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Old 08-05-2016, 02:29 PM   #736
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Old 08-05-2016, 05:37 PM   #737
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Oy.
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Old 12-30-2016, 09:47 PM   #738
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Ha Ha! Good One!
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Old 12-31-2016, 05:06 PM   #739
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A motorist was driving through the country when he came to a fork in the road. Seeing a farmer workings in the adjacent field, he called to the farmer. "Excuse me," he said, "can you tell me which fork I should take to get to town?"

"Do you really want my advice? " the farmer said. "And trust me, I know this roads, so if I do give you advice, I hope you follow it."

"Yes, I do," said the motorist. "I was thinking I should take the left fork."

"Oh, no," said the farmer, "that's not the best way to town. I would suggest taking the right fork." He then walked away until he was out of sight.

The motorist then drove on and took the right fork. He came to a huge boulder in the road and was unable to go around it. He tried driving over it, and his rear axle broke.

The angry motorist walked back where the road diverged and found the farmer again.

"What happened to you?" the farmer asked.

"I broke the rear axle in my car!" the motorist screamed.

"Serves you right!" said the farmer. "That never would have happened if you had followed my advice!"

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Old 12-31-2016, 11:37 PM   #740
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I don't get it
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 12-31-2016, 11:40 PM   #741
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I don't get it
The motorist did take the farmer's advice but the farmer didn't know he did.
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Old 01-14-2017, 09:42 PM   #742
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Old 01-14-2017, 10:41 PM   #743
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Old 01-16-2017, 07:03 PM   #744
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"One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"
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Old 01-16-2017, 08:57 PM   #745
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A kangaroo walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the soda jerk for a hot fudge sundae. The soda jerk asks the kangaroo if he has any money. The kangaroo produces a twenty-dollar bill.

"All right then, one hot fudge sundae coming up!" the soda jerk says, taking the money.

"Don't I get any change?" the kangaroo asks.

"No," the soda jerk replies. "Our hot fudge sundaes are exactly twenty dollars."

The soda jerk makes the hot fudge sundae and gives it to the kangaroo. As the kangaroo is eating the sundae, the soda jerk says, "So, you're a kangaroo. You know, it's funny - we usually don't get kangaroos in this place."

The kangaroo looks up and replies, "No wonder, with the prices you charge!"
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Old 01-17-2017, 03:48 AM   #746
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a frog went into a bank. He hopped up to the loan officer whose name was Patty Whack & asked for a loan. Startled; she asked him if he had any collateral. He said "Yes I do" and held out a little plastic statue. She said "Just a minute" and left to ask the president. She said to him "There's a frog out there who wants a loan and he has this for collateral. And she showed him the statue. He said "Wait a minute...who's his owner?" She went back to the frog "Who owns you?" He said "Mick Jagger" She went back to the president and said "He says he belongs to Mick Jagger". He said "I thought so" and picked up the statue again. He said "It's a knick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 01-17-2017, 10:52 AM   #747
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treky
a frog went into a bank. He hopped up to the loan officer whose name was Patty Whack & asked for a loan. Startled; she asked him if he had any collateral. He said "Yes I do" and held out a little plastic statue. She said "Just a minute" and left to ask the president. She said to him "There's a frog out there who wants a loan and he has this for collateral. And she showed him the statue. He said "Wait a minute...who's his owner?" She went back to the frog "Who owns you?" He said "Mick Jagger" She went back to the president and said "He says he belongs to Mick Jagger". He said "I thought so" and picked up the statue again. He said "It's a knick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Meanwhile, McDonald's is facing accustions that their hamburgers have been made from a "Meet The Press" host, circles, and a knighted big cat. Chuck, round, and Sir Lion. Can anyone think of a bad joke even worse than that???
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Old 01-17-2017, 05:33 PM   #748
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve M.
Meanwhile, McDonald's is facing accustions that their hamburgers have been made from a "Meet The Press" host, circles, and a knighted big cat. Chuck, round, and Sir Lion. Can anyone think of a bad joke even worse than that???
I don't get it???
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 01-17-2017, 08:39 PM   #749
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treky
I don't get it???
Chuck, round, and sirloin are cuts of beef. See, I told you it was a bad joke!
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Old 01-18-2017, 01:15 AM   #750
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve M.
Chuck, round, and sirloin are cuts of beef. See, I told you it was a bad joke!
yes you did & you were right. That's AWFUL!!!
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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