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Old 01-18-2019, 08:20 AM   #451
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"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I promise you this, Norton. I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a bus company?"

"Champagne and Caviar":

Mr. Marshall: "How did you get your job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Just lucky. I guess."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What are you, counting?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."
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Old 01-18-2019, 08:25 AM   #452
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Ed Norton: [to Ralph] Look, just don't get upset. You're gettin' all upset now. Let's calm down and look nice when we get down there. There's no sense in getting upset. Now listen, the boys in the sewer, there, when we get upset we got a little motto - a little saying that gives us a little comfort in time of need. Maybe, I can pass it on to you. May I favor you with this little ode? "When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat. Don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float."
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Old 01-20-2019, 07:43 AM   #453
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"The Golfer":

(Ralph grabs the pin cushion.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWW! THERE IS PINS IN IT."

Ed: "What did you expect, chicken noodles?"

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "How about a donut?"

Ralph: "You know that I am on a diet. Besides, after this game we can get a pizza."

"The $99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "I am not going to Fred's Landing."

Ralph: "Don't go."

Alice: "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "I just hope one thing. That when we get to Fred's Landing, that you fall in love with the place. That way, when I get my vacation next year, I will leave you home."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Expectant Dad" & "The Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' and 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"To Whomever It May Concern":

(Ed wrote SWAK on the back of Ralph's letter.)

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed With A Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."

"The Mexian Hat Trick":

(Ralph is disguised as El Diablo and Ed is disguised as El Norto at the El Bar-Ocho Cafe. Banging is heard as a Mexican is thrown out of the kitchen and falls onto a table thereby breaking it. You can tell that the table was fake.)

Ralph: "What was that all about?"

Bartender: "He wanted to join El Lobo's gang."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, why don't we just mail in our application?"

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

Ralph (to Charlie): "I'm on a diet. I've gone from 220."

Ed: "That's his room number. He actually gone from 280."
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Old 01-21-2019, 07:37 AM   #454
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Default M.L.K. Day Quotes:

"The Hypnotist Part 2":

Black Conductor: "You know your not going to see me again until we get to Chicago."

Ralph & Ed (yell in pain and act like they were sitting on a bed of hot coal): "CHICAGO!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (whispering): "Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What did you say?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a shower."

Aunt Ethel: "Do you mind if I brush my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do it for you."

"Hello Mom":

Ed: "What's a five-letter word for fat?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's on old wives tale Ralph. 'A man works from sun-to-sun but a woman's work is never done."

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "No one is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one that's big enough?"

"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "You know you Racoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that the Racoons have more emergencies that the U.N."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "The Nortons had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

(There's a bandage on Ed's head.)

Ralph: "What happened to you?"

Ed: "Remember the part that you told me to say to Trixie that I am the king of the castle? Trixie crowned me."
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Old 01-22-2019, 05:05 AM   #455
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Ralph: If this lodge doesn't get some money soon, there isn't going to be a lodge. Did you hear what happened yesterday?

Ed Norton: What?

Ralph: The Acme Finance Company come in and took out the pool table. Day before that, they come in and took out the television set and the phonograph. And the day before that, they come in and took out the piano. What are we gonna do, Norton?

Ed Norton: Well, we could hold our meetings at the Acme Finance Company.
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Old 01-22-2019, 06:33 AM   #456
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"Hot Dog Stand" & "Principle of The Thing":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute necessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ed hands a man a hot dog to eat.)

Ralph: "By the way I look, you wouldn't know that I was driving a bus yesterday."

Man: "Oh."

Ed: "I was working in the sewer."

(The man stops himself from eating.)

Man: "Funny. I'm not hungry anymore."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Ralph, I think I got a splinter from sitting on this bench."

Ralph: "Stay there."

"A Dog's Life":

Ed: "How about we call the food: 'Kramden's Delicious Marshall'?"

Ralph: "Marshall? WHat kind of stuff is Marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this food is. We might as well call it Marshall."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face."

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am just like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exasctly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ed: "Lately Trixie's Mom has been hounding me. 'Why don't you buy Trixie a new stove?' 'Why don't you get Trixie new clothes?' So, when I get my half of that $200, I will be happy."

Ralph: "You are going to use that money to get Trixie all that stuff?"

Ed: "No. I am going to use it to go to Miami Beach and get away from Trixie's old lady."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice accidentally throws her pool cue.)

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, wasn't I?"

Ralph: "Not if we are playing pool, but if we are javelin throwing we are."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

(The Nortons arrive at the poolroom.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I could tell them where to look."
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Old 01-23-2019, 08:40 AM   #457
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"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"We Spy":

Interrorgator: "What were you two doing in the Russian firing range?"

Ed: "I don't have to tell you anything. Because of the Geneva conventions, all I have to do is tell you my name, address & social security number."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: "That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "You are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I fractured myself just to take care of her. Now, I just saw Alice coming out of an Italian restaurant with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."
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Old 01-24-2019, 07:29 AM   #458
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"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage because it is part of my efficency system. Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will empty it. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here, save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph & Alice are eating dinner.)

Ralph (pointing at his food): "What is that?"

Alice: "That is the appetizer."

Ralph: "What?"

Alice: "The appetizer."

Ralph: "I had my appetizer. I drove a bus for eight hours."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "Even the Constitution says that we are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Ed: "But the marriage license is an amendment to the Constitution."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man inthis city that's strong enough to do that."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

(Ralph & Alice just got introduced as contestants on "Beat The Clock.")

Bud Collyer (as himself): "Have you lived in Brooklyn all your lives?"

Ralph: "Not yet."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the faimly with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."
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Old 01-25-2019, 07:35 AM   #459
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"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Convention when the police were cracking down on the people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just filled up my bags with water and threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type of person that would bend way over to pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I wish that Trixie would make frosting that tastes as good as this."

Alice: "Icing? Ed, that's starch."

Ed: "It is?"

(Ed tastes it again.)

Ed: "I still wish that Trixie would make frosting that tastes as good as this."

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidentally makes Ralph miss his shot while playing pool. Ralph walks up to Ed and hits Ed's foot with a pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with the pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWW!"

"The Cold":

(Alice is taking the plaster off of Ralph's back.)

Alice: "I suppose you can't take off the top of your pajamas?"

Ralph: "You want to turn the cold into ammonia."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. ‘Dear Mr. Marshall:'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "I'm the boss. You're nothing."

Alice: "Big deal. You are the boss over nothing."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum."

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum. Capital B-capital u-capital um. Bum."

Alice: "My brother is just as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He's still a bum."
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Old 01-26-2019, 05:51 AM   #460
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Ralph: I need ten dollars to get my costume. I got it all picked out. I'm going as King Henry VIII.

Alice: Nothing doing, Ralph. I can't spare the ten dollars.

Ralph: All right, I said I'd be reasonable and I will be. If you can't give me ten, I'll take five. For five dollars, I can go as Billy the Kid.

Alice: [shakes head] I tell you what I will do: I'll give you a tin can and you can go as Billy the Goat.
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Old 01-26-2019, 07:58 AM   #461
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"Alice & The Blonde":

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11pm."

Alice: "Yeah. Three hours after 11pm."

"The Safety Award":

(Alice & Trixie have the same dress on.)

Ralph: "Don't those dresses look alike?"

Ed: "Alike? They are like the Bobsie Twins."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Mr. Johnson: "I couldn't raise the rent on my own. I had to go to the Rent Commission to prove hardship."

Ralph: "What did you use for evidence, a picture of this dump?"

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "On opening day, when the stand is jam packed with customers and photographers are lining up all over the joint, you won't be in the pictures."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back against the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Whaddaya say Taurus?"

Ralph: "I'm trying to scratch an itch and I can't reach it."

Ed: "For a minute there, I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle and Roll."

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "If you don't fix up my place, I am not going to pay you the rent."

Ralph: "You sneak. What kind of a sneak would think of a plan like that?"

Ed: "I learned it from you. That is waht you pulled on the landlord in the other place."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

Ralph (yells): "3AM? WHAT DID YOU GET ME UP AT THIS TIME FOR?"

Alice: "The Nortons had thier apartment painted today."

Ralph (yells): "DID THAT NEWSFLASH JUST COME ACROSS THE RADIO?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "It is times like this when I realize how selfish you are. You know the condition I am in. You know I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you get out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"The Match Game":

Ed: "That was a football player that used to play for us sewerworkers' football team. He got a career-ending injury during the prime of his career."

Ralph: "What was it?"

Ed: "Water on the knee."
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Old 01-27-2019, 07:35 AM   #462
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"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what keeps you young."

Ralph: "You want to do things that young people do? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play 'House.' You'll be the mommy and I'll be the poppy. All right mommy - CLEAN UP!"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(The house phone is ringing.)

Ralph: "I'm not answering it. I'm not answering it. Let it ring-ring-ring because I'm not answering it."

Alice: "But they are playing your song."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Brother-In-Law":

Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"

Ralph: "I'm not hungry."

Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."

Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(All of them are in the lemon that is their cottage.)

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK? I AM TELLING YOU THIS PLACE IS GOING TO BE FIXED UP REAL GOOD."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT. I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH. DON'T TEMPT ME."

"My Fair Landlord":

(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)

Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."

Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(It's Alice's birthday and Ralph has forgotten it.)

Alice: "Ralph, you do remember what today is?"

Ralph: "Sure, it's my pool night."

Alice's Mom: "See? He's good for nothing."

Ralph: "How do you know? You never saw me shoot pool."

"You're In The Picture":

(The Kramdens and Nortons are shopping in Spain.)

Alice: "This only costs 120 posadas (sp?)."

Ralph: "Only 120 posadas? You think I am made of posadas?"

Alice: "I said posadas. Not potatoes."
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Old 01-27-2019, 07:27 PM   #463
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Ralph: Wouldn't it be much easier, if you bought a new watch?

Norton: No, why? Nothin' wrong with my watch. All it needs is a new mainspring. I just gotta find a guy to fix it. I think I'll write a letter to Walt Disney tonight.
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Old 01-28-2019, 05:34 AM   #464
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"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pisces The Fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio The Nut."

"Life Upon the Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

(Ralph gets introduced to Happy the puupy dog who is big and around Ralph, he gets vicious.)

Alice: "That's Happy."

Ralph: "He doesn't look happy to me."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Head of The House":

Ralph: "Men are responsible for the shape the world is in."

Alice: "Well, I am glad to hear one of you finally admit it."

"Ralph's Diet":

Ralph: "I don't need to diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(The makeup lady put lipstick on Ralph's lips.)

Makeup Lady: "Go like this."

(She makes kissing noises with her lips. So does Ralph.)

Ed: "Don't just sit there Ralph. Kiss me."
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Old 01-28-2019, 05:40 AM   #465
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Alice Kramden: Listen, Ralph, I did not spend that money on clothes and you know it! Besides, how far do you think 62 dollars a week will go?

Ralph Kramden: Will you shut your big mouth and stop yelling my salary? I don't want the neighbors to know how much I'm makin'!

Alice Kramden: Sixty-two dollars a week!

[yelling]

Alice Kramden: Sixty-two dollars a week! SIXTY-TWO DOLLARS A WEEK!

Ralph Kramden: Will you stop that? I don't want my salary to leak out!

Alice Kramden: *Your* salary couldn't *drip* out!

Ralph Kramden: Ooh, you're flirting with death!
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