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Old 05-15-2016, 10:31 PM   #736
Family Ties Forever!
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Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.

I told them my fee: $45.

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I don't get it

The law firm charged him for everything including speaking to the wrong person.
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Old 05-15-2016, 11:01 PM   #737
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Let's try this one. I've found it works about half the time -------


There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."
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Old 05-15-2016, 11:26 PM   #738
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What's round at both ends and high in the middle? O-HI-O!
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Old 05-16-2016, 12:25 AM   #739
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opus
Let's try this one. I've found it works about half the time -------


There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."


Froggy says, WHAT??????


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Old 05-20-2016, 06:55 AM   #740
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The kindergarten class was learning the letters of the alphabet.

"What comes after 'T'?" the teacher asked.

Johnny quickly replied, "V."

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Old 05-20-2016, 09:42 AM   #741
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A little boy goes to a living history village and asks the tanner what he makes leather from.

"I make it from hide," the tanner says.

"What was that?" the boy asks. "I didn't hear you."

"Hide," the tanner says.

"What?" asks the boy. I didn't hear you."

The tanner shouts, "Hide! Hide! The cow's outside!"

The boy laughs. "I don't care if it is," he says. "I'm not afraid of cows."
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Old 05-24-2016, 09:05 PM   #742
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Touche!
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Old 06-05-2016, 03:14 AM   #743
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 06-07-2016, 08:50 PM   #744
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treky

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Old 08-05-2016, 02:29 PM   #745
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Old 08-05-2016, 05:37 PM   #746
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny Lane

Oy.
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Old 12-30-2016, 08:47 PM   #747
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Ha Ha! Good One!
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Old 12-31-2016, 04:06 PM   #748
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A motorist was driving through the country when he came to a fork in the road. Seeing a farmer workings in the adjacent field, he called to the farmer. "Excuse me," he said, "can you tell me which fork I should take to get to town?"

"Do you really want my advice? " the farmer said. "And trust me, I know this roads, so if I do give you advice, I hope you follow it."

"Yes, I do," said the motorist. "I was thinking I should take the left fork."

"Oh, no," said the farmer, "that's not the best way to town. I would suggest taking the right fork." He then walked away until he was out of sight.

The motorist then drove on and took the right fork. He came to a huge boulder in the road and was unable to go around it. He tried driving over it, and his rear axle broke.

The angry motorist walked back where the road diverged and found the farmer again.

"What happened to you?" the farmer asked.

"I broke the rear axle in my car!" the motorist screamed.

"Serves you right!" said the farmer. "That never would have happened if you had followed my advice!"

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Old 12-31-2016, 10:37 PM   #749
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I don't get it
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Old 12-31-2016, 10:40 PM   #750
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treky
I don't get it

The motorist did take the farmer's advice but the farmer didn't know he did.
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