

She looks over and sees The Powder.

Katie Collins: Uh, Mickey.

Mickey Tork: Yeah?

Katie Collins: I have a bad feeling about that guy over there.

Mickey Tork: Which one?

Katie Collins: He’s wearing the old gray Kroger shirt. Oh, and his skin and hair are blue!

Mickey sees him. He senses trouble.

Mickey Tork: You know what? I’ll be nice and do Adam’s carts for him.

Mickey then heads to the bagger’s closet where he gets a cart strap and vest, and goes outside. Katie is disappointed in Mickey.

Katie Collins: Imma need the guys I hang out with to not be scared little boys!

The Powder walks up to the front end but then turns around. He walks over to the photo lab, across from the frozen food isles, and just stands there, waiting for someone to cross him. Professor Tincher just happens to walk by. They both look at one another.

The Powder: I don’t believe it. Dad! How’re ya doin’?

Professor Tincher: You vanish for six years and that’s all you have to say to me?

The Powder: Fine. You look like you’ve put on some weight. Oh, and get a haircut.

Professor Tincher: You have to stop this, Bailey. You’ve killed innocent people. Let me help you. I can try to rehabilitate you.

The Powder: I’m gonna pass on that. I like who I am *now*.

Professor Tincher: What happened to you? How did you become… what you are now?

The Powder: I don’t remember. Some freak accident, I’m sure.

Professor Tincher: Son, I still love you. Remember that. We can try to be a family again. Just you and me. What do you say?

Just then, M.B. runs over to the Professor and Powder. This ticks Powder off because he thinks it’s The Masked Bagger.

The Powder: So you escaped? I’m impressed.

M.B.: Huh?

The Powder: Well someone’s gonna die for that.

Powder looks around and spots a little girl standing by herself. She sees him and starts to smile at him. She doesn’t know he’s evil. He’s just a funny looking blue man to her. Powder extends his arms out and is ready to pour the poisonous Spill Magic on her. M.B. sees this.

M.B.: NO!!!!

He runs over to save her. The Spill Magic has left Powder’s hands and is headed in her direction. M.B. pushes the girl out of the way and hits the floor. However, the Spill Magic lands on him. Tincher watches in shock as M.B.’s molecules break down, and he starts to fall apart, being absorbed.

Professor Tincher: M.B., no!

M.B. looks over at Tincher. He puts out his left hand for his dad to hold before he perishes. As they’re holding hands for what little time M.B. has left, tears roll down Tincher’s face. M.B. notices this.

M.B.: No regrets.

M.B. then completely absorbs and his body, which has turned into Spill Magic, falls onto the floor in a pile. The Professor wipes the tears from his eyes. He looks at Powder, pissed.

The Powder: Haha! I got him! The Masked Bagger is a pile of powder on the floor! This store is mine now!

Professor Tincher: Bailey Kurt Moore! You are in so much trouble!

The Powder: Sorry, dad. I’ll go to my room… or, instead, I’ll do to you what I just did to your masked friend there.

Professor Tincher: Try it!

The Powder: I didn’t want any of this, dad. I was fine just hiding out. You and Masked Bagger are the ones who brought me out for a fight. Well if it’s a fight you want, it’s a fight you’re gonna get!

The Powder extends his arms and shoots out the poisonous Spill Magic at Tincher. He jumps out of the way but bangs his arm on a shelf.

Professor Tincher: Ouch! Darn shelf.

The Powder: How does it feel to be weak? Ever since I got my super powers, I’ve completely forgotten what that feels like. Mom was weak, too. I heard that her heart was so frail after I went missing that she just died… pathetic, hehe!

Professor Tincher is pissed! He races towards his son, who extends his arms out to shoot more Spill Magic at his father. Tincher grabs Powder’s right arm with both hands and bends it backwards, breaking it over his knee. He then punches Powder in the face, who falls back and lands on his butt. Tincher stands over him.

Professor Tincher: I’m not The Masked Bagger. I won’t make funny remarks. I’ll just kick… your… ass!

The Powder: I just wanted to be left alone. Since that’s not an option, well, check the forecast. There’s gonna be a snowfall. Everyone dies. Hehe.

Professor Tincher: What does that mean? You’re not a snow villain!

Powder gets up and runs off. Masked Bagger runs over to the Professor. There are gasps from some customers who thought Masked Bagger had been killed.

Masked Bagger: I’m here! I’m here! You won’t believe how I escaped, but I finally got myself free from The Powder’s duct tape. You know, I’m really starting to question these super powers you say I have.

Masked Bagger notices Tincher’s eyes are red from crying.

Masked Bagger: What’s wrong?

Professor Tincher: Everything. Let’s get to the basement.


Last edited by Adamantium; 10-01-2018 at 11:34 AM.
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Old 03-28-2017, 11:25 AM   #9
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ISSUE #4. Spill Magic Snowfall (Part 2)

Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
The Powder
Salt-Man [pictured below]
Hailie Morgan (21-year-old) [pictured below]
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Last edited by Adamantium; 10-01-2018 at 11:35 AM.
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Old 03-28-2017, 11:28 AM   #10
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Join Date: Sep 11, 2002
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ISSUE #4. Spill Magic Snowfall (Part 2)

Originally Released on May 28th, 2013

And Now, More Story…

Inside the basement lab. Both Professor Tincher and Masked Bagger are down there pacing.

Professor Tincher: It’s been a few weeks! Why hasn’t Powder made his move yet? He promised a snowfall. This is maddening!

Masked Bagger: If this snowfall is anything like the trap he had me in, this store is in serious danger.

Professor Tincher: And yet, the customers won’t stop shopping here. We even have a sign on the door that clearly states “Killer with Poisonous Spill Magic Loose in the Store! Shop at Your Own Risk.”

Masked Bagger: Darn us and our low prices!

Masked Bagger looks over at Tincher, who suddenly looks sad.

Masked Bagger: What?

Professor Tincher: I can’t stop thinking about M.B.

Masked Bagger: I know. I miss him, too. At least he died a hero. That’s all any of us can ask for. He died with honor.

Professor Tincher: He shouldn’t have *died* at all.

Masked Bagger: I hope you’re not blaming me for that.

Professor Tincher: Well, you *are* the guardian of the store.

Masked Bagger: Unbelievable!

Professor Tincher: I’m sorry, Adam. Look, it’s just my nerves talking.

Masked Bagger: I’m going out to get some air.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks outside. He’s on the front sidewalk of the store. He hears a scream and looks to his left. Salt-Man is attacking Hailie Morgan, an employee. Masked Bagger darts over there.

Masked Bagger: Excuse me, Miss. Is this guy bothering you?

Hailie Morgan: YES!

Masked Bagger: That’s what I thought.

Masked Bagger takes Hailie’s hand and guides her behind him. She then runs off while Masked Bagger stands guard. Salt-Man stands there, ticked off. The hero and villain look at one another.

Salt-Man: Why’d you do that?

Masked Bagger: Saving people from bad guys is kind of my thing. Why were you attacking her?

Salt-Man: It’s how I get my jollies. Is there something wrong with that?

Masked Bagger: Yes! How can you not see that? But I suppose a guy wearing a “Salt” t-shirt isn’t the brightest.

Salt-Man: It’s not just a shirt. It’s an actual bag of salt. I’m one of those super villains you were brought to the store to battle. Your buddy Tincher had me locked up before you came, but I freed myself and just in time to assault attractive gals like Hailie!

Masked Bagger: What’s your name?

Salt-Man: They call me Salt-Man!

Masked Bagger: Is that *really* what they call you? They couldn’t come up with something more creative?

Salt-Man: Well, I mean, I told people to call me Salt-Man. I said “Hey people, call me Salt-Man!” And they do.

Masked Bagger: Wow, this is the kind of genius I’m battling.

Salt-Man: Now I have you right where I want you. You think I’m a typical strong man villain with a small I.Q., don’t you? All brawn and no brain.

Masked Bagger: Pretty Much.

Salt-Man: Well then I guess you’re up to speed. It’s still gonna hurt, though. No matter whether I can recite Macbeth from memory or…

Before finishing his sentence, Salt-Man picks up two forty pound bags of salt as easily as if they were pillows, and hurls them at our hero. What a jerk! One of them misses him, but the other rams into Masked Bagger’s chest, knocking him to the ground.

Masked Bagger: I should have caught that… and if this were dodge ball, you’d win. But it’s not.

Masked Bagger stands up.

Masked Bagger: So get that smirk off your face!

The handsome hero in a mask takes out his cart strap, twirls it over his head a few times and then hits Salt-Man’s face with it. It doesn’t phase the baddie.

Salt-Man: Haha, stop that. It tickles.

Masked Bagger: Let’s see if *this* tickles!

Masked Bagger runs over to Salt-Man and punches him square on the face… and nearly breaks his hand. Salt-Man laughs and then chest bumps Masked Bagger, which causes him to fly back in the air twelve feet, and land on the concrete.

Salt-Man: Face it, Bagger. You just lost to a human bag of salt!

Masked Bagger: It’s not in my contract to lose.

Masked Bagger gets up and reaches into his pocket. He runs over to the villain with a box cutter in his hand, and gives a quick slice to Salt-Man’s chest (which, again, is a big bag of salt pellets). Salt-Man moans as the salt pellets start to pour out of his body. He finally uses both arms to cover up the slit, so nothing more falls out.

Salt-Man: This isn’t over, Bagger!

Masked Bagger: Oh right! Thanks for reminding me.

The guardian of 717 takes out his bag-gun and shoots Salt-Man with it, covering his body.

Salt-Man: Hey, let me outta here!

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) Yeah, that’d be a smart idea.

Masked Bagger drags the big bag of villain inside the store and heads for the basement to incarcerate him.

CUT TO: A little while later. Adam walks past non-foods and sees Katie and Hailie, the girl he saved from Salt-Man, talking. He pretends like he’s doing a price check, when really, he’s eavesdropping. Hailie is telling Katie the story of Salt-Man and Masked Bagger.

Hailie Morgan: I be like, get off me, freak! And he be all like NO! I’s just about to kick him in his pellets when Masked Bagger came over and took care of him.

Katie Collins: That’s exciting! I wonder who he is under that mask.

Hailie Morgan: I hear he not be from this world. Looks human, though. He ain’t hunky but he a real man. If only he was black, I’d be all on that.

Katie Collins: Girl, you’re crazy, haha!

Just then a page is made on the intercom…

Intercom Voice: Katie to customer service. Katie to customer service.

Katie Collins: Well I gotta go. See ya later.

Hailie Morgan: Okay. See ya, girl.

Katie walks away. Adam then swoops in to talk to Hailie.

Adam Hauck: Hello.

Hailie Morgan: Zup? My name be Hailie Morgan.

Adam Hauck: Right. From before.

Hailie Morgan: Before? What you be talkin’ about?

Adam realizes Hailie only knows him as Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: I’m Adam. You’re Katie’s friend, right?

Hailie Morgan: Yep. We be peeps since middle school.

Adam Hauck: The way you speak… were you raised on the streets?

Hailie Morgan: Nah, I just grew up watching BET, UPN and listening to rap music. Also, Michael Jackson, but only from the years when he was black. During his white years, I lost interest.

Adam Hauck: (smiles) Didn’t we all?

This is the kind of topical humor you’ll find in The Masked Bagger.

Hailie Morgan: When I first met Katie, she be talkin’ like you. Glad she got wise and changed that.

Adam Hauck: Wow, well anyways, since you’re best friends with Katie, I have a question for you.

Hailie Morgan: What?

Adam Hauck: Does she have a boyfriend?

Hailie Morgan: She’s talking to someone.

Adam Hauck: Is she single? I mean, technically I’m talking to you right now, but that doesn’t make us a couple.

Hailie Morgan: Dang tootin’, we ain’t a couple. You too white for me.

Adam Hauck: Okay, well, I’m interested in Katie. I’m just trying to find out if I have a shot with her.

Hailie Morgan: Sure, you can have a shot with her. She be 21.

Adam Hauck: No, not alcohol shots.

Just then a voice goes over the intercom.

Intercom Voice: Adam to customer service. Adam to customer service.

Grateful to be getting out of this conversation, Adam says…

Adam Hauck: Oh thank goodness. Well, I gotta go. Nice talking to you.

Adam runs off. Hailie watches him as he leaves.

Hailie Morgan: (to herself) Silly white boy.

CUT TO: The Powder returns to his hideout. He’s got a smile on his blue, evil face. His right arm has a cast around it, still broken from Tincher’s attack in the previous episode.

The Powder: It’s ready. Time to terrorize the people of 717, hehehe!

CUT TO: Adam is doing a clean-up of a broken jar of pickles. He grabs his container of Spill Magic from the cleaning cart (not to be confused with the Bagger-Mobile), and pours some on the spill. However, only a little comes out before it’s empty.

Adam Hauck: Crap. I need some more Spill Magic.

By chance, Adam looks up at the ceiling and sees it’s covered in Spill Magic, which is just floating there.

Adam Hauck: (in shock) I don’t need *that* much. Wait a second… the snowfall!

He looks over at the customers and sees plenty of them.

Adam Hauck: This looks like a job for Superman! But since he’s not real, Masked Bagger will have to do!

Adam leaves behind the broken jar of pickles, which he figures is the least of his problems. He then darts into the bagger’s closet - one of many different locations for his costume. He changes into the masked hero and comes out of the closet (not like THAT!).

Masked Bagger: Attention customers… I need you all to evacuate the building. You’re all in grave danger!

No one pays attention to him. They just go about their business. Masked Bagger doesn’t know what to do.

Masked Bagger: I don’t know what to do.

Suddenly, The Powder shows up.

The Powder: I killed you!

Masked Bagger: You did. I’m all a part of your conscience, telling you to stop this snowfall. You don’t want to kill anymore.

The Powder: I don’t have a conscience.

Masked Bagger: Okay, fine. You didn’t kill me. You killed a clone of me. Now why’s your arm in a cast?

The Powder: It’s broken. I’m evil - not unbreakable.

Suddenly, Salt-Man comes out of nowhere and rams into Masked Bagger, knocking him against a wall.

Salt-Man: I’m betting *you’re* breakable though!

Masked Bagger: What?

Salt-Man: Your little prison couldn’t hold me for long!

Masked Bagger notices that Salt-Man has a big piece of duct tape on his chest, covering the slit he made earlier.

Masked Bagger: Haha, this looks ridiculous! I’m battling two damaged foes. I think instead of incarcerating you, when I win this fight, I’ll take you both to the damaged section on the back dock.

Salt-Man: You did this to me!

Masked Bagger: (joking) Really? I assumed you just had a bad surgeon, who was unable to sew you back up, so he just slapped some duct tape on the incision.

Salt-Man: The duct tape was my idea. I had to do something. Pellets kept falling out.

Masked Bagger: How’d you escape the prison?

Salt-Man: Let’s just say I did and leave it at that.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher picks up the phone receiver to make an announcement over the intercom to warn customers about the upcoming “snowfall.” However, his voice doesn’t carry over. Instead, Spill Magic pours out of the intercom speaker. Realizing that he can’t warn everybody at once, Tincher starts to panic. He leaves the office and enters the main floor. He spots Katie and Mickey walking by the deli.

Professor Tincher: Katie! Mickey! I need your help!

Mickey Tork: Sure. What is it, Chief?

Professor Tincher: You know how weird things happen in this store? So weird that we need to have our very own superhero?

Katie Collins: Uh, yeah, I’ve noticed.

Professor Tincher: Something bad is coming and everyone in the store will die. We have to evacuate the building. Poisonous Spill Magic is going to fall from the ceiling at any moment. If it touches you, it kills you. The intercom doesn’t work. Will you help me get everyone out?

Mickey Tork: Risk our lives for the customers?

Katie Collins: I’m down with that.

Professor Tincher: What does that mean, Katie?

Katie Collins: I’ll do it!

Professor Tincher: Great! Once we get everyone out, we’ll meet up in the parking lot. Good luck!

Tincher walks off.

Mickey Tork: Are you crazy, Katie? We might die!

Katie Collins: Not if we hurry up. I don’t want the deaths of all these people to be on my mind. Let’s split up. You take that half (she points to her right) and I’ll take this half. We could really use Adam’s help, too. Where is that guy?

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is backed into a corner. Both The Powder and Salt-Man are standing in front of him, ready to make their move.

Masked Bagger: It’s getting pretty crowded over here. Why don’t I just leave?

The Powder: I would be happy to make some more room by turning you into a pile of absorbant powder, but I don’t want you to be the first to go.

Salt-Man: Wait a second, Powder-Man. We’re NOT gonna kill him now?

The Powder: It’s just Powder, and of course not. I want him to deal with the deaths of many customers and co-workers first. Then, when he’s all sad and crying - pathetic - I’ll put him out of his sad little misery by…

Salt-Man: (interrupting) Spill Magic-ing him!

The Powder: No, you moron! I mean yes, but I don’t call it that.

Salt-Man: So what are we doing now?

The Powder: We can still rough him up a bit. And for the record, Masked Bagger, this is not an official team-up. It’s just a coincidence that you’re facing two villains at once.

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) That makes me feel better.

Masked Bagger suddenly sprays Salt-Man in the eyes with the spray bottle. When the villain covers his eyes with his hands, the 717 Guardian punches him in the stomach - which, again, is a bag of salt pellets. It hurts Masked Bagger only.

Masked Bagger: OUCH! Why do I do the things I do?

The Powder: Because you’re not qualified for this job as the store superhero, and you’re over compensating to make up for it. As a result, you don’t think straight and do these idiotic things. Your sense of humor is also because you’re either ripping off Spider-Man or because you feel if you can still be funny in scary situations, that you have some small control over them.

Masked Bagger: That’s it.

The Powder: Yeah, I was raised by Tincher. I either analyze something or compare it to a comic book.

Masked Bagger: He totally does that!

CUT TO: Katie runs up to a woman.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to get out of here before you die and go to Hell!

Female Customer: (angry) Here we go! I don’t need to be preached to little lady. I’m shopping, not attending a church service!

Katie Collins: I ain’t preaching to you.

Female Customer: You either want to save my soul or want my money. Which is it?

Katie Collins: Neither.

Female Customer: Yeah right! You’re a pest. Now leave me alone!

Just then, Katie punches the woman in the face, which knocks her out. Katie picks her up and is going to drag her out of the store.

Katie Collins: Saving customers is gonna be tougher than I thought.

CUT TO: Mickey walks up to a male customer.

Mickey Tork: Hey, buddy. What’s say you leave before you end up as a pile of powder?

Male Customer: Can you snort it?

Mickey Tork: No, YOU’RE the pile of powder.

Male Customer: Do *I* get snorted?

Mickey Tork: Okay, I’m moving onto someone else now.

Mickey walks off, looking for another customer to save.

CUT TO: Tincher, Katie and Mickey meet up in the book isle.

Professor Tincher: Okay, none of us seem to have had any luck convincing customers to leave. So we’re moving onto plan B.

Mickey Tork: We get to leave?

Professor Tincher: No. Umbrellas! We pass out these umbrellas to all the customers. They’ll be fine as long as they cover their head with an umbrella.

Katie Collins: This store gets crazier every day.

CUT TO: Professor, Katie and Mickey run around the store handing all the customers umbrellas. While they all take them, not all agree to cover themselves with it.

CUT TO: Professor walks by and notices Masked Bagger on the floor. He’s conscious, but beat up.

Professor Tincher: Masked Bagger, are you okay?

Masked Bagger: I’ve been better. Salt-Man got loose. He and Powder - while not officially a team-up - worked together to take me down.

Professor Tincher: Let’s get you back to the basement. I’ve got that Spill Magic-Proof suit for you to wear.

Masked Bagger: Is everyone out?

Professor Tincher: Uh, no. The customers refuse to leave. The employees, however, all ran out before I could finish my sentence telling them to leave. Though Katie and Mickey are passing out umbrellas to the remaining customers.

Masked Bagger: What?

Professor Tincher: Let’s just get to the basement!

They head for the basement.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger suits up with his new absorbent powder-proof outfit. He looks ridiculous, but he lives in a world where looking ridiculous just may save his life.

Professor Tincher: I’ll be down here, watching you from the monitors. Good luck, my friend.

Masked Bagger: Thanks.

CUT TO: The snowfall has begun. The poisonous Spill Magic slowly falls from the ceiling as if it were snow falling from the sky. When Katie and Mickey notice it’s begun, they head for the exit and are both okay. Many of the customers are using their umbrellas. A few of the stubborn ones perish when touched by the poisonous powder. Hey, they should have done as they were told. Amazingly, those using their umbrellas are casually shopping. None of this is really phasing them. Of course, they’re unaware that once they get to the checkout, there will be a huge lineup and no cashier.

Masked Bagger - in his new suit, which looks like a black and gray hazmat suit - looks for The Powder. They both meet up at the front end. The Powder no longer wears the cast.

Masked Bagger: No cast for your arm?

The Powder: It healed. Why aren’t you dying?

Masked Bagger: Absorbent-Powder-Proof suit. I’m good to go.

The Powder: Let’s test this. Maybe the snowfall isn’t affecting you but direct contact from a bunch of Spill Magic at once will do the trick!

Powder extends his arms and shoots out some Spill Magic. It hits Masked Bagger but then falls onto the floor. His outfit is working.

Masked Bagger: If this were a movie, you and I would get some big, epic fight scene, but this is real life and I’m going to easily defeat you.

The Powder: Maybe, but at what cost? You look ridiculous in that outfit.

Just then, Powder swings his left arm and punches Masked Bagger in the face. This causes him to step back some and he retaliates with a punch as well, but Powder ducks, causing Masked Bagger to spin around a couple times.

The Powder: Let’s see if you are affected by THIS!

Powder kicks Masked Bagger in his, um, private area. OUCH!!! Bagger falls to his knees in pain. Powder laughs. Humiliated and in excruciating pain, Masked Bagger stands up.

Masked Bagger: Just so you super villains know, kicking me there only makes me stronger. It’s one of my super powers!

That’s not true, but he just wants to make sure the word gets around, so no one else tries it. Even though he’s nauseous from the pain, Masked Bagger has to put on a show and takes a swing at Powder, punching him in the face. He punches him two more times, finally feeling like he’s winning (and beginning to wonder if that kick-in-the-crotch-giving-him-strength line was actually true).

The Powder: Something’s not right.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, all this time I fear you and you’re not so tough!

The Spill Magic snowfall stops. Powder is exhausted and visibly weaker. Masked Bagger gives one final punch to the villain, knocking him to the floor. The 717 Guardian looks down. Powder is turning white - not flesh colored but snow white. Tincher walks over to them.

The Powder: Too much.

Masked Bagger: What’s too much?

The Powder: I extracted too much Spill Magic from my body to create this snowfall. Hospital. Get me to a hospital.

Our hero turns to Tincher.

Masked Bagger: Professor… hospital?

Professor Tincher: (to Powder) How does it feel to be weak?

The Powder: Dad… help me.

The Professor is conflicted. He doesn’t want to help the monster who killed (among others) M.B. However, it’s in Tincher’s nature to help out anybody in need.

The Powder: Please!

Just then, Powder loses the fight for his life and transforms into an actual pile of powder. Masked Bagger and Professor Tincher watch on in shock.

Masked Bagger: And that’s the end of The Powder.

Professor Tincher: Yes. Just like that… he’s gone.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is in the basement. He hears a noise coming from one of the cells. It’s Salt-Man.

Salt-Man: I’m not immune to that poison powder. I figured I’d be safe in here. Is it over?

Masked Bagger: Not yet.

Masked Bagger closes the cell door and locks it.

Masked Bagger: Now it’s over. And we’re working to make this cell stronger to hold you longer.

Salt-Man: This sucks!

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is sitting at his desk, staring at a framed picture of his family. Adam enters the office.

Adam Hauck: What’s that, Professor?

Professor Tincher: It’s a picture of my wife, my son and myself. I’ve had this on my desk for years now.

Adam Hauck: I guess I always just overlooked it. How do you feel?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know. I mean, I look at the happy family we once were, and I feel pain because I’m the only one left, and the others had such tragic ends.

Adam Hauck: I’m sorry we couldn’t save Bailey.

Professor Tincher: Bailey died six years ago. You were right about that. The guy we fought was not my son. At least I have closure now.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, but if we captured him, maybe you could have rehabilitated him, like you’re planning to try with the others.

Professor Tincher: It’s a nice thought to one day have Bailey back, but right now I just want to focus on what I do have: a good job, and a good friend, and wonderful memories of the family that used to be.

Tincher sets the framed picture of his family back on his desk.

Professor Tincher: If you don’t mind, Adam, I’d like to be alone.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, okay. I’ve got something else I have to do anyways.

Adam exits Tincher’s office. Tincher continues looking at the picture. Then he opens his drawer and pulls out another framed picture. It’s the one with Adam, M.B., Katie, Mickey and himself. He places it on the desk next to the other, then sits back in his chair and looks at the picture of his new “family” next to his old family.

CUT TO: Adam walks up to Katie, who’s in non-foods, putting away re-shops. He’s planning on asking her out on a date.

Adam Hauck: Katie, hi.

Katie Collins: Hey. What’s up?

Adam Hauck: Oh, nothing much. I mean now that Masked Bagger saved the store again.

Katie Collins: I know. He’s awesome.

Adam Hauck: Yep. He is. Listen, I was wondering if…

So nervous, Adam looks down at the shelf instead of Katie, and continues talking.

Adam Hauck: …you’d like to go out with me, sometime?

He looks over at her and she doesn’t look thrilled by the question, which makes Adam even more nervous and explains why he then throws in…

Adam Hauck: As friends, of course!

Katie Collins: As friends?

Just then, Hailie Morgan walks up to them. Adam turns around to act like he’s just there shopping. However, the shelf his face is level to is for adult diapers.

Hailie Morgan: Hi, Katie. What be up?

Katie Collins: Nothin’.

Adam Hauck: (to himself) She’s kinda being asked out.

Hailie grabs a product off the shelf.

Hailie Morgan: Well I have to give this to a customer. See ya later.

Katie Collins: Okay, bye.

Hailie walks off and Katie turns to Adam.

Katie Collins: You like to bowl, don’t you?

Adam Hauck: Yeah.

Katie Collins: We can go bowling then.

CUT TO: Adam is in his house with the song “You Can Call Me Al” by Paul Simon playing, while he dances around like a fool, overjoyed that he has a date with Katie coming up.


"You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon -

Last edited by Adamantium; 10-01-2018 at 11:36 AM.
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Old 03-29-2017, 08:04 AM   #11
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ISSUE #5. Meat-Grindin' Love

Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
Meat-Man alias Rob Jenkins [pictured below]
Kroger Devil [pictured below]
Bernie Boswell
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Last edited by Adamantium; 10-01-2018 at 11:36 AM.
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Old 03-29-2017, 08:08 AM   #12
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Join Date: Sep 11, 2002
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ISSUE #5. Meat-Grindin’ Love

Originally Released on June 18th, 2013

And the Story Continues On…

Rob Jenkins, a meat department employee, is standing at the time clock. Katie Collins walks up to him and smiles.

Katie Collins: There you are, babe.

Rob Jenkins: (smiles) I’m here.

They both kiss on the lips.

Katie Collins: I love you.

Rob Jenkins: No more than I do you, sweet thing.

Suddenly, all of that goes away. It was a daydream of Rob’s. In reality, he stands at the time clock and Katie walks over towards him, and clocks in. He’s too nervous to do or say anything. He then watches as she walks away.

Rob Jenkins: (whispers) I love you.

Mickey starts to walk past Rob.

Rob Jenkins: Hey, Tork.

Mickey Tork: Yeah.

Rob Jenkins: Do you know if Katie has a boyfriend?

Mickey Tork: Well I don’t know about boyfriend, but she and Adam are becoming a thing. They went on a bowling date last night.

Rob looks upset.

CUT TO: Adam finishes bagging an order. Mickey returns from his break, and approaches him.

Mickey Tork: So how was your date?

Adam Hauck: It was great, but not officially a date.

Mickey Tork: Was it just the two of you?

Adam Hauck: Yes.

Mickey Tork: Did you both talk about your likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams, and get to know one another?

Adam Hauck: Yes. She wants to be a kindergarten teacher, and dislikes people who make fun of those with disabilities.

Mickey Tork: Did you pay?

Adam Hauck: Yes.

Mickey Tork: Did she put out?

Adam Hauck: No!

Mickey Tork: It was a date.

Professor Tincher walks up.

Professor Tincher: Guys, am I paying you to stand around and talk?

Mickey Tork: Adam was telling me about his date with Katie.

Professor Tincher: (interested) Ooh, details.

Adam Hauck: Okay. We went to the bowling alley.

Tork interrupts.

Mickey Tork: Which one?

Adam Hauck: Banta Bowling. We bowled four games and ate pizza at their little restaurant. There’s not much more to tell. We didn’t kiss or anything. In her mind, it was just a couple of friends hanging out. I will say this, however. I am full-fledged in love with Katie Nichole Collins.

CUT TO: A couple hours later. Adam and Katie are up front. She clocks out to go on a break. Adam finally gets the nerve to talk about their “date.”

Adam Hauck: So, did you have a good time bowling?

Katie Collins: Yeah. It was a lot of fun.

Adam Hauck: (smiles) Remember when we had to wait for the lanes, so we made reservations for Hauck? Fifteen minutes later, they called out “Hackett to the front desk.”

Katie Collins: Yeah, lol. We went up to the counter to see if they meant us, and they did.

Adam Hauck: Did you just say “lol”?

Katie Collins: Yeah, haha.

Adam Hauck: Well do you think you’d want to do it again, sometime? Bowling, that is, not say “lol”.

Katie Collins: Of course, Puddin’.

Adam Hauck: Great. Well just let me know when is best for you and we’ll go again.

Katie Collins: Okay.

Rob Jenkins is crouched behind a register, watching the two talk. He’s outraged that they’re both dating. That’s HIS woman.. Or so he feels. Just then, an announcement is made on the intercom.

Intercom Voice: Masked Bagger to the dairy. Masked Bagger to the dairy. Those birds are back, and attacking customers.

Adam Hauck: Well, I’ll see you, Katie.

Katie Collins: You gonna hide?

Adam Hauck: Um, no. I’m not the coward you seem to think I am.

Katie Collins: Well, see ya.

Katie walks off. Adam runs over to the bagger’s closet. Rob continues to watch. Suddenly Masked Bagger exits the closet. He runs off to the dairy.

Rob Jenkins: I don’t believe it. Adam Hauck is The Masked Bagger!

CUT TO: Rob Jenkins is in a dark room, with lit candles providing some light. Suddenly, the Kroger Devil appears.

Kroger Devil: How did you know to reach me?

Rob Jenkins: Please, I’m in the Kroger occult.

Kroger Devil: What is it that you want?

Rob Jenkins: If you’re really the Kroger Devil, then you already know what I want.

Kroger Devil: You have to say it first. That’s how it works.

Rob Jenkins: I want super powers so that I can take down Masked Bagger.

Kroger Devil: And why do you want to take down the beloved hero of 717?

Rob Jenkins: I know who he really is, and he’s dating my girlfriend. He needs to be dead.

Kroger Devil: And what do you think I can do for you?

Rob Jenkins: Please, I know you’re responsible for all the super villains in the store. There are no freak accidents here. You threw Beckett into the compost. You somehow turned Bailey Moore into The Powder. You made Dan Lewis become Salt-Man. Now I want you to do the same for me.

Kroger Devil: What do I get in return?

Rob Jenkins: What do you want?

Kroger Devil: Now that I think of it, you being in my army of evil will be enough. Others have failed. You must not.

Rob Jenkins: I will not fail, for I have right on my side. Masked Bagger will soon be known as “The Masked Corpse.”

Kroger Devil: I’m sure no one will ever call him that, even if you do succeed in killing him.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger hands a little girl back to her mother.

Masked Bagger: There you go, ma’am. Your daughter is safe now.

Mother: Thank you, Masked Bagger. You’re the greatest.

Masked Bagger: (humbled) I do what I can.

The proud hero of 717 walks off. He gets past the meat department when he hears a voice calling his name. He walks inside and looks around, but it’s empty. He turns around to leave but suddenly Meat-Man (formerly Rob Jenkins) is standing there. He punches Masked Bagger in the face, knocking him to the floor.

Meat-Man: You’re not so tough.

Masked Bagger: Oh, here we go. What’s *your* name?

Meat-Mean: What do you think my name is?

Masked Bagger: (gets up off the floor) Well, let’s see. You’re made up of raw meat, so is it Meat-Man?

Meat-Man: Precisely.

Masked Bagger: What do you want?

Meat-Man: I want to have a sale… Masked Bagger Cutlets, $2.99. The once proud hero of the store will soon be ground meat, packaged and sold to an unsuspecting customer.

Masked Bagger: $2.99 for me? I don’t think so. I’m worth at least five bucks!

Masked Bagger takes a swing at Meat-Man, punching him in the face. However, he gets raw meat on his knuckles.

Masked Bagger: Ugh, nasty!

Meat-Man: Haha, amateur!

Meat-Man takes out a meat cleaver and swings it at the 717 Guardian. Masked Bagger steps back and dodges what could have been a fatal slice.

Masked Bagger: I didn’t know we could use weapons. Lemme get out my…

Masked Bagger gets his spray bottle out and sprays Meat-Man in the eyes with the cleaner. While the villain is rubbing his eyes, our hero grabs the bag-gun, and aims it at him. However, Meat-Man notices what’s about to happen, and he swings the cleaver, knocking it out of Masked Bagger’s hand. It’s been destroyed.

Masked Bagger: You broke it! This isn’t over!

Unsure of how to capture the villain, Masked Bagger walks away, with plans of returning with a new bag-gun.

Meat-Man: A win for the Meat-Man, but now it’s time to step it up a notch.

CUT TO: A while later, Meat-Man gets on the intercom. Because his look and new persona don’t affect his voice, it simply sounds as if Rob Jenkins is making the page.

Meat-Man: (on intercom) Katie Collins to the meat department. Katie Collins to the meat department.

CUT TO: Katie enters the meat department.

Katie Collins: What you want, Rob?

She looks around but doesn’t see him. Suddenly, out of the cooler comes Meat-Man. She looks at him and is instantly scared.

Katie Collins: What is this?

Meat-Man: Welcome, my love.

CUT TO: Adam comes back inside from doing carts.

Adam Hauck: Hey, Mick, do you know where Katie is?

Mickey Tork: You mean besides your dreams?

Adam Hauck: Yes! She’s on carts now.

Mickey Tork: Uh, Jenkins paged her to the meat department a bit ago. I haven’t seen her since.

Remembering that Meat-Man’s voice sounded a lot like Rob Jenkins, a shiver goes down Adam’s spine. He runs off.

CUT TO: Adam runs into Tincher’s office.

Adam Hauck: Meat-Man has Katie!

Professor Tincher: Meat-Man? Is that a nickname for someone who’s very well endowed?

Adam Hauck: No, it’s a new super villain. His voice sounds like Rob Jenkins, but I’m not sure.

Professor Tincher: That would explain why no one has seen Rob in a while. I’ll check the monitors to see if I can locate them.

Adam Hauck: Okay but hurry. Who knows what that psycho will do?

Professor Tincher: You know, it’s funny. Last month, Jenkins was Employee of the Month. Now he’s a villain. When the spotlight of such an honor goes away, it can do crazy things to a person.

Adam Hauck: Monitors - NOW!

CUT TO: Meat-Man’s lair, under the meat department. Katie is sitting down, tied up to a chair.

Meat-Man: Will you go out with me?

Katie Collins: What? Ugh, no way!

Meat-Man: But we belong together.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to leave me alone.

Meat-Man: If I can’t have you… no one can!

Katie Collins: You really think you had a chance with me - looking like that?

Meat-Man: Well seeing as I’m quite deranged, of course I thought I had a chance. I mean who *wouldn’t* wanna get with this?

CUT TO: The break room. Mickey is sitting at a table. Bernie Boswell walks over and looks at all five tables. They’re all empty except for the one Mickey is at. Naturally, Bernie chooses to sit next to him.

Bernie Boswell: Hi there, Mickey.

Mickey Tork: Hi, Boswell. Say, there are four other tables to sit at. They’re all empty, too. Why sit next to me?

Bernie Boswell: I want the company.

Mickey Tork: We can still talk, sitting at different tables, though.

Bernie Boswell: Eh, I like this way better. Have you seen my usual break buddy Adam?

Mickey Tork: Not since he got off carts. I assumed he went to the restroom, but he never came back. That was a half hour ago.

Bernie Boswell: Well sometimes you just gotta sit there until it’s all out of your system. That can take a while.

Mickey Tork: Nasty! I’m eating. I don’t want to think about people going to the bathroom.

Bernie Boswell: Sorry. Hey, did you hear Rob Jenkins is in love with Katie Collins?

Mickey Tork: Really? Adam’s in love with her, too. I like Katie and all, but I don’t see why every guy has to fall for her.

Bernie Boswell: I hear ya. Personally, I go more for Debbie Garfield from floral.

Mickey Tork: She’s sixty-seven!

Bernie Boswell: Like a fine wine, she gets sexier with age.

Mickey Tork: (sarcastically) Yep, nothing sexier than old wine.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Masked Bagger are in the basement. Tincher is looking at the monitors. Masked Bagger is pacing around.

Masked Bagger: I can’t stand this. I feel so helpless. I have to do something! I’ll never forgive myself if something’s happened to her.

Professor Tincher: Simmer down, Adam. I’m doing this as fast as I can. I just don’t see them anywhere in the store. Unless…

Masked Bagger: Unless what?

Professor Tincher: It’s possible the Scrominians have built an underground lair.

Masked Bagger: Who?

Professor Tincher: The Scrominians. They’re an alien race who can build things incredibly fast. When I came to this store, there was no basement, but I hired them, and within the week, there was a basement. I wonder if they built more underground rooms.

Masked Bagger: Should I check under the meat department?

Professor Tincher: It’s worth a shot. After this, we should really go around and search the entire building for secret rooms and add them to the Kroger map.

Masked Bagger: Let’s save Katie first.

Masked Bagger leaves the basement.

Professor Tincher: I believe I said “after this.” Of course we’d save Katie first.

CUT TO: Meat-Man standing by, waiting for the masked hero to arrive.

Meat-Man: When is he getting here? What kind of a slow superhero does this store have?

Masked Bagger arrives.

Masked Bagger: “Slow” is *your* word, Meathead! I consider myself to be fashionably late. Actually, I just had a heck of a time finding this place. What, you couldn’t kidnap Katie and hold her hostage in the meat department?

Meat-Man: Not how I operate. Now, you want to save Katie Collins? Come and get her!

Masked Bagger looks ahead and sees Meat-Man has set up a small obstacle course for him to go through before reaching Katie. It’s filled with meat cleavers, knives, and raw meat on the floor, to make it slippery. He then looks at Katie. She’s tied up, and dangling over a giant meat grinder. She looks back at Masked Bagger with fear in her eyes.

Masked Bagger: I’m coming, Katie! Just hang on!

The magnificent man in a mask runs to save her. Suddenly, three meat cleavers are tossed in his direction. He dodges each of them. He runs a little further and a giant bone saw, standing upright, slides across the floor. Masked Bagger jumps out of the way. He continues walking when he slips on some raw meat on the floor. This turns out to have saved his life, because just as he fell, a big meat cleaver swung past where he would have been standing. He looks up and a set of knives fall from the ceiling. The hero rolls over and avoids getting stabbed. He then gets up and the obstacle course is over. Meat-Man pulls Masked Bagger aside.

Meat-Man: I know your secret.

Masked Bagger: What secret?

Meat-Man: I know who you really are.

Masked Bagger: Who’s that?

Meat-Man: Adam Hauck.

Masked Bagger: Um, no.

Meat-Man: Don’t lie to me. I thought you were better than that.

Masked Bagger: I’m not about to admit to who I am under the mask.

Meat-Man: I saw you, er, Adam that is, run into the bagger’s closet and YOU, The Masked Bagger, came out. Don’t worry. I won’t tell Katie your secret, or she’ll just love you even more.

Masked Bagger: She loves me?

Meat-Man: Well yeah. I mean she went out on a date with you.

Masked Bagger: As friends.

Meat-Man: As friends? You mean you two aren’t starting a relationship?

Masked Bagger: No.

Meat-Man: Then all of this was for nothing?

Masked Bagger: Yeah… but this isn’t.

Masked Bagger punches Meat-Man in the face. This time he’s wearing rubber gloves, so his hands don’t get messy. The villain falls over. He picks Meat-Man up by his jacket, and punches him again. The baddie falls back down. Just as Masked Bagger is about to do it again. Meat-Man hurls raw meat at him. It hits him in the face. As the hero is wiping it off, Meat-Man stands up. He pulls a wrapped pork loin from his pocket, and slaps Masked Bagger in the face as hard as he can. It hurts and momentarily stuns him.

Meat-Man: You and Katie may not be a couple, but I still have to kill you. I made a deal with a certain someone. I can’t *not* do this. After I kill you, I’ll finish off our girl, too.

The Monstrous Meat-Man pulls a meat cleaver out of his other pocket and lifts it over his head, about to swing it at The Masked Bagger. The hero, in a quick decision, takes out his spray bottle and aims it at the cleaver.

Meat-Man: What are you doing?

Masked Bagger: If that nasty thing is gonna touch me, I want to make sure it’s clean first. You can kill me, but at least let it be sanitary. I don’t ask for much, you know.

Meat-Man: That’s true. You don’t. Spray it.

Masked Bagger sprays the cleaver, then quickly sprays Meat-Man in the eyes, distracting him while the 717 Guardian then uses both fists to punch the villain in the stomach. As he falls to the floor, Meat-Man throws the cleaver in the air. When it comes back down, it heads for Meat-Man’s chest. Masked Bagger catches it with the blade just inches away from the villain’s body.

Masked Bagger: I saw a villain die not too long ago. That’s not my thing, but if you ever go near Katie again, you’re gonna get a whole lot more than this…

Masked Bagger gets out his new bag-gun and shoots Meat-Man with it, capturing him in the giant bag. The man in a mask runs over to Katie, who is still dangling over the meat grinder. Just then, the rope gives, and she falls. Masked Bagger runs and risks his life by jumping across the grinder, catching her in his arms, and landing on the other side. It was dangerous, but Adam would rather die trying to save Katie, than to live without her. She’s so grateful to him for saving her life, Katie kisses him on the cheek.

Katie Collins: Thanks, Puddin’.

Masked Bagger: Puddin’?

That’s what she calls Adam. He begins to wonder if she knows his true identity.

Katie Collins: Yeah. It’s just something I call people sometimes.

Masked Bagger: Oh, so you’re loose with the word “puddin’”? You shouldn’t be. When you say it, maybe a certain guy takes it to heart and thinks that’s his special nickname from you.

Katie Collins: Huh?

Masked Bagger: Nothing. Let’s get out of here.

CUT TO: The Kroger Devil is in his hideout.

Kroger Devil: Jenkins failed… just like I knew he would. He doesn’t have what it takes to defeat Masked Bagger. He was so pompous beckoning me, that I had to teach the moron a lesson. Don’t worry, Jenkins. I have my own plans for killing Masked Bagger. It’s all in the timing.

Kroger Devil’s pet snake, Jasper, slithers into the room.

Jasper the Snake: Are you talking to yourself again, Master?

Kroger Devil: Of course I am, you fool. Now slither on out of here and let me finish my monologue!

Jasper leaves the room.

Kroger Devil: (clears throat) I, uh, Tincher, or something. Great. Now I forgot what I was gonna say!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks down the stairs, dragging the bag with Meat-Man inside. Professor Tincher is sitting there.

Masked Bagger: You know, after battling Meat-Man, I’ve gotta say, I’m a vegetarian now.

Professor Tincher: Oh really?

Masked Bagger: Yup.

Tincher takes out a hot McDonald’s bag. Masked Bagger immediately looks at it.

Masked Bagger: What’s that?

Professor Tincher: It’s a Quarter Pounder with cheese, plain. Just the way you like it, if I remember correctly. I’d offer it to you, but that would be an insult. You are, after all, a vegetarian.

Masked Bagger: Can I have it?

Professor Tincher: What about being a vegetarian?

Masked Bagger: I just meant I won’t go out and hunt animals to eat. Uh, meat that’s already prepared for me, though, such as restaurant food, well, that’s a different thing. Now did you get any nuggets with that?

Professor Tincher: They’re called “McNuggets” and of course I did.

Masked Bagger: McGimme!

Masked Bagger snatches the bag of McDonald’s food from Tincher’s hand, and runs off with it. The professor laughs.

CUT TO: Up front. Adam is bagging when he sees Katie walk past. He leaves the order to go over to her and talk.

Adam Hauck: Hi Katie!

Katie Collins: Oh, what’s up?

Adam Hauck: Nothing with me. You had quite the adventure though.

Katie Collins: Yeah, I did. Good thing Masked Bagger was there to save me.

Adam Hauck: Yeah. Good thing.

Katie Collins: Well, peace out.

Katie walks away. Just then, Mickey Tork comes over and puts his arm around Adam. Adam is uncomfortable.

Adam Hauck: Why are you touching me?

Mickey Tork: Adam, Adam, Adam. You struck out with Katie.

Adam Hauck: What do you mean?

Mickey Tork: Katie wanted *you* to save her.

Adam Hauck: Why would I save her? We have an in-store superhero.

Mickey Tork: Doesn’t matter. She knows you like her. She was held hostage and you were nowhere to be found. You could have at least been there with Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: So she’s mad at me?

Mickey Tork: No, I don’t think so. Disappointed, maybe. You’re no longer a man in her eyes.

Adam Hauck: I was a man in her eyes? I never knew that!

Mickey Tork: Sorry.

Mickey walks away. Adam stands there, looking like he could cry.

Adam Hauck: I’ll never forget that kiss on the cheek she gave me. Oh well, I imagine things can’t get any worse.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Adam is down there. Professor Tincher enters.

Adam Hauck: Professor, when I incarcerated Meat-Man earlier, I noticed that we’re getting quite the collection of super villains: Meat-Man, Salt-Man, Pineapple-Man. Whoever comes up with these names really needs to get more creative.

Professor Tincher: Yeah.

Adam Hauck: You seem upset.

Professor Tincher: I have some bad news.

Adam Hauck: What?

Professor Tincher: I’ve been transferred. I have to leave 717.

Adam Hauck: What? Why?

Professor Tincher: Store managers get transferred all the time.

Adam Hauck: But you’re more than a store manager.

Professor Tincher: Not in the eyes of Kroger apparently. I was lucky to stay here as long as I have.

Adam Hauck: I guess I kinda thought you owned the building or corporate knows who you really are or something.

Professor Tincher: I made this store my home, but now it’s time to leave. I will work on a way to come back though. Until then, I’m gonna live with my brother, so all of my things can stay here. Hopefully I can get all this straightened out and return.

Adam Hauck: What am I gonna do without you?

Professor Tincher: You’ll be fine. I’ll come by from time to time to check up on you and see how you’re doing Masked Bagger-wise.

Adam Hauck: I’ll miss you. When are you leaving?

Professor Tincher: Right now.

Adam Hauck: Right now? No party or anything? No cake?

Professor Tincher: No. I don’t want to make a big deal out of this.

Adam Hauck: Well goodbye, Professor.

Professor Tincher: Goodbye, Adam.

They both hug.


Last edited by Adamantium; 10-01-2018 at 11:37 AM.
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Old 03-30-2017, 10:31 AM   #13
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ISSUE #6. The New Manager

Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
Mr. Hyatt [pictured below]
Kroger Devil
Hailie Morgan
Bernie Boswell
Retro Masked Bagger [pictured below]
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Old 03-30-2017, 10:34 AM   #14
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Join Date: Sep 11, 2002
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ISSUE #6. The New Manager

Originally Released on September 5th, 2013

Once Again, Our Story…

A strange man walks down a cold, dark hallway with a letter in his hand. Once he reaches the end of the hallway, he stops in front of a door, and opens it. Professor Tincher is inside the room, which resembles a dungeon greatly. There’s no furniture, and Tincher is sitting on the floor.

Strange Man: Here’s a letter for you, Tincher. You can read it, but you can’t respond to it.

Tincher is handed the letter and then the man turns around and leaves the room, closing the door behind him. The Professor opens the letter and reads it.

Dear Professor Tincher,

Adam here. It’s been over a month that you’ve been away and I miss you. You never come to visit. I thought you were gonna come to visit. I wish I wasn’t here anymore. The new boss, Mr. Hyatt, is a complete tool. Everyone hates him. We all want you back. Plus, I was driving the Bagger-Mobile, and it suddenly broke down in front of a bunch of customers. It made me look like an idiot. I kind of bounced forward outta my seat. Girls laughed. I was mortified. I don’t even know how to fix it. Who would I take it to, to get it fixed? I always assumed you were the chief mechanic for it. Well anyways, I’m sending you this letter because for some reason, you’re not responding to my texts and your Facebook page hasn’t been updated since you joined. Seriously, why even have a page on there if you’re not gonna update it?

Changes have been made. Hyatt has implemented a new e-schedule for the store. It’s terrible. No one likes it. I’m starting to think that the “e” in e-schedule stands for “evil.” Pretty sure that because our hours have been cut, Hyatt’s been given a raise, too. He made Mickey the store cleaner. Katie only works one day this week. She’s talking about quitting! Bernie Boswell has found religion - only it’s one he made up, Boswellity. That’s got nothing to do with the new boss, but I just had to tell you that! Crazy, huh? Rob Jenkins (Meat-Man) has asked for a conjugal visit from Katie. Of course, I said no.

Okay, well that’s it for now. I’ll talk to you later, hopefully. Take care.

Sincerely the Guardian of 717, Masked Bagger

Tincher sighs, wishing he could be back at his old store, and not in a cold dungeon.

CUT TO: Adam is doing re-shops. Mr. Hyatt walks over to him.

Mr. Hyatt: Are you making a career out of that?

Adam Hauck: Huh?

Mr. Hyatt: Hurry it up. I’ve got some more stuff for you to do after re-shops.

Adam Hauck: Okay.

Mr. Hyatt: Okay? Okay what?

Adam Hauck: Okay, SIR!

Mr. Hyatt: You’ve had an attitude problem ever since I came to this store.

Adam Hauck: (sarcastic) Hmm, I wonder if there’s any connection?

Mr. Hyatt: Watch it, Adam! You know, it’s not just me. I’ve had a couple customer complaints about you.

Adam Hauck: Sure, all the good things I do, not one customer gives a compliment. They’re all so quick to mention when I mess up though.

Mr. Hyatt: You need to be lovely to customers.

Adam Hauck: I am very lovely to customers. Most of them think I’m down right lovable!

Adam spots a woman with a big belly. He goes up to her.

Adam Hauck: Hello there ma’am. How’s your shopping experience at Kroger so far?

Woman: Just fine. Thanks for asking.

Adam Hauck: No problem. So when’s the baby due?

Woman: Baby? (angry) I’m not pregnant!

Adam Hauck: (scared) I’m sorry. I just assumed because of your big bel, uh, I mean you have this glow about you.

Woman: I gotta say my shopping experience just took a beating.

The woman walks away mad. Adam nervously turns to Mr. Hyatt.

Mr. Hyatt: Was that an example of your loveliness to customers?

Adam Hauck: Kinda.

Mr. Hyatt: Epic fail.

Suddenly, a giant bird-man swoops down and picks up a little 5-year-old girl with his claws and flies off with her. Adam looks at Hyatt, who doesn’t seem to care about what has just happened.

Adam Hauck: I gotta go… bag something!

Adam runs in the opposite direction of the bird in order to get to the bagger’s closet and change into The Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: (to himself) If only you gave me a morpher, Professor, I wouldn’t have to run to the bagger’s closet right now.

He enters the closet and then changes identities. As that magnificent man in a mask, he goes in search of the little girl and the big bird (not the one from Sesame Street). After a few moments, he spots them, takes out his cart strap and hurls it at the bird-man’s leg, hoping to connect to it.

CUT TO: The break room. Katie and Hailie are sitting together at a table, chatting.

Katie Collins: He’s great.

Hailie Morgan: Girl, that be sweet. Say how long have we been up here, anyway?

Katie Collins: (looks at cell phone) It’s just now been fifteen minutes.

Just then, Mr. Hyatt’s voice comes over the intercom.

Mr. Hyatt’s Voice: Katie Collins and Hailie Morgan to customer service. Your break is over. I repeat, your break is over.

Katie Collins: Ugh, I HATE Mr. Hyatt!

Hailie Morgan: Yeah, that weasel has nothing better to do than watch the time for our break.

Mickey Tork enters the break room with some cleaning supplies.

Mickey Tork: You girls better get moving. Mr. Hyatt doesn’t want to page you again.

Katie Collins: Are you his lackey?

Mickey Tork: No, but I respect the man. He’s done a great job here lately. Really turned the store around. I’m no longer a bagger, and that’s all thanks to my main man Hyatt.

Suddenly, the bird-man with the little girl still clutched in his claws, and Masked Bagger hanging on by a cart strap attached to its leg, flies into the break room. Hailie and Mickey scream. The bird-man flies in circles as he doesn’t see a way out.

Masked Bagger: (still attached to the bird-man) Hello everyone. How are you doing today?

Katie Collins: Okay.

Masked Bagger: Do me a favor and grab the girl.

Katie reaches up when the bird-man flies over her, and grabs the little girl, pulling her down. She’s safe.

Masked Bagger: Great work, Katie. Now take her downstairs to her mother.

Katie Collins: Don’t keep telling me what to do.

Masked Bagger: Fine, DON’T take the girl downstairs to her mother.

Katie Collins: Oh yeah? I’m taking this little girl down to her mother.

Katie and the girl go downstairs, while Hailie and Mickey hide in the corner. The bird-man, with Masked Bagger still hanging on, flies through the big window. Amazingly, it breaks through the glass, and makes it outside. The impact of the glass killed the bird, and it vanishes, leaving Masked Bagger up in the sky, about to fall to his death.

Masked Bagger: And to think, I almost called off today.

CUT TO: Back in Tincher’s dungeon. The strange man who handed him the letter returns. Tincher is asleep on the floor. The man kicks him in the ribs and wakes him up.

Professor Tincher: What do you want?

Strange Man: It’s time for revelations.

Professor Tincher: This a church service?

Strange Man: No. You’re going to find out what’s going on here.

Professor Tincher: What *is* going on here?

The “strange” man morphs into The Kroger Devil. Tincher is shocked, but he still doesn’t know who he’s looking at.

Professor Tincher: What the devil?

Kroger Devil: *Kroger* Devil to be exact.

Professor Tincher: Kroger Devil? So you’re not just a legend like many believe, but an actual entity.

Kroger Devil: You catch on fast. You and I go way back, and you don’t even know it. I’ve been around since the creation of Kroger itself.

Professor Tincher: Why am I here? What do you want with me?

Kroger Devil: Don’t ya want to hear my story?

Professor Tincher: Not particularly.

Kroger Devil: I had to get you away from 717 for a while so I could plant a new boss there. He’s evil. The only reason I’m keeping you alive is because I can use you for leverage to get at The Masked Bagger… and the thing is, I can keep you alive for years.

Professor Tincher: But he doesn’t know I’m here.

Kroger Devil: Oh but he will. I have a plan in motion, Tinchy.

Professor Tincher: If you’re so powerful, why do all of this just to get at him? Destroy him from where you’re standing right now.

Kroger Devil: You don’t know how things work, do you? I know I will win in the end. That is a fact. The fun is in the game. Screwing with people. Hurting people. It’s all part of my overall scheme for fun. I know how it ends. I’m just having a ball until then.

Professor Tincher: I am so stupid. I should have known something was up when I got transferred to Kroger store 666.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is laying dead on the Kroger parking lot. It was a good run that was sadly cut short.


Masked Bagger was merely imagining what it would be like if he had hit the ground and died. In reality, he was inside the bird-men’s nest. One of them had swooped by and rescued him for reasons unknown to the 717 Guardian.

Masked Bagger: I’ve got to get back to the store. It’s time for Adam to take a break!

Masked Bagger slides down the pole, which is holding up the nest. Once he’s on the ground, he enters the store. He hears a page on the intercom.

Mr. Hyatt’s Voice: Masked Bagger to the manager’s office. Masked Bagger to the manager’s office.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger enters Mr. Hyatt’s office. Hyatt is sitting at his desk.

Masked Bagger: You wanted to see me, sir?

Mr. Hyatt: Yes I did, Mr. Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Please, no formalities. Just call me “Masked.”

Mr. Hyatt: I won’t be calling you anytime soon. You’re fired.

Masked Bagger: Fired? But why?

Mr. Hyatt: That weakling Tincher may have needed a superhero to keep him safe in this store, but I certainly do not. I can handle any problem that comes up all by myself. I gave you a secret trial period and you’re just not necessary. So thank you for your time here, but your services are no longer needed. Now be gone. If I see you on these premises again, I will call the cops and have you arrested.

Masked Bagger: With all due respect, you’re off your rocker.

Mr. Hyatt: How dare you say that to me?

Masked Bagger: What? I said “with all due respect.”

Mr. Hyatt: That doesn’t take away the sting of your insult. Remove your mask. I want to fire your secret identity, too!

Masked Bagger: No.

Mr. Hyatt: Do it!

Masked Bagger: You’re not my boss anymore, so you can’t order me to do anything.

Mr. Hyatt: Dang it. You got me there.

Masked Bagger slowly turns around, expecting Hyatt to shout or throw something at him. When he doesn’t, the former 717 Guardian walks out of Hyatt’s office. Hyatt then picks up the phone.

Mr. Hyatt: Let’s do this. Bring in the birds.

CUT TO: Adam is in the basement lab, packing up his Masked Bagger outfit.

Adam Hauck: (sighs) The end of an era. I know I can’t stop being Masked Bagger, but I don’t know how I can keep it going if the cops come to arrest me. I wish you were here right now, Professor.

CUT TO: Kroger store 666, Tincher’s dungeon. He’s laying there, staring off into nowhere. He hears a noise and looks over. Jasper the Snake slithers up next to Tincher.

Professor Tincher: (nervous) Hey there. What brings you my way?

Jasper the Snake: I’m here to help you.

Professor Tincher: Um, you’re talking!

Jasper the Snake: This is true.

Professor Tincher: Okay. I’ve officially slipped into a Disney dimension.

Jasper the Snake: Next time Kroger Devil enters, slice off his tail with this sword.

The snake rolls over, exposing a sword taped to his body. Tincher removes it and holds the sword in his hand.

Professor Tincher: Why his tail? I’ll just stab him in the heart.

Jasper the Snake: He doesn’t have a heart. Slicing the tail won’t kill him, but will render him helpless for a good ten minutes. That will be plenty of time for you to get out of this place and take back your store, which is currently being attacked by Hyatt and the bird-men.

CUT TO: Kroger 717 - all the customers are running around in a panic as the bird-men fly around the store, bullying them. It’s total chaos. Many of the employees have left the building and those remaining - including Katie, Mickey, Hailie, Bernie, and of course Adam - are being attacked by the bird-men. Adam fights some but then is slammed against a wall, hitting his head and is knocked out.

CUT TO: Tincher is sitting in the dungeon, hiding the sword behind his back. Kroger Devil enters.

Kroger Devil: It’s total chaos at good ol’ 717. I’m about to send word to your friend The Masked Bagger of your whereabouts. Anything else you want me to tell him?

Professor Tincher: No thanks…

Kroger Devil turns around to exit. Tincher quickly takes the sword and swings it at the evil freak, slicing his tail clean off. Kroger Devil drops to the floor and starts convulsing.

Professor Tincher: I’ll tell him myself!

Tincher runs out of the dungeon, and makes his way outside of the building - the first time in almost two months!

CUT TO: A room in the basement referred to as the cellar. Adam, Katie, Mickey, Hailie, and Bernie are all trapped inside a giant birdcage, hanging from the ceiling. Hyatt and the bird-men watch and laugh, thinking they’ve won.

Mr. Hyatt: You are the only ones left in the building. Everyone else has run off. Even your fearless hero. Yep, The Masked Bagger is history, and soon you fine employees will be joining him in being referred to in the past tense.

Adam Hauck: What are you going to do to us, Hyatt?

Mr. Hyatt: First I’ll insult your big belly by asking when the baby’s due. Then I’ll leave you all hanging there until each of you die of thirst. It will be a rather ugly sight, and will take around three days and lucky me, I have all the time to watch.

Katie Collins: The Masked Bagger ain’t history! He WILL come to rescue us. I believe that with all my heart!

Adam looks at her and is ashamed of himself, knowing that there’s no way The Masked Bagger can rescue them. Hailie then bangs her foot on one of the bars.

Hailie Morgan: Ouch! My toe be hurtin’.

Mickey Tork: Guys, I’m scared.

Bernie Boswell: How do you think *I* feel? My religion prohibits me from dying. Therefore I will literally be sitting in this cage with a bunch of dead bodies for the rest of time. And to think, my biggest problem before this was when they totally botched the DVD release of the first two seasons of “Baywatch”. I was such a fool before Boswellity.

Katie Collins: (sarcastically) Yeah, *before* Boswellity.

Professor Tincher enters Kroger 717, only to find it empty.

Professor Tincher: Hello. Is anybody here?

No response.

Professor Tincher: Is this an episode of “The Twilight Zone”? I thought there was a huge battle being fought here.

He heads for the basement, hoping to find Masked Bagger there. Once he arrives, Tincher finds the basement empty as well.

Professor Tincher: This can’t be happening. Where is everybody? Could it be that they’ve all… perished?

Tincher checks all the monitors, including one to the cellar. He sees what’s going on in there and becomes enraged - and happy, of course, to see them all alive. Professor Tincher goes to his closet, slides open the door, digs through some clothes until he finds his original Masked Bagger outfit. He pulls it out of the closet and looks at it.

Professor Tincher: It’s been a while, but it’s time to once again bag us a bad guy.

CUT TO: Back to the cellar. Hyatt is torturing the employees with his words.

Mr. Hyatt: Look at it this way, with all of you dead, you won’t have to deal with the pesky e-schedule, hahaha!

Mickey Tork: I’m starting to think you’re not a very good boss.

Mr. Hyatt: My job is to take down this store to the point where the employees become unhinged.

Adam Hauck: Who’s behind this? Who gave you that job?

Mr. Hyatt: That would be the Kroger Devil. Oh, and your old boss, Tincher, has been imprisoned for the past two months in the Kroger Devil’s lair. His transfer was all part of an evil scheme.

Adam Hauck: No!

Suddenly, The Masked Bagger enters the cellar. Only, it’s really Tincher in his old outfit and the sword, so the employees don’t immediately catch on to who he’s supposed to be.

Retro Masked Bagger: Release them, Hyatt!

Mr. Hyatt turns around to see the masked figure standing there.

Mr. Hyatt: Who are you supposed to be?

Retro Masked Bagger: I am The Masked Bagger!

Mr. Hyatt: You’re not The Masked Bagger.

Retro Masked Bagger: Oh but I am!

Mr. Hyatt: The Masked Bagger has brown hair… like Adam!

Hyatt points to Adam, making him nervous thinking everyone will suspect his true identity. No one does.

Retro Masked Bagger: I’m the Retro Masked Bagger. I’m kickin’ it old school today.

Mr. Hyatt: You’ve never carried a sword before.

Retro Masked Bagger: What, did you just read the history of The Masked Bagger online or something?

The sword disintegrates. Everyone - except Hyatt - look confused.

Mr. Hyatt: There. Now it will be a fair fight.

Retro Masked Bagger: I don’t understand.

Mr. Hyatt: I do, and now I know who you are… Professor Stan Tincher!

Adam Hauck: (to himself) Oh no, his secret is out. Brooke Montgomery is gonna die again!

Retro Masked Bagger: (to Hyatt) How do you know who I am?

Mr. Hyatt: I’m in on his plan, and you coming here with that sword confirmed your identity. Let’s fight!

Tincher punches Hyatt in the face, causing him to fall back a little. Hyatt then swings his own kind of punch by saying…

Mr. Hyatt: You gonna make a career outta that?

Those words hurts Tincher as if it was a physical punch. He falls back.

Mr. Hyatt: Is that all the work you’ve done today?

Again, it hurts Tincher like a punch to the face. He takes another swing at the villain, landing a blow to his jaw.

Mr. Hyatt: Ouch! But you’ll have to do better than that to defeat me. (he clears his throat) I’m scheduling you less hours, will call you up front to run a register every half hour, and still expect you to get more work done than usual!

This strikes Tincher like a gut punch. He doubles over in pain. Hyatt then kicks him in the face, and Tincher flies back and lands on his butt. As he lays there, four of the bird-men come over to him. Two each grab a hand, and the other two each grab a foot. The four fly away with the “Retro Masked Bagger.”

Mr. Hyatt: You can’t beat a manager. I screw you over and get a raise because of it!

CUT TO: The Kroger Devil in the dungeon. He has a tail again. Jasper the Snake slithers up to him.

Jasper the Snake: We did it, Master.

Kroger Devil: My tail grew back nicely. You did a good job with Tincher. He thinks he escaped on his own. Little does he know it was all part of my plan. Hahahahahahaha!

Jasper the Snake: Everything is funny to you, Master.

Kroger Devil: It’s all part of being evil. We laugh a lot.

CUT TO: The birds have Tincher (still in costume) in their big nest. He decides to trick them, knowing they love being evil.

Retro Masked Bagger: Excuse me, birds, but you’ve made a huge mistake. It is I - The Masked Bagger - who is taking over the store. I need your help in destroying it and Hyatt, the manager. Fly me back down and let’s attack that goody-goody Hyatt.

Bird-Man #1: I love that. Let’s go!

CUT TO: The cellar of 717. The employees are still in the giant cage. Hyatt is overjoyed, thinking he’s won.

Mr. Hyatt: I’m overjoyed! I won! The Kroger Devil will be so pleased to know his plan worked.

Very quietly, one of the bird-men heads over to the cage and unlocks it, freeing the hostages. They all slowly get out as not to cause attention to themselves. While the four stand by, Adam very quietly leaves the room and then runs over to the basement lab, and changes into The Masked Bagger. Back in the cellar, Tincher returns.

Retro Masked Bagger: I’m back. You can’t keep a good bagger down!

Adam’s Masked Bagger enters.

Masked Bagger: Or up. Because you were flown up by the birds.

Retro Masked Bagger: Exactly. So we finally meet. The Masked Bagger of the ‘90s and of today.

Masked Bagger: This is a special moment, but what’s say we kick some management butt!?!

Retro Masked Bagger: Sounds good to me.

Mr. Hyatt: This is an outrage! I fired you!

Masked Bagger: Turns out, you don’t have the authority for that.

The 717 Guardian lunges at Hyatt and punches him in the face five times. Everyone watches as their boss gets beat up. Masked Bagger grabs Hyatt by the collar of his shirt.

Masked Bagger: That was five punches. One for each of the employees you captured and planned to kill. Retro, reach into my holster and take out my bag-gun.

Retro Masked Bagger walks up to him and does as he’s instructed. Masked Bagger pushes Hyatt away from him.

Masked Bagger: Now!

Retro Masked Bagger shoots the bag-gun, which releases a giant Kroger bag, and captures Hyatt. The day is saved! Katie looks around.

Katie Collins: Hey, Adam’s gone. I’m getting real sick of this cowardly bit. He’s gotta man up.

Masked Bagger: Okay first of all, Adam came and got me. I told him to stay there. Secondly, “man up”? What, did he get you pregnant and now won’t help out with the baby or something?

Katie Collins: Imma need you to chill.

CUT TO: The staff are throwing Tincher a “Welcome Back” party in his office. This includes Adam, Katie, Mickey, Hailie, Bernie and of course, Tincher.

Professor Tincher: This is great, guys. Thank you. A couple of announcements. First up, the e-schedule is out of here, and secondly, Katie, you’ll go back to getting forty hours a week, so you won’t have to quit Kroger.

Katie Collins: Sweet. Thanks.

Mickey Tork: We’re glad to have you back, Chief.

Katie Collins: I thought you loved Mr. Hyatt so much, Mick.

Mickey Tork: I just liked being the cleaner. I was more mobile than the average bagger.

Professor Tincher: You can remain being the cleaner, Mickey.

Mickey Tork: Thanks, Mr. T.

Professor Tincher: You’re welcome, and I pity the fool who makes a big mess for you.

No one gets Tincher’s reference to Mister T except for Adam, who just didn’t find it funny.

CUT TO: A little bit later, after the party. Adam and Professor Tincher are in the basement lab.

Adam Hauck: Here we are, together again. It’s great. I didn’t realize quite how much you meant to me until you were gone. I’d say more but I don’t like to get all sappy.

Professor Tincher: Family and friends are important. So I’ve decided to introduce you to the teleporter. With this, you will be able to travel back home. You just set in an amount of time and it will send you home and bring you back all within the time you entered.

Adam Hauck: Uh, thanks Professor, but I already discovered this a while ago. I’ve been going home every Tuesday for months now. I mean, I have to bowl with my friends.

Professor Tincher: Don’t they ask you all sorts of Masked Bagger questions?

Adam Hauck: No. I never told my friends and co-workers about the dimension traveling. They all think I just went to 3rd shift. So my original goodbye to them was because I would be asleep while they’re awake, thus barely seeing each other again.

Professor Tincher: Hmm, well then.

Adam Hauck: Say, how come you never started the e-schedule?

Professor Tincher: I think it’s a terrible idea, and you would have to be a buffoon to start it. The staff morale is important, and I always knew e-schedule would destroy the morale in the store. Like I say, I’ll be getting rid of it.

Adam Hauck: Awesome. It’s great to have you back, Professor. The store wasn’t the same without you.

Professor Tincher: Thank you, Adam. It’s great to be back. “Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.”

Adam Hauck: “Wizard of Oz.” right?

Professor Tincher: Actually it’s from the song “Home! Sweet! Home!” written by John Howard Payne in 1822.

Adam Hauck: Wow. Knowledge of something other than comics. I’m impressed.

Professor Tincher: Don’t be. I just looked it up on the internet a little bit ago, and was hoping to use it. Oh, I almost forgot to mention. The Masked Bagger is officially rehired.

Adam Hauck: Great! Uh-oh. My spider-sense is tingling.

Professor Tincher: You don’t have “spider-sense.”

Adam Hauck: Well then what *is* that?

Professor Tincher: There’s an actual spider crawling on your head!

Adam screams and runs off. Tincher watches in amazement as the crazy guardian of 717 acts like a cowardly maniac.

Professor Tincher: (smiles) Yep. I definitely missed this place.


Last edited by Adamantium; 10-01-2018 at 11:38 AM.
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Old 03-31-2017, 10:34 AM   #15
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Join Date: Sep 11, 2002
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On the next page will be more Masked Bagger goodness, with the last four episodes of the first season (each season is ten episodes). Enjoy! And feel free to comment.
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