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Old 03-12-2016, 08:49 PM   #706
Steve M.
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"Doctor, I think I'm crazy. I like boots better than shoes."
"That's perfectly normal. I myself like boots better than shoes."
"Really? How do you like them - fried, boiled, or roasted I like I do?"

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Old 03-25-2016, 02:38 PM   #707
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Old 04-01-2016, 01:35 PM   #708
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You're Not a Kid Anymore When


You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.

The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

You're proud of your lawnmower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

Your car has four doors.

You routinely check the oil in your car.

You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style TWICE.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."

You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.

You write thank you notes without being told.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

- according to Jeff Foxworthy
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Old 04-03-2016, 01:49 PM   #709
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Back some years ago, a woman had awakened after giving birth in a hospital. The doctor came in and said, “Your baby is normal in every way with one odd exception”. “What’s that, the woman asked nervously?” The doctor replied, “Your son has a solid gold screw in his navel. We have no idea why and because he seems perfectly healthy we see no reason to remove it.”

Well, the boy grew up healthy and happy and although he sometimes felt awkward when people stared at him he didn’t let it affect his life. In fact, he was extraordinarily smart and successful, and eventually became a very wealthy man. He sold his businesses and retired young, and began to travel the world. Eventually the gold screw in his navel began to bother him more and more. It didn’t hurt and didn’t really affect his life, but now that he could afford anything he began to seek out renowned doctors around the world to see if they could remove it. Time after time he was turned down.

He began to get desperate, seeking out less savory characters. One of those characters was a mysterious Middle Eastern fortune teller. She sat in a dark room with him and communed with the unknown, seemingly in a trance. When she came to, she told him that she and only she had the answer. She told him to travel to Egypt. On the night of the full moon closest to the vernal equinox he was to find the spot equidistant to the three great pyramids. He was to wait until midnight, remove all his clothing, and lie down with his head facing north. Then and only then, can he rid himself of the gold screw in his navel.

As crazy as it sounded, he had nothing to lose and certainly the money to travel there was no problem. On the night of the full moon closest to the vernal equinox, he found the appointed spot between the pyramids. At 11:55 he removed his clothing and laid down as she had instructed. At precisely midnight, clouds began to form in what was previously a cloudless sky. Then the wind began to blow. Suddenly he saw lightning and heard thunder, but no rain fell. In what were now the dense clouds directly above him, he saw an object descend from the clouds. At first he couldn’t make out what it was but as it descended faster and faster he realized that it was a gold screwdriver. He was now scared to death that it would impale him but as it got closer and closer it began to slow down. And as it reached him, sure enough the gold screwdriver fit right into the gold screw in his navel. It turned and turned and he could not believe it but the screw lifted right out of his navel. As soon as the screw was completely out of his navel a sudden whoosh and the screwdriver and screw ascended to the heavens, only to disappear in the clouds. He laid there for a few moments, as the shock wore off, and then realized what happened. He looked down at his navel, and seeing the screw finally gone he leaped to his feet. “I’m free! I’m free!” he shouted.

Then his ass fell off.
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Old 04-03-2016, 03:53 PM   #710
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What is purple and swims in the ocean? Moby Grape.
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Old 04-04-2016, 12:13 AM   #711
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve M.
I heard about a mobster whom the federal government is trying to indict. Here's something I don't get - what's the letter "C" doing in the word "indict?"

Another joke: Two Mormons walk into a bar. That's it.
I don't get them
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Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 04-04-2016, 05:59 AM   #712
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treky
I don't get them
I don't get the first joke.
The second joke answer is that Mormon's don't drink.
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Old 04-04-2016, 09:15 AM   #713
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny Lane
I don't get the first joke.
The second joke answer is that Mormon's don't drink.
The first joke is simple. What is the letter "C" doing in the word "indict" when it's pronounced "in-DITE?"
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Old 04-04-2016, 11:36 AM   #714
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve M.
The first joke is simple. What is the letter "C" doing in the word "indict" when it's pronounced "in-DITE?"

So why is that a joke? A lot of English words have "silent" letters.
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Old 04-04-2016, 01:15 PM   #715
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny Lane
So why is that a joke? A lot of English words have "silent" letters.
Dennis Miller once joked on "Saturday Night Live" about why there's a letter C in "yacht."
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Old 04-04-2016, 02:38 PM   #716
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve M.
The first joke is simple. What is the letter "C" doing in the word "indict" when it's pronounced "in-DITE?"

Probably because the two words have different meanings:

Indite- To write, compose...to dictate
Indict- To accuse of a crime or other offense; charge
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Old 04-21-2016, 05:41 AM   #717
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Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
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Old 04-21-2016, 05:42 AM   #718
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What is the color of the wind?

Blew.
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Old 04-21-2016, 05:43 AM   #719
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Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
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Old 04-21-2016, 12:20 PM   #720
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A man goes to his psychiatrist and says he feels like a fifth of the man he should be. The psychiatrist replies, "Your problem is that you're two-tenths."
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