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Old 05-03-2016, 08:21 PM   #721
Penny Lane
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NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND...
You cannot read these without laughing.
They're real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.
Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday..
She had the ****s. (BEST ONE)

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found itmonday. We thought it was sunday.

17.. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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Old 05-03-2016, 08:59 PM   #722
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A man goes to his psychiatrist and says to him, "Doctor, sometimes I think I'm a tepee and sometimes I think I'm a wigwam." The psychiatrist say to him, "Your problem is that you're two tents."
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Old 05-04-2016, 08:58 PM   #723
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny Lane
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND...
You cannot read these without laughing.
They're real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.
Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday..
She had the ****s. (BEST ONE)

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found itmonday. We thought it was sunday.

17.. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

I don't know which is scarier...
That these people are PARENTS
or
That they VOTE!!!!
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Old 05-05-2016, 02:07 AM   #724
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A man goes into a doctors office with a frog sticking out of his mouth. The frog says "Hey doc, can you get this guy off my ass?"
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Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 05-05-2016, 09:43 AM   #725
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A man goes to his psychiatrist and says to him, "Doctor, sometimes I think I'm present-perfect and sometimes I think I'm past-perfect." The psychiatrist say to him, "Your problem is that you're two tenses."
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Old 05-13-2016, 12:50 AM   #726
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A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."
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Old 05-13-2016, 01:01 AM   #727
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I don't get it
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Old 05-15-2016, 09:31 PM   #728
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Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.

I told them my fee: $45.

Quote:
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I don't get it
The law firm charged him for everything including speaking to the wrong person.
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Old 05-15-2016, 10:01 PM   #729
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Let's try this one. I've found it works about half the time -------


There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."
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Old 05-15-2016, 11:25 PM   #730
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opus
Let's try this one. I've found it works about half the time -------


There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Froggy says, WHAT??????


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Old 05-20-2016, 05:55 AM   #731
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The kindergarten class was learning the letters of the alphabet.

"What comes after 'T'?" the teacher asked.

Johnny quickly replied, "V."

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Old 05-20-2016, 08:42 AM   #732
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A little boy goes to a living history village and asks the tanner what he makes leather from.

"I make it from hide," the tanner says.

"What was that?" the boy asks. "I didn't hear you."

"Hide," the tanner says.

"What?" asks the boy. I didn't hear you."

The tanner shouts, "Hide! Hide! The cow's outside!"

The boy laughs. "I don't care if it is," he says. "I'm not afraid of cows."
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Old 05-24-2016, 08:05 PM   #733
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Touche!
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Old 06-05-2016, 02:14 AM   #734
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Old 06-07-2016, 07:50 PM   #735
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Quote:
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