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Old 10-17-2015, 05:35 AM   #676
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treky
I don't get it
A play on words.A religious term used by some Christians."Saved by grace, once saved always saved"
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Old 10-17-2015, 10:58 AM   #677
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Prodigal Son Story Using Modern Day "F" Words


Rev. W. O. Taylor, 91, was the oldest man attending the Southern Baptist Convention a few years ago. At the annual free breakfast for retirees, Brother Taylor rose and recited his own alliterative version of the parable of the prodigal son, which he entitled "The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive":

"Feeling footloose, fancy-free, and frisky, this feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments.

"'Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier,' the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.

"Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family.

"Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. 'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors. . .'

"But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.

"But the fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile.

"His foresighted father figured, 'Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic, and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude.'"

taken from _More Holy Humor_ by Cal and Rose Samra

Copyright (c) 1997 by the Fellowship of Merry Christians, Inc.
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Old 10-28-2015, 02:04 PM   #678
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What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steam roller?

"Curses! Foil again!"
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Old 10-28-2015, 06:02 PM   #679
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny Lane
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steam roller?

"Curses! Foil again!"
And what did the Scarecrow think of that? Nothing, he doesn't have a brain.
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Old 10-29-2015, 04:37 PM   #680
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T-Shirt Slogans


"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now."

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

"Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."
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Old 10-29-2015, 04:55 PM   #681
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Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use some or all my program without charge.

Beating around the bush

Jumping to conclusions

Climbing the walls

Swallowing my pride

Passing the buck

Throwing my weight around

Dragging my heels

Pushing my luck

Making mountains out of molehills

Hitting the nail on the head

Wading through paperwork

Bending over backwards

Jumping on the bandwagon

Balancing the books

Running around in circles

Tooting my own horn

Climbing the ladder of success

Pulling out the stops

Adding fuel to the fire

Opening a can of worms

Starting the ball rolling

Going over the edge

Picking up the pieces

Putting my foot in my mouth

Eating crow


Whew!
I'm exhausted!
What a workout!
I think I'll exercise my caution now,
and just sit down.
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Old 11-03-2015, 08:27 AM   #682
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Three Things to Ponder

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments



Cows:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington?
And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

The Constitution:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

The Ten Commandments:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal,"
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie"
in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment.
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Old 11-05-2015, 01:00 PM   #683
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The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds, the bar empties with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaning over the bar.

The Devil wanders across to the old man and says,
"Do you know who I am?"

The old man takes another sip of his beer and answers,
"Yep."

The Devil stares at the old man and asks,
"Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute, shrugs, takes another sip of his beer, then says
"I married your sister 40 years ago. Why should I be scared of you?"
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Old 12-03-2015, 12:12 PM   #684
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Merry Christmas!

Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.

Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.

Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!

Q. What goes in a chimney red and white but comes out all black?
A. Santa Claus.

Q. What's white and red and goes up and down and up and down?
A. Santa Claus in an elevator!

Q. How do you scare a snowman?
A. You get a hairdryer!

Q. What do they sing under the ocean during the winter?
A. Christmas Corals!

Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!

Q. What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies?
A. Santa's burps!

Q. What do snowmen do on Christmas?
A. Play with the snow angels.

Q. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?
A. Santa walking backwards!

Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.

Q. How did the sheep say Merry Christmas?
A. "Fleece Avoided."

Q. What do you call a Santa that sleeps all the time?
A. Santa snores!

Q. Why was Santa's helper depressed?
A. He had low ELF-esteem.

Q. What's a good holiday tip?
A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night.

Q. What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A. A puddle!

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why does Santa have three gardens ?
A. So he can go HOE HOE HOE.

Q. Why did Sponge Bob have a great Christmas?
A. Because he kissed a Krabby Patty.

Q. What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
A. Comet.

Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Kringle.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
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Old 12-03-2015, 12:25 PM   #685
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Holiday Eating Tips


1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand,
martini in the other,
totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO HOO what a ride!'"
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Old 12-03-2015, 12:52 PM   #686
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A Redneck Christmas


You know you're a redneck if...

You do all of your Christmas shopping at a truck stop!

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

You save old appliances for Christmas presents.

You shop for gifts at garage sales.

You're serving your turkey on an old hubcap.

You shoot a turkey the day before Christmas.

All your silverware is plastic.

You're splurging on the HUNGRY MAN turkey TV dinners.

Thank you, Jeff Foxworthy!
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Old 12-03-2015, 01:15 PM   #687
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Fractured Christmas Carols


No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.
Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:


* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
* We three kings of porridge and tar
* On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
* Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
* He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
* Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
* With the jelly toast proclaim
* Olive, the other reindeer.
* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
* Sleep in heavenly peas
* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
* You'll go down in Listerine
* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
* Come, froggy faithful
* You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
* Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
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Old 12-06-2015, 04:30 AM   #688
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did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from prison?

Now he's a "small medium at large".
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the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 12-06-2015, 04:35 AM   #689
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"Boy, these taxes are really high!"

"Oh, that's where my brother-in-law lives!"

"Where?"

"In Texas".

"No, no, no; I'm talking about taxes-dollars!"

"Yea, that's where he lives; Dallas, Texas".
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Old 12-06-2015, 04:38 AM   #690
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pilot-"Wanna fly?"

teenager-"SURE!!"

pilot-"Wait a minute, I'll catch one for you."
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