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Old 12-08-2015, 09:38 PM   #691
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DIRECTIONS TO HEAVEN

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the
grocery store. As he waited, he was approached
by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post
Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this
street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor
in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll
show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're kidding
me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post
Office!”
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Old 12-11-2015, 04:46 AM   #692
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what's another name for a piece of fake antipasta? An im-pasta!
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 12-30-2015, 03:14 PM   #693
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I overheard NYC Sanitation employees tell this one:

What happened to the Jewish man with a hard on who walked into a wall? He broke his nose.
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Old 12-30-2015, 05:19 PM   #694
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My chiropractor told me that a few weeks ago !!!!
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Old 01-17-2016, 02:22 PM   #695
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Yup!
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Old 01-24-2016, 05:45 PM   #696
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Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the
night, celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight,
Paddy'.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around
on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'oh
bloody damn!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get
to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He
sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on
his face.

'Bi' Jesus... I'm in bloody trouble,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No bloody way....'

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, 'I can make it
to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says 'damn it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?'



'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
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Old 02-03-2016, 10:32 AM   #697
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A store for singles is a "meet" market.

They honored the French chef by giving him the quiche to the city.

Barbie's fave sports team is the Doll-fins.

I once saw a tribal chief eat an entire Websters dictionary.
We gave him castor oil for a week
but never got a word out of him.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I picked up a Magic 8-Ball the other day and it said
"Outlook not so good."
I said,
"Sure, but Microsoft still ships it."
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Old 03-05-2016, 02:11 PM   #698
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Smart Kid!
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Old 03-05-2016, 02:19 PM   #699
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The one above reminds me of this one-

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers ?


under his buckin' hat...
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Old 03-06-2016, 01:51 AM   #700
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I've heard that but I heard it this way:

a little boy dressed as a pirater for Haloween once. The first house he went to he rang the doorbell. A lady opened the door and said "Oh, a little pirate! But where are your buccaneers?"
The boy said "RIGHT UNDER MY BUCCIN HAT!"
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Old 03-06-2016, 11:50 AM   #701
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I heard about a mobster whom the federal government is trying to indict. Here's something I don't get - what's the letter "C" doing in the word "indict?"

Another joke: Two Mormons walk into a bar. That's it.
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Old 03-06-2016, 03:05 PM   #702
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Reason why I can't relax:
I stress about stress before there's even stress to stress about.
Then I stress about stressing over stress,
that doesn't need to be stressed about.
I just find it all to be so stressful!!!!!
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Old 03-06-2016, 03:11 PM   #703
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Funny Puns and One-Liners


Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Without geometry, life is pointless.
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Old 03-06-2016, 09:37 PM   #704
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foggy
Funny Puns and One-Liners


Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Without geometry, life is pointless.
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Old 03-07-2016, 03:09 AM   #705
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the little acorn grew and grew, then one day it said "GEOMATRY!"


a baby chick walked over to his nest one day and there was an orange in it. He sid "HEY! LOOK AT THE ORANGE MARMALADE!"
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