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Old 11-05-2015, 12:00 PM   #691
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The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds, the bar empties with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaning over the bar.

The Devil wanders across to the old man and says,
"Do you know who I am?"

The old man takes another sip of his beer and answers,
"Yep."

The Devil stares at the old man and asks,
"Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute, shrugs, takes another sip of his beer, then says
"I married your sister 40 years ago. Why should I be scared of you?"
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Old 12-03-2015, 11:12 AM   #692
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Merry Christmas!

Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.

Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.

Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!

Q. What goes in a chimney red and white but comes out all black?
A. Santa Claus.

Q. What's white and red and goes up and down and up and down?
A. Santa Claus in an elevator!

Q. How do you scare a snowman?
A. You get a hairdryer!

Q. What do they sing under the ocean during the winter?
A. Christmas Corals!

Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!

Q. What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies?
A. Santa's burps!

Q. What do snowmen do on Christmas?
A. Play with the snow angels.

Q. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?
A. Santa walking backwards!

Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.

Q. How did the sheep say Merry Christmas?
A. "Fleece Avoided."

Q. What do you call a Santa that sleeps all the time?
A. Santa snores!

Q. Why was Santa's helper depressed?
A. He had low ELF-esteem.

Q. What's a good holiday tip?
A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night.

Q. What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A. A puddle!

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why does Santa have three gardens ?
A. So he can go HOE HOE HOE.

Q. Why did Sponge Bob have a great Christmas?
A. Because he kissed a Krabby Patty.

Q. What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
A. Comet.

Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Kringle.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
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Old 12-03-2015, 11:25 AM   #693
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Holiday Eating Tips


1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand,
martini in the other,
totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO HOO what a ride!'"
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Old 12-03-2015, 11:52 AM   #694
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A Redneck Christmas


You know you're a redneck if...

You do all of your Christmas shopping at a truck stop!

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

You save old appliances for Christmas presents.

You shop for gifts at garage sales.

You're serving your turkey on an old hubcap.

You shoot a turkey the day before Christmas.

All your silverware is plastic.

You're splurging on the HUNGRY MAN turkey TV dinners.

Thank you, Jeff Foxworthy!
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Old 12-03-2015, 12:15 PM   #695
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Fractured Christmas Carols


No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.
Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:


* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
* We three kings of porridge and tar
* On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
* Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
* He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
* Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
* With the jelly toast proclaim
* Olive, the other reindeer.
* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
* Sleep in heavenly peas
* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
* You'll go down in Listerine
* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
* Come, froggy faithful
* You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
* Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
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Old 12-06-2015, 03:30 AM   #696
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did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from prison?

Now he's a "small medium at large".
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 12-06-2015, 03:35 AM   #697
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"Boy, these taxes are really high!"

"Oh, that's where my brother-in-law lives!"

"Where?"

"In Texas".

"No, no, no; I'm talking about taxes-dollars!"

"Yea, that's where he lives; Dallas, Texas".
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Old 12-06-2015, 03:38 AM   #698
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pilot-"Wanna fly?"

teenager-"SURE!!"

pilot-"Wait a minute, I'll catch one for you."
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Old 12-08-2015, 08:38 PM   #699
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DIRECTIONS TO HEAVEN

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the
grocery store. As he waited, he was approached
by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post
Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this
street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor
in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll
show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're kidding
me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post
Office!”
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BE A Gypsy
Get Around
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Old 12-11-2015, 03:46 AM   #700
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what's another name for a piece of fake antipasta? An im-pasta!
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Old 12-30-2015, 02:14 PM   #701
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I overheard NYC Sanitation employees tell this one:

What happened to the Jewish man with a hard on who walked into a wall? He broke his nose.
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Old 12-30-2015, 04:19 PM   #702
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My chiropractor told me that a few weeks ago !!!!
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How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
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Old 01-17-2016, 01:22 PM   #703
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Yup!
Attached Images
 
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Old 01-24-2016, 04:45 PM   #704
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Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the
night, celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight,
Paddy'.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around
on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'oh
bloody damn!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get
to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He
sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on
his face.

'Bi' Jesus... I'm in bloody trouble,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No bloody way....'

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, 'I can make it
to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says 'damn it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?'



'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
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Old 02-03-2016, 09:32 AM   #705
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A store for singles is a "meet" market.

They honored the French chef by giving him the quiche to the city.

Barbie's fave sports team is the Doll-fins.

I once saw a tribal chief eat an entire Websters dictionary.
We gave him castor oil for a week
but never got a word out of him.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I picked up a Magic 8-Ball the other day and it said
"Outlook not so good."
I said,
"Sure, but Microsoft still ships it."
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