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Old 01-06-2007, 05:10 AM   #136
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sofa king wee todd id
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Old 01-06-2007, 05:19 AM   #137
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sofa king wee todd id
I'm sofa king we todd did.
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Old 01-06-2007, 10:09 PM   #138
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what do you call the white stuff in a girls panties? clitty litter

That's sick!
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Old 01-06-2007, 10:16 PM   #139
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Exclamation The Actor Whose Father Never Saw His Performances

An well-known stage actor has never been able to get his own father to see any of his plays. His father thinks he's always jiving and kidding him about being in the play.

How did this happen? When the actor was just starting out in the theater, he told his father he'd be in a major Broadway production. The problem was, the actor played Joseph King, a walk-on character with no lines. If you blinked, you missed Joseph's appearance. Sure enough, his father went to see the play and couldn't find his son onstage.

When he called his son the next day, he delcared that he hadn't seen him perform and he wanted to know which part he was supposed to have played.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Dad," the actor answered. "I was only Joe King."

So. . . .
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Old 01-06-2007, 11:52 PM   #140
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Steve M...... huh???
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Old 01-07-2007, 12:23 AM   #141
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Steve M...... huh???
It's a pun. . . "I was only joking."
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Old 01-10-2007, 08:40 PM   #142
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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No. That won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is!"
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Old 01-10-2007, 08:53 PM   #143
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An aspiring songwriter gets an appointment with a an A&R man at a record company. He has two demos to play for the record company executive in the hope of getting a job as a composer for various singers. The record comapny man doesn't have time to play them right away. "Tell you what," he tells the songwriter. "I'm going to my farm in upstate New York for the weekend, and I'll listen to your demos there. I'll have you back in on Monday mroning, and I'll tell you what I think."

"Okay," says the songwrtiter, I'll see you then."

Monday morning comes, and the songwriter is back in the record company man's office. "Well," the record company man says to the songwriter, " I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?" the songwriter asks.
"Cher and Sting loved your demos," the record company man says. "They just ate them up."

The songwriter is ecstatic. "That's terrific!" He pauses. "What's the bad news?"

The record company man says, "Cher and Sting are the names of my goats."

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Old 01-11-2007, 05:58 PM   #144
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a baby chick walked over to his mothers nest one day; and there was an orange in it. He said "Oh! Look at the orange marmalade"!
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Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
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Old 01-12-2007, 04:14 AM   #145
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4 men are the only people in a plane that's run out of fuel; and is going down.
The 4 are: a southener, a texan, a mexican, and a frenchman.
They decide to jump, rather than go down with the plane. They draw straws to see who will go first. The frenchman loses. So, he stands at the open doorway and shouts "VIVA LA FRANCE"!! and jumps out. The southener is next, he stands in the doorway and shouts "REMEMBER THE SOUTH"!! and jumps out. The texan is next, he stands in the doorway and shouts "REMEMBER THE ALAMO"!! then pushes the mexican out.
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Old 01-13-2007, 12:41 AM   #146
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a couple is staying overnight at another couples house. When everyone's going to bed, the hostess asks them "By the way; do you mind making your own bed"? The couple says "No, not at all". So the hostess says "Good, here's a hammer and saw; you'll find the wood and nails in the room. Try not to make too much noise. Goodnight"!
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Old 01-13-2007, 03:14 PM   #147
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A family of storks is talking about what they did that day.

Father Stork says, "I delivered a baby boy."

Mother Stork says, "I delivered a baby girl."

Junior Stork says, "I don't what the baby I delivered was, but I sure scared the hell out of those two teenagers."
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Old 01-15-2007, 02:17 AM   #148
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Arrow Farm Girl Birth Control

Farm Girl Birth Control

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "the rhythm method." "That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is.. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."
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Old 01-18-2007, 11:07 PM   #149
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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi ... you know, I just hate drawing welfare......I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is just excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary will be $300,000 per year."

The guy, wide eyed, says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."
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Old 01-19-2007, 12:29 PM   #150
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Paris Hilton is riding through the country when her chauffeur sees a dog run out a farm onto the road. He steps on the brake, but he hits the dog. Getting out and looking at the dog, he can tell it's a female. The chauffeur tries to administer to her, but the dog is already dead. He tells Paris Hilton.

"Oh, crumb buns!" says Paris Hilton. "You'd better go up to the farmhouse and tell the farmer and his family, like, what happened."

The chauffeur goes to the house and knocks on the door. "Can I come in? I have something to tell you," he says to the farmer.

He goes in, and Paris Hilton ends up waiting in the car for three whole hours before her chauffeur returns. "What, like, took you so long?" she asks.

"I told the farmer and his family what happened," the chauffeur says. "The farmer hugged me and gave me some of his land. His wife cooked a big dinner for me, and their daughter wanted me to marry her. We just got engaged."

"Wow," Paris Hilton says, "even though you ran over their dog? What did you say to them?"

"All I said," the chauffeur replied, "was, 'I'm Paris Hilton's driver, and I just killed the bitch.'"


Last edited by Steve M.; 01-22-2007 at 11:14 AM.
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