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Old 04-10-2019, 08:09 PM   #46
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Al: I hate the look.

Marty Taylor: How would you know about the look? You're not even married.

Al: I get the look when I am snippy to mother.

Tim: In your mom's case, the look's actually an improvement.
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I love all three boys from Home Improvement.

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Netflix, please add Home Improvement

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Errrrrrruuuuuuuuahhh?? - Tim Allen
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Old 04-12-2019, 05:31 AM   #47
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Jill: Tim, come on. Our son took a dissected frog and placed it on a lettuce leaf. (Tim laughs) It's not funny! This is serious! The principal ate it!
Tim: Well, it's a step up from those fish sticks they serve.
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Old 04-13-2019, 12:43 PM   #48
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Al Borland: [Bob Vila is about to install a light switch] Tim, are you sure you turned off the electricity?

Tim Taylor: That goes without saying, Al.

Al Borland: Well now that we've said it, have you done it?

Bob Vila: Tim, it's your show. I think you should install the switch.

Tim Taylor: Oh, you're the guest, go on, go on.

Bob Vila: Al, would you do this, please?

Al Borland: I don't think so, Bob.
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Old 04-16-2019, 05:58 AM   #49
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Tim: What do we want?
Brad: Scholarship.
Tim: How are we going to get it?
Brad: Hard work.
Tim: I can't hear you.
Brad: Hard work.
Tim: I can't hear you!
Brad: Hard work!
Tim: I can't hear you.
Brad: HARD WORK!
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:39 AM   #50
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Tim Taylor: I'll buy a garage and start a classic car shop.

Jill Taylor: You can't start a business from scratch. There's gonna be experts out there that have been doing it for years. It could take forever to turn a profit or, you know, you could just be a complete failure right out of the box.

Tim Taylor: You're gonna make a great therapist.
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Old 05-30-2019, 02:32 PM   #51
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Tim: Al, what's the first thing you do when you get up?
Al: I say to myself "Oh boy, another wonderful day of working side-by-side with Tim!"
Tim: OK, what's the second thing you do, Al?
Al: I consider calling in sick.
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Old 06-06-2019, 05:30 AM   #52
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Mark: What are we gonna make?
Jill: I'm gonna have your whole Scout troop make paper-bag masks.
Mark: Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real tepee.
Jill: She did?
Mark: Yeah, and she made us beef jerky out of raw meat.
Jill: Billy's mom is a Stepford wife. You're getting pizza and paper-bag masks.
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Old 06-06-2019, 07:42 AM   #53
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MA View Post
Tim: Al, what's the first thing you do when you get up?
Al: I say to myself "Oh boy, another wonderful day of working side-by-side with Tim!"
Tim: OK, what's the second thing you do, Al?
Al: I consider calling in sick.
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Old 06-06-2019, 04:01 PM   #54
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Tim: ...Let me do this for you.
Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I want you to understand something. Al is my assistant, he assist me.
Jill: Yeah, I know. Will he be here?
Tim: Probably, yes.
Jill[getting excited]: And I can have anything I want?
Tim: Anything you want!
Jill: Oh, what if I decide I just want you, right now?
Tim: Well, it'll be difficult without Al here to assist me!
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Old 06-12-2019, 02:21 PM   #55
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Jill: Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines?

Wilson: Without a doubt. Although, I am awfully fond of my waffle maker.

Jill: Well could you please tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to?

Wilson: Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles.
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Old 06-13-2019, 07:42 AM   #56
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Tim: I didn't bug you during childbirth.

Jill: No, but you bugged me during conception.
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Old 06-13-2019, 08:25 AM   #57
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Jill: What, do you have rocks in your head? Don't you think?

Tim: Let's talk about who doesn't think for a minute—who drove around for two days with the oil light on?

Jill: Wait—I thought you said you weren't going to bring up the oil light.

Tim: With all those rocks in my head, sometimes I don't know what I'm sayin'!
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Old 06-22-2019, 05:49 AM   #58
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Jill Taylor: I don't wanna be a nagging wife.

Tim Taylor: Then, how would I recognize you?
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Old 06-24-2019, 04:30 AM   #59
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Tim: It's a warning light; didn't it occur to you there might be a little problem?

Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.

Tim: A buzzer? It's a car, not a game show.
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Old 06-25-2019, 06:57 AM   #60
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You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.
— Eddie Phillips (Ernest Borgnine)
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