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Old 11-14-2004, 11:56 PM   #1
stratman
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Default 'Crane+Car=Catastrophe'

Have a read.

Tell me what you think.
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Old 11-15-2004, 07:39 PM   #2
Chambers
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Default

I copied and pasted. Still have to read it, though.

Quote:

Frasier

ĎCrane + Car = Catastropheí

Written By

James Allsopp







Scene A
Fade in:
Int. Cafť Nervosa Ė day - day/1
Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz

Frasier, Niles and Daphne are having coffee. Roz enters.

Roz
Hey, guys.

As they adlib helloís a waiter arrives.

Roz (Contíd)
Lattť, to go, thanks. (Then) Frasier, what are your plans for next Saturday?
Frasier
My guess is nothing interesting. Why do you ask?
Roz
Well, an old friend of mine just moved here from Wisconsin and I thought that you could maybe, you know, show her around.
Frasier
Show her around or ĎShow her aroundí?
Roz
Címon, I know you two would hit it off. She loves your type. When the two of us worked together back in Wisconsin she dated guys like you all the time. Címon, it wouldnít even be a real date. Just show her the sites and see what comes of it.
Niles
Donít forget to show her that streetlight on the corner of 6th and Boulevard.

Roz gives Niles an evil stare.

Frasier
Itís awfully nice of you to try and set your friend up with me but I think Iím going to have to pass.
Roz
Actually, I was setting you up with her.
Frasier (Sarcastically)
Thanks for the ego boost.
Roz
I just thought that you could use the company. It has been quite a while since your lastÖ encounter.
Frasier
Thanks, but no thanks.
Roz
Ok, suit your self.

The waiter returns with Rozís coffee.

Roz (Contíd)
Well, Iíve got to run. Bye, guys.

Roz exits.

Daphne
So, when does Freddy arrive?
Frasier
The plane should arrive at six pm, which leaves us just enough time to have dinner at one of Seattleís fine fast food outlets, god help me, then itís off to the big rock concert.
Niles
Iím surprised that you even want to go to a rock concert.
Daphne
Iím even more surprised that heís letting you go with him. You know how teenagers can be.
Frasier
Youíre right. He didnít want me to go. Apparently Iím not cool enough. But in the end he relented.
Niles (Jokingly)
What did you do, bribe him with money?
Frasier
Yes and no, actually. Remember I told you that Freddy is going for his driverís license next month? Well, he asked me if I would take him for a few lessons and I said I wouldnít take him unless he agreed to go to the rock concert with me.
Daphne
You know, I canít really picture you at a rock concert. I mean can you imagine it; you dressed head to toe in black leather, long hair, tattoos.

Daphne laughs at this.

Frasier
Only in my worst nightmare.
Niles (Checks watch)
Well, Iíve got to run. I have a patient.
Daphne
Donít forget we have that appointment with Doctor Vaughn today.
Frasier
Oh, Doctor Vaughn. Heís supposed to be fantastic.
Daphne (Dryly)
Apparently heís the best.
Niles
Was that today? Is there any chance that you could cancel the appointment? I have some last minute sessions booked.
Daphne (Getting angry)
No, I canít cancel. You have to book with Dr Lee two weeks in advance. You made the appointment, remember!
Niles
Okay, calm down. Iíll cancel the sessions. Bye Frasier. Darling.

Niles kisses Daphne, then exits.

Frasier
So, how is the pregnancy treating you?
Daphne
Everything seems to be going fine, apart from the morning sickness and the mood swings. This morning Niles asked we what I wanted on my toast and I said Ďit didnít matterí, then he said Ďare you sure because if you just tell me what you wantí and I just lost it and yelled ĎI donít careí. Little things like that have been setting me off all week.
Frasier
Ah, that takes me back. Lilith was completely insufferable during her pregnancy, but I persevered, because I knew that it would eventually pass. (Then) Boy, was I wrong.
Daphne
I knew being pregnant was going to be tough. I just didnít expect it to be such an emotional roller coaster ride.
Frasier
I know itís tough, but when you hold that little miracle in your arms for the first time, youíll know it was worth it. And until that time, you wonít know how much love you are actually capable of. Suddenly itís no longer about what you want or need. Your whole life revolves around this tiny little thing. Having a child is going to change your whole life.
Daphne
I just hope Iím up to the job. Motherhood is a huge responsibility.
Frasier
Iím sure that you are going to be a wonderful mother, Daphne. Youíre the most caring, nurturing, loving person I know. And surely you learnt a thing or two after living in a household with eight boys?
Daphne
Thatís why I want a girl.
Frasier
Have you decided as to whether or not youíre going to find out the sex of the baby?
Daphne
Niles and I both think we should wait until the actual birth. You know, do it the way god intended.
Frasier
Yes, Iíd have to agree. Not knowing really adds excitement.
Daphne
You know, Iíve heard that some mothers actually think they can tell what the sex of their baby is going to be based solely on how hard the baby kicks.
Frasier
Well, I wouldnít take that test to seriously, Daphne. We Crane boys have never been know for our kicking ability.

As we:
Fade out

Scene B
Fade in:
Int. Radio Studio - Later that Day - Day/1
Frasier, Roz, Geraldine (v.o.)

Frasier is on the air.

Frasier
ÖAnd although the voices you hear are telling you to kill, please bear in mind that you do work in a slaughterhouse. Thank you for your call. Who else do we have on the line, Roz?
Roz
We have Geraldine on line four. Sheís having trouble breaking it off with her boyfriend.
Frasier
Hello, Geraldine. Iím listening.
Geraldine (v.o.)
Hi, Dr. Crane. My problem is that I want to break it off with my boyfriend, but I donít want to hurt his feelings. Heís a great guy and all but Iím just not ready for a commitment right now. What do you think I should do?
Frasier
Well Geraldine, I think the best thing you can do is to be honest with him. Just tell him how you feel. Say Roz, youíre the expert. What advice can you give to Geraldine?

Roz rolls her eyes.

Roz
Iíd have to agree with Dr. Crane on this one, Geraldine. Youíre better off being honest with him. How long have you been seeing this guy for anyway?
Geraldine (v.o.)
About 4 months.
Roz
Well, I think youíre better off ending the relationship now rather than later.
Geraldine (v.o.)
I guess youíre right. 3 months isnít that long anyway.
Frasier (Looks at Roz)
You would think so, wouldnít you?

Roz signals that it is time to wrap it up.

Frasier
Well listeners, thatís all the time we have for today. This is Dr Frasier Crane KACL 780-talk radio signing off.

Roz enters the booth.

Roz
When Geraldine said that 3 months isnít that long to be in a relationship and you said ĎYou would think so, wouldnít youí, were you referring to my inability to stay in a relationship or your inability to even have a relationship?

Frasier ignores her and begins packing his briefcase.

Roz
So, how long is Freddy in town for?
Frasier
Just for the week.
Roz
So, I suppose you have a ton of things planned.
Frasier
As a matter of fact, yes I do. Iím taking Freddy to the new art exhibit tomorrow. And on Monday Iím taking him to see a play on the life and times of Tennessee Williams.
Roz (Wryly)
So, do you have anything fun planned?
Frasier (Dryly)
Yes, Roz. Iím taking him to the rock concert tonight, and tomorrow Iím giving him driving lessons.
Roz (Surprised)
Youíre taking Freddy driving?
Frasier
You seem surprised.
Roz
Well, I thought youíd be the kind of guy that would just send their kid to a driving school.
Frasier
Frederick is actually a student at Bostonís premiere driving academy. Heís preparing for his driving exam and I agreed to take him for a few practice drives before the test. Heís actually turning sixteen next month.
Roz
No kidding. I canít believe that Freddy is actually turning sixteen.
Frasier (Sadly)
Yes, Iím finding it hard to believe myself. It seems like only yesterday when I bought him his first Mind Meld Kit. And I never thought Iíd see the day when the two of us would be going to a rock concert together.
Roz
Neither did I. You always reminded me of the father of one of my old girl friends. He was very religious and rock music was forbidden, which meant that my friend was never allowed to go to the concerts. My friend always managed to find a way out of the house but if he knew some of the other things that my friend and I used to do, rock music would have been the last thing on his mind.
Frasier
I can only imagine as to what and god forbid, whom you did, but I can honestly say that I donít want to know.
Roz
See, you even sound like him. Aside from the fact that he occasionally got lucky, the two of you are dead ringers.

Frasier and Roz exit the booth.

Roz (Contíd)
Can I ask you a question, Frasier?
Frasier
Sure, Roz.
Roz
Why are you going to this rock concert tonight?
Frasier
ĎWhyí?
Roz
Well, you know, Ďyou, at a rock concertí.
Frasier
Why does everybody think itís weird that Iím going to a rock concert?
Roz
Because it is weird. Címon, you can tell me.
Frasier
Well, I just though it would be a good chance for the two of us to bond. The two of us havenít really been spending enough time together lately. Itís no big deal. (Then) And itíll give me a chance to show Freddy just how cool his old man can be.
Roz
Did you say cool or cruel?
Frasier
Very funny, Roz.
Roz
Yeah well, when I was Freddyís age youíd never see me at a rock concert with my dad.
Frasier
If the dress you wore to that KACL fundraiser last week is any indication, I think itís fair to say that you would see everything else though.
Roz
I was trying to get David from promotions attention and now we have a date this Thursday. Just because you canít get a date, donít take your frustration out on me. How long has it been anyway?
Frasier
Not that itís any of your business but if you must know, I havenít been with a woman for six months.
Roz (Laughs)
Is that all?
Frasier
What do you mean, Ďis that allí?
Roz
Well, I thought you wouldíve been used to the whole Ďaloneí thing by now. Remember the time you went a whole year.
Frasier
Donít remind me. (Checks watch) Well, Iíve got to run.
Roz
Ok, have a nice weekend.
Frasier
You too.

As we:
Fade out

A temper that could boil a sausage
Scene C

Fade in:
Int. Nilesí Kitchen Ė Evening - Day/1
Daphne, Niles

Daphne is busy preparing dinner. There are two pots on the stove. We also see cooking utensils, various ingredients, a butcherís knife and a small plate. She stirs one pot, sprinkles some ingredients into another and then crosses to the refrigerator and takes out a bowl. She moves back to the stove, places the bowl on the counter and then continues to stir the first pot. She hums a cheery tune as she works. As Daphne reaches for the bowl she accidentally knocks over the small plate.

SFX: Porcelain breaking

Daphne
Whoops.

She begins to clean the mess.

SFX: The doorbell rings

Daphne (Annoyed)
Not now!

Cut to:

Int. Nilesí living room - Continuous

Daphne crosses the room to answer the door.

SFX: The phone rings.

Daphne (More annoyed)
Youíve got to be kidding me!

Daphne answers the phone and continues towards the door.

Daphne (Into phone)(Calmly)
Hello?

SFX: The doorbell rings three more times

Daphne (Into Phone)
Could you please hold for a moment?

She covers the mouthpiece.

Daphne (Loudly)(Angry)
Iím coming! Iím bloody well coming!
Daphne (Into phone) (Calmly)
Hello? Niles? No, heís not home at the moment. Can I take a message? Iíll have him call you as soon as he gets in. Ok, bye.

Daphne finally answers the door.

Daphne (Exasperated)
Niles!
Niles
Sorry, hun. I forgot my keys.
Daphne (No tolerance)
A Mr Thomas called. He wants you to call him back as soon as possible.

She hands the phone to Niles and then crosses back to the kitchen.

Reset to:

Int. Nilesís kitchen - continuous

Daphne cleans the mess and then continues to prepare dinner. Niles enters.

Niles
Whatís for dinner?
Daphne
Lamb stew.
Niles (Feinís enthusiasm)
Lamb stew. OhÖ goody.

Daphne gives Niles a dirty look.

Niles
Did Mr Thomas say why he called?
Daphne
No. He just said to call him back.

Daphne stirs both pots and after a moment, turns around and heads towards the fridge. Niles, who is now rummaging through a cupboard, takes a step back as Daphne is crossing the room to the fridge.
Niles
Oops. Sorry Dear.

As Daphne searches for an item in the fridge, Niles takes a closer look at the lamb stew. He peers inside the pot, takes a whiff and wrinkles his nose in disgust. Daphne takes a jar from the fridge and starts back towards the stove.

Daphne (Sighs)
Niles.
Niles
Yes?
Daphne (Annoyed)
Youíre in the way.
Niles
Oh, sorry.

As Niles moves out of the way, Daphne shakes her head. Niles opens another cupboard and begins rummaging. As Niles rummages through the cupboard he gets noisier and noisier. Daphne has now reached the end of her tether.

Daphne (Angry)
Niles, would you please cut that out!
Niles
Is something wrong?
Daphne (Calmly)
No, everything is fine.
Niles
Are you sure, because you donít seem very happy?
Daphne
Do I always have to be happy?
Niles
If thereís something wrong, just tell me.
Daphne
Thereís nothing wrong. Now if you donít mind, I think Iíd rather be alone.
Niles (Giving in)
Okay. But before I goÖ

Niles picks up the butcher knife next to Daphneís hand and places it back in its holder. (You can never be too careful).

Niles exits.

Cut to:

Int. Nilesí living room - continuous

Daphne (O.S.) (Loudly)
Oh, damn!
Niles
If there werenít actual food in there, Iíd swear I just talked to Maris.

As we:
Fade out

KeysÖ Check, SeatbeltÖ Check. WillÖ Check.
Scene D

Fade in:
Int. Frasiers apartment Ė day Ė Day/2
Martin, Niles, Daphne, Frederick

Niles and Daphne sit at the couch while Martin sits in his chair. Frasier enters.

Frasier
Hello all.
Daphne
Did you have a good time at the concert?
Frasier
I might have enjoyed it more had it not been so loud. In the end I had to resort to sticking tissues in my ears. It was all I could do to stop my eardrums from bursting.
Niles
From what Freddy tells us he could have used some of those tissues to contain those pesky high altitude nosebleeds.
Frasier
Granted, the seats werenít that good, but when the lady at the box office asked if I preferred seating or standing, I naturally assumed that seating would be preferential.
Niles
Címon, Frasier. Even I knew that.

Frederick enters.

Frederick
Are your ears feeling better yet?
Frasier
They are much better thank you, Freddy. Once again, Iím sorry I wasnít able to get better seats. (Then) Although I think we were probably better off sitting down. I doubt that you would have seen very much in the standing area.
Frederick
Itís called a mosh-pit, Dad. Donít you know anything?
Frasier (Annoyed)
Apparently not!
Daphne
I never liked being in the mosh-pit. My friends would always insist on it, because weíd be closer to the band. But if you ask me, itís not worth it. I mean, you have to stand in the same place for hours on end and then when the band does start you get pushed and shoved and usually all you can see is heads anyway. Not to mention the groping. You feel like a farm animal in a cage, just waiting to be slaughtered.
Frasier
Well, it certainly smelled that way. I mean, donít teenagers bathe anymore. If you ask me it should be called the Ďnever-wash pití.
Frederick
Well, Iím outta hear Dad.
Frasier
What. Where are you going?
Frederick
The Movies. Todayís my last chance to see Spiderman Two.
Frasier
But I thought we were going to the art museum today.
Frederick
Címon, Dad. We have all week to see the art museum. If I donít see Spiderman two today Iíll be the only kid in school who hasnít seen it.
Frasier
If this film is so important, why didnít you see it earlier?
Frederick
Mom wouldnít let me go.
Daphne
Because of all the violence?
Frederick
No. Mom finds the idea of someone gaining super powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider to be ludicrous.
Frasier
And just what makes you think that I want you to see this film?
Frederick
Dad!
Daphne
Oh, címon, Frasier. Donít be such a party pooper.
Frasier (Giving in)
Oh, okay. Go and see your precious movie.
Frederick
Cool. Ok, Iíll catchaís all later.

Frederick exits. A dejected Frasier crosses the room and slumps on the couch.

Frasier
Itís only been one day, and heís already blowing me off.
Martin
Thatís just what teenagers do. You and Niles were the same. Iíd have something planned and at the last minute youíd bail out.
Niles
Yes, but what do you expect when you ask us to football matches and demolition derbyís.
Martin
Speaking of demolition derbyís. When do you plan to take Freddy driving?
Frasier
Well, I had planned to take him after the art museum, but since Frederick went to the movies, I suppose weíll go after he gets back.
Martin
You know, Fras. I remember the first time I took you driving.

Martin laughs.

Martin (Contíd)
You donít forget a day like that.

Martin laughs again.

Niles
If I remember correctly, didnít you somehow managed to fail the driving test twice?
Martin (Laughs)
Actually Niles, he failed the test three times. Frasier was so embarrassed he made me promise not to tell you what really happened.

Niles laughs.

Frasier
Thanks, Dad.
Martin
Donít you laugh, Niles. You were even worse than Frasier. How you hit that shopping cart, Iíll never know. (Then) Now that was a demolition derby.
Frasier (Grinning)
Interesting.
Niles
Thanks, Dad.
Martin
Just thought Iíd even the score.
Daphne
You never told me you hit a shopping cart.
Niles
Um, wellÖ

SFX: The oven timer rings

Niles
Saved by the bell.

Daphne exits to the kitchen.

Frasier
So, you hit a shopping cart did you? How in godís name did you hit a shopping cart? I guess that explains why the car was Ďat the shopí for a week.
Niles
At least I didnít fail my driving exam three times.
Martin
Címon, you two. Do you have to fight over who the worst driver was?
Frasier
Yes, I suppose you right, dad.
Martin
Of course Iím right, because you were both as bad as each other. I never once trusted you two with my car. I kept expecting a late night phone call telling me that one of you had crashed the car.
Niles
Dad, we never trusted your car. It didnít even have electric windows. And the less said about that god-awful upholstery the better. (Then) And if we were so bad, why didnít you just send us to a driving school?

Daphne returns with a tray and two cups.

Martin
Why pay someone thirty bucks an hour when you can do it yourself.

Niles takes a sip of his coffee.

Niles
Um, you forgot to put sugar in this, hun.
Daphne (Annoyed)
Oh, bleedin Hell!

Daphne stands up.

Daphne (Contíd) (Re: cup)
Give it here. Iíll put some sugar in it for you.
Niles
Itís ok, Daphne. Iíll get it
Daphne
No, no. I made the mistake I should fix it.

Niles gives in and hands back the cup. Daphne then crosses to the kitchen.

Daphne
Bloody hell, I canít get anything right!
Martin (Baffled)
What was all that about?
Niles
Mood swings. Dr Vaughn says that they will eventually pass. I tell you, the man is a genius. Heís worth every penny.
Frasier
Yes, Roz said that he was a terrific help during her pregnancy.
Niles
Roz used Dr Vaughn?
Frasier
Yes, In fact it was my recommendation that sealed the deal.
Niles
So, did you recommend her to him or him to her?

As we:
Fade out

End of Act 1

Brake! Brake!! Brake!!!
Scene E

Fade in:
Int. Frasiers apartment - Later that day - day/2
Martin, Frasier, Frederick

Martin is sitting in his chair watching TV. Frasier and Frederick enter.

Martin
How did the driving go?
Frasier
Everything was going fine until theÖ mishap.
Martin (Switches of TV)
What mishap?
Frasier
We had a small, very small accident.
Martin (Nervously)
What! How small?
Frasier
Very small. Thereís only a very small dent.
Frederick
I was practicing my parking and I accidentally pressed the accelerator instead of the brake.
Frasier
Which sent us directly into a brick wall. Thankfully, we were only traveling at a very low speed.
Frederick
I still canít believe I crashed your car, Dad. Iíve never even came close too having any kind of accident before today.
Martin
I wouldnít be too hard on yourself, Freddy. When I was first taking your uncle Niles driving he actually hit a shopping cart. And your Dad wasnít much better either.
Frederick
He did?
Martin
Yeah. I donít know how, but he did.
Frederick
He told me that it was Dad that hit a shopping cart.
Frasier
He did? That lying bastard!
Frederick
So it wasnít Dad that hit a shopping cart?
Martin
No. (Then) But he did almost hit a stop sign.
Frasier (Irritated)
I was nowhere near that stop sign, Dad.
Martin
I wouldnít let it worry you, Freddy. These things happen. Iím sure youíll pass the test with flying colors.

Frasier begins browsing through a phone book.

Frasier
Well, I suppose I should call a body shop?
Martin
Youíre going to call them now?
Frasier
Is there any reason why I shouldnít?
Martin
Itís five oíclock on a Saturday afternoon. What do you think they have, round the clock service or something?

SFX: The phone rings

Frederick
Iíll get it.

Frederick crosses the room to answer it.

Frederick (Into phone) (Exiting)
Hi, Mom. Yeah, they were sick. The seats werenít that good, but it was still awesome.

Frederick exits.

Martin
I told you driving school was a waste of money.
Frasier
Dad, to you everything is a waste of money. (Then) What about that hand lotion I bought you last week.
Martin
Waste of money. (Then) And sissy too.
Frasier
Well, what about the cough medicine I bought last month. You canít say thatís a waste of money, can you?
Martin
Yes I can. I can get it three buckís cheaper at Danís drug store.
Frasier
Anyway, I still think the driving school was a wise investment. Freddy was doing just fine up until then. I just hope it hasnít shattered his confidence.
Martin
Im sure heíll be fine. Teenagers have a certain confidence. An ĎIím godí attitude, if you will.
Frasier
You think so?
Martin
Yes, but it will passes. (Looks at Frasier) Well, except in very rare cases.

Frederick re-enters the living room.

Frederick (Into phone)
Yes, Mom. Ok. Yes, I will. WellÖ I suppose I could.

Frederick taps the mouthpiece with a pen. Frasier and Martin are oblivious to Freddyís little scam.

Frederick (Into phone) (Contíd)
Hold on, Mom. I have another call.

Frederick covers the mouthpiece and waits for a few moments.

Frederick (Into Phone) (Contíd)
Sorry Mom, I have to go. Thereís someone on the other line waiting to talk to Dad. Ok. Bye.

Frederick hangs up the phone.

Frasier
What about the other call?
Frederick
There was no other call. I just wanted Mom to stop talking.

As we:
Fade out

Scene F

Fade in:
Int. Frasiers apartment Ė Night - Day/2
Martin, Eddie, Daphne, Niles

Martin is sitting in his chair watching TV while Eddie lies asleep on Martinís lap.

SFX: The Doorbell Rings

Martin crosses the room to answer it.

Martin
Hi, Daph.
Daphne
Hello.
Martin
Whereís Niles?
Daphne
Oh, heíll be up in a minute. Heís talking to Frasier in the lobby.
Martin
So, I guess you heard what happened?
Daphne
Yes, the poor thing. He must feel completely humiliated. What did Lilith say?
Martin
Nothing positive, Iíll bet.
Daphne
Knowing Lilith, Freddy probably wonít ever be allowed to drive again. She can be very protective. (Then) Do you think Iíll ever be like that?
Martin
Like what?
Daphne
Do you think Iíll ever be as protective as Lilith?
Martin
All parents are protective of their children, Daphne. Some just worry more than others.
Daphne
Did you ever worry?
Martin
Well, yeah, sorta. But we never really had much to worry about because, well, you knowÖ
Daphne
My Mum was always a bit of a worrier. She would always ask me questions like Ďwhere are you goingí and Ďwhat time will you be backí. She didnít seem to worry about the boys much though. They would all be out drinking all night and getting into fights. One night brother Gerald came home and his hand was covered in blood. All Mum said was Ďdonít come inside, youíll get blood all over me new carpet!í They could do what ever they wanted just as long as they didnít make a mess.

Martin resumes his customary position on the Barcalounger as Daphne takes a seat on the couch.
Martin
Niles tells me you had an appointment with Doctor Vaughn yesterday. How did it go?
Daphne
Well, physically everything is fine butÖ
Martin
But?
Daphne
Well, itís just that I havenít been much fun to be around these past few weeks. Everything and anything has been setting me off and Iím afraid that Iíve been using Niles as my own personal punching bag.
Martin
Iím sure Niles understands. Nobody ever said being pregnant was easy.
Daphne
It certainly isnít.

Martin reaches into his breast pocket and fishes out a photograph.

Martin
Take a look at this.

Daphne takes in the photograph.

Martin (Contíd)
Itís Niles. That picture was taken just after he was born
Daphne
Wow, heís tiny.
Martin
Yeah, I thought youíd get a kick out of that. Thatís what itís all for. The morning sickness, the mood swings, the weight gain. Creating new life isnít easy, but the rewards outweigh the hardship ten to one.

Martin takes a look at the photograph.

Martin (Contíd)
He really was tiny, wasnít he? I can still remember exactly how much he weighedÖ

There is a brief pause.

Martin (Contíd)
Or not. But I do remember that he shot out like a rocket. I can actually remember Hester saying that she wished Frasier was that easy.
Daphne
Was Frasier a big baby?
Martin
Nah. Frasier had an unusually large head.
Daphne
Literally or figuratively?

They both laugh.

SFX: The doorbell rings

Daphne
Thatíll be Niles.

She hands the photograph back to Martin and then crosses the room to answer the door.

Niles (As he enters)
Hi, Dad. Are you ready to go? The reservation is for eight thirty.
Martin
Hold on. Just let me get my wallet.

Martin exits to his room.

Niles (Checks watch)
I think I might use the bathroom before we go. Sources tell me that the Le Cigare Volant have switched to an inferior brand of toilet paper. Youíd expect this kind of thing from Dennyís or McDonalds, not a classy four-star restaurant.
Daphne
Before you go, thereís something I wanted to talk to you about.
Niles
What is it?
Daphne
Well, I just wanted to apologize for the way Iíve been acting these last few weeks. Itís just that itís been a rough couple of weeks. Iíve been taking my frustration out on you and I just wanted to say that Iím sorry.
Niles
Daphne, thereís no need to apologize. Being pregnant isnít supposed to be easy.
Daphne
Itís just that youíve tried so hard to make things as easy as possible for me and all Iíve done is condemn you for it.
Niles
You donít have to explain. (Then) If I were the one carrying the child Iím sure Iíd be the same.
Daphne
Yeah, youíve got that right. You donít even like carrying your own bags.
Niles
If I wanted to carry my own bags I would have gone to a community college with all the Larryís and the Bobís.

Niles crosses the room and enters the toilet. Martin re-enters.

Martin
Okay, ready when you are.
Daphne
Niles just had to make a quick toilet stop. Heíll be out in a minute.

Daphne takes one more look at the photograph.

Daphne
Itís hard to believe that something so tiny and so delicate could actually become a full-grown man.
Niles (O.S.) (Girly Scream)
Oh my God!

Niles exits the bathroom hastily.

Niles (Contíd)
Dad, thereís a giant spider in the bathroom!
Martin
Well then, get rid of it.
Niles
And just how do suppose I do that.
Martin
How do you think? Kill the damn thing!
Niles
Kill it?!
Daphne (irritated)
Oh, for heavens sake!

Daphne crosses the room and peaks inside the bathroom.

Daphne
Niles, give me your shoe.
Niles
What for?
Daphne
So I can squash it!
Niles
Absolutely not! These are brand new Bruno Maglis.
Daphne
Oh, for Peteís sake!

Daphne enters the bathroom.

SFX: We hear two loud bangs

Daphne exits the bathroom.

Daphne (Matter of Factly)
Problem solved.

Daphne crosses to the kitchen.

Martin (As he rises)
You know, when you have that baby people are going to have a hard time telling which one the mother is.

Daphne exits the kitchen with a dustpan and broom. She crosses the room and then enters the bathroom.

Daphne
Eddie! No, donít eat that! Bad dog! Oh wellÖ

Daphne and Eddie exit the bathroom.

Martin
You must be real hungry, huh boy?
Niles
Iím surprised Eddie didnít wash that spider down with a refreshing sip from the toilet.
Martin (To Eddie)
Donít worry, boy. Weíll bring yaí back something.
Niles
Oh, be reasonable, Dad. The Le Cigare Volant will never be able to satisfy Eddieís educated palate.

They exit, as we:
Fade out

Scene G
Fade in:
Int. Cafť Nervosa Ė Day - Day/1
Niles, Frasier

Frasier enters.

Niles
Hey, Frasier.
Frasier
Oh, hi Niles. (To waiter) Decaf calf thanks.
Niles
Howís the car?
Frasier
Oh, itís fine. They said the scratch should come right out. It actually worked out quite well too because when I was at the body shop I happened to meet a very attractive woman.
Niles
Oh, really?
Frasier
Yes, we have a date tomorrow night.
Niles
So, Iíll assume the droughts over?
Frasier
Well, I wouldnít say that the monsoons are coming.
Niles
But clouds are forming?
Frasier (Sarcastically)
And now back to you in the newsroom, Steve.

The waiter returns with Frasiers coffee.

Niles
Well, Iím happy for you, Frasier. Itís been quite a while since you had your tree trimmed. I know that your lack of a sex life has been getting you down lately.
Frasier
The story of my life.
Niles
So, where is Freddy?
Frasier
He went to the mall with one of his friends from Boston who just happened to be in town. Freddyís been here three days and weíve spent almost no time together. This week was supposed to be about the two of us spending time together but whenever I suggest an activity he just blows me off. No matter how hard I try, Freddy would still rather elsewhere. What more can I do?
Niles
Thereís nothing you can do. Frederick is just at that age where spending time with his father is the last thing on his mind. Like Dad said, we were the same. (Then) But when your father has mutton chop sideburns and wears a polka dot bow tie I think the blame is fifty-fifty.
Frasier
Itís just hard, thatís all. One minute youíre their whole life and the next thing you know their out the door with lives of their own.
Niles
I know and if you want my advice, I donít think that you are doing yourself any favors by thinking about all the times you werenít there. You should be focusing on all the good times the two of you did have together.
Frasier
Yes, I suppose your right. Thanks for the advice. It really helps.
Niles
Itís my pleasure.

After a moment Frasier laughs to himself.

Niles
Whatís so funny?
Frasier
Oh, I was just thinking about something that happened at the rock concert.
Niles
I still canít believe that you actually went to a rock concert. That must have been quite a place.
Frasier
Oh, it certainly was. Do you remember last week when that large man with the tattooís walked into the cafť?
Niles
When I saw that skull tattoo I think I actually uttered the phrase, holy smokes.
Frasier
He was nothing compared to what I saw at that rock concert.
Niles
I canít even picture the horrifying image you just painted. Itís amazing what a Father will do to be closer to his son.
Frasier (reflectively)
I tell you Niles, youíre in for one hell of a ride. In just seven monthís youíll be embarking on one of lifeís great adventures.
Niles
Can you believe it? In seven months Iím going to have a baby, well actually, Daphneís the one thatís having the baby. I was just involved in the fun part.
Frasier
Make the most of it, because once the baby comes there wonít be any of that going on.
Niles
Youíre forgetting that I did live with Maris for fifteen years. Sex for me was like trying to find water in the desert.
Frasier
Donít you mean iceberg?

They both laugh.

Frasier
Just promise me you wonít take your child for granted. The time we have with our children is so very precious and oh so short. Cherish every second because in the blink of an eye it will all be over.
Niles
Itís just all so overwhelming. I have so much to learn, so much to prepare for.
Frasier
No amount of preparation can ever prepare you for what raising a child is really like. You could read all the books in the world and you still wonít know. Raising a child is based on instinct. Just listen to your heart.
Niles
It just seems like such a daunting task. A child is a huge responsibility. I just hope Iím ready for it.
Frasier
I know it sounds like a daunting task but when you hold your child in your arms, youíll know what to do. And Dad and I are always available if you do have any problems.
Niles
Thanks Frasier, I really appreciate that. Itís nice to know we have people we can turn to for support.
Frasier
What are families for? (Then) I really do envy you though, Niles. For me the adventure is almost over, but for you itís just beginning. You have so much to look forward to. You have so many good times ahead of you. There are so many memories yet to be made.
Niles
Just thinking about it gets me excited. Birthdays. Christmases. The first day of school.
Frasier
Letís just hope itís nothing like your first day at school. What a fiasco that was.
Niles
How do you think you would have reacted had the child sitting next to you offered to show you a dead mouse?
Frasier
Well, I do see your point.
Niles
Besides, St. Stevens only accepts the best and brightest children. I seriously doubt that any of their students would have access to a dead mouse. They do however have access to an excellent Theatre programs.
Frasier
I hear their sporting program is excellent as well.
Niles (Considering)
You know, I could actually see myself encouraging some sporting activity. Provided of course that adequate protective clothing is worn at all times.
Frasier
And assuming that all officials have adequate first aid training.
Niles
Oh, that goes without saying. Iím not a barbarian.
Frasier
It really is going to go by like that. Before you know it youíll be the one giving driving lessons.
Niles
No, I think I would prefer my child be taught to drive by a professional. I canít see myself being a very good instructor.
Frasier
You may be right, Niles. The Crane boys have yet to have much luck when it comes to driving.
Niles
Although, will they even have cars in sixteen years time?
Frasier (Sarcastically)
Oh, yes of course, Niles. And weíll all live in giant bubbles on the moon.
Niles
What, you donít think they would have developed a more efficient mode of transport in sixteen years time? Surely they would have to have come up with something.
Frasier (Sarcastically)
What, a glass-tube perhaps?

As the brothers continue to argue we:
Fade out

End of Act Two
Scene H

End Credits
Fade in:
Int. Elliot-Bay-Towers parking lot Ė Day - Day/4
Frederick

Frederick is in the drivers seat, deep in concentration. He looks in his rear vision-mirror and then turns hard left. As the camera pans out we see that the car is actually parked inside the Elliot Bay Towers parking garage.

__________________
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Where everybody knows your tossed salads and scrambled eggs.

FREEDOM OF THOUGHT
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Old 11-15-2004, 08:06 PM   #3
Chambers
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stratman, that was one of the best fanfictions I've ever read!

Absolutely hilarious. I can't wait to read more of your work.

There were tons of great lines. Here's one of my favorites:

Quote:
Daphne
You know, Iíve heard that some mothers actually think they can tell what the sex of their baby is going to be based solely on how hard the baby kicks.
Frasier
Well, I wouldnít take that test to seriously, Daphne. We Crane boys have never been know for our kicking ability.
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Old 11-15-2004, 11:35 PM   #4
stratman
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Location: Australia
Posts: 82
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Thanks.
An ideas for improvements?
I found the way Niles and Daphne act together very hard to write because I've only actually seen up to season 8. I've only been a Frasier fanatic for about 6 months now. The way I wrote this fiction was a complete mess, I can tell you that much. The Niles/Daphne plot changed about 3 times. First I was going to have an old friend of Daphne's come to visit, but there was no real plot. Then I was going to have Daphne worry about how she looked to Niles and I actually wrote the story but in the end I decided it didn't really work. By the way, the version you read isn't the definitive one. There were a few lines I did actually change and cut but I attached the wrong file. It doesn't really matter though because it was only a few lines that I thought weren't nescessary to the story. I don't really like the way the copy and paste turned out either. It screws up the format.
I really wan't to work on a 12th season. I'm going to need help though.
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